herradura

So I went back to my college and grad school (same place), for a huge football weekend that I "had to attend". These guys were from undergrad and we all ran together.

I toyed with the idea of not drinking, and I knew I would drink. I also know this is not a site for "moderation", but rather abstinence. I did however not drink even 1/4 as much as I did two years ago. Driving in from the airplane we stopped for beers and I said no I am good. Not a big deal it was just me and my best friend in the group. Next day we golfed and I had a couple of beers golfing. Then we went to the house and had a party with 40 cases of beer. Again I had a couple, talked a lot, and then it was time to go to the bar.
I opted to stay at the house since the last thing I wanted to do was sweat, drink shots, buy rounds, and stay up until 3:00. I called it a success. I did drink, but I was in control, for a change.
Next day was a 13 hour tail gater where I had a few beers and then went to the game. Game was great. We won, and then we met at the house to go to the bar. I opted out, went to bed and woke up feeling good.

I should not drink anymore, I know that, but I sort of had to do this one more time. I know this is a process, and there are stumbles and falls. I don't feel bad, I feel pretty good about it. I do know, if I continue to drink there will be a "happening" where I will wish I was not drinking. I don't believe in tapering, as I have tried that for years and years. But I am pretty sure, I can give it up now.

Had another buddy call me today for another big game this weekend. I don't "have to go" to this one. So I declined the invitation.

Anyway, we are all in our mid 40's. 2 friends from this group have died in the last 4 years from drinking. Myself and four others are red faced alcoholic, not daily drinkers, all employed or retired, familied, but not once did any talk of getting this monkey off our backs come into the conversation. Odd I think.

One guy, my best friend in the group, was a drunk, but does not drink that often anymore, but chooses to eat himself to death. He will be the next to die before any of us turn 50.

Anyway, I am back on the program to stop drinking. I guess I will be the one who makes the next decision to drink or not drink. I am going to give it hell to not drink anymore. But I cant say I quit, because all it takes is drinking and then the quitting is a lie.

I will get it figured out. One very nice thing from the weekend is I know I am happy I don't have to be around these people often, and was happy to sit all day in an airplane with a clear head, and I did not have 1 minute of beating the hell out of myself for saying something wrong, doing something wrong, or acting wrong because of the drink. There were no excuses and it went well.

Did not go to a bar and order one drink for the first time in 28 years with these guys. No one asked me why, because they don't care.

Life is interesting, and so are people.

Dee74

You still sound a little unsure to me to be honest herradura....

and times like that, where nothing bad happens and you drink like a gentleman, confused me more.

Did I really have to give it up completely? won't there be occasions, like toasts or parties or boys weekends when I can have one or two and avoid the awkward questions?

I had to accept the answer for me was yes I had to give it up completely.

I had no way of knowing where my next drink might take me. It might be 'ok' or it might be very very bad indeed.

In all honesty, that kind of 'interesting' to me is like looking down a firecracker to see why it hasn't gone off

D

Soberwolf

this sounds so confused

im so glad im sober

Eddiebuckle

I'm glad the weekend went well. The problem is that this past weekend was the exception, not the rule:

Sooner or later, drinking ends up back where you left off and you know it, you've seen it and have been to the funerals to prove it.

PurpleKnight

Just be careful herradura!!

I "experimented" for far too long, and what seemed like control was just the start of things spiralling as bad as ever!!

Soberpotamus

You sound ambivalent about it. This seems like an encounter that's going to be favorably recorded and recalled in your brain. For those of us with an addiction, that's a dangerous thing.

I'd consider what you did as rolling the dice, you know? It's good it ended well. And maybe you did have some control in this situation. But in my case, for every time I exerted control over my drinking, there were so many more times I didn't.

I think I was like a bull being held back in the stall, bucking to get out. That's what moderate occasions were for me. If I didn't break out of the stall that particular occasion, I'd do it eventually.

FreeOwl

I remember a lot of these little 'victories'.

They kept me unhealthily addicted for many years more than I probably would have been if I was just entirely unable to moderate ever, at all.

Sometimes I think they're the lucky ones... the ones who simply cannot.

herradura

Thanks for the comments. I certainly have a drinking problem and I want to take care of it. But I believe in the process of cutting down, and bypass the self hatred of saying I have stopped and then let myself down and feel like a loser.

Since I have been on this site I have cut my drinking down by 85%. I look at this as a success. Typically drank 16 to 18 times a month. My intentions are to cut it back another 50% this month(perhaps drink once or twice and not get drunk), and then get accustomed to being a non drinker. Eventually, hopefully by the end of this year I want to be alcohol free.

I have failed miserably over the last 20+ years to "taper". It always works for a while, then it gets the better of me. I just think it is extremely difficult to go from drinking 3 to 4 times a week and then stop. My approach this time is not to just "cut back", but to cut back and then stop. Never before have I said I need to stop drinking, now I know I need to, and I think I can.

There have been some extreme positives over the last 5 weeks IRT drinking/not drinking. I have seen I need to work on many things in my life. Physical shape, relationships with other people, overeating, being "drunk/hungover lazy". My mind is clearer and I see I have a lot to work on, and I mean a lot. When I was drinking 3 to 4 times a week(always to excess) I did not see any of these problems. I am easily 70 lbs overweight and have not exercised for 7 months this year. Now I exercise everyday, tennis, treadmill, lift weights. I have lost 12 lbs in 5 weeks and feel pretty damned good. I look at this as progress and even though I have far to go, I am getting there.

