Altoids

Hevyn said it perfectly. Today you are reaching out. Tomorrow it may be me. And all of SR is here to hold us and keep us on the sober and healthy path. That's what we all do together everyday. Thanks for sharing and trusting us. Praying for you.

soberjuly

I don't know. Today I dropped my 4 yr old off at school. We always have some time to kill as my older 2 kids start at 8:30am and she starts at 9am. So she plays on the jungle gym then the kids line up. Everyone but my kid. She never wants to go. Day 6 at a new school. I couldn't even coax her and her teacher comes out and the class goes in. The other teachers come out and collect their classes. My daughter is saying 'I'm not going to school! I'm not going to school!'. I said 'well if you go home you are going to stay in your room, no running around playing if you don't go to school'. I didn't think it would work but it did and she went to class. I felt horrible.

Then I pick her up the big 3.5 hours later, it's not a full day at her age, and she wants an ice cream. The ice cream man camps out at dismissal time. She can't decide and the man is being nice and she is saying in an angry voice 'I don't know what I want!'. I apologize profusely to the ice cream man and tell my daughter to be polite. Then she wants to go to the park because I said I would take her to the park in the morning. She never forgets anything I say. I do.

So I had to take her to the park, I was tired, I didn't want to go to the park but we went because I had promised her.

There was a mom playing "Frozen". She was chasing her kids and freezing them or they would freeze her and put her in prison. My daughter thought she was much more cool than me and was off to join "cool mom". I just sat and thought, now why can't I be like "cool mom"? although I was thankful my daughter enjoyed playing with this mom and her 2 kids.

I thought well this is about the time I would visit the liquor store because kids are stressful and I'm just not good enough.

I thought of my mother. Mom would get an iced tea. She was always drinking iced tea. She had stress in her life, a lot more than me. But she never drank alcohol and somehow managed.

Later, my son played for me "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen as if I've never heard it. So I played for my son and daughter an album made before I was born that was a favorite of my mothers, "Magical Mystery Tour" by The Beatles. It was actually the first album I ever heard. We listened or watched the videos on YouTube. I thought, if I don't show them these things, who will?

So my kids ask me, who was your favorite? Who was your favorite Beatle? Who did you have a crush on? I said, they were a little before my time.

So they said "c'mon, mom, who did you have a crush on when you were a kid?". I said "Oh that would be Shaun Cassidy. And I played them The Do Run Run. Then I told them about David Cassidy, Shaun's 1/2 brother and I played them "I Think I Love You", which was a hit before my time but I like it and I think David was a much better singer than Shaun. Then I told them about Shirley Jones, their mom, and what a great singer she was.

It made me think of my mom. My mom was like that.

My point is, I have been sitting with a wine glass in my hand for close to 5 years straight. For my son that is age 9 to 13.5. For my daughter that is age 7 to age 11.5. It encompasses age 0 to 4.5 for my youngest.

See, I wasn't THERE. I taught my 11 yr old daughter how to shave her armpits last week! Ok, not much there and it's blonde but still, she's in middle school, she needs to shave and who the heck was going to tell her that? I wasn't there.

I haven't been there. It's been drunk mom with a glass in her hand. Driving them here and there but not being present.

I don't know if you have kids but you don't need to have kids, if you have anyone in your life, or you ever want to have people in your life in a positive way - you need to be present and you never are when you are drinking.

The years you lose will just be lost while you exist as the walking dead.

I used to hang out with my mom. Really connect with her. I could plop myself on her bed and just ramble on and we talked, we really talked. She never drank.

You can drink but just know the price and maybe you can find the strength to realize it just robs you of your life.

I hope you don't take these words as harsh, they aren't meant to be. We've all been there, could be there again, I just keep telling myself yes it's hard but it's worth it.

I have all these moments with my kids now. It's wonderful. I'm not just existing in their lives, I am raising them.

MythOfSisyphus

I hope you will stick around, Chilledice. No matter how bad things are there is hope, but things will probably not improve until you can get sober. But I understand we each have our own path and only we can walk it.

May your path bend back our way, Chilledice! I wish you the best. We will be here when you're ready.

Jeni26

Me too Chilledice...all of them except the foster parents bit. I stayed where I was and I drank to escape.

I truly understand the agony you're in.

But..I found my way out and I'm happy to share how. I've been sober for over 2 years and I've faced/am facing many demons. It isn't easy. It hurts a lot sometimes. But it's definitely doable. Believe me, although you may feel like you're the only one who has suffered like you have, you won't be. I found a counsellor who specialised in dealing with sexual abuse and addiction. I worked through the steps of AA twice with different sponsors. I learned how to meditate. And I try to help others who are hurting.

And I leant on SR when my life felt like it was falling apart, which it did sometimes.

There is a path through it. Honestly there is. But those issues of yours won't ever go away while you're drinking.

Sexual abuse, violence, parents attempting suicide in front of me..they were all part of my past. But I don't have to carry them into my future. That's all mine.

Best wishes to you.

Chilledice

Im not goona leave this site I will stick around!

Obviously things need to change, things need to be dealt with. Not easy by any means but doesn't mean its impossible!

I get to the point where I feel SO low so twisted upside down so I run to the bottle, it helps for a while and then I feel the sting in its tail!

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me guys I really appreciate the feedback, sorry if I was challenging at times I get messed up when im in that mood and booze is thrown into the mix.


Well I need a STRONG coffee and a pint of water.

Dee74

Glad you're sticking around chilledice

D

Chilledice

Me too mate

mecanix

Hey Chilled ,
although i did a lot of "work" on myself with councillors , self help , all that kinda razzandmatazz , whilst i was drinking i was stuck , i'd be able to edge forwards a bit with issues but there was no end as such .

