I lied and now I'm regretting it
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,869
I lied and now I'm regretting it
Hello all:
Long story short: Last night I had a mandatory class for my daughter's school. On my way I got a flat tire. I couldn't miss the class and I was only about a mile and a half away so I started walking. I walked for a little bit and ended up accepting a ride from a stranger (the road was horrible, no side walk, 2 lane and everytimje a car came I had to jump in the ditch, it was that or get run-over). Made it to the class, got a ride back, called AAA, everything ended up working out not as bad as I thought...
Here is the thing: I lied to my husband and told him a friend had seen me and picked me up. The friend I mentioned was actually at the meeting... I lied! He would KILL me if he knew I let a stranger pick me up. My sobriety has been based on honesty. I came clean about a LOT of heavy things to from my past to my hubby, it felt like a relief. But now I am feeling remorseful because I did lie and it just camke out so easily, for some reason I also thought about booze because I felt deviant. Thoughts???
Long story short: Last night I had a mandatory class for my daughter's school. On my way I got a flat tire. I couldn't miss the class and I was only about a mile and a half away so I started walking. I walked for a little bit and ended up accepting a ride from a stranger (the road was horrible, no side walk, 2 lane and everytimje a car came I had to jump in the ditch, it was that or get run-over). Made it to the class, got a ride back, called AAA, everything ended up working out not as bad as I thought...
Here is the thing: I lied to my husband and told him a friend had seen me and picked me up. The friend I mentioned was actually at the meeting... I lied! He would KILL me if he knew I let a stranger pick me up. My sobriety has been based on honesty. I came clean about a LOT of heavy things to from my past to my hubby, it felt like a relief. But now I am feeling remorseful because I did lie and it just camke out so easily, for some reason I also thought about booze because I felt deviant. Thoughts???
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 16
I know that struggle. When I'm home my family and friends know I don't drink and it holds me to account. I travel a lot for work though and my coworkers tend to be younger people for whom drinking may not disrupt their lives. I've found many times where I had to lie to people at home. It's a huge issue that would really damage my marriage.
I don't have an answer for you though as in my case as well drinking is such a stupid thing to risk my marriage over. it's why I joined a couple days ago to finally cut ties with drunk me... Best of luck and i hope you get some clarity.
I don't have an answer for you though as in my case as well drinking is such a stupid thing to risk my marriage over. it's why I joined a couple days ago to finally cut ties with drunk me... Best of luck and i hope you get some clarity.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 126
Why not wait a week to tell him, if you feel you must. Things like that always seem not so severe if they are removed by time to some extent.
A truism: If you tell the truth you will never have to remember what you said.
A truism: If you tell the truth you will never have to remember what you said.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
This is a tuff one
Sometimes rather than carry the guilt
Best to fess up
But then again
If my wife told me a stranger gave her a ride
I would be very upset
We worry about our Ladies
Sorry that you are stuck in the middle
MM
Sometimes rather than carry the guilt
Best to fess up
But then again
If my wife told me a stranger gave her a ride
I would be very upset
We worry about our Ladies
Sorry that you are stuck in the middle
MM
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Ya know...my thought is..well, sobriety is very much about doing the hard things you know?
Facing things...having the uncomfortable conversations we would rather not.
No longer hiding...be real.
Being accepted as we are.
I certainly cannot tell you what to do. Look in your heart. It will tell you.
Facing things...having the uncomfortable conversations we would rather not.
No longer hiding...be real.
Being accepted as we are.
I certainly cannot tell you what to do. Look in your heart. It will tell you.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: CA.....Hometown : Sioux Falls
Posts: 2,624
Ask yourself...what's the worst thing that will happen if I tell him? Can you deal with that? Let your conscience be your guide..an oldie but goodie.
I'm glad you're safe. There are worst places to end up beside jumping into a ditch.
I'm glad you're safe. There are worst places to end up beside jumping into a ditch.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
My experience is that sobriety is linked inextricably to honesty.
Of course it will worry him, & possibly anger him. Oh well. He's q grown man, likely strong enough to process some worry and anger. If you can't stay sober, he'll have an awful lot of those emotions to process, anyway...
When I've told a lie, I fix it as soon as I can. I would just say something simple & direct to the tune of: "hey, babe. The other night when I got that flat, I panicked and hitched a ride with a stranger. I felt so foolish for doing something dangerous that I lied about it. I don't want lies between us, because I love you. I'm sure you're angry & it worries you because you live me. I am so sorry."
That's your part. It is his part to work through it & forgive.
This is your early recovery. You are building a new you. You will make many mistakes, but it is the integrity with which you approach those mistakes which will strengthen you & define who you become...
Good luck! Fixing things is scary!! That's why we avoid it!!
Of course it will worry him, & possibly anger him. Oh well. He's q grown man, likely strong enough to process some worry and anger. If you can't stay sober, he'll have an awful lot of those emotions to process, anyway...
When I've told a lie, I fix it as soon as I can. I would just say something simple & direct to the tune of: "hey, babe. The other night when I got that flat, I panicked and hitched a ride with a stranger. I felt so foolish for doing something dangerous that I lied about it. I don't want lies between us, because I love you. I'm sure you're angry & it worries you because you live me. I am so sorry."
That's your part. It is his part to work through it & forgive.
This is your early recovery. You are building a new you. You will make many mistakes, but it is the integrity with which you approach those mistakes which will strengthen you & define who you become...
