What the hell do i wanna do with my life??
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
What the hell do i wanna do with my life??
I wonder how many of us with addiction issues share the common trait of this question....
How many of us have a lack of clear goals.... a thousand maybe's and no 'for sure's'?
How many of us perhaps have the influence of indifference working it's currents into our addictive tendencies?
Was it there all along? Did the addictive 'medicating' create or worsen it?
How many of us wake up most mornings pretty sure that this isn't "IT".... but with little clue just what in the hell "IT" is???
anyone else?
How many of us have a lack of clear goals.... a thousand maybe's and no 'for sure's'?
How many of us perhaps have the influence of indifference working it's currents into our addictive tendencies?
Was it there all along? Did the addictive 'medicating' create or worsen it?
How many of us wake up most mornings pretty sure that this isn't "IT".... but with little clue just what in the hell "IT" is???
anyone else?
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Hmm, well, I grew up with the intention of 'not being like my mother'. Sadly, I had no direction other than that, so in fact, I did end up very much like my mother. I realized much later that growing up in a 'war zone' prevented me from dealing with much other than daily survival.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Existential angst? 
*raises hand...both hands*
I have always been interested in everything but unable to make a choice as far as a career. Somehow I've always had my needs met, so far so good - but if I had made education choices or had children when I was in my twenties, instead of skydiving and other mind-altering things - things would have been different. Not sure I regret those days, though. It was fun. I am who I am and I don't feel a need to apologize for it any more. The guilt lessens when your parents are gone and can't lower the hammer of judgment any more, too.
*raises hand...both hands*
I have always been interested in everything but unable to make a choice as far as a career. Somehow I've always had my needs met, so far so good - but if I had made education choices or had children when I was in my twenties, instead of skydiving and other mind-altering things - things would have been different. Not sure I regret those days, though. It was fun. I am who I am and I don't feel a need to apologize for it any more. The guilt lessens when your parents are gone and can't lower the hammer of judgment any more, too.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
You nailed it for me FreeOwl. I have felt unfulfilled for a very long time. After college, I got a great job in finance that paid well and offered all the opportunity in the world. I was miserable though and I drank to escape the monotony and boredom I felt with life.
I drank myself out of that career after 6 years. Just resigned one day instead of getting fired. My performance reviews were terrible and I was drinking at lunch breaks by this point. The root of it all was this feeling of not belonging and not knowing who the f*** I was.
I am sober now and still trying to find my way but I am hopeful that I will find my calling.
I drank myself out of that career after 6 years. Just resigned one day instead of getting fired. My performance reviews were terrible and I was drinking at lunch breaks by this point. The root of it all was this feeling of not belonging and not knowing who the f*** I was.
I am sober now and still trying to find my way but I am hopeful that I will find my calling.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: AL
Posts: 22
For me, alcohol was my career. Oh, I worked at jobs, but now I know I was barely functioning. Drinking tricked me into thinking, "tomorrow, I will do a, b, c...". That magical day, tomorrow, when I would start focusing and accomplish all my ideas.
As for the question "Was it there all along?" I don't know. 24 days sober and I'm wondering exactly when I started down the path to alcoholism. Like many others, I had a tough childhood, with an extremely dysfunctional family, abuse, neglect, and mental illness in the family, and, of course, the whole family was in denial. I was ready to escape/medicate early on. I have had therapy-a long time ago-to try to deal with all that. I thought I had come to terms with it-I didn't know I might need to re-visit it at age 56!
Anyway, I am grateful I have a chance to heal and grow, even though it's late. I'm a late bloomer!
Thanks for this thread, FreeOwl.
As for the question "Was it there all along?" I don't know. 24 days sober and I'm wondering exactly when I started down the path to alcoholism. Like many others, I had a tough childhood, with an extremely dysfunctional family, abuse, neglect, and mental illness in the family, and, of course, the whole family was in denial. I was ready to escape/medicate early on. I have had therapy-a long time ago-to try to deal with all that. I thought I had come to terms with it-I didn't know I might need to re-visit it at age 56!
Anyway, I am grateful I have a chance to heal and grow, even though it's late. I'm a late bloomer!
Thanks for this thread, FreeOwl.
Marchia in Aeternum
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 11,094
I'm all in with the existential angst question.
