rough day coming
 

Hi folks. I have some rough times coming-I will try to explain concisely. I have a brother who is an alcoholic although he denies it. He has been drinking every day, all day for about 35 yrs. He lost his wife yrs ago,his children are adults and refuse to have anything to do with him. He physically attacked one of his daughters when she was pregnant and threatened to call the authorities on the other daughter to have her child taken away. He lost his license 6 yrs ago (not dui,another issue) but continued to drive. His truck is finally broken down for good now. He has lost every job he has ever had. He has been skating by on section 8 and foodstamps and an under the table part time job. Now he has no job at all. His bills have been in the arrears for years because whatever money he gets, he spends at the liquor store.

Here is my problem. I have helped him out for years-paid his bills, rent etc...I am not doing that anymore. He is about to get evicted and I know he will want to come to my house-not going to happen. Last time he almost got evicted, he was demanding to store his stuff in my garage. That is not going to happen either. I am going to give him a ride to the laundromat tomorrow but I know he will start in with all his problems. No one can say anything to him about his drinking or spending money on it without him becoming volatile and sometimes violent.

I love my brother and God knows I know what it is like to be an alcoholic. I am willing to help him but I can't help someone who doesn't want the help. My anxiety level is through the roof right now. I know tomorrow morning, when he gets in my car with his travel mug, I will have to check it for beer. (When I was drinking I actually never drank and drove and I have never allowed open containers in my car) I go through this everytime I give him a ride. My sobriety is not in danger because of this but my panic disorder is in full swing. I hate this feeling and am going to have to shut him out.

I don't know what his rock bottom is. He has lost everything but the roof over his head and now he is about to lose that too. He has been homeless before. He just always seems to think he can cheat the system and come out on top. He doesn't realize that he never does.

I guess I just needed to get this off of my chest. I know that I can't change him.

You do the right thing by ceasing to enable his addiction, how will he learn the consequences of his addiction if someone keeps bailing him out?

You need to look after YOU first, your Sobriety is the most important thing to protect in all of this, regardless of who is causing the anxiety, whether it be family member or not, at the end of the day he needs to want to change!!

Hang in there, when it comes to family it can be tough!! :grouphug:

i feel so bad for you

idk what to say maybe just leave after telling him what he needs to do if he wont listen leave a note

I actually stopped giving him money months ago which is one reason he is going down the tubes fast now. Although, many years ago he was homeless, lost everything and still didn't stop drinking. And I wasn't the one who bailed him out back then.

I just know what is coming. Whenever he is in the deep end, he calls me. If I answer, he screams and yells and won't listen to a word I say. If I don't answer the phone, he screams at me through the answering machine. He does this to everyone and it usually includes deatth threats. Not what I want my family to have to deal with.

Well it can be heart breaking, but if he's threatening, don't tolerate it.
Brother or not, you have a family to take care of.

I wouldn't even go tomorrow. You can pray for him, but that's all you can do at this point.

Prayers your way

I'm very sorry for this sad situation.

I think you know you have a right to your boundaries. Can you block his calls so that the answering machine doesn't pick up and you don't have to listen to his messages.

I hope you can find some peace.

Thanks everyone. I know what I need to do-doesn't make it easy though and anxiety is a biggy for me. I will give him this one last ride and let him know that I can't help him out anymore.

What I would really like to do is tell him that I am an alcoholic and offer him some help. Last time I tried to tell him that I have a drinking problem, he told me to go have a beer. His solution for everything.

I can't fix him. I can only fix myself and that is my priority. It really does help me though to talk it out with you folks here. Thanks again.

i would also get the police involved from the moment death threats are getting slung around

sounds like hes practiced this routine you now enforce everything against his that includes reporting him the more it happens the more hel get this cant go on

if he is truly a lost cause and i dont believe no one is then you just cut contact

restraing orders if he thinks he can do what he wants this is abuse

as tough as it sounds just walk away

I don't like to believe anyone is a lost cause either and I believe every life has value but with him, he will either have to hit an incredibly horrific rock bottom or die before he does.

He has had restraining orders against him before and been ordered into domestic violence classes. He laughed off the domestic violence classes calling them his door kicking classes because what prompted it was him kicking my mother's door in. The police have been at his house more times than I can count.

The other side to him, is a nice guy. He will help anyone, anytime. If he would stop drinking, he would be the nicest guy you ever met. But yup, I have to walk. It took me a long time to come around. Hopefully, he will someday.

really hope it works out sprout

Just an update-things actually went ok. I couldn't talk to him about his drinking but I put it in terms of his health. He made excuses for not being able to go to the dr. I told him that is the one place I would give him a ride to. Other than that, he now knows he is on his own.

Thanks to all you folks for talking me through my anxiety attack last night. I really needed that!

I imagine this must be a really awful challenge for you. On the one hand, longing to help your brother. On the other hand, knowing you cannot.

My thoughts are with you.

I really think you made the right decision, and it must have taken a lot of courage. My Uncle was an alcoholic, but my Grandparents enabled him to keep going by paying his rent and giving him money. The story did not end well - he went missing after a binge and his body was found a month later. If he hadn't been able to rely on that stream of income, he might still be with us.

The best thing you can do for him right now is keep in contact and hold your bottom line. You might consider going to a counselor to learn how to communicate your concern without setting off his defense mechanisms. It might help with your anxiety too. I wish you the very best of luck.

You may want to check out AlAnon. Its tough when you love an addict/alcoholic and see them go through the torture. But like you they have to go through their own journey if its to stick. Remember you did not Cause it, can't Control it and you can't Cure it.

Setting boundaries is one of the healthiest things we can do or otherwise we are enabling. Be very careful you are not taking his inventory and trying to work his program for him. Be firm with your boundaries to protect yourself and not enable him but try to detatch so not to get pulled under if he drowns.

I know I can't work his program. I am busy working my own! I am on day 30 myself. I certainly do not have the expertise to help him. He has to come to it himself just like I did. I have set the boundaries. And it's sad but I almost wish he would just hit that rock bottom hard so he can start to climb up.

Congrats on the 30 days.

I'm glad it worked out OK today Sprout. Congrats on 30 days :)

D

Congrats on 30 days

Good for you, sprout. And congrats on the 30.

God bless you, Sprout50!
I have been speculating what would have happened in this country, had Prohibition never been repealed. The fact that it stuck 13 years is quite remarkable. But, how many lives would have been saved that have been lost to liver failure? How many families would have remained intact?
God bless you in your sobriety and your efforts to help your brother. Prayers are going your way!