Pretend3r

So, I have noticed that I take a lot of crap from people around me, even invite them to take advantage of me - my subconscious tells me that I deserve to be treated that way because I drink (I'm no better than they are). Not drinking makes it harder to ignore and I'm aggravated at my sister who has lived with me for a combined total of over 2 years, rent free. She hasn't offered me even a $20, and I don't say anything. This time its been since January. She has a job. I came home and she's parked in "my spot" in front of my townhouse and I have groceries to unload. I've considered asking for money toward bills but the uncomfortable conversation keeps me from talking. Instead I just hold resentment inside. She's 30. She doesn't make much money but she does go out regularly, even buys craft supplies to make leather accessories which I know costs. No vacuuming, not even once, no dusting, no bathroom cleaning, she will clean her own dishes but that's about it. She buys her own food. I could go on but, its obvious this is my fault. I'm my mother, who walked on eggshells around my (alc) dad and she was a doormat. At the same time, I have no issue telling my ex to go away, but for years it was me walking on eggshells and keeping my mouth shut while he took advantage. What is this? Is it family "sickness" or what? I am unable to get to a healthy middle ground in relationships its one extreme or the other. Professional relationships are fine, friendships are fine - family and intimate relationships are an issue.

Dee74

It's never too late to change pretend3r

I don't like conflict but I don't like resentment either
I think maybe it's time to have a talk to your Sis

Here are some good ideas and concepts about what assertiveness is

Assertiveness | Better Health Channel

5 Tips to Increase Your Assertiveness | Psych Central - Part 2

http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/b...assertive?Open

D

JasonNorth

You need a "grown-up" chat with her. Firstly about the household jobs then discussing her longer term plans. if it's to stay there (assuming that's OK with you), then she has to pay her way.

it's just fair & you are not helping yourself by saying nothing & allowing it to continue.

good luck

Thepatman

I was in relationship and did the "doormat" for a year and a half. Payed for everything, cooked etc etc.

I am now at a point in my life that my tolerance for abuse is 0.

I can be a sweet person and help people but as soon as I see it's a one way street, I flush the blood sucking maggots. LOL!

Anna

I agree with Pat. I used to be a doormat to some family members, but I stopped that when I began recovery. It was one of the issues that led to my low self-esteem. It was a bit like taking a leap of faith for me because I was not used to setting boundaries and standing up for myself. But, let me tell you, it feels amazing.

Time for a sit-down with your sister where you know, beforehand, what you will accept from her. Those will be your boundaries.

izzy8

Pretend- wow. I so relate. Yes, it sounds like a "boundaries" issue- and those really do raise their head the most w family, from what I understand. I do hope that sobriety only helps with you in gaining the tools to face the problem, head on. There are nice ways to say, "enough!" .

ANewDayNYC

You are as worthy as anyone else- you have every reason to feel good about yourself

doureallycare2

My therapist just asked me this week why I think I can be strong in every part of my life except relationships?

I thought about it and couldn't come up with and answer. He said do you think you'll get rejected, hated? Do you live to be needed? Yes.... To all of that....

What is the worst that can happen to you if you have a talk with your sister? Will she move out? Not talk to you any more? Think about it... And maybe pick one thing you can ask her to do. Example: this week I need your help cleaning. Next month I need this amount of $ to help with rent.

I feel for you I really do.. For I walk in your shoes

least

Have a firm talk with sis. Tell her it's "pay to play" and she has to hold up her end of the bargain. There is no 'free lunch'.

Pretend3r

Thanks for the links Dee, I read them. I already know the problem is my behavior. I agree with all of you that I need to talk to her. Doyoureallycare, its true that I'm afraid of the conversation. If I communicate what I really want, which is for her to go get a room of her own elsewhere, then that would make me a "bad person". Funny thing is, no one would say that, I would label myself that. If I let it get unmanageable, like I did with my ex, then I had so many reasons to ditch him and HE is the bad person. Of course, in order to get to the point where I left him I put up with verbal abuse, manipulation, lies upon lies - just unbelievable lies, cheating, he quit and got fired from jobs and left me to pay finances numerous times...I put up with all that because if I left I would be a bad person. Wow. I think I'm having a breakthrough here. How sad for all of us. Im sad for myself, I am angry inside. Enabling others is destructive to yourself. Now I just need to change my pattern...I'm still scared.

JaylaaKent

Fear stinks - but we alcoholics/addicts tend to have an unusual way of blowing potential outcomes of scenarios into more than what they really can be. Confronting your sister will be the hardest thing you've done in a while. What's the worse case scenario? Just be prepared for that to happen, and are you willing to accept it? We are not helping others by not letting them experience consequences for their actions, and our spirits get sick and downtrodden by our battered self esteem, fear, and shame we project onto the perpetrator. Or better yet, their lack of feeling ashamed for their actions can be just as detrimental to us. Your sister is not suffering any of the consequences of her actions (not being an adult) - and you seem to be in the position to stop her. People will endure and suffer a long time rather than confront someone who is over-stepping boundaries, thinking they are sacrificing for the better good. You're not - you're enabling her and interfering with her growing by learning consequences from her behavior. On the flip side your spiritual and mental health is suffering with the day-to-day resentments, and decreasing self-esteem caused by her behavior. I hope you can get the courage to resolve your situation with compassion.

Pretend3r

Definitely going to sleep on it a couple of days. Maybe have a talk with her around the 15th, just that she should expect to have me ask for contributions towards bills around the first of each month moving forward (would give her two weeks to think on it). I will explain that the original plan was to be out by April/May and since that doesn't seem to be possible for her even now then i prefer to treat the current situation like we were roommates and each contribute toward chores and utilities. I won't ask for rent. She stays on the couch so, I wouldn't want to burden her with that. I think the result will be she will start looking for a place and ask me to extend my graciousness until she does so. I will agree to that if she can be out in a month before it gets cold! Ugh I dread it but I need to learn to be happy and this is part of it. She is like a boomerang I tell ya!

Dee74

I don't think anyone's blaming you - I certainly wasn't
Freeloading relatives are certainly not your fault...

I had a lot of reasons for my lack of assertiveness - the way I was raised and the things people told me I was, wanting people to like me, terror of conflict, and feare of my own anger...

All of those things were with me a long time, and untying those knots took a while.

I think the start small suggestion in one of those links is great.

Think about ways to nicely ask her for a reasonable contribution to expenses and utilities, as you've suggested

D