Anita1234

So this is my first time ever posting to a forum of any kind, but I'm honestly so devastated and heartbroken. Over the past month I have looked for anything and everything to help me to better understand my situation with my husband. We met back in 2006 and became friends, but did not date for a variety of reasons until 2009. About a year and a half later we were engaged and living together. When we first met he would smoke pot with his friends occasionally. I guess what you would call recreationally. I assumed that it was something that he would outgrow as we are both in our early thirties now. Boy, was I wrong!!

To complicate things he started to verbally abuse me. It was very infrequent when we were engaged. He started out with a random episode of name calling and then there was a major blow out on the day of my bridal shower when he freaked out that all the guys could not get together for a guys day b/c they were busy and he took his frustration out on me by name calling, yelling, etc. I remembering crying and crying on the way to my bridal shower. About a year into our marriage the verbal abuse and the pot usage significantly increased. I think it increased from the stress of our jobs and opening a business together. He started to smoke pot several times a night and then started receiving these packages with pot pills in them!! He never discussed these packages with me but just started to receive them. He needed pot to calm down at night, reduce anxiety, have a good time, before work, after work, etc. His outbursts also increased in person and over text messages. I would be at work and he would randomly text me wanting to start a fight. He would tell me I'm a fool and a puppet for not smoking pot and badgering him about stopping. He would curse me out and tell me he was not going to acknowledge me all night when we got home from work. And he really wouldn't even make eye contact or acknowledge me when he arrived home. I finally started to see a counselor on my own as he refused to come with me to marriage counseling. He told me I was better off talking to a divorce lawyer than getting him to see a counselor. I tried one last time to discuss my concern about his pot smoking and pills and he flipped out. It was probably the worst verbal abuse ever. In addition, he told me I'm fighting a losing battle and will NEVER EVER win so I moved out in early August. I honestly feel like he has been so irrational and is totally unaware that he has an issue. He refuses to believe that pot is addictive. I told him he was choosing pot over our marriage and he just mocked me every time and became furious.

He just doesn't get it. What happened to the man I married? We of course had so many incredible great memories together and he's just throwing them out.
I'm honestly heartbroken. I haven't lived with him in over a month. Our 2 year anniversary came and went on September 7th and I didn't hear a thing from him. Then we talked the day after and he told me it was over. He refuses to change and agrees that we have different morals.

Has anyone ever been in a similar situation?

Soberwolf

Run for your life you deserve a lot better than that

if this is his choice then so be it

the bit that got me was the 2 year anni didnt even try to make contact

please dont waste your time on someone treating you like this

hope you find happiness soon

Anita1234

Thank you Soberwolf! I really appreciate your comment. I honestly didn't realize how bad it was until I moved out. I kept this to myself for more than 2 years because of fear of his anger and fear that my family and friends would hate him so it is very helpful to be able to talk/write about it.

SoberLife2014

He doesn't sound like a very nice guy, pot or no pot. You deserve better than that Anita. I'm sorry you're having to go through this.

Anna

I'm sorry for your situation but your husband has made his decision that the pot is more important than the marriage. I'm glad you have moved out and are getting counselling.

Anita1234

Thank you Lulupalooza and Anna. I feel so badly moving out on him. I feel like he needs help right now with his addiction, but he does not want help or want to change. The verbal abuse really complicates things and has made it impossible for me to live with him. I just keep praying that he sees what he is doing to himself and what he has done to our marriage.

NorMar

My God, no decision at all here. You are probably lucky no physical abuse has happened. You know about the Pot, but it is entirely possible he is doing other drugs he's hiding from you. That kind of sadistic, borderline psychopathic behavior is more associated with meth, or something similar.

It's obvious he doesn't want to continue the relationship. Consider yourself lucky you haven't been hurt seriously. If you go back, that may well be the next step. It's obvious he has no respect for you or your well being at all.

