How do I gently drop a "friend" ?
Gl@ss Artist & Cat Lady
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Milwaukee, WI
Posts: 880
Originally Posted by aasharon90 
Maybe that's why I don't have any friends...lol
Take care of you and your recovery
which is most important.
Take care of you and your recovery
which is most important.
All of you guys give such great advice and keep me going. I plan to tell her I'd prefer to not meet for coffee for a while because I want to get back to my real passion, my artwork, and working all day I only have the weekends and evenings to do it. That's no lie.
Love you all!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Yeah, "No is a complete sentence," amen to that.
I don't agree with lying to people like that, making up dead batteries or always on the way out the door or whatever. That doesn't really work with my recovery. I learned the "no" thing - it works (to be fair, I say "No, thanks.")
You don't need a reason to not spend time with anyone. They may think you do, but you don't.
I don't agree with lying to people like that, making up dead batteries or always on the way out the door or whatever. That doesn't really work with my recovery. I learned the "no" thing - it works (to be fair, I say "No, thanks.")
You don't need a reason to not spend time with anyone. They may think you do, but you don't.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 468
I'm glad this topic came up, because I sometimes get latched onto by nonstop motormouths. I just try to avoid them. Sometimes I'll exchange hellos and just keep on going.
ElleDee, I think I would stick with something nonspecific like "No, thanks, I have other plans" because any particular explanation or even the slightest detail could easily provide an opening for another hour of one-sided blather.
It's possible the poor dear has worn out and been cut off by all the other people she says are "mean" to her.
Maybe a little truth would help her in the long run. Maybe no one has ever pointed out to her that whining at length and treating someone else as a listening post is inconsiderate.
Anyway, good luck!
ElleDee, I think I would stick with something nonspecific like "No, thanks, I have other plans" because any particular explanation or even the slightest detail could easily provide an opening for another hour of one-sided blather.
It's possible the poor dear has worn out and been cut off by all the other people she says are "mean" to her.
Maybe a little truth would help her in the long run. Maybe no one has ever pointed out to her that whining at length and treating someone else as a listening post is inconsiderate.
Anyway, good luck!
Gl@ss Artist & Cat Lady
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Milwaukee, WI
Posts: 880
Yeah... I don't need to give a reason why I don't want to do something. I am HORRIBLE at just saying NO, but No, I have other plans works for me. We'll see how it goes. 
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Kokomo, Indiana
Posts: 19
I can comiserate, Elle. There are several comments here that sound good and are similar to what I've done to a couple of peace leeches that were getting harder & harder to take. I gave them plausible excuses like "I have to pick up my kids, or I've got a headache" until they asked me why I was doing that. When asked, I told them in as nice a manner as possible that their "constant rambling was emotionally draining and that was one of my triggers so I avoid that stuff now." The first time, the guy handled it well & actually made an effort to chill during the meetings but has not invited me for coffee since. The 2nd time was not so smooth and I went to a different meeting. People can be nerve-wracking sometimes! Good luck with your situation.
Kaleidoscope eyes
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: London
Posts: 5,243
Originally Posted by ElleDee
I have a friend that I met in AA. We have coffee one night a week after a meeting. She's been sober for 20-30 years. Well she plays it like we get together because she's being supportive and helping me. However, when we get together it's her mouth running from the minute we sit down until she notices I'm not paying attention anymore or I get "the look" like I"m sick of listening to her. Then she's like, oh how was work? Don't get me wrong. I get to talk sometimes, but not too much.
The thing of the "talking" that I'm fed up with is she's a broken record. Her daughter is mean to her and the lady who is in charge of the after school program where she works is mean to her, the girl scout cookie ladies are mean to her... it goes on and on and her neighbor problems. It's not just when we meet, this is what she talks about at every meeting too! So I get it double. I tell her, yes I know or well why do you keep doing this or that.
I feel like her counselor or psychologist. One day we were going to go to the art museum together. I got in her car and she started up about her daughter. Not, hi, how are you? Just bla bla bla! I told her I can't listen to it today. Please!
In the past I've actually had a couple of drinks before I met her to take the edge off. Of course it didn't work, but I did.
I don't want to see her anymore. I would probably see her at meetings but I want to gently tell her without hurting her feelings that I just don't want to meet for coffee anymore or I need to take a break or something. One night I just didn't show up and didn't answer my phone, but that's not nice and I felt bad when I lied and said I fell asleep.
If you have suggestions, comments, I'd love to hear them. Otherwise, just consider this a vent.
The thing of the "talking" that I'm fed up with is she's a broken record. Her daughter is mean to her and the lady who is in charge of the after school program where she works is mean to her, the girl scout cookie ladies are mean to her... it goes on and on and her neighbor problems. It's not just when we meet, this is what she talks about at every meeting too! So I get it double. I tell her, yes I know or well why do you keep doing this or that.