It's like a two pronged whatsit , getting sober is one part of it , dealing with it all sober is the second part of the thing . Sounds like you got a handle on the first bit , sounds like the second part is where the wheels come off ..
Sometimes dealing with all this stuff aint fun , sometimes it's painful and it hurts like …. a bad 'un .. my heart might bleed , my head might explode , but for this bloke theres no turning back , i get the help i need , stand up and get counted , make the decision .

Drink kinda pushes the fast forwards button towards our own death so you can skip feeling your own life , a sober life can offer you lots of glorious and worthwhile things .

Be your own advocate , don't give up , things will fall into place if you work at it and get the help you need .



m

Chilledice

I got appointments set up for therapy etc its a while away tho. You are right in what you say I agree 100%

There are certainly reasons to my drinking yes however I do feel that at times I use it as an excuse. And then at other times I just want that horrid pain in my head and heart to ease.

My story is nothing new, plenty of folk with trauma turned to the bottle.

I don't know what else to say at this point, then again ive just woke up so need more coffee in me lol

mecanix

coffee rocks !

I raise my cup to ya *slurrp*

Chilledice

the one thing I will NOT quit is my coffee lol

Croissant

Hey chilled. Glad you are going to hang around.

I haven't read all the posts in this thread, but I will say I know myself I experienced a pretty horrific trauma that I've never mentioned on this site. In fact, many here haven't mentioned what they've gone through. There are members here who've been through PTSD, who've come out the other side and gotten sober.

I remember reading somewhere that we start drinking for one reason, then as it progresses, it becomes another.

You are right, it's your journey. Please don't let the past hold you ransom though.

Be well.

MelindaFlowers

Hey Chilled,

I've been thinking about you today after reading your post this morning. This old saying kept popping into my head:

There is nothing that drinking can't make worse.

Drinking worked for me for a time but then it stopped. It is not a solution for any problem unless we just want to lie on the couch all day, feel horrible all the time, and not really participate in life. It is a negative no matter which way you look at it. It does not solve any problems.

You've received lots of amazing advice on this thread already. A few years ago I could not stop. I guess one more thing I wanted to add: At the end of my drinking, the drinking made me feel horrible. Absolutely horrible. I knew that sobriety could not possibly be any more torturous than the nightly 12-15 units of alcohol. Nothing could be as horrible as the cycle I was in so I knew I had to give sobriety a try. Give it a month and see how you feel. If you feel like you can't hang on by yourself I say go to meetings daily.

Mountainmanbob

I hope that you find the support that you need so as to over come.

MM

Foolsgold186

Hi chilled, thinking of you and hope you're doing okay today.

I hope you can turn the trauma and pain you suffered into a reason to fight for yourself. You deserve that.

Leigh x

DisplacedGRITS

This is the first paragraph from Chapter 5 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.

"HOW IT WORKS

Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest."

I think every alcoholic has suffered some kind of trauma, either in their predrinking days or while they were drinking. The thing is, we all suffer from the same solution. Alcohol. Whatever the problem is, alcohol could be the solution. Alcohol won't actually solve the problem, hence alcoholics usually find themselves neck deep in unresolved problems, totally confused as to how they are there.

When you take away an alcoholic's solution, alcohol, and you don't provide the alcoholic with another solution, the alcoholic goes stark raving sober. It's not uncommon for a person to feel absolutely insane while just not drinking. Abstinence from alcohol isn't the solution. It's a side effect of the solution. The solution is an entire change in lifestyle and emotion. Some call it a psychic change. The thing is, you cannot simply stop drinking and figure that that's all there is.

From my personal experience, i have discovered that i had to become completely willing to do whatever was required of me to become sober. I have had to become humble and ask for help. I had to become trustful and willing to take the advice i asked for. I had to accept that i am not the most powerful force in the world. I'm not even the most powerful force in my life. I'm a conduit for that force. I can either open myself up to being a part of the universe and become an agent of peace or i can wall myself up and live in my bubble world where i am unwilling to make honest connections with people and life. The bubble world always ends up being a miserable place.

You don't have to be defined by your trauma. You don't have to find your solution in alcohol. Until you become willing to no longer find even part of your solution in alcohol, you will simple be an active alcoholic. I don't think moderation matters. Your motives matter. You use alcohol as a solution so as long as that happens, you're a drunk alcoholic no matter how much you drink. I hope you find the capacity to become honest with yourself and the willingness to do whatever it takes to become sober before you find yourself incapacitated by alcohol's devastating effects upon your body or you find yourself dead.

FreeOwl

I really don't believe it'll be possible to move beyond trauma and grow emotionally while still drinking.

I've begun to see a lot of ways in which continuing to try to 'moderate' to deal with life was holding me back from growth.

Please reconsider your path, chill....

drunkinnumber2

how true

tomsteve

well, here I was all this time sayin yer user name as " chille dice." then for some reason this morning I got it! yeah, im not the brightest bulb out there!


anyways, im glad yer seeing that although what you've gone through is very traumatic, it isn't that unique. many have gone through the same thing or very similar. there are solutions! but im sure yer seein alcohol really hasn't worked too good. if it did, them demons wouldn't be haunting any more.
it took me many years to finally see that. but I did find a solution!! I have come to terms with the demons of my past. for the most part, I am ok with them. they don't control me anymore. they are there, cant be erased, and im ok with that. they can be of service at times to help others who have gone through similar situation.

just as with alcohol, there are also support forums on the www for other things people need support/help with. you may want to do some searching whilst yer waiting for that appointment.

drunkinnumber2

To each their own.. i really hope it works out for you, but i can say in the short time I've been sober it's like i've put my pain in stasis... I'm now just thawing out, and its just as fresh as the day i sank it to the bottom of a bottle of jager....you won't come to terms with things when drinking

Best of luck to you anyway xx