LBrain

I've heard it recommended that one should wait a year before making any major decisions when first getting sober. I imagine this is so one can focus entirely on sobriety. Getting a solid foundation of sobriety, discovering the 'new' you and being comfortable with yourself should be the early goals. Hence spending a good year to focus entirely on sobriety is recommended.
Considering my past years of drinking and wondering how much different I would be if alcohol did not dictate my life's decisions and alter my path, I kind of embraced this idea.

I have retreated from life just a bit. I didn't hurry up to find a job - I'm fortunate that I can survive for a short period before I need one. All I am doing is focusing on staying sober, learning how to live with little money (adapting) and learning about who I really am.

I am also using this "down time" to take care of the many things I neglected over the years. YEARS! And I'm starting to work on correcting/fixing those things. Mainly making my space orderly and in good repair. And I am "finding" myself, learning how to deal with people and life in general.

I looked into getting an MBA, going to school for an advanced degree and also just kicking back and take a menial job with no complications, guide at national park etc. I've kicked around the idea of getting a mandolin and becoming a virtuoso - . Or finding a group of musicians and start a band. Taking time off and traveling - hiking the AT. If I was single, the house would be gone, the winnebago would be towing my jeep around the country. But I have another life to consider.

My life was turned upside down on the loss of a job and income at the same time as quitting alcohol for good. I was battling more than one thing. Fortunately for me my wife doesn't drink and stood by me every step of the way. She is my greatest asset.

Does anyone have any thoughts about 'waiting a year' or so? Or how long you took time for yourself only? How have you felt after a year? I know at six months I wasn't ready to do anything. I was still wishy-washy about a lot of things. But I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm still not ready to up and move. Or jump into a high stress job again. Too many complications with spouse finishing school etc.

Anyway, I rambled enough. Thoughts?

trachemys

Sure, I have thoughts. I am in near desperation right now as I have lost my last two job because of my drinking, and have exhausted my unemployment. Wait a year? Where? Anyone know a free, full support rehab? I have no wife, no immediate family that can support me. I have no place to store all my stuff. My best future involves a backpack, a tent, and two changes of clothes. Thank God I have all that!

Any more questions?

Dee74

It's a good guideline but I doubt few of us can remain in stasis for a year.

I think guideline is good for elective changes...there are others we can't really do anything but go along with...

I found a partner and moved house to a new city all in my first year.

In the case of the house, it wasn't my house and it was demolished, so it was move or be homeless lol...

in the case of my partner, I'm not sure I was entirely ready or fully formed as sober me, but we rode the storms out...and both worked out ok for me.

D

Altoids

Oooooo. . . . I love the Winnebago idea. My hubby would jump on board with that one, too. BUT. . .we own 2 houses and not in a place where we can sell either, so being nomads will have to wait.

LB - I've followed your posts on all the work you are doing around your home. I absolutely love that. There is much to do here, too, but much of what needs to be done is beyond my ability. I do the things I can, though.

My husband is like this. Without him, God knows where I'd be.

DoubleDragons

I think there is wisdom in not making any decisions that you don't have to make. The first year is a very emotionally charged time and learning to live life soberly is very time consuming. However, a lot of life happens in a year and certain decisions and situations just have to be dealt with. I think the key is not to seek "extra drama" which we alcoholics seem so good at doing.

bigsombrero

I was a lot like you guys - I was out of a job after getting sober, exhausted unemployment, but also pretty shaky on my feet and not ready to take on a big new job, etc. Sitting in a situation like that and being told to "wait a year" only added to the frustration!

I think the saying is meant to get someone to think twice before doing anything really dramatic/drastic. For example, there are lots of people who have been sober 1 week and all of a sudden they think it's a good idea to jump on the first flight out of town and join a circus in Bulgaria. Probably the "wait a year" thing is good for people like that.

We hear tons of conflicting advice in recovery. "You must make major changes to your life" and "Change your routine" are common sayings early on. But we also hear "wait a year" and "stay close to home" just as often.

Those of us living in the USA, Australia, Japan, the UK - we come from a "doing culture". We are hard wired to plan for the future and constantly worry about what's going to happen down the road. I think it would serve many of us well to try and experiment with the "being cultures" of Latin America and the Nordic regions. Just try and enjoy what's in front of you for a while. Slow down the pace. You have a hot meal and a roof over your head today, try and enjoy that instead of fretting about Doomsday.

