Partner Relapses
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Hamilton Ontario
Posts: 1
Partner Relapses
Recently my boyfriend relapsed on his DOC and I'm having a lot of problems moving passed this last relapse. We're both in recovery, I have 16 months of clean time but in the last year, he's relapsed on 3 separate occasions. Once when I was 8 months pregnant and twice since our son was born in June. The problem I'm having is that while in recovery professionals tell you that relapses or lapses are a part of recovery and he seems to have taken those words as a type of entitlement to use, as if it gives him permission to use. Now although I understand addiction all to well myself, I find myself struggling with the next step. I want to forgive and move on but I can't. One relapse is understandable, two is frustrating but three is relapses in a matter of a few months is a pattern and a blatant disregard for my wishes or respect for my recovery. I refuse to raise my son in any environment when drugs are present and on both occasions that he's relapsed since our son was born I've kicked him out of the house until he sobered up and 
let him near the baby but there in lies the problem; if he's using, he's incapable of helping me with our son. The last relapse was infuriating and I was prepared to pack the baby up and leave, after a lot of talking, I decided to stay and work with him for our family's sake and because I do genuinely love him. I told him that I couldn't go through this again and if there's another relapse, that I'm leaving with our son and he promised that this was the last time. Now we're supposed to be moving forward and I can't get passed it. It plagues my thoughts most days and everything reminds me of it. I can't help but look at the situation as a betrayal, to me and our son. It's like I'm constantly waiting until it happens again. I feel like everytime he goes in the garage and shuts the door, that he might be using and I can't live like this. How do I know that I can trust him this time when he's given me so many reasons not too? I guess I'm looking for advice on how to work through this while staying firm on my boundaries.
let him near the baby but there in lies the problem; if he's using, he's incapable of helping me with our son. The last relapse was infuriating and I was prepared to pack the baby up and leave, after a lot of talking, I decided to stay and work with him for our family's sake and because I do genuinely love him. I told him that I couldn't go through this again and if there's another relapse, that I'm leaving with our son and he promised that this was the last time. Now we're supposed to be moving forward and I can't get passed it. It plagues my thoughts most days and everything reminds me of it. I can't help but look at the situation as a betrayal, to me and our son. It's like I'm constantly waiting until it happens again. I feel like everytime he goes in the garage and shuts the door, that he might be using and I can't live like this. How do I know that I can trust him this time when he's given me so many reasons not too? I guess I'm looking for advice on how to work through this while staying firm on my boundaries.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Welcome and congratulations on your recovery.
I'm sorry for your situation. It must be particularly difficult with your new baby.
If 3 relapses is beyond your boundaries, then that's the bottom line. It sounds like you 'stretched' your boundary and it's not working for you. If you say you can't live like this and you don't trust him, that's a big problem. Have you considered couples counselling? It might be an option.
I'm sorry for your situation. It must be particularly difficult with your new baby.
If 3 relapses is beyond your boundaries, then that's the bottom line. It sounds like you 'stretched' your boundary and it's not working for you. If you say you can't live like this and you don't trust him, that's a big problem. Have you considered couples counselling? It might be an option.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
It sounds like you are trying to accept the unacceptable. I know because I did this as well.
I created resentments because I made a boundary but I let it crossed over and over again.
There comes a time when we have to stick to our own words. They say they are done yet do it again. We say this is the last time yet take them back again.
I am not saying this last time is your bottom, that is for you to decide, but I can say that for me, continuing to lower my own bar, did nothing to solve the problem and only made me angry. Angry at myself!
If I say this is it, I have to be prepared to back it up. Just like them. Actions speaks louder then words and that goes for both sides of the argument. It is hard, I know.
I would take the time to decide if you are truly done. No going back, no more empty promises, no more we an talk about later, no more waiting and listening while you see if this time it catches and he stays sober.
You have to decide what is acceptable or what you are willing to tolerate. I understand the second, third, forth chances but at some point you have to put you and our child above his recovery or lack there of. It is your time, if you want it and you need it, take it.
I created resentments because I made a boundary but I let it crossed over and over again.
There comes a time when we have to stick to our own words. They say they are done yet do it again. We say this is the last time yet take them back again.
I am not saying this last time is your bottom, that is for you to decide, but I can say that for me, continuing to lower my own bar, did nothing to solve the problem and only made me angry. Angry at myself!
If I say this is it, I have to be prepared to back it up. Just like them. Actions speaks louder then words and that goes for both sides of the argument. It is hard, I know.
I would take the time to decide if you are truly done. No going back, no more empty promises, no more we an talk about later, no more waiting and listening while you see if this time it catches and he stays sober.
You have to decide what is acceptable or what you are willing to tolerate. I understand the second, third, forth chances but at some point you have to put you and our child above his recovery or lack there of. It is your time, if you want it and you need it, take it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
gotta agree with what's been said here.
doesn't matter whether it's one or three or eighty - what matters is what's the impact to YOUR sobriety and to the quality of the environment being created for your child.
those are the things that seem to be your priority - and I'd say they are pretty damn good priorities.
if he is unable to come along and meet you with those priorities right now, then maybe he can at another time... but you need to do whatever you must to ensure your priorities and boundaries are honored.
doesn't matter whether it's one or three or eighty - what matters is what's the impact to YOUR sobriety and to the quality of the environment being created for your child.
those are the things that seem to be your priority - and I'd say they are pretty damn good priorities.
if he is unable to come along and meet you with those priorities right now, then maybe he can at another time... but you need to do whatever you must to ensure your priorities and boundaries are honored.
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