sprout50

Will, I am glad that you are going to visit your mom. I think you need some space and ttime to think. One day at a time and one thing at a time.

Will198

Took sparkys advice and asked my GF about the photos and it was her Dads idea in case anything else happens in the future. Not sure what was meant by 'else' but going to try and not focus on that part of things at the moment. Just going to get well.

Not sure why I did this and I might have made things worst but I showed my GF all the hidden bottles in the house. She started getting upset and said something about me lying to her and I left. That's the problem I'm trying to be completely honest about everything but it seems to make things worst. Not going to stop though going to make honesty my new 'thing' in life.

Had a really big craving last night. My AV telling me things like 'you only get into trouble when you binge drinking a half bottle won't hurt anyone' and things like 'no one will know'. Started making a note of AA meetings in my area as the cravings seem to be getting worst.

I didn't give in though, went to the supermarket walked past the booze isle and bought two big bags of haribo sweets, eat some, had a bath, read for a bit and slept.

I actually slept well last night and didn't wake up sweating until this morning.

I'm now on day 5.

sprout50

Will, Right now, you and your GF are going through rough times. Being honest with her is the right thing to do as in saying you have a drinking problem and are working on staying sober. I am not sure how your conversation went but if things are highly emotional, I think just saying that and then stepping back is enough. You want to be completely honest but showing her all the botttles you have hidden may be just a bit much for her right now. She needs to process.

Not to be cynical, but sometimes honesty can hurt things. You have a child together. She already has photos from the incident. You don't want to give her anymore fuel for you not to see your daughter. Your actions of being sober are going to go a lot further right now, rather than showing her your good intentions of dumping out the hidden liquor.

5 days sober is a great accomplishment especially with all you have going on. It is so easy to tell ourselves we can drink when things are so stressful. Nice choice with the Haribos-for me it's ice cream! The first week is tough. You are really doing great!

AlcoholFree66

With Alcohol in my system I did things that I would never do sober. For me alcohol took away all my inhibitions and I engaged in really reckless, dishonest and unsafe behaviour. The more I drank the more extreme my behaviour became. It was also so unpredictable. It is so much easier and more enjoyable living life by making choices I'm comfortable with and not with an addled mind.

SparkyMcSparky

It's going to be hard before it gets easier Will.

When nerves are frayed, everything is an open wound. Same with me and the wife - now over two months sober I seem to have earned back a lot of trust already. She wasn't thrilled about the hidden drinking, either.

All you can do right now is stay sober, and just concentrate on the day ahead. Lather, rinse, repeat for a few weeks, and you'll know when the opening is there to talk about your future.

Great job fighting the AV - once you get past the first two weeks, it gets better.

And do check out an AA meeting. It may be a good program for you. Worst case scenario is you get a cup of coffee, meet some well-meaning people, and show your GF that you are serious.

Keep strong.

maverickspoint

Well done mate, you dealt with the exact type of situation that could cause you to hit the bottle again and you beat it. That was a big tuning point for you and really good grounding for your life of sobriety. I think you're doing incredibly well and you're motivating me as much as others are motivating you. Regarding the pictures, it is a very personal matter and not really my place to say but I wouldn't dwell on it or give it any thought for now. If you continue down the path you are on now nothing major will go wrong and once things in your life are a whole lot clearer you will know how to best approach the issue then. You're slowly turning into a great example of how someone can change their lives for the better. Once you're in a position to you will start to read about others that need help and you may be surprised to hear it but your story will help them change too. You're helping me so thank you.

anattaboy

Congrats on 5 days! This is going to take awhile to sort out (been there and still doing that) and I agree staying sober is the most productive thing to do at this point.

Will198

Thanks for your support guys. Think I'm going to need it tonight especially as I'm going to be alone all night. Friday was one of the nights of the week when I could drink without hiding it and now I've got to try and not drink when no one is watching.

It's going to be hard but still feeling determined. I won't drink tonight.

