Hi, I'm Tara - long post
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 57
Hi, I'm Tara - long post
Hi, so, I've been lingering around, finally joined on September 7th, 2014. I haven't had a drink since the evening of September 6th, 2014. It's been a very positive experience so far in terms of reaching out to the SR community. I really needed support and to talk about how I was feeling without much ado, and people were there.
That being said, I feel like I need to introduce myself and say "who I am" since an online community is much like any other community - and it's weird to just come right in and start talking to people in the middle of their conversations! So, my name is Tara, 36, I am separated from my husband for a year now. We have a 3 year old son. My husband has his own set of issues and I won't get into that now, but it does still affect me and my son and it will come across in my posts. I might also mention my mom, dad (alc), brother (alc, Mary j), older (best friend, responsible) sister, and finally my freeloading sister who currently crashes on my couch.
I am a professional now, so I managed to graduate college (though I should have made all a's I made bs and cs since I drank throughout). I also was very athletic and perhaps from my high school playing level should have also pursued that in college, but decided to drink instead.
I think I was born alcoholic! My dad is, my brother has issues with alcohol and marijuana. I remember drinking in my teens and I could have always had more drinks...I remember the attitude I had of "I don't give a..." but in reality I cared a great deal, and the situation at home ate me up inside. We lived in poverty in southern WV with my dad's drinking. I've always inside somehow identified myself as the poor drunks daughter and have always felt a great sense of shame about where I came from and projected that feeling into who I think I am. Explains a lot I guess. When I meet someone I become overcome with fear of abandonment once they realize who/what I am and where I'm from. When I first started partying I said I would never be like my dad, because the stigma is that alcohol abuse is a "bad persons" problem, an issue of morality and not one of more complex or psychosomatic origins. Wow, how wrong I was and how wrong the "normal" drinkers are but who can blame them?
Anyway, now in live in Charlotte NC. I've been employed by the same company for the past 8 years and even managed to move up one notch...not a heck of a lot of progress, but impressive for a wino woman like me. I've been drinking steadily since about 2002. I graduated college in 2001 and started dating and living with a man who eventually started physically abusing me. He had a habit of drinking beer every night, and I took to that habit quickly.
After I got out of that situation I moved to VA for a few years then finally settled in NC but I kept the drinking habit, it moved from beer to wine and I never found anything I liked better than that red wine.
So, as of 9/7 (well 9/6 I finished the end of a bottle, without going to get more which is unheard of, but I decided that day - that was the end of it) I no longer am going to put myself down, hate myself, drink and cry, drink and make embarrassing phone calls, frantically try to get my kid to bed so I can drink, wake in the middle of the night full of anxiety then be plagued with insomnia, pass out, black out, be angry and full of resentment for problems I've drank over top of, wake up feeling like a steaming pile, miss work, stain clothes with red wine, break glasses of wine on my floors, stumble, get bruised, slur my words, stink like cigs and booze, hide in my house not living life, waste my money, waste my life, give my ex ammunition against me, avoid new relationships, lie to everyone about my evenings, forget conversations, worry about my health, have bad skin, slink through life doing the least effort necessary, ignore shaving my legs or other cosmetic things out of laziness - like painting my nails, let dirty clothes or dishes get behind cause I can't get out of bed, keep my kid inside all day cause I'm sick, etc, etc...I deserve to be healthy and happy again inside and out. My son deserves an active mommy. I'm ready this time to quit for good.
I've been terrified of being brave enough to "come clean". I've let that fear keep me from being sober. Not saying this is everyone's cup of tea, many need another person right away to be accountable to, but for me - just for right now, am going to build my self confidence by being sober and then open up in time. Friends and family will either see it over time and/or be told over time. To keep drinking my life away because I'm afraid to let everyone know my secret is a mistake. I just need to quit, and quit now and not focus on the "secrets" anymore. Get healthy. Get happy. That's it. Thanks for reading this long if you're still reading! Thank you for just being on SR if you're not still reading this I still owe you all!
That being said, I feel like I need to introduce myself and say "who I am" since an online community is much like any other community - and it's weird to just come right in and start talking to people in the middle of their conversations! So, my name is Tara, 36, I am separated from my husband for a year now. We have a 3 year old son. My husband has his own set of issues and I won't get into that now, but it does still affect me and my son and it will come across in my posts. I might also mention my mom, dad (alc), brother (alc, Mary j), older (best friend, responsible) sister, and finally my freeloading sister who currently crashes on my couch.
I am a professional now, so I managed to graduate college (though I should have made all a's I made bs and cs since I drank throughout). I also was very athletic and perhaps from my high school playing level should have also pursued that in college, but decided to drink instead.
I think I was born alcoholic! My dad is, my brother has issues with alcohol and marijuana. I remember drinking in my teens and I could have always had more drinks...I remember the attitude I had of "I don't give a..." but in reality I cared a great deal, and the situation at home ate me up inside. We lived in poverty in southern WV with my dad's drinking. I've always inside somehow identified myself as the poor drunks daughter and have always felt a great sense of shame about where I came from and projected that feeling into who I think I am. Explains a lot I guess. When I meet someone I become overcome with fear of abandonment once they realize who/what I am and where I'm from. When I first started partying I said I would never be like my dad, because the stigma is that alcohol abuse is a "bad persons" problem, an issue of morality and not one of more complex or psychosomatic origins. Wow, how wrong I was and how wrong the "normal" drinkers are but who can blame them?