Good luck! Fixing things is scary!! That's why we avoid it!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 621
Hi nowsthetime - I totally relate - I lied so easily when I drank. I am an honest person sober and I really value that. It sounds like you really value honesty too? If it were me I'd fess up and be prepared for my hubby to be angry at me initially.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
That is a tough one for sure, there are plusses and minuses to each side. If it were me I'd rather deal with the anger than live with the lie inside of me.
There is a saying in Italian that I just adore:
male non fare, paura non avere
The meaning of which is: don't do anything wrong and you will never have to be afraid.
You have already done wrong by lying, if you now told the truth you can wipe that clean and move forward. It won't be easy, you will need to be brave but you probably will feel better. Remember, your lie, in the grand scheme of things, is relatively small. He might be angry because he loves and worries about you, but there are a lot worse things you could lie about.
There is a saying in Italian that I just adore:
male non fare, paura non avere
The meaning of which is: don't do anything wrong and you will never have to be afraid.
You have already done wrong by lying, if you now told the truth you can wipe that clean and move forward. It won't be easy, you will need to be brave but you probably will feel better. Remember, your lie, in the grand scheme of things, is relatively small. He might be angry because he loves and worries about you, but there are a lot worse things you could lie about.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,869
Thanks for all responses. I guess I'm going to think about it at first but it is going to eat at me. I've worked so hard these almost 6 months to rebuild trust and I don't want to see it all gone because of this one incident. I should have known better I shouldn't have lied since the beginning but I just know the rate what the reaction was going to be. I should just have dealt with now I am in a bind. The funny thing is it made me think about booze because I felt sneaky. I never intended to actually drinking but I did think about it. I do not want to drink again! What is going to be the worst is that lie came out so easily. I'm annoyed and angry at myself. I've been trying to have uncomfortable conversations but now that it seems that it would be uncomfortable for me I cowarded out. Aaaaarggghhhhh!!!
Thanks for the advice my friends. I appreciate all the input. Just disappointed at myself. On a good note: 6 months on the 16th, but still easily lying even if it was one time...
Thanks for the advice my friends. I appreciate all the input. Just disappointed at myself. On a good note: 6 months on the 16th, but still easily lying even if it was one time...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 126
Don't beat yourself up so bad. It is not some deceitful, viscous lie. It was more like when a wife asks her husband if a certain dress makes a certain body part of hers look big. He may not exactly be honest in his answer, but no real harm done other that the total truth was not told.
One thing, if you decide not to tell, make sure your friend that gave you the ride knows the situation.
Congratulations on your 6 months. Just GREAT. Don't let this incident take away from your tremendous success.
One thing, if you decide not to tell, make sure your friend that gave you the ride knows the situation.
Congratulations on your 6 months. Just GREAT. Don't let this incident take away from your tremendous success.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
I don't think this is a "tough one" at all.
“Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.”
Shame and guilt come from these sorts of things. What may seem "small" is simply added to the pile. And quietly, gradually, these things undermine our own integrity and self-worth.
You lied and it is already bothering you, and for good reason.
You now have a choice; bury that lie along with all the others you still carry.... or free yourself of the burden of this one and tell the truth.
Maybe it will cause discord at home. That is the consequence of your choice to have lied. But it will be far more freeing for you to work through that discord than to carry it forth.
Also - it will do more for your relationship in the long run to face the conflict than to avoid it. Avoidance and secrets and lies are relationship killers.
I won't give you advice... the choice is yours.
I know what I'd do.
“Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.”
Shame and guilt come from these sorts of things. What may seem "small" is simply added to the pile. And quietly, gradually, these things undermine our own integrity and self-worth.
You lied and it is already bothering you, and for good reason.
You now have a choice; bury that lie along with all the others you still carry.... or free yourself of the burden of this one and tell the truth.
Maybe it will cause discord at home. That is the consequence of your choice to have lied. But it will be far more freeing for you to work through that discord than to carry it forth.
Also - it will do more for your relationship in the long run to face the conflict than to avoid it. Avoidance and secrets and lies are relationship killers.
I won't give you advice... the choice is yours.
I know what I'd do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,869
She's someone from work that he will never interact with so that's not a worry. I would not want to get someone involved. Im not sure yet but he will be so mad and hurt and doubtful of me. I just don't want to deal with it. Things have been going great and that seems like a set back. But I did it so... Not sure. I'm not going to consume myself with it. We are going to our property camping with friends this weekend and the weather is perfect. Took the day off work. I feel happy and excited about the weekend. Lots of drinking, but not for me 
we'll see how some of the people there react to it. I haven't seen some of them in a while...
we'll see how some of the people there react to it. I haven't seen some of them in a while...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
You've gotten really good advice here.
I want to add - please don't accept a ride from anyone you don't know. I have two personal stories about this that would change your mind forever about getting in any car with anyone who offers you a ride.
Please think about why you would risk your life doing such a thing. The walk would have taken 15 minutes versus your life.
The people who stop and offer rides are often patrolling for victims - trust me on this.
I want to add - please don't accept a ride from anyone you don't know. I have two personal stories about this that would change your mind forever about getting in any car with anyone who offers you a ride.
Please think about why you would risk your life doing such a thing. The walk would have taken 15 minutes versus your life.
The people who stop and offer rides are often patrolling for victims - trust me on this.
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