I feel like her counselor or psychologist. One day we were going to go to the art museum together. I got in her car and she started up about her daughter. Not, hi, how are you? Just bla bla bla! I told her I can't listen to it today. Please!
In the past I've actually had a couple of drinks before I met her to take the edge off. Of course it didn't work, but I did.
I don't want to see her anymore. I would probably see her at meetings but I want to gently tell her without hurting her feelings that I just don't want to meet for coffee anymore or I need to take a break or something. One night I just didn't show up and didn't answer my phone, but that's not nice and I felt bad when I lied and said I fell asleep.
If you have suggestions, comments, I'd love to hear them. Otherwise, just consider this a vent.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Grayslake, IL
Posts: 732
EllieDee, you are a very patient person. I cannot stand people who insist on overshadowing every conversation. Although, to be fair, I think there are those who don't even realize what they're doing or sounding like.
Personally, it takes me a long time to bond with people, but I can say for certain that your friend's personality is a turn-off to me. But, do exit the relationship gracefully. Good luck!
Bunnez
Personally, it takes me a long time to bond with people, but I can say for certain that your friend's personality is a turn-off to me. But, do exit the relationship gracefully. Good luck!
Bunnez
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Bay Area, California
Posts: 314
Definitely relate to your post and the comments.
If you think it could improve you could tell her (in the midst of her ranting about Debbie downer stuff) that she seems very unhappy. And that unfortunately you're feeling a bit overwhelmed by her sadness and frustration. Just let her know you're a sensitive person and you feel for her, but that her emotional stories are making you feel overwhelmed. Tell her you're open to be friends but that the conversations are too serious for you at this time.
Or you can always take the I'm busy route which is also completely acceptable.
Whatever makes you feel able to move on and be peaceful about your decision.
If you think it could improve you could tell her (in the midst of her ranting about Debbie downer stuff) that she seems very unhappy. And that unfortunately you're feeling a bit overwhelmed by her sadness and frustration. Just let her know you're a sensitive person and you feel for her, but that her emotional stories are making you feel overwhelmed. Tell her you're open to be friends but that the conversations are too serious for you at this time.
Or you can always take the I'm busy route which is also completely acceptable.
Whatever makes you feel able to move on and be peaceful about your decision.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 468
If somehow she continues to bring up her issues with other people, try to suggest that she resolve those problems directly with the people involved (rather than trying to get other people to take sides with her, although of course this part in parentheses should never be said out loud).
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
Ask her what her sponsor says. That'll drive her crazy and hopefully make her think about her solution.
I heard a person talk once about getting angry at someone on the road. Then, they noticed the person's bumper sticker. "If you don't like my driving, call your sponsor!"
I heard a person talk once about getting angry at someone on the road. Then, they noticed the person's bumper sticker. "If you don't like my driving, call your sponsor!"
misanthrope
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: BC
Posts: 52
Please please do not sit around feeling guilty about dumping this dead weight from your cart of friends. She sounds like an emotional leech that is using you because you are a kind person and will listen.
I doubt you owe her some heartfelt reason why you must end your friendship, just make excuses whenever she wants to hang out and she will get the point eventually. I can strongly relate to the situation you are in, good luck.
I doubt you owe her some heartfelt reason why you must end your friendship, just make excuses whenever she wants to hang out and she will get the point eventually. I can strongly relate to the situation you are in, good luck.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Yup..time to haul up the drawbridge. You, and you alone are responsible for your boundaries and your sobriety. As you noted, the woman drove you to drink in the past so she has got to go! I don't think you need to school her on the why's of why you are dumping her unless she presses. As others of said, just get real busy and real unavailable real fast. Hopefully she'll get the hint..if she doesn't and starts to pressure or query...give her the left cut of your absolute truth.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
OK, wrote a longer post, and it somehow disappeared...here's the short version:
You mentioned in your post that you sometimes have to "have a few drinks" just to bear getting into the car with this irritating person!!!
That means that this is no mere social irritation. This is a serious trigger and a threat to your sobriety! Done!
We only have space and energy for a limited number of meaningful intimate relationships - different people have different amounts that are healthy for them. We can't waste an atom of space in our intimacy category with people who are toxic to us.
Hold your space! You deserve the best people possible surrounding you right now.
You mentioned in your post that you sometimes have to "have a few drinks" just to bear getting into the car with this irritating person!!!
That means that this is no mere social irritation. This is a serious trigger and a threat to your sobriety! Done!
We only have space and energy for a limited number of meaningful intimate relationships - different people have different amounts that are healthy for them. We can't waste an atom of space in our intimacy category with people who are toxic to us.
Hold your space! You deserve the best people possible surrounding you right now.
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