Indecision and paralytic thoughts
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Lawrence, KS
Posts: 250
Indecision and paralytic thoughts
Hi all.
So, more mental housecleaning here. Bear with me
Sobriety, I'm learning, is the tip of the iceberg. A crucial tip, but the tip nonetheless. Or rather, it's the foundation upon which everything else in my reinvented life will be built. Simply the foundation - no decor, all practicality - but crucial to everything else.
I just can't seem to DO anything else, though, except simply "be sober". My behaviors and attitudes are still all askance. I'm should-ing myself a good bit about this. ("I SHOULD BE DOING X! I NEED TO BE DOING Y! YOU LAZY A**!") I feel lazy, and fat, discombobulated and pretty glum. I want a job, something to DO, but my thoughts are freezing up on me and I can't seem to take the steps necessary to get my booty in gear, out that door and into the real world. I'm very much afraid I won't be able to hold a "regular" job. I'm terrified of ... well, let me continue with this (it all ties together, hang tight):
I have this odd perception of alcohol at the moment - I just feel numb, reaction-less about it ... (except that I know I will do ANYTHING to avoid ever having even ONE drink). That's about it. Though I've had to take certain measures to avoid certain foods or TV shows or places that may trigger a relapse -- or at least niggling feelings that will be cause for concern post facto, in general I'm pretty-okay with the existence of alcohol. Heck, I have a bottle on the counter in the kitchen still, that I haven't touched but am loathe to throw or give away (<-- because of indecision, probably? Giving myself that option of relapsing? Knowing that I'll feel WORSE if there's NO alcohol in the house?! Idk!) ... so there's that.
And then there's my other resolve: to not go back to dancing/stripping, as that environment was incredibly toxic for me and my addiction. (I think I'm going through withdrawals in that regard too ... I daresay I'd believe I was addicted to stripping!)
Anyway, just as we relate certain foods and TV shows/games with drinking, I relate ... you got it ... work with drinking. Or more aptly put, money/income with drinking.
I never accrued debt over getting drunk; I got drunk for free at work. AND, not only did I get drunk for free (ergo not suffering any of the financial consequences) but I also MADE MONEY when I was drunk. In fact, I made more money drunk than I ever did sober. So now my feeble little brain says, "you are afraid of alcohol, you must avoid alcohol and all its associations!" Well, that includes making money I suppose, because I'm absolutely hands-down terrified of making money now.
It's balderdash, but it's a very real psychological response within me. It leads to this pseudo analysis-paralysis. I apply for jobs; I go through the motions, but my brain is preventing me from being as proactive as I should be in my job hunting.
So, to recap:
1) I'm indecisive - where to work, what to do, where to apply - I only have $10 to my name with egregious debt and bills looming around the corner (which in turn triggers my desire to go dance again, for that ready, quick cash); I also am still very much attached to alcohol, else why would I keep the bottle on the counter? And I most definitely have NOT gotten rid of any of my dancing apparel or shoes. I know my brain desperately wants to keep that option open.
2) These thoughts about money and the earning of it that run as a background sound track in my head as I apply for jobs ... these thoughts have got to stop. They're a handicap. Literally every job post I read, I think "I wouldn't hire me for that, why would they?" ... or, "I can't survive on $200 a week!" (though I can't survive on the big fat ZERO I'm making now, either!) ... or "your resume is sh**, all you've gotten are rejections, if any response at all ... nobody wants an alcoholic ex-stripper, sober or not!" etc. etc. etc.
I should feel more panicky about all this than I do. I'm really just more ... depressed than anything. I need to figure out a way to kick myself in gear; figured posting YET AGAIN about all my pity-party woes may help me recognize these issues more clearly. Idk.
So, more mental housecleaning here. Bear with me
Sobriety, I'm learning, is the tip of the iceberg. A crucial tip, but the tip nonetheless. Or rather, it's the foundation upon which everything else in my reinvented life will be built. Simply the foundation - no decor, all practicality - but crucial to everything else.