In the end, I think we all have to just try and relax and let the reprogramming settle in. I think we can also substitute "Have patience and relax" for "Wait a year". Try not to rush yourself, and slow things down in your head. All the best, LB!

Aellyce

It's a general guideline, in my opinion much like other generalized suggestions for other mental or physical maladies. It's not individualized medicine - we all need to find what works best for us, plus take the challenges or opportunities that come our way. Like pointed out with several examples here, we don't always have the choice and life happens.

This guideline is also controversial in the context of the other common and general suggestion regarding recovery: that in order for it to be successful, we need to make plenty of changes; many people say we need to change just about everything in our lives. It's very often discussed that without such changes, sobriety is merely abstinence and not recovery. At the same time, the idea behind the "one year" recommendation, the way I see it, is to avoid getting into far too big challenges and stresses that might destabilize us (even more) emotionally and compromise our sobriety. I think the idea is to introduce constructive changes and start small, while minimizing potentially destructive acts and conditions. Again, if we do have the practical choice!

So, how to reconcile these two sides of the issue? This is where it all boils down to evaluating our individual situations and trying to make as best judgments as possible, in the context of being honest with ourselves, especially regarding situations and challenges that we do have the freedom to influence.

I think putting life on hold for a year can be just as harmful as making irresponsible and impulsive decisions. Like in many things in life, probably a Middle Way is the way to go here.

Soberpotamus

I tossed around the ideas of divorcing my husband, advanced degrees, and just leaving it all and going on the road or hopping a plane Not kidding either. Glad I "paused" for a while Those would've been hasty and bad decisions.

One of the greatest lessons learned my first year was sitting still. Just "being" me. And learning to accept myself. I needed to quiet my mind. Running away and escaping (to another country or inside a bottle) is no longer an option.

Weasel1966

LB... Waiting a year is an AA mantra. There are many mantras that make sense when applied generically. This is not one of them.

Inaction in our first year to resolve the fall out of our drunkin actions will only serve to keep us drunk. If I really want to move forward in my sobriety I need to be very active in solving those immediate needs. I agree with others that the "fluffier" choices can be postponed.

I moved states, got a new job and ditched people from my life that don't fit my new definition of friend. I have no family to speak of so that burden was not something I needed to deal with.

I admire your focus and determination to get your stuff together. All my best to you my friend! You seem to be on the right path.

Ken

Soberwolf

i was told to wait a year but tbh it was driving me bonkers i was reading living life meetings service

just wanted more although i was careful as a few warned me against it

even more so on my 2 courses (just in case i failed) (i didnt lol)

i think its necessary to have a rest period that time is up to you but i was doing my courses at around 5 months before that just meetings lots of reading all diffrent stuff

didnt know of this place existed

i am going on another course in weeks

still havnt worked fully yet but boy am i geared up to go seriously cant wait to get my first sober paycheck

going to frame it as for me that is my resurection sober and working

good thread

desypete

the way i see the wait for a year thing is this

when i came in i was so mixed up emotionally bitter and angry at the world, i hardly think a year is long enough for these things to clear up

anyway after a short period of time i started to dream about meeting a women and falling in love and she can take care of me
i wasn't even divorced yet !!! the old timers suggested its not a good idea and i thought they were cheeky interfering busy bodys who didnt want me to have a good time
whats wrong with them ? i knew what was best for me didnt i ?

did i hell know what was best for me i was crazy and full of reactions to everything it took me a lot longer than a year to start making ground and get honest
it took a lot of pain and failed attempts at being mr perfect in any relationship i thought would be good for me

they told me it would take a year to dry up, 2 years to sober up, and the rest of my life to grow up
i believe that to be true about me

anyone who can do it all in a year i take my hat off to them for me its a life long trek

LBrain

good discussion, I just thought it was an interesting topic.

I'm in a good place. waiting for me to find a job has more to do with my spouse's situation. But I am taking advantage of my time lately. A few months ago I was still on auto pilot.
anyway, I had to run to the grocery store. I ran into my old manager from work. first contact I had with someone from there since... A nice conversation. He said he was more than glad to recommend me any job I applied for work. So that's good, a high level manager willing to give me my due.
Have a good day.

bigsombrero

Yeah it really is a good topic LBrain, something I'm certainly interested in. I think that for many of us, the only thing that provides clarity on this issue is hindsight. If I could only reach back out to my 6-month sober self right now and tell him to stop fretting so much, I would do so. I made lots of major moves/changes etc early on - in my case, I tend to learn best by trial and error anyway and so for me, that was the only way to get to where I needed to be. Try. Fall down. Try again. Fall down again. Try again. Walk a few steps. I think that's how many of us approach life and that also applies to life decisions in our newfound sobriety as well.

nmd

I remember getting similar advice going through my divorce.