Soberwolf

its ok will im alone tonight my gf is staying at her mums 3rd night running as her mum had foot surgery

if you cant sleep at 2am our time in chat there is an online meeting with a topic we all share/listen to you might like it ?

what you making yourself for dinner will i stock bought frozen puff pastries and lattices

and ive got 24h Marinated chicken with smoked paprika lemon thyme rosemary garlic salt pepper

might just cook it strip it and make fajita's

hmmmmm im getting hungry LOL

SparkyMcSparky

Hey Will, remember HALT.....hungry, angry, lonely, and tired. Got a feeling you'll be at least 3 out of 4 tonight. I'd say call a buddy, but they'd likely bring over a case of beer (if they're anything like my buddies).

Hungry and lonely can be defeated by going out to overeat somewhere where alcohol is not served. A buffet works well. If you have a non-drinking buddy, invite them along?

Maybe tonight would be a good night to try out an AA meeting?

Have something else to drink to take the pace of booze in the house. I'm not a fan of sweets, so club soda, cranberry, and grapefruit juice do work. Vegetable juice is also good, with the added benefit it fills you up.

Then when you get tired, go to bed and get to sleep. If you are having an active brain, and it doesn't want to let you sleep, play some music and concentrate on it. With the week you've had, and with the newness of your sobriety, you're likely exhausted.

For me, the most important things in early sobriety were:
- Overeating, especially filling foods like fried chicken and ice cream
- Having alternatives to beer in the home
- Spending time with friends whom I had let know I quit drinking
- Spending time with people
- Using my free non-drinking time for purposeful activity, including researching methods to get sober

Have a good evening Will. There are always people around if you feel you need some encouragement in the forums too.

NorMar

And be sure to get on here and let everyone know how you are making it tonight. People DO care.

FreeOwl

Hey Will....

I'm holding you in my thoughts and intentions, offering you strength.

You've learned some hard, scary, unsettling lessons.

But it can all be the greatest gift of your life.

If this has your attention enough to do everything it takes, this can be the beginning of goodness and joy you have never even dreamed of. The pain you hold now can be a thing of the past, replaced by a sense of goodness at the man you are, reflected with love in the eyes of your daughter, family and friends.

Throw everything you can at it. Get to an aa meeting. Ask them for a big book. Read it cover to cover. You will learn a lot. You will read it again. The meetings will give you real, direct, essential human connection. You'll get a few phone numbers you can call when things get tough or the AV is getting the best of you.

Right now is your critical time for momentum.... You have the raw fear, the recent pain, the terrible images fueling you to WANT change.

Use that. Use it for all you've got because this thing is sneaky.

I promise you have nothing to lose going to aa - and your life to gain.

Like others, I don't rely on Aa to keep me sober - but it was a powerful tool in my journey. I still pop into meetings sometimes and they are always nourishing. I have read the big book over and over. SR is a great place - but what you've described is intense.... You want to change this, stop at NOTHING to do it.

We're here for you

SoberHoopsFan

I can relate Will. I was a different person when I drank, a bad one. Alcohol makes us behave in immoral ways. I broke laws, I said shameful things, I was a menace to those around me. You can rebound from that and live a moral life again by not drinking. I am an upstanding citizen in sobriety and a genuinely decent guy. When I drink, it's a different person. You're never too far gone to quit either. It's breaking that cycle initially then sticking with it then changing your attitude about how you view things. Eventually the desire to drink slowly goes away. Sobriety becomes the norm. Give it a chance, you don't have to live like that.

Will198

Last night was really really tough. My AV telling me the same as before 'it's only the binge drinking that's the problem'. I was actually thinking that I could have a drink and still come on here and pretend I hadn't. How messed up is that! I mean this place is full of the most understanding people on the planet and I was going to drink then lie.

I know if I had drank last night I would just have received advice like 'dust yourself off and start again'. Yet here I was thinking about lying.