I just can't seem to DO anything else, though, except simply "be sober". My behaviors and attitudes are still all askance. I'm should-ing myself a good bit about this. ("I SHOULD BE DOING X! I NEED TO BE DOING Y! YOU LAZY A**!") I feel lazy, and fat, discombobulated and pretty glum. I want a job, something to DO, but my thoughts are freezing up on me and I can't seem to take the steps necessary to get my booty in gear, out that door and into the real world. I'm very much afraid I won't be able to hold a "regular" job. I'm terrified of ... well, let me continue with this (it all ties together, hang tight):
I have this odd perception of alcohol at the moment - I just feel numb, reaction-less about it ... (except that I know I will do ANYTHING to avoid ever having even ONE drink). That's about it. Though I've had to take certain measures to avoid certain foods or TV shows or places that may trigger a relapse -- or at least niggling feelings that will be cause for concern post facto, in general I'm pretty-okay with the existence of alcohol. Heck, I have a bottle on the counter in the kitchen still, that I haven't touched but am loathe to throw or give away (<-- because of indecision, probably? Giving myself that option of relapsing? Knowing that I'll feel WORSE if there's NO alcohol in the house?! Idk!) ... so there's that.
And then there's my other resolve: to not go back to dancing/stripping, as that environment was incredibly toxic for me and my addiction. (I think I'm going through withdrawals in that regard too ... I daresay I'd believe I was addicted to stripping!)
Anyway, just as we relate certain foods and TV shows/games with drinking, I relate ... you got it ... work with drinking. Or more aptly put, money/income with drinking.I never accrued debt over getting drunk; I got drunk for free at work. AND, not only did I get drunk for free (ergo not suffering any of the financial consequences) but I also MADE MONEY when I was drunk. In fact, I made more money drunk than I ever did sober. So now my feeble little brain says, "you are afraid of alcohol, you must avoid alcohol and all its associations!" Well, that includes making money I suppose, because I'm absolutely hands-down terrified of making money now.
It's balderdash, but it's a very real psychological response within me. It leads to this pseudo analysis-paralysis. I apply for jobs; I go through the motions, but my brain is preventing me from being as proactive as I should be in my job hunting.
So, to recap:
1) I'm indecisive - where to work, what to do, where to apply - I only have $10 to my name with egregious debt and bills looming around the corner (which in turn triggers my desire to go dance again, for that ready, quick cash); I also am still very much attached to alcohol, else why would I keep the bottle on the counter? And I most definitely have NOT gotten rid of any of my dancing apparel or shoes. I know my brain desperately wants to keep that option open.
2) These thoughts about money and the earning of it that run as a background sound track in my head as I apply for jobs ... these thoughts have got to stop. They're a handicap. Literally every job post I read, I think "I wouldn't hire me for that, why would they?" ... or, "I can't survive on $200 a week!" (though I can't survive on the big fat ZERO I'm making now, either!) ... or "your resume is sh**, all you've gotten are rejections, if any response at all ... nobody wants an alcoholic ex-stripper, sober or not!" etc. etc. etc.
I should feel more panicky about all this than I do. I'm really just more ... depressed than anything. I need to figure out a way to kick myself in gear; figured posting YET AGAIN about all my pity-party woes may help me recognize these issues more clearly. Idk.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
Yes, it involves more than just stopping drinking to recover.
It sounds like you are looking for a job and haven't yet made the decision whether or not to get back into the dance/stripper life. It seems clear that making the decision to walk away from that life is going to be necessary for you to get sober.
And, yes it's hard and I felt paralyzed and hopeless at times. What I did was to make a list of things I needed and wanted to do. Each day I would do at least a couple of items on the list. It gave me the feeling of small accomplishments.
It sounds like you are looking for a job and haven't yet made the decision whether or not to get back into the dance/stripper life. It seems clear that making the decision to walk away from that life is going to be necessary for you to get sober.
And, yes it's hard and I felt paralyzed and hopeless at times. What I did was to make a list of things I needed and wanted to do. Each day I would do at least a couple of items on the list. It gave me the feeling of small accomplishments.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Don't be too hard on yourself early on, you can't revolutionise your life all in one go in a matter of weeks, it's going to take time!!
In the beginning Sobriety itself is a tough enough task just on it's own, and then with time when simply abstinence from alcohol isn't enough, that's the time to start making inroads in other areas of life!!
Hang in there, small steps, you'll get there!!
In the beginning Sobriety itself is a tough enough task just on it's own, and then with time when simply abstinence from alcohol isn't enough, that's the time to start making inroads in other areas of life!!
Hang in there, small steps, you'll get there!!
