Loneliness in early recovery.
 

The last two weeks of sobriety I’ve noticed an overwhelming feeling of pure loneliness. I’ve had stints of sobriety before, and I know that the first couple months are usually pretty up and down, and the depression does subside over time.

But I was driving home from an AA meeting last night, having just left a huge room filled with people. Some of whom I know, some of whom I made casual chit-chat with. And I’m thinking – why am I so LONELY? Rewind two weeks ago before I got sober. I wasn’t feeling lonely then, so why NOW?

What would I be doing on a Monday night, if I WASN’T in recovery? The answer to that was of course – probably drinking a bottle (or three) of wine on my couch. By myself. I wouldn’t be hanging out with friends. I wouldn’t be doing anything social. At the end, I mostly drank alone, and I mostly drank at home. So here I am – sober, surrounded by people, and I’m lonely. But two weeks ago when I was by myself, with a bottle, I wasn’t.

So this leads me to believe that either:

a) I’m lonely because alcohol has been my "best friend"for a long time, and I'm grieving the loss of that "friendship". (Forget that it was the worst, most evil, backstabbing, traitor best friend ever – I know this.)
b) The loneliness was always there, but alcohol numbed me from it. Now that I don’t have the booze, I’m just starting to feel the real feelings that were always there.

Somebody with solid sobriety once told me that they were never lonely anymore, because their HP was always with them. I was like – wow. I can’t imagine feeling like that. That would be pretty awesome. So...

Maybe the answer is prayer, meditation, trying to enhance that spiritual connection.

Maybe it will just take time to build sober relationships, sober friendships, etc.

Maybe I’m just lonely because of all these secrets in my head, and after doing my step 5 I’ll feel better.

Maybe all of the above.

All I know is that I’d rather be lonely & sober, than drunk & under the delusion that a bottle is somehow keeping me company. What a sad, sad existence that really is when you really think about it. Very sad.

Mine was B.
*hugs*

love your post mrrryah

Thanks Jupe thanks Wolf <3 :)

I thought about this before and for me, it was definitely this. Alcohol numbed me from feeling anything and everything. The gamut of emotions I just didn't want to deal with were washed away when I was in the wine bottle. That being said, the emotions that came with it after a binge were 10x more UNbearable than the original emotions I was hiding from in the first place!!
:dee

Baffling is damn right. *Scratches head*

and yah - I would rather be lonely and SOBER. I think we all have to learn to love ourselves, and know we are never ALONE. That's the trick. Or at least one of them!

I totally agree Jupe.

Even if I'm feeling negative emotions, like sad, angry, lonely, whatever it may be, at least I'm actually feeling. At least that's REAL.

I like "there's a light at the end of the tunnel. But it's a sewage tunnel and you have to wade through alot of **** to get there."

I'm a firm believer that all of those feelings I "drank away" didn't just disappear, never to resurface again. I'm gonna have to wade through all of that stuff, those old, numbed emotions, to get to that light & to start feeling better.

I call this stage of my recovery "emotional defrosting", lol.

I totally agree with you. We didn't drink anything away. In fact, I'm pretty sure we just amplified and made it even more difficult for us to deal with them, which is why early sobriety is such a tricky b1tch.
We numbed ourselves for so long, we're lost at first with how to process and actually DEAL and FEEL these things that "normal" (whatever that is) people do all the time.
Our toolbox is empty. We need to start from scratch and relearn things. Hell, LEARN things. I don't know what I would have done if I wasn't eligible for counselling....it has been a lifesaver for me. To have an unbiased person help walk me through a few things I have no idea where to even start with.
Some sessions leave me depleted bigtime. But it is so worth it.

I love the "emotional defrosting" :D
clever ;) and true! that's what it feels like.

Hi, I know how you feel. But, 2 weeks ago you weren't feeling lonely because you had a false sense of things due to alcohol. Now you are aware of your feelings because you aren't soaking your brain in poison. It will get better. Feeling something is better than feeling nothing. Keep posting on here and we'll do our best to cheer you up :ring

I totally get this... Alchohol its a liar. It numbs things only for so long then amplifies them. When I am connected to my HP (my Lord) I am whole and fullfilled. If I start my day in prayer and meditation on His word I feel so much better. He says "draw near to me and I will draw near to you" I never feel alone when I am seeking Him. Alchohol distracted me from that which lead to my downward spririal... just my two cents. We are always here for you :)

Incredible timing with this post.....I am in that space between light and dark today.
93 days sober, pop goes the enthusiastic beginner feeling great deal and here I am - Ambivalent and lonely.

Kids are grown, wife and I simply are cordial to each other - but nothing really there on either part. Ambivalent.

I recall feeling poorly after drinking. But, for those few hours I was at peace.....
I understand that feeling isn't real - not sure I care. At least it was an escape from.....well,
ambivalence.

