9 days... struggling a bit
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Sydney NSW
Posts: 350
9 days... struggling a bit
Hi everyone,
I joined this site 9 days ago after a humiliating evening out and a hangover from the ninth circle of hell. I had known for some time I couldn't moderate my drinking but I didn't care that much. That night and the morning after was a real kick in the face though. I just never wanted to feel that way again.
I'm not sure why it needed to get to that point for me to make a decision to stop. Maybe my pride is greater than my concern for my own safety, because more risky/dangerous things have happened in the past, fuelled by my drinking, which my mind had been casting back to these past 9 days. For instance there was the time I woke up in the hallway outside my bathroom with my pants around my ankles and a busted, swollen lip. I had passed out mid-pee and put my tooth through my lip when I fell on the tiles. Many incidents of risky sex. One time I spliced the top of my foot open on the side of an unbevelled mirror and had to go to emergency to get sewn up, and then limped into work on one foot for the next six weeks. Countless days wracked with anxiety at work, hiding behind my computer hoping nobody would speak to me. Days when I was one my way to work and had to jump into a cab and go back home due to panic attacks. There's plenty more... but anyway...
The past 9 days have been a wild ride. At first I was so relieved to be out of the nightmare that I had no problem staying away from the drink. And to be honest I haven't really had any cravings or at any time seriously entertained the idea of having a drink. What I'm really struggling with is my thoughts and feelings without the numbing effect of alcohol. I'm an obsessive thinker and if there's nothing to worry about I'll find something. When I was drinking I didn't really worry about much because either a) my brain was only dimly active because I was drunk or b) I felt too sick to worry about anything because I was hungover.
Now my moods are all over the place. Physically I'm not feeling great because I have digestive problems (these preceded the booze) and without the numbing effect of alcohol I'm noticing them a lot more than usual. Yesterday and today I've felt particularly unwell and it's been getting me down. My skin has also broken out in a fine rash and scaly dry patches... possibly a detox effect.
I guess where I am at is I know I don't want to drink but I'm not sure how to face the rest of my life dealing with all this without any defences. My coping system is shot.
On the plus side when I feel good, I feel really good. And I'm reminding myself that bad feelings are temporary and pain and moods are always changing. This is helping me to ride things out.
And this is the longest I've gone without drinking in probably 15 years. My former self would have gone on at least four binges by now. I usually drank at least a bottle of wine and usually one to two shots of whisky for a weekday binge, and more on a weekend. So that's about 40 units of alcohol I haven't drunk. I can't believe how much I was putting away and how I rationalised that - for me at least - it was normal.
That's my update/vent. I'm a person who really has trouble reaching out and asking for help so I am so grateful this community exists.
I joined this site 9 days ago after a humiliating evening out and a hangover from the ninth circle of hell. I had known for some time I couldn't moderate my drinking but I didn't care that much. That night and the morning after was a real kick in the face though. I just never wanted to feel that way again.
I'm not sure why it needed to get to that point for me to make a decision to stop. Maybe my pride is greater than my concern for my own safety, because more risky/dangerous things have happened in the past, fuelled by my drinking, which my mind had been casting back to these past 9 days. For instance there was the time I woke up in the hallway outside my bathroom with my pants around my ankles and a busted, swollen lip. I had passed out mid-pee and put my tooth through my lip when I fell on the tiles. Many incidents of risky sex. One time I spliced the top of my foot open on the side of an unbevelled mirror and had to go to emergency to get sewn up, and then limped into work on one foot for the next six weeks. Countless days wracked with anxiety at work, hiding behind my computer hoping nobody would speak to me. Days when I was one my way to work and had to jump into a cab and go back home due to panic attacks. There's plenty more... but anyway...