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 1,305
OK, is it bad that this emoticon reminds me of a stripper pole?
Anyway, back to your topic. First of all, CONGRATULATIONS. At this point, I can't even imagine being as successful as you with sobriety. Second, as far as a job is concerned, I think that would be an excellent place to focus. There is a federal program called the Workforce Investment Act that you should google in your state. Based on your low-income status, you will likely qualify for free training and employment counseling. There are experts who are very skilled at minimizing past "experiences" which may not get you where you want to be in the future. You can take career assessments and develop a plan for next steps.
Hang in there! You got this!!! :-)
Anyway, back to your topic. First of all, CONGRATULATIONS. At this point, I can't even imagine being as successful as you with sobriety. Second, as far as a job is concerned, I think that would be an excellent place to focus. There is a federal program called the Workforce Investment Act that you should google in your state. Based on your low-income status, you will likely qualify for free training and employment counseling. There are experts who are very skilled at minimizing past "experiences" which may not get you where you want to be in the future. You can take career assessments and develop a plan for next steps.
Hang in there! You got this!!! :-)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Lawrence, KS
Posts: 250
Originally Posted by josharon 
OK, is it bad that this emoticon reminds me of a stripper pole?
Anyway, back to your topic. First of all, CONGRATULATIONS. At this point, I can't even imagine being as successful as you with sobriety. Second, as far as a job is concerned, I think that would be an excellent place to focus. There is a federal program called the Workforce Investment Act that you should google in your state. Based on your low-income status, you will likely qualify for free training and employment counseling. There are experts who are very skilled at minimizing past "experiences" which may not get you where you want to be in the future. You can take career assessments and develop a plan for next steps.
Hang in there! You got this!!! :-)
Anyway, back to your topic. First of all, CONGRATULATIONS. At this point, I can't even imagine being as successful as you with sobriety. Second, as far as a job is concerned, I think that would be an excellent place to focus. There is a federal program called the Workforce Investment Act that you should google in your state. Based on your low-income status, you will likely qualify for free training and employment counseling. There are experts who are very skilled at minimizing past "experiences" which may not get you where you want to be in the future. You can take career assessments and develop a plan for next steps.
Hang in there! You got this!!! :-)
I'll google the Workforce Investment Act after I get home from my meeting...
Tonight I'm taking the first step of detachment and pouring out the liquor and at least boxing up the dancing apparel. It's silly to have liquor around when I'm not drinking. #derp
Off to the meeting. Depression hitting really really hard today.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 73
I gotta say where you are at now compared to the first post or two of yours I read are night and day.
Keep it up, I have no doubt you are well on your way to being in a much better place.
Don't be so hard on yourself and your feelings early in sobriety. In your case, as you mentioned you are going through a complete lifestyle change - which can be tough. These bad feelings and thoughts are temporary.
I know all too well about walking out of the bar with at least a hundo everynight - you rely on that money and it's right there, but the truth is sometimes you gotta take a step back for your recovery to happen.
Stepping out of that lifestyle was the best decision for my recovery, because an alcoholic being at a bar is never going to end well.
Will you miss the money? probably
Will you miss the work? probably
Will it be hard to get a different job and adjust to it? most likely
Will it all be worth it when you look back on it down the road, sober and well grounded in life with a steady, stable income? without a doubt
I can tell you got this, keep doing what you are doing.
Keep it up, I have no doubt you are well on your way to being in a much better place.
Don't be so hard on yourself and your feelings early in sobriety. In your case, as you mentioned you are going through a complete lifestyle change - which can be tough. These bad feelings and thoughts are temporary.
I know all too well about walking out of the bar with at least a hundo everynight - you rely on that money and it's right there, but the truth is sometimes you gotta take a step back for your recovery to happen.
Stepping out of that lifestyle was the best decision for my recovery, because an alcoholic being at a bar is never going to end well.
Will you miss the money? probably
Will you miss the work? probably
Will it be hard to get a different job and adjust to it? most likely
Will it all be worth it when you look back on it down the road, sober and well grounded in life with a steady, stable income? without a doubt
I can tell you got this, keep doing what you are doing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Lawrence, KS
Posts: 250
Hey JustCrusade. Thank you so much for your reply. I'm definitely in a funk but slogging though. I'll see ya on the flip side 
Your words - so true.