Not looking for a fight, if I want one I can talk to my wife. Just saying I have a plan in place for the first time. Can I be a casual drinker? No, because it has in the past always gotten worse. But I do want to stop and think I will get there. At least in my case, there are a lot of things going on that need to be worked on. I compare stopping drinking cold turkey to a person who has not exercised in 10 years running a marathon. Can they do it? I don't think so, at least not in my case. But if you follow a process or plan as many on this site call it, it can certainly work.

Very happy with my success so far and I have to look at the positives. I cant keep reading about situations where people fail and fail and fail. Seize the positives and work on the negatives.

I have no interest in counseling, or AA. I will not speak about AA since it has been very successful for many people, and I personally don't argue with success. I think if it works for you that is great. I like this site as it lets me know I am not alone in this battle, but there are many ways to fight a war,, and win.

Thanks again for the comments.

trachemys

Fight the war. Win. Whatever it takes.

Soberpotamus

Maybe you're tempted to see these situations in a win/lose, fail/succeed, self-esteem/self-hate frame? Is it really necessary to keep focusing on judging yourself a failure or a success?

Why not look at it in terms of what is actually going on, what are you justifying, what are you willing to see, and what are you denying?

I don't like failing or seeing myself in a negative light either. But I need to see things realistically.

In an effort to be open-minded about this, maybe you are running from an honest critique of yourself? If your drinking problem is such that you find yourself dealing with negative consequences when you drink, then things are highly unlikely to spontaneously improve whenever you turn up a bottle.

I don't think anyone would tell you not to pat yourself on the back for improvements made. And it's not that anyone's advocating focusing on failures to keep yourself sober. I don't! I focus on the present, and what I must do to keep my peace of mind.

Fly N Buy

First, I wish you the best of luck - as I do myself and all others in the quest for long term sobriety. I mean this sincerely.

For me, the jury was in - all the empirical data reviewed and the votes cast.
I am an alcoholic with alcoholism. The first drink is an obsession of the mind that will lead ( maybe not every time) unplanned indulgence = DRUNK which puts myself, family and strangers is peril.

Recently heard a man share who was liquid to a point of about 2.5 million. He was retired and looking forward to the easy years. Within 12 months he had lost all his money - various really, really bad choices made by an alcoholic mind.

He stopped for a period, then started again. Finally, he sold his last assets to pay for rehab. He's now around 45 days sober....Heart wrenching to hear. This is a gent in a group I attend and not some urban internet legend.....


When you posted the above I remembered something you posted awhile back that struck me. Kind of hard to forget, frankly. Below is your post:


Been lots of tipping points for me, but only one that got me to get on this site or any other site IRT alcohol problem. 8/2/14 I was up at my ranch and have had an ongoing property dispute with another party. I have tried successively to buy his property for 5 months. Its a long story and not for here. Anyway, he flew out to the property and I knew he was going to stop buy to look at his property. I had been building fence, and drinking beer since 10:00 am. I was out in the back 40 building a gun range and my kid came to tell me he was at the ranch house. I had probably 8 to 10 beers in me and it was 1:00 p.m.(usually a time when most people may have one beer with lunch).

We met, it turned very confrontational and I came unhinged. Really unhinged, as I have already spent a lot of $$ on lawyers to rectify this problem and even though I have met his asking price three times, he kept raising it. So it did not get physical, although I was hoping it would even though he was an enormous 340 lber. At one point, and this was the tipping point, I thought, why in the hell don't I just shoot him and bury him on my property? Then the problem would go away. I had a gun right there, a tractor to dig and I thought damn, why did I not think of this earlier. I don't have a criminal record, don't even have a speeding ticket. I am one law abiding citizen.

I did not shoot him, and eventually I finished the 30 pack of beer after he left and woke up the next morning with a few questions I needed to answer. I get aggressive when I drink too much, never toward my family, but toward others. But obviously something had changed with the beer. I used to be fun and jovial, now I get mean and thought about shooting a guy to solve a problem which will in time rectify itself. SOOOO, I had to make a change. I got on here the next day and was comforted that other people are in the same boat, and I need to focus not on the 10-30 beers, but rather the first one.

Pretty educated guy, but never thought it was a battle to not have the first one, but a battle to stop at about 10-30. It was an epiphany to me to think it needs to stop before one.

I really can't risk getting drunk and wanting to shoot people. It is not a very socially acceptable solution to a problem. Sort of like getting drunk, then throwing your life away type of situation.

Anyway, that was my tipping point. Glad to get it off my chest.

My friend, one is too many and xxxxx is never enough.
Please keep posting us on your progress and I pray you will find your way!!

peace to us all

herradura

Flynbuy,
Thanks for the post. That "incident" certainly was the point where I knew it was time to address this issue. Still very embarrassed about it, still have not resolved the problem. Working on it. On a positive, have not gotten that drunk since that incident and have not had any problems. I am planning on giving it up, full bore, but it is a process. I have a plan and a goal.

BTW very thankful I did not shoot the guy and his buddy. That would have been a big damn hole, he was huge!!! (joke) Sort of a LIVE WIRE on this side of the computer. I once lost 1.3 in two days and got very physically ill. Thought it was the end of the world, just picked my arse up and went back into the melee of business and got it back. Was not drinking too much as my time was consumed with a benzo addiction. Kicked that one with a taper, and it worked. I will get this and appreciate the support.

Also very thankful I have the support of a great wife who keeps me out of jail, on a better path than I would choose, and knows that you cant cure crazy, but he needs to stop drinin!!