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Why am I such a jealous person?

Old 09-17-2014, 08:45 PM
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Why am I such a jealous person?

One huge part of my drinking that I've come to realize is - jealousy

I'm jealous of everyone. I'm nasty, horrible, and vicious when I'm jealous. This is while I've been sober. I've realized drinking has been a HUGE part of my jealousy. Can anyone relate. Even sober I'm so jealous of people I have no business being jealous of. It sucks.
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Old 09-17-2014, 08:49 PM
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What so they have they you do not?
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Old 09-17-2014, 08:50 PM
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I remember, in my cups, I had a raging inferiority complex. I'm talking, I just sat in the couch and drank bottles of wine every night and snarked my way through the evening, watching out the window at all those other people who didn't have my struggle filled life.

God, it was a miserable existence.

My pity pot was huge. Enough to feed the world. No one had it as bad as me. And the more I fell into that trap, the more I justified drinking. Woe is me. Wash, rinse, repeat.

When I started getting serious about not wanting to feel like I was going to die everyday (aka "Sobriety") slowly I started gaining some self respect. Not gaining it "back" because I never really had any. But simply by putting one sober foot in front if the other, day after day, regardless of how life kicked my butt that day, I started finding my footing.

And I started to genuinely like myself. Who knew that underneath all the booze and substances, there was a really cool broad in there that was just waiting to be freed ?

Not in an Ego based way, where I thought I was better than everyone else. But, finally, in sobriety, I started to feel like maybe I wasn't the waste of space I had come to believe I was. That I had become as a result of my addiction.

It took time. And commitment. And failure. And recommitment. And a genuine willingness to listen to those that are having success with sobriety and following their lead. There is so much wisdom here.
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Old 09-17-2014, 08:56 PM
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I first saw this shared on SR. There are varying versions of it, and no verification that it actually came from an old Cherokee. Still, it's valuable:

"An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. 'A fight is going on inside me,' he said to the boy.

"'It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.'

"He continued, 'The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too.'

"The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, 'Which wolf will win?'

"The old Cherokee simply replied, 'The one you feed.'"

I have that posted near my desk. I don't always succeed at following its wisdom. But I try. It helps.
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Old 09-17-2014, 10:24 PM
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Josh...I sincerely doubt you have any reason to be jealous of anyone. Everybody has a dark closest they don't want anyone to know of....

I suspect you really don't know who you are underneath the booze. I didn't ..and I am only beginning to know who I am and accept the irregular ole gal I am : ) I'm actually a fairly decent human..and well, that' means something. Financially I'm a bit of a wreck and I have a whole backyard of unfinished business to attend to...but I'm okay.

I'm sure you are too. You are jealous of folks you "think" you know...and don't...and suspect and critical of a man you likely know even less. And that's you.

Sobriety is very much of allowing yourself to be...just be...all that you are. Glad you're here.
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Old 09-17-2014, 11:33 PM
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I will start to get jealous and think why can't I have what they have? More specifically I compare it's called stinkin thinkin stop those thoughts!! They are only trying to hurt you and everyone has their own path to success!
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Old 09-18-2014, 02:06 AM
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Originally Posted by Venecia View Post
I firstasraw this shared on SR. There are varying versions of it, and no verification that it actually came from an old Cherokee. Still, it's valuable:

"An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. 'A fight is going on inside me,' he said to the boy.

"'It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.'

"He continued, 'The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too.'

"The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, 'Which wolf will win?'

"The old Cherokee simply replied, 'The one you feed.'"

I have that posted near my desk. I don't always succeed at following its wisdom. But I try. It helps.
I relate heavily to this post as i have it framed at home this story really helped me

And Vencia your completly correct there are various versions of this story here i found this


Who wrote Two Wolves words of an old Cherokee Indian
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Old 09-18-2014, 02:12 AM
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I was jealous because along with my inferiority complex I had a huge amount of arrogance and resentment.