The past 9 days have been a wild ride. At first I was so relieved to be out of the nightmare that I had no problem staying away from the drink. And to be honest I haven't really had any cravings or at any time seriously entertained the idea of having a drink. What I'm really struggling with is my thoughts and feelings without the numbing effect of alcohol. I'm an obsessive thinker and if there's nothing to worry about I'll find something. When I was drinking I didn't really worry about much because either a) my brain was only dimly active because I was drunk or b) I felt too sick to worry about anything because I was hungover.
Now my moods are all over the place. Physically I'm not feeling great because I have digestive problems (these preceded the booze) and without the numbing effect of alcohol I'm noticing them a lot more than usual. Yesterday and today I've felt particularly unwell and it's been getting me down. My skin has also broken out in a fine rash and scaly dry patches... possibly a detox effect.
I guess where I am at is I know I don't want to drink but I'm not sure how to face the rest of my life dealing with all this without any defences. My coping system is shot.
On the plus side when I feel good, I feel really good. And I'm reminding myself that bad feelings are temporary and pain and moods are always changing. This is helping me to ride things out.
And this is the longest I've gone without drinking in probably 15 years. My former self would have gone on at least four binges by now. I usually drank at least a bottle of wine and usually one to two shots of whisky for a weekday binge, and more on a weekend. So that's about 40 units of alcohol I haven't drunk. I can't believe how much I was putting away and how I rationalised that - for me at least - it was normal.
That's my update/vent. I'm a person who really has trouble reaching out and asking for help so I am so grateful this community exists.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: london
Posts: 377
Hey, 9 days is an amazing achievement. Stopping is one of the hardest things, but staying stopped can be even harder.
I'm not trying to put a dampener on things- I just want you to put things into place so that 9 days can turn into a month, and then 2 months.....?
I had 4 months off coke and relapsed, so that is where I'm coming from.
I too found it hard to switch off my thoughts once I stopped and I think that was part of the problem, and probably why I use coke- to shut out certain thoughts. But unless you can find a way to deal with that, you will always want to find an escape.
Is there anything else you can take up as a way of staying clean? Exercise is the obvious one, but there are others.
I found reading a lot of books trying to understand myself better helped initially.
I'm not trying to put a dampener on things- I just want you to put things into place so that 9 days can turn into a month, and then 2 months.....?
I had 4 months off coke and relapsed, so that is where I'm coming from.
I too found it hard to switch off my thoughts once I stopped and I think that was part of the problem, and probably why I use coke- to shut out certain thoughts. But unless you can find a way to deal with that, you will always want to find an escape.
Is there anything else you can take up as a way of staying clean? Exercise is the obvious one, but there are others.
I found reading a lot of books trying to understand myself better helped initially.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Keep in mind Sobriety is a longterm project, it's ok not to have it all figured out, the body needs time to repair and heal, but it can't sort out 15yrs of drinking in a matter of weeks.
For me it was a learning curve, my quick fix of alcohol for dealing with stress or generally life itself had disappeared, so I needed to fill my life toolbox with a few different options, in the beginning I went for long walks, every time life was getting me down, or I came home from work stressed, I got out into the fresh air and walked and walked until I had cleared my head.
Hang in there!! 9 Days is fantastic!!
For me it was a learning curve, my quick fix of alcohol for dealing with stress or generally life itself had disappeared, so I needed to fill my life toolbox with a few different options, in the beginning I went for long walks, every time life was getting me down, or I came home from work stressed, I got out into the fresh air and walked and walked until I had cleared my head.
Hang in there!! 9 Days is fantastic!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Sydney NSW
Posts: 350
Ah, walking! I love it and it used to be my first resort when feeling stressed or unwell in my pre-drinking days. Unfortunately I got a hairline fracture in my metatarsal bone a few months ago... non-drinking related weirdly enough. When I went to get a scan they also told me I had arthritis and general metatarsal degeneration in my feet. The joys of ageing!
So walking is probably not the best exercise option for me for a while. I used to love swimming and plan to get back into it. Although it's not the kind of exercise that can be done at the drop of a hat, unless you have a backyard pool... I'll sign up at a gym too I think. The rowing machine won't hurt my beleaguered feet.