I have no children, no spouse, no nothing. I have only health to stop drinking for. I don't want to die from alcohol. I don't want to die before my parents. That would be be so rude.
But, a lot of days, I just couldn't care less. Take me now, Jesus.
I have no children, no spouse, no nothing. I have only health to stop drinking for. I don't want to die from alcohol. I don't want to die before my parents. That would be be so rude.
But, a lot of days, I just couldn't care less. Take me now, Jesus.
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
I put one foot in front of the other and do the next sensible thing .
I have no plans , i have no goal , life is about the journey so i look around for the next interesting thing and value my time accordingly . Sometimes i'd take a lesser paying job if the interest is there .
Sobriety has bought me a measure of financial security and confidence in my abilities , i hardly spend money on anything other than my rented room, the odd computer game and keeping my car running .
With alcohol i let it take away my credit rating and my homes round europe so i am kinda pushed into living simply , it suits me …
Personal life ? i met someone who was just a nice person , he don't have much but he is kind and brings out the best in me .
Work life ? i do interesting stuff (for me) and learn as i earn , I temp nowadays so as not to get stale and i try to leave places with people wishing they could keep me just a bit longer .. ( seems to work for me ) .
I gave up on having any dreams or plans, demanding that the world give me those things .
I'm just happy to see where life takes me , making the best of each day , thats the magic i have found in living my life one day at a time .
Bestwishes, m
I have no plans , i have no goal , life is about the journey so i look around for the next interesting thing and value my time accordingly . Sometimes i'd take a lesser paying job if the interest is there .
Sobriety has bought me a measure of financial security and confidence in my abilities , i hardly spend money on anything other than my rented room, the odd computer game and keeping my car running .
With alcohol i let it take away my credit rating and my homes round europe so i am kinda pushed into living simply , it suits me …
Personal life ? i met someone who was just a nice person , he don't have much but he is kind and brings out the best in me .
Work life ? i do interesting stuff (for me) and learn as i earn , I temp nowadays so as not to get stale and i try to leave places with people wishing they could keep me just a bit longer .. ( seems to work for me ) .
I gave up on having any dreams or plans, demanding that the world give me those things .
I'm just happy to see where life takes me , making the best of each day , thats the magic i have found in living my life one day at a time .
Bestwishes, m
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
yeah... I feel in a similar place. I am sixteen years into a professional career that pays very well which I really feel is soulless, draining and loathsome.
I recenlty got sort of reinvigorated and fired up to make it all that I can make it... but the past few days I feel drained again. I feel like it will just always be an empty way to spend my limited life.
The things that I feel really passionate about seem to all be things that I can't make much of a living at. And though I don't really feel I need all that much in life to be honest.... I have managed to work myself into a life that feels like it requires the salary just to get by. I make a tidy sum - but still live month to month.
Shifting to something I LOVE would mean making a fraction of what I do now. I wouldn't even be able to afford a mortgage.
I read stories all the time of people who walked away from lucrative careers to "do what they love". I fantasize of living an authentic life of my own design, yet I am confounded as to how anyone does that? How does the child support get paid? The mortgage? The groceries?
I really do think that much of the time and money I've thrown away on getting drunk and high over the past decade and a half is directly connected to the sense of despair that comes along with dragging my way through yet another day of this life I've built where work and career are concerned. All other things in life are actually feeling pretty good these days. Relationships, family, community..... I feel blessed with all of those yet plagued with a certain misery. A weight of doom that seems to be tied with a heavy iron chain to my career and financial commitments.
I recenlty got sort of reinvigorated and fired up to make it all that I can make it... but the past few days I feel drained again. I feel like it will just always be an empty way to spend my limited life.
The things that I feel really passionate about seem to all be things that I can't make much of a living at. And though I don't really feel I need all that much in life to be honest.... I have managed to work myself into a life that feels like it requires the salary just to get by. I make a tidy sum - but still live month to month.
Shifting to something I LOVE would mean making a fraction of what I do now. I wouldn't even be able to afford a mortgage.
I read stories all the time of people who walked away from lucrative careers to "do what they love". I fantasize of living an authentic life of my own design, yet I am confounded as to how anyone does that? How does the child support get paid? The mortgage? The groceries?
