My binge drinking story
 

Hello everybody. Encouraged by the interesting stories on this forum, I taught it would feel good to share my story.
I hope it be useful for somebody.
English is not my first language, please excuse any mistakes, and excuse my language.

I am a 33 year old male living in Europe. I do not have a job, but I sometimes work for myself.

I finally came to the conclusion that I am an alcoholic.

My drinking history

I cannot remember exactly when I started drinking, but it must have been somewhere around 16 years of age.
As a shy and insecure teenager alcohol would give me 'magical powers' and a guaranteed 'good time' Hangovers where mild at that time. When i got older drinking increased. So did my hangovers. Alcohol was cheap, and at some point I would binge 3 times a week.

At times it would slow down to once every two week. But it never stopped.

At one point in my life I had a friend who was also a binge drinker. We both didn't have jobs. Everytime one of us managed to get hold of some liquor, we invited eachother and got totally wasted together. It was what we did. We used eachother just as an excuse to get drunk. Money was limited, so we would get wasted at home, then find a bar. We would stay in bars until 8 in the morning. Slowly poisoning ourselves over the night. It was how we socialized.

This did go on week after week for many years. Get a bottle of strong liquor, find an excuse to drink it, be drunk, recover.


What type of drinker am I?


I am a binge drinker. I don't drink at home. Do not like the taste. Never liked the buzz it gave me. Just like the way I could 'handle' social situations. The way I wouldn't give a ****.

I don't see a point in drinking 1, 2 or 3 beers. Alcohol is only good for cleaning and getting drunk.

When I take 1 sip of beer, I know I failed. Now get me drunk ASAP so I can forget about my failure.


Why I drink


I'm sure in the past I had many reasons to drink. Having a blast, relieving stress, celebrating. Whatever ******** reasons people use to drink.

Now I just drink to handle situations where I always used to drink in. Maybe I never learned to socialize without alcohol.

Trying to make a good impression. Ironically I usually do the opposite.

I hang out with a group of friends who think alcohol(and drugs) and socializing are 1 and the same thing.

Other than that,I blame drinking culture. When men are at work, we drink coffee. After work we drink beer. If you don't, you must be gay.

People expect everybody to like parties, large crowds and loud music.
I can tolerate them when I am drunk.

If I remember the good times of my life, in none of them I was drunk.

I do have a friend who does not drink. I like hanging with him most.

But my main group of friends all drink. They aren't binge drinkers. But they always drink, they always have alcohol, they don't like non-drinkers in their midst. They must be anti-social. I do not even blame them for that. When I am binging I demand everybody else to drink with me.


Last week

Last week I thought I had it under control. I had a birthday party of a friend of mine. I knew bottle's of vodka would be waiting there for me.
But I made a plan. I would go to the supermarket. I would buy all kinds of exotic soft drinks. Pretend they where mix drinks. One of them was. I never knew there was alcohol in "shandy" (0,5%). And if I hadn't looked on the label, I would have never knew. But I did.

Immediately i took 3 shots of vodka. rest is history.

For the first time i had an evening full of blackouts.

Later I heard I was hitting on my friends girlfriend while he was present. I also appeared to have taken some XTC. I went drinking till 8 in the morning.

2 days in bed. 5 days of depression and panic attacks.

I would never drink again.

Yesterday. Party. started drinking, but got tired. Searched around for amphetamines. Found them.

I wouldn't recommend drugs to anyone, but the strange thing is taking drugs often saves me from getting totally wasted. Somehow I stop drinking (or switch to water) when I am on drugs.
Next morning I feel better then i would have felt would I have sticked to alcohol. But still terrible.


The hangovers


I wake up feeling sick in my stomach, a heavy headache.
when I still smoked 2 packs of sigarettes on an evening, add a sore thoat.

I take some ibuprofen. Want to go back to sleep again. Just let this day pass without me being awake in it.

Now that was the good part of my hangover. Usually the guilt, shame, anxiety and depression I feel are the bad part. They can last for days.

I don't want to think about the damage I did to my body and brain.

I feel like i wasted a good part of my life and brain on alcohol.

On average i would guess that 3 days of a week I am hungover. That is 43% of a week.

I've been doing this for almost 18 years. Thats a hangover of almost 8 years. straight.


Once I had a really good job. 2 days after new years eve, I called in sick for work. I had to tell my boss I had to leave work because I drunk to much 2 days ago. I somehow couldn't handle the situation. next day I called my boss and quit my job.



Advise please

I need total abstinence.

I know my friends are not to blame for my drinking problem. And they aren't bad people. I know they would still accept me if I quit drinking. I just don't think I can control myself while hanging out with them while they are drinking.

We are a close group, so either I see none of them (and i have no more friends) or I see all of them. Should I lose my friends?

Should I not seek out situations where I could start drinking again?

Should I not go into bars? Or maybe I should slowly train myself to be sober in bars...

Sooner or later I will run into a situation when drinks are available. I cannot run forever

Before losing control again last week I didn't drink for 2 months.

I guess there is no other option but to keep trying. never drink again.


I welcome any advise or ideas. Thank you.

What worked for you those 2 months you didn't drink? Sounds like you had a good plan in place during that time. What kept you from drinking in those situations you fear during that period?