So walking is probably not the best exercise option for me for a while. I used to love swimming and plan to get back into it. Although it's not the kind of exercise that can be done at the drop of a hat, unless you have a backyard pool... I'll sign up at a gym too I think. The rowing machine won't hurt my beleaguered feet.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
i think it's really important to realise this is early recovery. It's recuperation from what I assume has been a long time of abusing mind, soul and body.
It's rough - but it won't always be like this. It would be a total mistake to judge recovery on the last 9 days.
You've tried drinking - you know that's a dead end - I hope you decide to give recovery a go, Sick.
It really is worth it
D
It's rough - but it won't always be like this. It would be a total mistake to judge recovery on the last 9 days.
You've tried drinking - you know that's a dead end - I hope you decide to give recovery a go, Sick.
It really is worth it
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 819
Ahhh....the obsessive worrier. The over active mind. That is me also! I am learning not to worry over things I cannot control. It is taking practice but just letting go feels great. And the folks here have helped me with that. I always remember something someone said to me years ago and if you are not spiritual this may not help at all - if you are worried pray, if you prayed, don't worry. Just one of those things I think about when I am stuck in that worrying mind set.
9 days is a great accomplishment! It does get easier.
9 days is a great accomplishment! It does get easier.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
good onya!!!!!
You're well on your way. Don't WORRY too much about the worrying....
This will get easier in time. Right now you're experiencing a sort of re-bounding of anxiety. You've kept your thoughts and anxieties somewhat in check... at bay.... 'moderately managed' so to speak - through quatities of toxin and obliteration of the mind.
You will need to cope through a period of readjustment, but as your mind and body cleanse themselves of the effects of the toxins and you begin to recalibrate your natural internal balance - this will ease.
I would urge you to consider aa or a counselor or perhaps even both. Often as we move into sobriety, we find a need to establish new ways of thinking and responding to the stuff of every day life. Many of us chose this 'coping through obliteration' path at a very young age, and as a result we missed out on the development of normal, adult tools and responses to living. As you move more deeply into sobriety, you will find that you can more and more readily develop these mature, adult, empowering and nourishing ways of living your life.
And as a consequence, your life's goodness, richness and joy will also deepen.
You're well on your way. Don't WORRY too much about the worrying....
This will get easier in time. Right now you're experiencing a sort of re-bounding of anxiety. You've kept your thoughts and anxieties somewhat in check... at bay.... 'moderately managed' so to speak - through quatities of toxin and obliteration of the mind.
You will need to cope through a period of readjustment, but as your mind and body cleanse themselves of the effects of the toxins and you begin to recalibrate your natural internal balance - this will ease.
I would urge you to consider aa or a counselor or perhaps even both. Often as we move into sobriety, we find a need to establish new ways of thinking and responding to the stuff of every day life. Many of us chose this 'coping through obliteration' path at a very young age, and as a result we missed out on the development of normal, adult tools and responses to living. As you move more deeply into sobriety, you will find that you can more and more readily develop these mature, adult, empowering and nourishing ways of living your life.
And as a consequence, your life's goodness, richness and joy will also deepen.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 109
Your experience reminds me of my own. The panic, the being too drunk to be emotional or too hung over to worry. The increasing panic attacks happened for me as I reached my wall. I am now 7 weeks sober from a similar drinking pattern to yours. I didn't know much about what I was in for when I stopped drinking but I do now. I think everyone has their unique experience with Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome but the obsessive thinking and possible rumination you mention can be an early part of the PAWS process. I had it and did wonder about it too. Thoughts (usually negative and about things that happened in the past) kept circulating and consumed most of my time for a few weeks. And then they stopped. Within a few days my brain stopped doing it and I had more freedom to think about other things.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: bay area
Posts: 59
Can you ride a bike ok? I am lucky to live in an area that is pretty safe to ride in, and beautiful to boot, and bike rides are the easiest and fastest way to shut my mind up. I simply can't think about anything but the air and the weather and the terrain I am navigating while I ride. It's almost instantaneous. I think this is why people love motorcycles. Those two wheels demand focus, haha.