Anyway, now in live in Charlotte NC. I've been employed by the same company for the past 8 years and even managed to move up one notch...not a heck of a lot of progress, but impressive for a wino woman like me. I've been drinking steadily since about 2002. I graduated college in 2001 and started dating and living with a man who eventually started physically abusing me. He had a habit of drinking beer every night, and I took to that habit quickly.
After I got out of that situation I moved to VA for a few years then finally settled in NC but I kept the drinking habit, it moved from beer to wine and I never found anything I liked better than that red wine.
So, as of 9/7 (well 9/6 I finished the end of a bottle, without going to get more which is unheard of, but I decided that day - that was the end of it) I no longer am going to put myself down, hate myself, drink and cry, drink and make embarrassing phone calls, frantically try to get my kid to bed so I can drink, wake in the middle of the night full of anxiety then be plagued with insomnia, pass out, black out, be angry and full of resentment for problems I've drank over top of, wake up feeling like a steaming pile, miss work, stain clothes with red wine, break glasses of wine on my floors, stumble, get bruised, slur my words, stink like cigs and booze, hide in my house not living life, waste my money, waste my life, give my ex ammunition against me, avoid new relationships, lie to everyone about my evenings, forget conversations, worry about my health, have bad skin, slink through life doing the least effort necessary, ignore shaving my legs or other cosmetic things out of laziness - like painting my nails, let dirty clothes or dishes get behind cause I can't get out of bed, keep my kid inside all day cause I'm sick, etc, etc...I deserve to be healthy and happy again inside and out. My son deserves an active mommy. I'm ready this time to quit for good.
I've been terrified of being brave enough to "come clean". I've let that fear keep me from being sober. Not saying this is everyone's cup of tea, many need another person right away to be accountable to, but for me - just for right now, am going to build my self confidence by being sober and then open up in time. Friends and family will either see it over time and/or be told over time. To keep drinking my life away because I'm afraid to let everyone know my secret is a mistake. I just need to quit, and quit now and not focus on the "secrets" anymore. Get healthy. Get happy. That's it. Thanks for reading this long if you're still reading! Thank you for just being on SR if you're not still reading this I still owe you all!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
Congrats on your first WEEK!!! you do what you feel comfortable with right now, just not drinking until you get your footing and caring for your child is great.
it's hard being a single parent. but you are coming out of your shell too.
you might want to take a weekly selfie of your face, you will be amazed at the changes over time. it's great motivation along with saving your booze $$.
it's hard being a single parent. but you are coming out of your shell too.
you might want to take a weekly selfie of your face, you will be amazed at the changes over time. it's great motivation along with saving your booze $$.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Welcome - its a great little community with lots of support. I recommend joining the Monthly Group. If like me, you will develop some strong bonds and see how many go through the same emotions and experiences based on length of sobriety. Will let you know you are not alone by any stretch.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 57
Thanks herra, change, tony, alynn.
Fandy , good idea - taking the selfies (shudders, yikes)!
Jdooner - thanks for the tip. I'm in class of September group guess that's similar?
I am overcome with gratitude to all of you, and whoever invented this site!
Fandy , good idea - taking the selfies (shudders, yikes)!
Jdooner - thanks for the tip. I'm in class of September group guess that's similar?
I am overcome with gratitude to all of you, and whoever invented this site!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: North of the border
Posts: 125
Welcome!
Your son's life will also benefit so much from your sobriety.
Children feed of our energy and we feed of theirs if we allow ourselves to be present.
All the best and thank you for sharing.
Your son's life will also benefit so much from your sobriety.
Children feed of our energy and we feed of theirs if we allow ourselves to be present.
All the best and thank you for sharing.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Hawaii
Posts: 38
Hi Tara-
Good peeps here...keep posting. You find a lot of times when you need that wine all it takes is to come here and hopefully you will read a post from someone exactly in your same position that makes you say "no".
I have 7 yr old and sadly when it rains it takes the pressure off to do something like go to the beach and that's her fave thing to do.
Pre-parenthood I was super active and I played out all these scenarios. How my kid and I would be the next Jordan or Tiger or Gabby R or Steffi Graf or Mia Hamm etc. but alcohol got on the way.
Signed,
You are not alone
Good peeps here...keep posting. You find a lot of times when you need that wine all it takes is to come here and hopefully you will read a post from someone exactly in your same position that makes you say "no".
I have 7 yr old and sadly when it rains it takes the pressure off to do something like go to the beach and that's her fave thing to do.
Pre-parenthood I was super active and I played out all these scenarios. How my kid and I would be the next Jordan or Tiger or Gabby R or Steffi Graf or Mia Hamm etc. but alcohol got on the way.
Signed,
You are not alone
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,534
Welcome Tara! I am really glad you are here. I can relate to so much of what you posted and I want you to know you are not alone!
I especially understand not broadcasting your decision but just living it. I did the same and it worked for me, but I had to be careful to not let my silence become an escape route; I couldn't allow not letting people know I was sober become an excuse to drink. However you want to let people know your decision is your right and privilege.
Good luck, Tara. You are a smart woman, I can tell. And I can also tell you are motivated. You can do this!
I especially understand not broadcasting your decision but just living it. I did the same and it worked for me, but I had to be careful to not let my silence become an escape route; I couldn't allow not letting people know I was sober become an excuse to drink. However you want to let people know your decision is your right and privilege.
Good luck, Tara. You are a smart woman, I can tell. And I can also tell you are motivated. You can do this!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 57
Hi got Grace. I understand exactly what you are saying about not letting people know and it being an escape route, because I've heard that from my AV. Its different this time. If I remove that fear of being "known" from my equation then I have no more excuse. But yes, careful, careful.
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