patricia68

I've been doing some soul searching...lots of journaling...lots of meditation...and I still can't come up with any good answers.

I am seeking some advice, brutal honesty is welcome too, anything that would help.

I relapsed a million times since I realized that alcohol was turning me and my body into a complete mess. And every time I fall into the same trap of BLAMING somebody or something. "I can't deal with his behaviour"..."This is too much for me"..."If it wasn't for THIS, I would be sober", etc

Today I realized that it's not THEM.

If I'm going to wait for the perfect peaceful time then I'll be drunk for the rest of my life. They are always going to cause me some kind of stress. Unless I move to a desert island...

But I still blame them, all the time.

How on earth do I let go, forgive, and move on...on tap water?

Jeremiah2911

Patricia68, I can echo your thoughts and feelings. Until 9 days ago, that was me. I couldn't help it because it was such a stressful day or I was so down about X or I wanted to celebrate Y or-my personal favorite, "I'm just going to drink all weekend and then I'll quit on Monday". That never happened. Well, my body is currently falling apart and I needed to make a hard decision about whether or not I was going to stay on that destructive path. I need to have a knee replacement on November 19 and my blood pressure has been going up and up (direct connection to the alcohol). So, I decided: I HAVE TOO MUCH TO LIVE FOR TO DESTROY MYSELF WITH ALCOHOL. I'm scared that I won't be successful but I AM DETERMINED TO MAKE IT WORK.
YOU CAN DO THIS!

FreeOwl

you don't have to forgive to stay sober.

you don't have to have it all figured out do stay sober.

you can not drink - and still be working on letting go.

and the more you NOT DRINK....

The easier it gets to forgive.
The more you'll figure out.
The more readily you'll let go.

Be patient, and DON'T DRINK.

MIRecovery

You don't have to drink if you don't want to. You don't have to drink even if you do. The choice has and always will be yours

Anna

It's all about forgiveness, Patricia.

Blaming others and/or yourself will only keep you trapped where you are. I think you need to take a leap of faith, and know that you will be able to do this, right now. As you said, there is no perfect time, and there isn't even a 'good time' for most of us. Just jump in and do it.

Thepatman

Life will continue to happen after sobriety is achieved. Dealing with it sober is like re-learning how to walk. It takes time, patience and some practice.

Dee74

Hi Patricia

I recommend this a couple of times a year - but do read The Shack by Wm Paul Young.

It's written like a novel but all about forgiveness.
There's a time for anger...and then a time for letting go and moving on. Don't get stuck in the first part.

You need to remove your hands from around their neck & break the connection in order to move on

D

instant

Even on a desert island and endless free everything I would still not be 'content'. The condition I have is one of "dis-satisfaction". It's a brooding force that eats me if I let it. Alcohol never solved it either- it only promised too and in the end could not deliver.

the way forward is acceptance and compassion- for self and others- not to run from discomforts- and to choose actions wisely

Soberwolf

You dont want to drink thats a start...

have you tried and i mean really tried a recovery program there are options

You got to realise as easy as it to drink and forget your forgetting you dont want to drink and round and round we go i know ive done it for 3 months i knew i was alcoholic yet i was drinking and trying to give up it sounds absurd but it was exactly that

I woke up 1 day and went against everything my body and mind were telling me .... drink drink drink

i kept saying no i screamed i shouted i cried but i didnt drink i went thru withdrawl and slowly day by day i got a tiny piece of myself back a tiny bit more strenght it was lots of work for small rewards in the beginning


i am 14 months now 432 days today to be precise (sr sober calculator)

and all them little pieces of me add up it does get better im not here to convince you

just know you got a friend who understands and keep on trying because you will get there in the end

spk soon good luck

Soberwolf

Sorry not 432 its 434 days

always loosing count now lol

SoberComposer

Hi Patricia68,

Part of my recovery has been allowing negativity to flow through me while trying to hold onto positive things. Not being a container for negatively. There is freedom in this but has to be cultivated over time. If they are aware that these certain things bother you and refuse to respect you then that is one thing. That is not about forgiveness in my opinion but instead dealing with continual disrespect. If they did something that they do not repeat then look at it as a lesson that they learned from. After all, regardless of age, status, or income we are all children. We make mistakes and can choose to learn or repeat. It is very hard when someone in our lives refuses to respect us, themselves or what we are building together. This may be why I am alone and prefer it that way. It's just so hard to live with someone that isnt the right fit. Not to mention marrying them and/or having children with them. I am alone and thankful. Hopefully one day I could share my life with someone again, lol I think that may be nice... not sure.

I am not sure if any of this has been helpful but wanted to give my thoughts in hopes it might be

Best of luck!

patricia68

God bless you all, I just had a big eye opening moment...I just posted a few random thoughts here...a few hours ago...and now I'm barely recovering from a massive meltdown, almost after an hour of crying on the bathroom floor.