You probably don't want to hear the next part, it's sounds so cheesy, but meditation really does work. But it's harder to do than it sounds, and can feel frustrating when you start, but with practice it really does help, and not just while you are actively doing it. I feel better all day. Yoga is like this too, in fact it works better than meditation for me since it makes my whole body have to connect with my brain, but you can't just stop and do yoga whenever your brain starts going. Meditation is very portable.
Yoga is way less intimidating than it sounds. Even three or four poses in less than 5 minutes can help you feel the benefits, and they are easy to learn online. I like warrior, triangle, half moon, and child's pose especially.
You probably don't want to hear the next part, it's sounds so cheesy, but meditation really does work. But it's harder to do than it sounds, and can feel frustrating when you start, but with practice it really does help, and not just while you are actively doing it. I feel better all day. Yoga is like this too, in fact it works better than meditation for me since it makes my whole body have to connect with my brain, but you can't just stop and do yoga whenever your brain starts going. Meditation is very portable.
Yoga is way less intimidating than it sounds. Even three or four poses in less than 5 minutes can help you feel the benefits, and they are easy to learn online. I like warrior, triangle, half moon, and child's pose especially.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Originally Posted by Dee74 
i think it's really important to realise this is early recovery. It's recuperation from what I assume has been a long time of abusing mind, soul and body.
It's rough - but it won't always be like this. It would be a total mistake to judge recovery on the last 9 days.
You've tried drinking - you know that's a dead end - I hope you decide to give recovery a go, Sick.
It really is worth it
D
It's rough - but it won't always be like this. It would be a total mistake to judge recovery on the last 9 days.
You've tried drinking - you know that's a dead end - I hope you decide to give recovery a go, Sick.
It really is worth it
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,355
It becomes so much easier with time.
I quit smoking a month or so ago...
I have now been sober for a week.
I have quit mj for over two months now.
Each one brought on its new challenge and each one is different. All I can say it stick with it and get some support.
When I feel down, I look at a picture of my family and say I want to be better for them for the rest of my life. I dont want to be short tempered, easily agitated, and upset at small things... Life is too short to be upset or just be drunk or hungover for a lot of it... I want to remember. I want to participate. I want to be more than just there... I want to contribute.
I just want to be a better man, husband, father...
I quit smoking a month or so ago...
I have now been sober for a week.
I have quit mj for over two months now.
Each one brought on its new challenge and each one is different. All I can say it stick with it and get some support.
When I feel down, I look at a picture of my family and say I want to be better for them for the rest of my life. I dont want to be short tempered, easily agitated, and upset at small things... Life is too short to be upset or just be drunk or hungover for a lot of it... I want to remember. I want to participate. I want to be more than just there... I want to contribute.
I just want to be a better man, husband, father...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: midwest
Posts: 484
What Dee said :-), we are here for you! I think that being sick of drinking, knowing you can't control it, and searching for honest support is a wonderful place to begin your recovery. Considering writing a journal to document and materialize your journey. You can absolutely do this dear friend!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Sydney NSW
Posts: 350
Hmm, I wrote a long post earlier and it seems to have disappeared?! Gah...
I'm doing somewhat better today thanks Dee. Still up and down. My moods seem to change hourly. Currently I'm at the office and just trying to stay busy so as not to obsess.
Thanks for the thoughtful replies, suggestions and support guys. It's much appreciated.
Due to losing my earlier post I won't write it all out again... will check back in a few days (no doubt I'll need to)
I'm doing somewhat better today thanks Dee. Still up and down. My moods seem to change hourly. Currently I'm at the office and just trying to stay busy so as not to obsess.
Thanks for the thoughtful replies, suggestions and support guys. It's much appreciated.
Due to losing my earlier post I won't write it all out again... will check back in a few days (no doubt I'll need to)
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