I just keep telling myself - this is worth it, this is worth it, this is worth it. I don't see HOW it's all going to shape together, but I'm trusting - somehow, some way - it will work out.
Thank you again.
Your words - so true.
I just keep telling myself - this is worth it, this is worth it, this is worth it. I don't see HOW it's all going to shape together, but I'm trusting - somehow, some way - it will work out.
Thank you again.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
You are doing so great, really working towards your recovery and thinking things out. I admire your strength so much.
First thing, you have to make your sobriety #1. I know what you mean when you say youcan't "do anything but be sober" I feel the same way a lot of times.
But we both have to make a living, there are responsibilities we must attend to.
For the job thing, you cannot go back to stripping, no way, this is clear. At least for now. Who knows, a few years down the line you may be strong enough to face that, but that is not something you can think about or consider right now.
I know that a lot of gyms now are offering those stripper workout classes. Who better to teach than someone with experience? There definitely would not be any alcohol in a gym. You could also continue to dance in a way that you enjoy.
You also might explore dance schools in the area. Doubtful they are looking for people to teach stripping to kids, but there is no doubt you can dance and could teach other styles of dance. You can put on your resume "dancer" instead of "stripper" When pressed about your experience (sure to happen) you tell them, head held high (nothing to be ashamed of, making a living is making a living and if you enjoyed it, even better) "I was a stripper but I am looking to move my life in a different direction. My skill set is limited right now, I'd like to gain more experience and think this is a good place to start."
Another possibility is waiting tables, which I have always loved. I have worked everywhere from a donut shop to an international company as a manager of multi-million dollar accounts and my favorite job by far has been being a waitress. Like you I loved the instant money. There are restaurants that do not serve alcohol and that might be a good place to start. They aren't as glamorous, but it keeps you busy, away from alcohol and brings in quick cash. Do you have a degree in anything? You could also consider tutoring high school or college students in your area of study. That is quick money, paid at the time of service. Also no alcohol there.
There are possibilities, you just have to get out and find them. MUCH easier said than done. As someone else pointed out, make a list and just check through things at your own pace. Even just printing off your CV/resume is a good start. Anything.
You are doing great, keep it up!
No stripping! No alcohol!
First thing, you have to make your sobriety #1. I know what you mean when you say youcan't "do anything but be sober" I feel the same way a lot of times.
But we both have to make a living, there are responsibilities we must attend to.
For the job thing, you cannot go back to stripping, no way, this is clear. At least for now. Who knows, a few years down the line you may be strong enough to face that, but that is not something you can think about or consider right now.
I know that a lot of gyms now are offering those stripper workout classes. Who better to teach than someone with experience? There definitely would not be any alcohol in a gym. You could also continue to dance in a way that you enjoy.
You also might explore dance schools in the area. Doubtful they are looking for people to teach stripping to kids, but there is no doubt you can dance and could teach other styles of dance. You can put on your resume "dancer" instead of "stripper" When pressed about your experience (sure to happen) you tell them, head held high (nothing to be ashamed of, making a living is making a living and if you enjoyed it, even better) "I was a stripper but I am looking to move my life in a different direction. My skill set is limited right now, I'd like to gain more experience and think this is a good place to start."
Another possibility is waiting tables, which I have always loved. I have worked everywhere from a donut shop to an international company as a manager of multi-million dollar accounts and my favorite job by far has been being a waitress. Like you I loved the instant money. There are restaurants that do not serve alcohol and that might be a good place to start. They aren't as glamorous, but it keeps you busy, away from alcohol and brings in quick cash. Do you have a degree in anything? You could also consider tutoring high school or college students in your area of study. That is quick money, paid at the time of service. Also no alcohol there.
There are possibilities, you just have to get out and find them. MUCH easier said than done. As someone else pointed out, make a list and just check through things at your own pace. Even just printing off your CV/resume is a good start. Anything.
You are doing great, keep it up!
No stripping! No alcohol!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Sydney NSW
Posts: 350
I feel very much as you do Rogue. I'm not drinking, and I don't even really want to drink, but I am definitely suffering the indecision and the paralysis... every night I plan to do a bunch of stuff after work (cleaning, writing) and it never happens. I just watch TV then I come on here...
I think maybe this is normal for early recovery. Be kind to yourself.
I think maybe this is normal for early recovery. Be kind to yourself.
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