FreeOwl

I keep going back to step one....

I'm still sober, mind you. Nearing the 9 month mark and feeling great.

But there are still lingering thoughts, mild cravings and that old familiar "dread" or hopelessness that sneaks into my emotional sphere despite my sobriety and positivity.

I haven't gone to AA in quite some while with any regularity. I do go to a meeting from time to time for additional support. I've read the Big Book as a tool many times.

I also have gone through many iterations of feeling like I'm on "Step One" - admitted we were alcoholic and our lives had become unmanageable.

I didn't really know what that meant for a long time. I "admitted" it several times. Yet part of me always made excuses and even still does..... "I'm not 'An Alcoholic', I've got a lot of addictive traits and am definitely a problem drinker but....". That sort of thing.

All through my first real sobriety, I 'admitted' my life had become unmanageable but at the same time often found thoughts about how my life wasn't "that bad" drifting through. These are teaser thoughts that lead to thoughts about how maybe I can drink after all.

Well... here I am at almost 9 months and this morning I FINALLY completed some real actions with Step 1. An old-timer at my home group gave me a workbook many months ago, early this year. It is a 23-page workbook of questions. Questions about my use, my history, my emotions, financial impacts, impacts to others, behaviors, trouble with police, authorities, school, work. Questions about my spirituality, my feelings, my thoughts.

I have picked it up and put it down many times. Gradually answering questions and then ignoring it for a while... though even while ignoring it, I found it triggering thoughts and realizations.

There's a lot of history now written down, a lot to look at, reflect on, consider. I'm going to meet up with that old-timer and talk to him about my answers. Then we'll see what he can give me in terms of guidance for Step Two.

I've avoided "working the steps" even though I've used AA as one of my tools. I'm not entirely clear on why I've avoided it. I guess it's daunting and scary and seems like more work than I'm ready to do.

BUT - actually DOING step one. Not just going to AA and saying "I'm an alcoholic". Not just saying "yeah, I am powerless". But actually DOING an active exercise and putting pen to paper and writing down and looking at my ugly truth with alcohol.... well it's taken me months to get through it, but I'm sure it has helped me with acceptance. I'm sure it has helped me with honoring my choice to walk sober. I'm sure it has helped me really SEE.

jdooner

Working the steps has changed the way I live my life and see the World. Remember the unmanageable part can occur before or after the alcohol. In other words without my coping mechanism I was bat **** crazy. My life was pretty manageable if I consumed enough substances and behaviors. It fell apart when I removed these from the situation - because with them my life was not sustainable mentally, physically or spiritually.

Mangoes

Way to go, Free owl. Everyone needs to approach healing in their own time, and in their own way. There isn't a timeline,, and I think facing things like "the steps" need to be done with a clear mind and heart, not as a checklist or act of desperation a. I think you're more likely to be successful that way.

Congratulations on 9months sober, and step 1

Soberwolf

Living sober was the first book i got given by my sponser such a great read


ive been told i have a great step 1 for me its simple im not trying to sound like its easy

we know what happens when we drink i know i do and im cool with the fact i cant drink safely/resonsibly/socially/whatever other terms there are

i literally know what will happen why is it going to change ? trust me i tried experiments etc

kept on ending up nearly dead what just for a drink ?

when i talk to certain aa folk they tell me im working good steps

i like reminding ppl that i dont work steps but i still get told great step 1 etc

for me i know and ive made peace with that fact of my life

i will die a sober alcoholic i know that much

IOAA2

Hi.
I’m a preacher that says we need to be honest with OURself about our alcoholism. This is followed by acceptance, which I need not like but still must accept to stay sober.
To me going to a few meetings is like only taking a couple pills to overcome a lifelong deadly disease. I’ve been sober a lot of years and still get to 3-5 meetings a week because I’ll hear something I need to hear at that moment, hear a new pearl or something that has faded and needs a memory refresh.
I’m also scared because of seeing so many good folks relapse and never seen again because the serious words that alcohol is so Powerful, Cunning, Baffling and will capture us in a heartbeat are forgotten.
I never heard staying sober is not work but it is easier if we work at it and accept it. It takes that four letter word: time.

BE WELL

giochick

After reading this post, I decided to see if I could find that worksheet, or one that was similar. I am 72 days sober, and like you, I seem to be having a difficult time really working step one. I do have a sponsor, but only recently, and she has repeatedly asked me to do some written reflections about my drinking history which I admit I have been putting off. I found a good 9 page worksheet, finally tackled it, and.....it wasn't easy. Sitting down and actually answering questions like "Have you ever been hospitalized because of your drinking" or "has your drinking ever put someone else's life at risk" and answering "yes, on multiple occasions was very eye opening. I mean, I know that I am an alcoholic. And I believe I accept that, or at least am working towards accepting it. But doing an actual worksheet was really an eyeopener about how bad a life with alcohol in it was/is for me.

Dee74

I'm not an AA guy - but yeah those founding guys had some smarts.
I think acceptance is *absolutely* fundamental.

Good work FreeOwl

D