Time to start fighting back. Get mad. Get yourself to safety, get a lawyer, start getting your life back.

Dee74

I'm really sorry to read all that Anita. I definitely agree you're way better off out of that.

I know you'll find support here, and also in our Family and Friends forums too

D

NorMar

You must shed that guilt you feel for leaving. You didn't really leave, you were forced out of a hellish situation. He has needed help with his addiction since before you were married, not just "right now."If you had not moved out, nothing would be changed, you cannot help this person in his present state, and he has no interest in helping himself. He seems to be psychologically addicted to verbally abusing and humiliating you as he is to whatever drugs he is doing. I am just afraid the next step will be physical abuse, when the verbal is not enough. Prayers are a powerful thing, but I suggest you pray for the strength to break away.

Anita1234

Thank you so much for your replies everyone. I really appreciate the advice. I never thought of the fact that there could be other drugs involved and the possibility of physical abuse. I guess in some strange way I just trusted that he would never try harder stuff. It's so difficult to see when you're in it. Reading your responses to the situation really helps me to see how truly horrible the situation had become.

NorMar

You said, "What happened to the man I married?" in your original post.
From reading your original post, the started the abuse while you were still engaged...So this is the REAL guy you married. The drugs are just magnifying his abusive nature.
Yes, physical violence is a reality. You are really quite lucky that it hasn't happened already. Distance yourself from this in every way you can. You are not responsible for any of this nightmare. Leaving was your only choice.

Please keep us posted.

Anita1234

Thank you Normar! I will definitely keep you all posted. I'm definitely praying to find the right path and heal from all of this. I can't thank everyone enough for the support. This can feel like a very lonely path.

Soberwolf

hope it all works out anita

leah333

There's no way it's pot making him behave this way. Perhaps the pills he starting taking were something else?? Or he's using something else you don't know about. Just remember you can not help someone who doesn't want help. It's impossible. Good luck to you.

sickofthiscrap

Abusers don't need drugs/alcohol to be abusive. They are psychologically wired that way. Alcohol and drugs may magnify the tendencies but they are already there.

Eauchiche

Dear Anita
I have been reading a series of books entitled "Getting Them Sober." The title is a bit misleading. The books are more educational about how an addict thinks, and what you can expect them to do. Even though the books primarily deal with alcoholism, I am sure you can find some things from them to apply to your situation. And to think that during my crazy time as a problem drinking agnostic, I was all for the legalization of pot. So Sorry!
God bless you!

Lostinhk

Although I've been (well am) a regular pot smoker, this is the first time I've heard about someone becoming abusive whilst high.

When I'm high it's actually when I'm nicest, and I feel like a lot of smokers are the same. Regardless, my gf doesn't smoke and I have never pressured her to or told her that she should. Whilst i haven't heard his side of the story, from what you are saying he sounds like a major douche and someone you're better off without.

Anita1234

Eauciche, thank you for the reference. I will definitely look into that. I'm trying to understand the way he is thinking and it's leaving me completing confused. I continue to play things over and over in my head trying to understand his reasoning and coming up short.

Sickofthiscrap, I agree with you. Thank you. I think that this is something deep within him. I think that the drugs that he's using are intensifying the issue.

I honestly thought the same about pot. I always thought that it would make people very chill and more peaceful. I honestly have to say I'm not so sure it has that effect on everyone. I think he was chill when he was using, but the opposite when he wasn't high and of course not angry all of the time, but when he was it was horrible. Also, it was hard for me to tell when he was using b/c he's very high functioning. The best way I can describe him is Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

Has anyone else noticed mood changes or irritability in a loved one who uses pot regularly? He was smoking a few times a night and also taking the "pot pills" as well.

SeekingGrowth

"Pot pills"? Really? How do you know they are pot pills and not something else?

JustEric

I honestly think he was lying about what he was using. That does not sound like pot in the least.

No matter what its a good thing you got away from a bad situation before it became physical.