Hopeful tomorrow will come soon - the demon rum will not be invited today. We will deal with tomorrow, tomorrow
peace

Learning to ebb and flow with the emotions is tough too.
Like surfing on a wave.


(I've never surfed)

I'm gonna have to go with both A and B. Give yourself some time to find out who you are again. Loneliness in the beginning is not uncommon. Be strong and recognize it for what it is. You can fight through it. I know you can.

Lovely heartfelt post Mrrryah1. I know how you feel, wish I could put it in words like that..

I think you answered both of your questions yourself.
a.) Yes, you've now lost your very good friend who kept you from feeling lonely. It can actually be akin to grieving the loss of a loved one.
b.) Many, many alcoholics self-medicate an undiagnosed psychological problem without realizing it. It's only after removing the "medication" that addressing the possible underlying condition can begin. That's when accessing help from a medical professional, counselor or therapist should be part of your recovery.
Also, the onset of post-acute withdrawal symptoms (similar to what you're describing) is quite common and, in my experience, is a frequent cause of relapse regardless of the substance that was recently discontinued. The more you reach out for support and assistance during this period, the better your odds of maintaining the sobriety you've achieved so far.
Congrats on your progress. You sound very committed and thoughtful about what needs to be done.

During the worst of my drinking, I would finish work at 5pm and stop at the liquor store and buy a fifth of vodka each day at 5:10pm before I got on the subway. I would be home at 5:40pm and have my first vodka soda in hand by 5:45pm. I would then drink alone all night until the bottle ran out around 11pm. Then I would pass out.

This was my pattern for almost 2 years. The vast majority of my free time during the week was spent drinking alone in my condo. However, at the time, I wasn't the least bit lonely. If I had booze, I was happy as a pig in sh*t. I could watch TV/movies and surf the net and didn't want any company.

When I stopped drinking, I couldn't sit on my own at home alone for more than an hour or so before I would start getting lonely and depressed. Even now, I need to just get up and go for a walk because without alcohol I can't stand being cooped up alone.

I am sure the loneliness was there the whole time, but the booze masked it for a long time. I had a girlfriend at the time and had many friends and co-workers around, yet I still chose to drink alone by myself whenever I could.

Sounds like you are making great progress Myrrah. Keep up the good work!

That was exactly me. I had plenty of opportunities to drink with other people. But I didn't want to drink with other people. Because that always turned out one of two ways:

I would either NOT enjoy my drinking, because I was controlling it so I wouldn't be judged... or alternatively, I would drink freely so I could enjoy it, and end up doing something to humiliate myself, and feel judged.

Neither option was much appealing to me. Lol.

Even when I went out to "social events", I would USUALLY (if I was lucky) stick around for one quick drink and then bolt, heading straight to the liquor store, so I could go home and commence drinking alone.

yup - party of one - check!

Wow guys/ladies -- this whole thread hit home.

Mrrryah - I totally feel you. I've been feeling the same way recently. And like you, my actual circumstance didn't really change. As in...I've been single and living alone for a while. I just was conked out on wine or vodka within an hour of being home. And now that I'm actually present and aware, I'm like...dang, this is kinda lonely. Apparently this is something a lot of us are dealing with. It's tough but as Jupiter said...just ebbs and flows that we have to ride out I guess.

Oh and the posts about not going out with friends and instead choosing to drink alone -- absolutely. When I did go out, I would have excuses for why I had to go early...just so I could get home to my entire bottle of wine in peace. Honestly, until I found SR I really thought I was the ONLY one in the whole world that did that...like..who DOES that?? I'm not glad that others are struggling of course, but I'm gosh dang glad to have found people that can relate.

Myrrah I can relate to everything you are saying 100%. Trying hard to control my drinking so I could get home and drink at my pace. Feeling glad when my husband fell asleep early so I could drink my wine even faster.

I would so everything to protect my alcohol. I would lie, I would deny, alcohol was my best friend. That first sip, the fuzzy warmth with the buzz. But I could never stop there and be content.

I wanted more, to drink into oblivion. And if I had to stop for whatever reason, I was pissed. My addictive voice got angry, I would get a headache and get tired. I wanted to be up, drinking until blackout only to wake up and wonder who did I text? Who did I call? Did I curse out my husband or say weird **** that doesn't make sense? Did I repeat myself over and over and over again with my brain being on autopilot?

I dream about alcohol. Some days I obsess about it with every breath I take. I hope this gets easier

Yessssssssssssssss. Exactly.

Lola - I DO THAT!!!! :P We may be lonely but at least we're not alone.

Lia - I can TOTALLY relate to the anger that happens when something interferes with my drinking. That anger was fierce. :| And the manipulative actions & excuses that I would come up with in order to continue my drinking/hide my drinking/ease my drinking were cray.

Funny how alike we are.

Makes the loneliness easier. :)