Welcome, you will find plenty of support here. Post a lot, let people know how you are doing.

I can relate when you speak of friends you have who all drink and not wanting to lose them. Remember that if they are true friends they will stick with you through your own sobriety. In the past this is what I have found. Also, remember how good you feel when hanging out with your sober friend. Maybe you can find more sober friends to do things with. It may be easier than always being around people who are drinking.

I had said NO a couple of times to social events, and I was lucky there where no social events/party's that I had to attend to.

I'm just not sure if it would be a good idea to say 'no' when a good friend invites me to his/her birthday party...

If you do truly want sobriety as you say, most likely you will need to make drastic changes in your life.

Should you not go into bars? Bars exist exclusively for drinking alcohol. If you desire and need to he sober, then it's probably not a great idea.

Will you need to lose your friends? Maybe some of them, maybe not. You may also find that all you have in common is alcohol, so you have nothing to do anyway. True friends will respect your decision and encourage you, they will also be willing to do things other than hanging out in bars.

It's a major change in our live no doubt. Be prepared for rejection by some and a lot of misunderstanding from those that don't know why you can't just "cut back".

There is a very fulfilling life for anyone minus alcohol though, and you can certainly achieve it if you want it enough. There are sober communities like SR and AA that can help, along with many others. You can meet new sober people, and also realize that most people don't drink all the time.

If sticking a fork in you eye hurts why stick a fork in your eye...
Analogy being why attend events that you know will trigger you to drink or do drugs.

I'm far from saying that the above would be a permanent thing, but for many of us, avoiding drinking situations for a while, until we grow some solid sobriety legs is critical.

Glad you are here and posting, you most definitely can achieve sobriety. There is no requirement to hit a terrible rock bottom. You just need to want to be sober more than party.

Good luck!

Welcome to the Forum!! :wave:

I had to really change the activities I got involved in and people I hung out with after I got Sober, which is more important?

The reality is your friends, if they are real friends, should understand such an important decision in your life surely? with regards your health, if not, then might be time to rethink how deep those friendships really go!!

You can do this!! :)

Some great advice here socialbinger.

I had to totally change my life...cos my life was all about drinking.

I don't regret it tho - I gained a life and me I love...I did not lose out on the deal...I'm sure you won't either :)

Welcome aboard :)

D

Thank everybody :)

I have decided I will not go to any events where drinking is involved. Or anything that I associate with alcohol.

I will let you know how things go.

Thank you for your honesty, it is so helpful. No advice, but I am wishing you the best in your sobriety. :-)

Cosigned Soberberwolf

Nice to meet you

great advice here on this thread

good luck

No advice either...but a word of encouragement. We sometimes think we are so alone, or our situations are somehow unique. Your Story reminds me we are not. Day by day...
Stay strong. :-)

I can relate to almost everything you wrote especially the bingeing and not really knowing when it all began. There are many forms of support and it is lovely to be free. Good luck xxx

Welcome to SR.

The only drink you have to stay away from,is the first one,that helped me in my early days.

I was advised to stay away from drinking situations,until I felt stronger in sobriety.

If you stop drinking and remain sober you will find there is no fun being with people who drink.

I wish you well.

Your story really resonated with me socialbinger, so much I relate to... especially not seeing the point in "civilised" drinking. In a way that's a positive for us alkies. If you know you only want to get blasted, and know getting blasted doesn't work for you, well, sobriety becomes the only option. There's much help here, best of luck with sobriety.

Welcome socialbinger. Loved reading your story, it really helped me a lot and I believe it will help me stay sober today.

Ditto what everyone else said. If they are your friends, they will stick with you when you quit, if they don't than that is what they call a "drinking buddy" and nothing more.

In your post you wrote: If I remember the good times of my life, in none of them I was drunk. So you know staying sober is what will really make your life "good."

Stay out of the bars, especially in the beginning and if "friends" are lost because of you getting sober, so be it. I hope for you that your life can go forward with having the good times sober, just like before.

Cheering you on in your Journey,

Cecilia. :ring

You got to get over the feeling that you need to drink (missing out) when you are hanging out with your friends. That's a false idea prompted by your alcoholic mind. You are allergic to liquor not your friends. Enjoy them and provide them a ride home if necessary. Avoid being holier than thou while you watch them drink like so many ex-smokers are.

Thank you for sharing. I typically accept a drink just because it is being offered or order one just because I can---the truth is, I don't really 'want' it; it's just there. Finding my greater truth that I don't want it so I can pass on the offer is very empowering.

My weakness is the old saying, "One is too many and a hundred is not enough." If I get started, I lack the inner switch that knows when enough is enough. I have had blackouts and have dealt with the shame and the number of days it takes me to "live it down". I hate that most of all.

God bless you as we all heal together.

Hi socialbinger,

Thanks for sharing your story, and especially the mathematical breakdown of hangovers -a real eye-opener for me and probably many of us here, I expect.

I know what you mean about alcohol giving you "magic powers" for socializing. I'm at least moderately agoraphobic but when I drink I'm a social butterfly and very aggressive. Similar to you, 16 when I started, 27 now.

I hope you find success in healing.