I really do think that much of the time and money I've thrown away on getting drunk and high over the past decade and a half is directly connected to the sense of despair that comes along with dragging my way through yet another day of this life I've built where work and career are concerned. All other things in life are actually feeling pretty good these days. Relationships, family, community..... I feel blessed with all of those yet plagued with a certain misery. A weight of doom that seems to be tied with a heavy iron chain to my career and financial commitments.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: AL
Posts: 22
I also want to mention that when I was a child in the 60's, things like mental illness and alcoholism were kind of taboo to even talk about, at least here in the deep south. "Treatment" was, act like everything is ok and it magically will be.
(Insert clip of Billy Crystal impersonating Fernando Lamas: "You LOOK mahvelous, dahling, and I mean that sincerely.").
(Insert clip of Billy Crystal impersonating Fernando Lamas: "You LOOK mahvelous, dahling, and I mean that sincerely.").
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: AL
Posts: 22
FreeOwl, many of the people who walk away from the grind to pursue dreams have a wealthy spouse or patron backing them up.
It sounds like a change of work might help you, but I know that can be complicated, and I know you have thought of that yourself! I went through something similar at work, so I can relate to going to a job that saps all your strength.
It sounds like a change of work might help you, but I know that can be complicated, and I know you have thought of that yourself! I went through something similar at work, so I can relate to going to a job that saps all your strength.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by FreeOwl 
I wonder how many of us with addiction issues share the common trait of this question....
How many of us have a lack of clear goals.... a thousand maybe's and no 'for sure's'?
How many of us perhaps have the influence of indifference working it's currents into our addictive tendencies?
Was it there all along? Did the addictive 'medicating' create or worsen it?
How many of us wake up most mornings pretty sure that this isn't "IT".... but with little clue just what in the hell "IT" is???
anyone else?
How many of us have a lack of clear goals.... a thousand maybe's and no 'for sure's'?
How many of us perhaps have the influence of indifference working it's currents into our addictive tendencies?
Was it there all along? Did the addictive 'medicating' create or worsen it?
How many of us wake up most mornings pretty sure that this isn't "IT".... but with little clue just what in the hell "IT" is???
anyone else?
.I won't mention my age to save myself more embarrassment but it's past due I figured out what I wanted to be when I grew up... I was a mom for a while that didn't pay **** and don't look good on a resume. After they ran ur ass ragged for yrs don't seem fair lmao.
Well I've even hired a therpist hoping she can help me..I ask God may his will be done so I reckon something got to happen soon...RIGHT???
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
So i read from your second post , you might not be happy with the mortgage and the job …
Can you change your mortgage term ? most people in the UK have theirs over 25 years and often the price of a 15 year one is not that much more ? can you downsize or move to a cheaper area ??
16 years in the one career , well what have other people done in your career to move on ? consultancy ? contract ? can you look for alternative income streams ? can you build a part time business around those things you "love" to do ?
Have you spoken with you significant other about these feelings ?
The Buddhists have a saying that even with a small drip a large pot might get filled . So what small things can you do for yourself that might act as the steps which open you up to further possibilities ?
Bestwishes, m
Can you change your mortgage term ? most people in the UK have theirs over 25 years and often the price of a 15 year one is not that much more ? can you downsize or move to a cheaper area ??
16 years in the one career , well what have other people done in your career to move on ? consultancy ? contract ? can you look for alternative income streams ? can you build a part time business around those things you "love" to do ?
Have you spoken with you significant other about these feelings ?
The Buddhists have a saying that even with a small drip a large pot might get filled . So what small things can you do for yourself that might act as the steps which open you up to further possibilities ?
Bestwishes, m
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
yeah... looked at selling the house... would take about a $10k loss and then I'd have to find a place to rent. Rents in the area are similar to the cost of my mortgage.
Could maybe super-downsize for a while... but even then there's the $10k loss I'd have to cover - which would take a loan, since I don't have $10k lying about.
Then there's the child support that I am mandated to pay which was set at my high salary and can't change for some time even if I have no job....
then there's the what other job do I even DO....
I know that one way or another these are all really just excuses. I know that if I were determined, it would all work out and that I am capable of succeeding and creating my own destiny. I know it may be hard for a time, but it would all be OK....
What I guess the biggest catch is - is WHAT?
Simply deciding on what in the hell it IS that I want to do and pursue. So many options... so many uncertainties.
Sometimes I wish I was one of those people who just KNEW at an early age I wanted to be ____________ and pursued that relentlessly and BAM. There ya go.