Anyway I finished work and just aimlessly drove around for hours. I phoned my girlfriend and asked if I should take the dog out but she had already asked her dad. This pissed me off and I went to the supermarket and bought cigarettes and a half bottle of whiskey. I put the whiskey in my glove box and kept driving.

Eventually I decided to take my dog out anyway and we walked for about two and a half hours. I seen a group of teenagers drinking and playing music and I deliberately walked right past them, I think I was hoping that they might attack me. I guess I'm pretty messed up at the moment.

I got home and saw my girlfiends dad pulling up. I could have sneaked out the back door but I decided I had to face him eventually so that's what I did. We had a long chat and he told me he took the pictures because he read an article in the paper about a guy who, while drunk, killed his wife and child. To think that a story like that would make someone think about me is probably one of the lowest moments in my life. He was actually very calm (not sure I would have been if I was in his shoes) but then there's no doubting he's a better man than me.

I actually asked him to take the bottle of prosecco that was in the fridge in case i drank it, all the time knowing the whiskey was in my car. I actually told him about the prosecco as if I was this amazing changed man. How messed up is that! !

He left and I went straight to my car, got the whiskey and sat staring at it for about half an hour. I poured it down the sink and cried. I hid the empty bottle in the boot of my car. I guess somethings don't change I'm still hiding bottles.

Anyway I'm now on day six and I won't drink tonight.

FreeOwl

You're not a bad man.


You're not a terrible, lesser-than person.

You are an entirely 'normal' alcoholic.

We have all felt these things. Many of us have learnt that to move past addiction and into a far greater life that allows us to be the true Selves we are - we must process and turn around our thinking and beliefs. We must accept the awful things that we have done and been, but also forgive ourselves and recognize the true and GOOD person within.

I really hope you will go to aa. You don't have to struggle through this alone, and the strength and healing of in-person, understanding human contact cannot be understated.

I'm so glad you poured out that whiskey. Please consider going to some meetings and reading the big book. If nothing else it will help you fill up some time and avoid driving around aimlessly, buying booze and hoping to be attacked.

sprout50

Will, I am glad that you got to talk to your gf's father. Getting things out in the open and working towards resolution is going to take a lot of anxiety away.

You are not the first person to consider drinking and lying about it. I have never seen people here throw judgement at someone for a relapse but I am very glad that you fought your way through and remained sober.

I actually came on the boards last night to see if you posted knowing you said it was going to be a difficult night for you. (Of course there is about a 5 hour time difference? I am in New England and you are in Scotland) When you feel this way, just come in here and post. Even if no one is on, someone will be soon and just writing out how you are feeling can help.

You did great and it will get easier.

desypete

that has got to be one of the best posts i have read around here one alcoholic trying to help another one with filling up the time alone

thats what was given to me in aa when i first tried to give up, some of them came back to my flat and kept me company for a while
no hard sell or trying to convert me to anything, just one person sitting talking about him self and me talking back and just being there so i wasnt on my own so much

brilliant example soberwolf well done my friend and i hope the guy pops along so he isnt on his own as there is no need to even try to deal with this on your own anymore

FreeOwl

^yes

maverickspoint

Heavy night. Sounds like you were going through a lot. I understand the self destructive mentality you seem to have right now, whenever I've been that way I haven't been able to control it and used to starve myself, drink, smoke, want confrontations etc. All I can say is it's taken me finding an inner peace to support any will to stop drinking. Finding peace is a different path for everyone but I find art and being around nature works for me. Spent the whole day today metal detecting, great workout, uncovered some history and no drink in sight. Focus on something new, take up a new hobby to occupy your mind, get on some forums and learn all about it maybe. Just some ideas mate but may be too early to think of anything outside of avoiding the bottle. Hope tonight is easier on you.

SparkyMcSparky

Way to stick it out, Will.

Maybe stay away from the store that sells whiskey next time, eh? Like someone said to me early in my sobriety:

"Hey, just because you ran around the motorway and didn't get hit by a car this time doesn't mean you won't get hit the next time"

Trust me, every time it gets easier. But stay off the motorway.

Best wishes.