I was expert at what AAers call 'comparing my insides to other outsides'...with recovery and over time (and it took a fair amount of time for me to do this) I learned that I had my own gifts, and I learned I was in no position to judge others




D
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Old 09-18-2014, 02:37 AM
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I think outward jealousy displayed by me when drunk was really a bitter resentment towards myself for having not fulfilled my true potential. I would hear that someone had climbed a mountain or was having great success with their new business and I would feel sick. I would convince myself that it wasn't that hard, or that it was a waste of time or that they were just born privileged and given the opportunities I never had. I just couldn't be truly happy for other peoples achievements because I was trapped in a pit of despair and inner turmoil. I knew deep down I was full of potential and I was wasting it everyday. The more I wasted a day by drinking the more I wanted to drink to forget the day before. I was failing myself and everyone around me and I knew it. I became and lived my own worst nightmare, I was famous and infamous for it in the city I grew up in. It was hard to escape. When you feel like that, when you know you are betraying your true ability in life you truly do resent yourself as much as everyone else around you. Show me an alcoholic that is really proud of who they are. If they say they are they probably haven't accepted they're an alcoholic. My insecurities and jealousy stem from an unfortunate place, I would argue I was dealt a bad hand from the start however that is never an excuse to resent other people or their success. Life isn't a competition. You will never be the best at anything because it's always circumstantial or subjective. Forget what everyone else is doing and focus on you. If you feel jealous over anything at anytime, under the influence or not then you have problem that needs to be addressed. Consistently address it, look for the root of the jealousy and rationalise it, dissect it and then learn how pathetic and wasted an emotion it really is. I still get the sting of jealousy from time to time but my way of dealing with it now is WAY more manageable than it used to be, especially now I am sober. Sometimes these emotions are so deeply rooted it takes years and years to gain a sense of control over them. Just don't give up and don't accept it.
The immediate feeling of jealousy cannot be helped, it is not your direct fault that you feel jealousy.
You can however choose how you deal with it.

1.Dependent upon whether you have the intelligence to analyse the psychology of the root of the jealousy you may or may not be able to help yourself.
2.If you don't not have the capacity to do this on your own then seek help through CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy)
3. Remain ignorant to change and live your life as a bitter, twisted and hateful individual that sucks the life force from everyone around you.

It goes without saying alcohol will impede the progression of options 1 and 2 yet fuel option 3.
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Old 09-18-2014, 02:47 AM
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Originally Posted by youngconfused View Post

I will start to get jealous and think why can't I have what they have
Could be part of a spiritual condition
For one of the 10 Commands
States that we should not do this

MM
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Old 09-18-2014, 02:58 AM
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I used to only see the good that others had. Their car was better, their house was better, their job was better, their relationship was better etc.

It may look better on the outside but we don't see what another person struggles with. We tend to disregard them because we are jealous or envious of others.

When I walk around I don't wear all my troubles on my sleeve and neither do most other people. I can't see their bank accounts, whether their home is clean or has food in their fridge. I can't see their resentments or their fears.

Everything was all about me and I wanted to bring others down to my level and be in my pain.

I heard that if we took all our problems and threw them on a table, in the end, we would take our own problems back.
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Old 09-18-2014, 03:28 AM
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Early in sobriety I was taught:

Never compare your insides, with somebody else's outside.

On the outside, Robin Williams had lots that people could be choose to be jealous about. As do millions of others who are in the same predicament. One of the toughest things for me (and I think a lot of others) to come to terms with in this existence is that we're not the things we accumulate, the money in our bank account, nor the titles we work so hard to tack onto our names.

The great thing in your situation is you're aware and you're being honest. It sounds as though you welcome a change too, and I believe that's the key that opens the door to healing. The 12 steps are the best tool I know of to facilitate that change, but it ain't the only way.

This is an old poem that I heard first in grade school. I therefore think the whole world knows of it , but I've found that's not true... so I'll post it for those who don't.

Richard Corey

Whenever Richard Cory went down town,
We people on the pavement looked at him:
He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
Clean favored, and imperially slim.

And he was always quietly arrayed,
And he was always human when he talked;
But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
'Good-morning,' and he glittered when he walked.

And he was rich - yes, richer than a king -
And admirably schooled in every grace:
In fine, we thought that he was everything
To make us wish that we were in his place.

So on we worked, and waited for the light,
And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;
And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
Went home and put a bullet through his head.

