Loser alert
 

And that would be me. I didn't make 2 months. I was totally fine all day. No real triggers. Ended up with 3 drop-offs as in I drove all 3 kids at separate times to school which was annoying and may have triggered me in the past. One kid had band practice which was fine but then I should have made 2 trips, but my youngest was refusing to go to school so I had to take #2 kid to school and when I returned my husband said she was okay to go to school. I drove her and then came home and my husband was still home which was annoying because he could have driven at least one kid.

Anyhow, was totally fine, went the health food store Trader Joes. The thing about TJs is that they have a big wine section and people, I mean every single person in every line I saw was buying wine. Some by the crate. Most had 3-4 bottles. I got one. I didn't think I could moderate. I didn't think it was right. I just wanted to see what would happen. I didn't even have any until quite late in the evening.

Anyhow, I woke at 3am. My husband only needs about 5 hours of sleep, he was up and asked why I was up. I said "because I drank alcohol, I wanted to see how I would feel and I feel awful." He said "well I hope you don't make this a regular thing." I said "No, I just have a new sobriety date."

I have no cravings today and I love my sleep. I want to have a good night's sleep tonight, there is no way I would drink any alcohol. I was actually surprised one bottle of wine did me in. It really did.

I must have fallen asleep again because I had a very real dream. I didn't realize I was dreaming. I woke up and was getting ready in the morning and I heard a crack and a tooth fell out. Then another. As I was trying to go about my morning routine, my teeth kept falling out until I had about 8-9 in my pocket. Then I woke up and it was 5:30am. I was so relieved it had been a dream. Never had a dream like that before.

The only other thing is, this year, I have had an unusual fear of 9/11. On 9/11/01, I was in my flight attendant uniform, in my hotel room, the news was on. Bryant Gumbel was talking about a plane that crashed into a building and how perhaps the equipment failed. I remember thinking that makes no sense because a pilot can see out the window. I was watching the TV when the 2nd plane hit.

I went downstairs to meet my crew to take the shuttle to Orlando Airport. I was on the last day of a 4-day 757 trip. Then all US airports were shut down. I was stuck in Orlando for 6 days. Then, for 2 days, we moved to a hotel inside Orlando Airport. Then we worked a flight to Minneapolis and I was suppose to be free once it landed but they a-carded me which means they gave me another trip while I was in flight, which they can do. So many flight attendants were calling in sick or refusing to fly that they were allowing off-duty FAs in street clothes work flights. My son was 10-months old. I really wanted to go home.

I hope this 9/11 comes and goes without incident. I am making a care package to send to the soldier I adopted in Afghanistan, my daughter is doing the same for the soldier she adopted in Afghanistan. My son for the sailor he adopted on the USS George Bush. I hope everyone is safe and sober.

Not asking you to answer here, but can you look yourself in the eye and honestly say you didn't already know the answer to that question?

hi soberjuly

dont worry its happened

maybe a plan to not be tempted again in early sobriety is needed ?

always here rooting for you !

So now you're SoberSeptember?

Don't worry about it SJ :) It sounds like you learned something - perhaps something you didn't know before. It's taken me many many attempts and many many learning experiences to get to where I am today - which is knowing deep down that I can never control it, and that I want this sober thing.

It sounds like you are in the same place.

Thanks for sharing.

No!!! I don't like it. You sound too matter-of-fact, like no big deal. Sorry to give you the tough love but I think that you have to take it more seriously than that. And what do you mean "I didn't open it until later" or "I'll just have a new sobriety date"... It's your recovery but your post makes you sound not ready. Sorry to be so upfront and harsh, that's just what I'm reading into your post...

I really wish you the best! The hard part is not to quit but to stay quit. You can do this!

And don't call yourself a loser. You are not one, you are still in the race :)

Don't be too hard on yourself. Maybe you needed a reminder of how terrible you feel after you drink. Score one for the little voice in your head. It does help to avoid putting yourself in a place where you might be tempted to drink. My wife wants me to go with her to a local bar next week where a country artist that she likes is playing. I told her I didn't think it was a good idea. I am short of 2 months sober so I feel its a little early to be surrounded by alcohol.

You have a great attitutude. Now you know, put it to rest, and begin anew.

SoberJuly- I don't agree with this person. I think you're doing great, and had a slip. Good luck, keep back on what was working before, and learn/grow. You haven't failed the race- you just tripped a second! :)

SoberJuly, I hope that you deal with the reasoning that led you back to drinking, but you are not a loser.

And I hope you decide that alcohol is not an option, ever.

Wow - Greeter, turned rhetorical question asker= sober enforcement dude.

Scott, you don't need to answer here, but can you look yourself in the eye and honestly say your question isn't judgmental????

SJ - whatever happens, you are not a loser. Our friend Dee posted this in my thread today and I'm going to pass it on to you:

"Putting ourselves down is actually one of the main weapons our addiction has...if it can convince us we're not really worth fighting for it has us beat."

Your recollection of 9/11 gave me chills and I think you're doing a great thing reaching out to guys and/or ladies overseas and teaching your children the kindness of reaching out to others as well.

I'm not an expert at this so I won't pretend to give you any advice or anything...but let's just keep pushing forward ok?

I think it was a valid question for the OP to ask themselves. For me sobriety wasn't possible until i was able to be 100% truthful with myself about why I drank and all the excuses I used to make up for myself. If it seems judgmental I apologize to other forum members as well as soberjuly, that was certainly not my intention.

Thanks Scott,
perhaps a community greeter should be held to a higher standard. I think your reply posting(bold) is a great response.

peace

I learned a very specific lesson from every single relapse I have in my charge...

I'm unable to moderate at all.

One sip and all bets are off.

Perhaps you just needed to do a little more "field research" Soberjuly. That's not discounting the severity of this disease, and I'm sure glad you got out unscathed, but please, don't call yourself a "loser".

You came back right away. And that's no easy feat.

I think it's honorable and admirable that your honesty led you back to where you know the going gets good - sober. :)

I'm a bigger loser than you, SJ. :)

I'm going to continue to be part of the graduating class of September 2014 (I started out in July, but fell back two grades from relapsing).

My sponsor has an interesting take on the word "denial" as it is thrown around in recovery circles: "One does not know, cannot know, until they know". (until he said this and more importantly, I HEARD IT, I had my doubts as to whether he knew). I had to drink a lot..and then some more to know.

I had a recent slip of my own, but it wasnt one day. It was very gradual of the residual effects were the same, as in I started drinking every day again.

Well today marks day 2. And tomorrow will be your day 2. Just try adding one more day each day... I felt pretty down myself, but now I am feeling better and today was a good morning (well better than previous ones) and I hope tomorrow is better than today. This afternoon is a little rough but I am managing. Good luck.

I hope you stick around SoberJuly :)

You're not a loser - I had many reasons for drinking again and I did frequently for many years.

Those ideas that are trying to drive you away and stop you from posting are actually your addiction in high gear.

It loves to isolate us and will use anything it can - pride, fear, shame, anger, self-loathing..

The door's always open here.


I saw no judgement. I've asked the question myself here many times and, way back, had the question asked of me

I think it was valid too - and helpful, Scott.

Let's all move on...and focus back on the OP :)
D

I had an "incident" at about 3 months. I wasn't trying to just have one either. I got a pint and if my stomach hadn't blew on me I would have drank it all. That left me thinking how stupid it was for me to try drinking again. It also made me realize I needed some kind of plan in place should that mindset strike again. It did strike again. I promised myself before I ever drank again I would come here and put my intentions in writing for all to see. The second time I would have drank again I didn't because once you tell somebody it doesn't seem like that great of an idea.