But it is good, it is like I finally understood all my mess ups. Thanks to you all.

See? I have always blamed THEM because life wasn't the way I envisioned it. It was always THEIR fault. But they never meant to mess up my life! These are people that loved me! That still love me! But they're not perfect, just like I am not perfect. Wth who is perfect anyway?!

I am sorry, bear with me...this is what I just realized...

When I was in my teens, it was my parents. THEY messed up my life. They were judgemental, and overprotective, and this and that and the other thing...and I blamed them for being HORRIBLE people...because my dad was giving me a hard time for wearing a mini-skirt in 1984...HORRIBLE person! Or because my mom hated my boyfriend who just wanted to play his guitar, there was no future with him! HORRIBLE mom!

Then I got married for the first time. I was 23. And he messed up my life. He was suppose to graduate from college. But a year after we got married he decided to do something else instead. And he was overprotective of his widow mom. HORRIBLE husband! Things deteriorated and we got divorced.

So I met my current my husband. He was going through a massive depression at the time. But I had the looks, I had the charm. I was going to CHANGE him...

And for 10 years he tried his darndest to give us a good life. And he failed over and over. He tried a thousand different jobs. And my resentment kept building up. It was all HIS fault.

And we had a kid. And that probably freaked him out. But all I could think was "Why can't he give us a stable life already?!"...and that's when I started to drink...because EVERYBODY was messing my life up!

And now I am almost 46 years old...fantasizing about how my life would be if it wasn't for THEM that ruined it all...

I am sorry, it's taking me over an hour to write this post...I don't know where to go from here...

I don't know what compassion is anymore...I don't know how to be kind and forgiving....

I read something that Louise Hay said, in order to forgive imagine that person as a 6 year old little child...and it breaks my heart to the point the pain is almost unbearable when I do this...because I don't know where my compassion went...I can't bring it back into my life. And at the same time I hate being this ME ME ME person...

These are people that loved me and only wanted the best for me, and all I have to give back is hatred and resentment...now who is the HORRIBLE person here?!

My mom died young, she was only 68...she died consumed by fear and guilt...and I am going the same way. I am wasting my life. I am letting FEAR and RESENTMENT rule my life...

That's a recipe for a short miserable life...

Thank you for listening to my boring rant...

Please pray for me...

Dee74

It's never too late to become who we want to be Patricia

D

patricia68

Thank you Dee. Maybe I just have to forgive myself first, right? Learn how to love this little messed up person first...?

Dee74

D

Cecilia44

I can understand wanting to blame others for how we feel, but Patricia, that just isn't fair. While we may not choose who are parents are in life and this is true, you certainly are just as much to blame for a failed marriage as your first husband. It does, after all, take two people to have a relationship, does it not? And didn't you too, decide to marry your husband? He didn't twist your arm, did he? So aren't you responsible for your future at the time by making the decision that you did?

The same thing goes with the second husband. He didn't force you to get married, did he? Didn't you decide to "charm him," (as you put it), perhaps into marrying you to make up for something you have lost in yourself? Think about that. Why did you marry him? Were you trying to change him in hopes of changing you? Aren't you at least half to blame in the marriage you are currently in as well?

THEM didn't ruin anything, THEM was just only being THEM, and YOU are being you. I believe you would feel the same if your life was "perfect." (Whatever that is ... LOL).

The answer doesn't lie in THEM ... it lies in YOU.

Welcome to the forum and I hope I wasn't too harsh, but you asked for brutal honesty and I am trying to give it. Look inside yourself for the answer to how YOU feel INSIDE and quit blaming EVERYONE on the OUTSIDE.

Hugs to you.

patricia68

I am starting to realize that you are absolutely right Cecilia. My fantasy of running away to a desert island so I can be happy...NO! I will never be happy there unless I learn how to be happy with myself wherever I am now!

That flipping hurts more than labour pain, but YES!, you are right!

I NEED harsh brutal honesty right now, bring it on. THANK YOU! <3

SoberComposer

That is so true! The past is the past and we are constantly evolving. To understand elements of ourselves that requiring change is enlightenment. Now that light is shown in places previously unknown by darkness you can choose to work on it. It's in steps, points of decisions throughout the day, both in thought and behavior. Try not to get mad at yourself if you slip into blame again... just laugh and think.... hey.. I did it again. After awhile, you will notice you dont react the same way and you are someone better than you were. It's like building a strong and respectful relationship with yourself!

This is how it was for me on my own journey out of chaos and self-loathing. I hope this is helpful

It's interesting how this is a similar path for alcohol recovery, at-least for me.

Best of luck Patricia!

Cecilia44

You're welcome. So glad you are here. Stick around with us, post and read others' post. We are all here to support each other.

patricia68

You know Cecilia it's a going to take me a few hours to "digest" everything you said. I wish I could give you a longer and better reply, but it's getting there into my messed up brain...just slowly
Thank you so much for taking the time to help me.