Things ended pretty quickly when I discovered long term infidelity on my ex-wifes part. There were a lot of problems though and getting sober and waiting a year wouldn't have fixed anything. My ex wife and I were heavy drinkers., but this wasn't an affair that happened in a black out. She made a choice to stray and ultimately she wanted to end the marriage. Similar to healing in sobriety, I needed to get out of a sick relationship in order to heal as a person, stop the passive/aggressive games and learn how we could function as parents together. Was I in a good place emotionally to make life decisions? No, I was a complete wreck, but divorce was damage control for me, so it happened fast.

Similarly, I ended up meeting someone who I am in a relationship with only 5 months after moving into my own place and 11 months after my marriage had ended. (My ex and I lived together about 5 months while separating until there was a legal child custody agreement.) In some sense, it would have been good to have more time to "just be myself" and not have the pressures of a relationship. I also think the wisdom of giving yourself time before making big decisions doesn't mean you have to miss out on life. Life will happen and you can't control when things happen, what order they happen in or when people enter or leave your life. People will die, people you love may do sh*tty things, people will enter your life when you least expect it. You can't control those things. I think as long as you are honest about where you are emotionally and make decisions carefully, change is just part of life.

DoubleDragons

I love this thread - so much good food for thought. I reach my one year of sobriety at the end of this month. A few weeks ago, I was reflecting on that thought and another thought came up that maybe I was able to get and stay sober over the year because it had not been that tough of a year. Then, I started reflecting on my past year. We had to move unexpectedly to a new home with two weeks notice (Mind you, this is a big household of six people and three dogs!), my eldest child applied for colleges, picked a college, got accepted, graduated from high school and left for college, another child was diagnosed with epilepsy, my mother's alcoholism continued to create extended family drama, etc. etc. I think by most people's standards these are pretty big, emotional, stressful life events. What struck me though, in my new sober outlook, my perception was that it had been a relatively easy year. Wow! Thank you, sobriety. Had this been still in my drinking days, I would have treated any and all of these events as major travesties in my life that deserved to be doused with gallons and gallons of red wine . . . .

LBrain

DoubleD - yes, when all is put into perspective we sometimes do not even realize the weight of events occurring in our daily lives. Being able to deal with them in a rational manner is the difference.

GracieLou

I am glad I took the wait a year advice.

I had to learn not to be so impulsive. I learned some patience. I also learned that even when I had thought it through and made a decision that nothing had to be acted on that day. I could take another week, another day, another hour, another minute before I act. That has been a really good lesson for me.

That “I want what I want and I want it now” cycle was hard for me to break. I wanted to be sober now, I wanted a new car now, I wanted a different position at work now, I wanted to clean my house and do repairs now, I wanted a relationship now, I wanted a new cat/dog/hamster now. I wanted everything that I had put to the side because I drank and I wanted it now.

As it was, some of these would not have been a good choice to take on at the start of sobriety.

I worked my job and I went to meetings. I did a little household stuff here and there but I made no major changes. I took that time for just me.

I did eventually get a new car. I did do some major household changes and repairs and I did get in a relationship.

I did not get another cat/dog nor a hamster. I have a dog and four cats, what was I thinking?
I did not change positions at work. I like my current position, the hours are perfect for me and I got a raise last review, what was I thinking?

There are more, those were only some examples but now I am glad I waited until I had a clear head. Today, being patient does not bother me even a smidgen of what it used to. I figure if it is suppose to happen, it will, on its own and in its own time.

I am in no rush to jump of the cliff. I fell off of it drunk, I am not willing to jump off sober.

LBrain

Lots of good stuff. Thanks everyone for your input.

BigS, I think I fall into the 'have patience and relax' school. Although I was not really ready to move on not too long ago.

Thepatman

Follow your heart I say.

And if you choose not to decide you still have made a choice.

Thepatman

Couldn't help it dude, big fan of Rush here, freewill my friend freewill

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=yE2WjSmUcRA