Instead, I can dream up a hundred... a thousand different possible paths. New thoughts of what-if flicker by every day.
WHICH ONE????
Could maybe super-downsize for a while... but even then there's the $10k loss I'd have to cover - which would take a loan, since I don't have $10k lying about.
Then there's the child support that I am mandated to pay which was set at my high salary and can't change for some time even if I have no job....
then there's the what other job do I even DO....
I know that one way or another these are all really just excuses. I know that if I were determined, it would all work out and that I am capable of succeeding and creating my own destiny. I know it may be hard for a time, but it would all be OK....
What I guess the biggest catch is - is WHAT?
Simply deciding on what in the hell it IS that I want to do and pursue. So many options... so many uncertainties.
Sometimes I wish I was one of those people who just KNEW at an early age I wanted to be ____________ and pursued that relentlessly and BAM. There ya go.
Instead, I can dream up a hundred... a thousand different possible paths. New thoughts of what-if flicker by every day.
WHICH ONE????
Marchia in Aeternum
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 11,094
The problem is that you know you don't have those options anymore. You've screwed the pooch and blown the seal. You like to think you have all those options.
Let's get real. If you had all those options you wouldn't be asking these questions.
Let's get real. If you had all those options you wouldn't be asking these questions.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
We're planning to change out our carpet for wood floors, paint, fix up the house and rent our mortgaged house to have it pay for itself, while adding more to the principal to get the thing paid off in 5-10 years max. In order to live the life we want and enjoy, we're going to build a cabin half the size of our house on some land, with TREES, lots of trees, and perhaps near some water. At the moment, I am working on securing a part-time job in order to make these household changes and repairs. We are at the beginning of our "dream" and it feels quite far away, so I understand the feeling of... will I ever get there?? I believe we'll get there because we have a specific goal, with some timetables set, and we're taking the baby steps to get there.
A thing I do each morning is write out my three MIT's for the day. That is, "most important tasks"... and I only write 3! No more, no matter how tempted. I try and focus on those 3, always keeping my list at hand (paper, computer, smartphone synced).
A thing I do each morning is write out my three MIT's for the day. That is, "most important tasks"... and I only write 3! No more, no matter how tempted. I try and focus on those 3, always keeping my list at hand (paper, computer, smartphone synced).
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Originally Posted by FreeOwl
I wonder how many of us with addiction issues share the common trait of this question....
How many of us have a lack of clear goals.... a thousand maybe's and no 'for sure's'?
How many of us perhaps have the influence of indifference working it's currents into our addictive tendencies?
Was it there all along? Did the addictive 'medicating' create or worsen it?
How many of us wake up most mornings pretty sure that this isn't "IT".... but with little clue just what in the hell "IT" is???
anyone else?
How many of us have a lack of clear goals.... a thousand maybe's and no 'for sure's'?
How many of us perhaps have the influence of indifference working it's currents into our addictive tendencies?
Was it there all along? Did the addictive 'medicating' create or worsen it?
How many of us wake up most mornings pretty sure that this isn't "IT".... but with little clue just what in the hell "IT" is???
anyone else?
Over and above sobriety I try to help others, my career, repair damage from the past, and strengthen my spirituality
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by trachemys
The problem is that you know you don't have those options anymore. You've screwed the pooch and blown the seal. You like to think you have all those options.
Let's get real. If you had all those options you wouldn't be asking these questions.
Let's get real. If you had all those options you wouldn't be asking these questions.
our options are only limited by our acceptance of the consequences to pursue them.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by SoberJennie
We're planning to change out our carpet for wood floors, paint, fix up the house and rent our mortgaged house to have it pay for itself, while adding more to the principal to get the thing paid off in 5-10 years max. In order to live the life we want and enjoy, we're going to build a cabin half the size of our house on some land, with TREES, lots of trees, and perhaps near some water. At the moment, I am working on securing a part-time job in order to make these household changes and repairs. We are at the beginning of our "dream" and it feels quite far away, so I understand the feeling of... will I ever get there?? I believe we'll get there because we have a specific goal, with some timetables set, and we're taking the baby steps to get there.
Marchia in Aeternum
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 11,094
Originally Posted by FreeOwl
Interesting perspective...
our options are only limited by our acceptance of the consequences to pursue them.
our options are only limited by our acceptance of the consequences to pursue them.
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