Oh yeah... I think its a good idea to stay away from facebook too . It's not real. People pick and choose and edit carefully, to give a very well crafted picture of what the they want the world to believe they are. I have my assumptions about the people who post the most, but I won't go there. I know there's a reason they feel the need to do what they do.
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Old 09-18-2014, 03:46 AM
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something to pray about and work on -- that's for sure

(Exodus 20:17 ESV)
“You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, or his male servant, or his female servant, or his ox, or his donkey, or anything that is your neighbor's.”

concordance
Ex. 20:17 While the previous four commandments focus on actions committed or words spoken (vv. 13–16), the tenth commandment warns against allowing the heart to covet … anything that is your neighbor’s. When a person covets, he allows the desire for that which is coveted to govern his relationship with other people; this may become the motivation for murder, stealing, or lying either to attain the desired thing or to keep it from someone else. Because of the way that coveting values a particular thing over trust in and obedience to the Lord as the provider, it is also a breach of the first commandment, which the apostle Paul makes clear when he refers to coveting as idolatry (Eph. 5:5; Col. 3:5).
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Old 09-18-2014, 04:00 AM
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I see now it was not so much that I was jealous but full of regret and resentment that booze, addiction and depression had royally messed up my life. I just wanted and still want to be "normal" (what ever that is).
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Old 09-18-2014, 04:10 AM
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Originally Posted by DrakeCKC View Post

I just wanted and still want to be "normal" (what ever that is).
It can take much work at times for the one who drank a lot to be back on the road to a (normal) life. Booze it seems if abused, hinders growth of a healthy mind and body.

The best thing that we can do today is to not drink. Whatever it takes to accomplish this is a must for us (if alcoholic.)

As most of us Recovered drunks look back at life today we see that is where the change started. The day in which we put the plug in the jug.

MM
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Old 09-18-2014, 04:27 AM
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Interesting thing I'd like to put out there regarding this...

Originally Posted by Mountainmanbob View Post
(Exodus 20:17 ESV)
“You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, or his male servant, or his female servant, or his ox, or his donkey, or anything that is your neighbor's.”
I went to catholic school for 8 years. Bible quotes like this didn't help me in my struggles, they made things worse. Not only was I now feeling and doing what I was, but I was feeling even crappier about it with the added guilt, which usually led to me doing it all the more.

One of the things I think that makes AA the healing force that it is, is that nobody judges anybody, threatens them, or makes them feel guilty. They accept and love them, and then the healing comes. Love heals, fear and guilt doesn't.

So... not coming here to look down upon a bible quote, but to add something I heard later in life that made all the sense in the world to me. In one of the Conversations With God books, the author (who claims God channeled things through him) states that the 10 commandments aren't commandments, as God would never command anybody to do anything. What they are are 10 commitments. Should we choose to lead a god centered life (work a 3rd step in AA language), then these are the gifts we will indeed receive. We shall no longer kill. We shall no longer covet thy neighbors wife, etc...

I found this to be my experience. Didn't help me to say, "I better not do this anymore, or god's going to be pissed at me." My god is much more loving than that.

Just my opinion on this stuff. Not looking to get into a religious debate. I know others feel differently, and it works differently for them. And I respect that. This is what worked for me.
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Old 09-18-2014, 04:42 AM
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The Commandments are something that we can not keep perfectly.
But, the desire to keep them should be a strong one.

At many times the Commandments are used to bring one to Repentance.
Many will claim, a most excellent place in which to be.

MM
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Old 09-18-2014, 05:13 AM
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All rooted in self-centered fear. Intense and constant introspection has enabled me to identify the causes and conditions of this fear and come up with a plan of action to address it. And it is SO worth it in order to be FREE.
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Old 09-18-2014, 06:27 AM
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Dee nailed it.

My brother sent me this article yesterday from the WSJ - Though it poignant, maybe it will be helpful.

From social philosopher Eric Hoffer's "The True Believer" (1951):


There is in us a tendency to locate the shaping forces of our existence outside ourselves. Success and failure are unavoidably related in our minds with the state of things around us. Hence it is that people with a sense of fulfillment think it a good world and would like to conserve it as it is, while the frustrated favor radical change. The tendency to look for all causes outside ourselves persists even when it is clear that our state of being is the product of personal qualities such as ability, character, appearance, health and so on. "If anything ail a man," says Thoreau, "so that he does not perform his functions, if he have a pain in his bowels even . . . he forthwith sets about reforming—the world."
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Old 09-18-2014, 07:13 AM
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Remember this?

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.


Max Ehrmann, "Desiderata".
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