cant stop
 

I have been ruining my life with drugs and alcohol since i was 13.i am 39 now.every relationship ive had has been destroyed bc of my behavior.i was addicted to heroin and coke for several years and have become an alcoholic after quitting those.im ashamed of myself.i have a great boyfriend that probably wont deal with much more.ihave a past w mental illness and have spent time as a teen in treatment for suicidal behavior.there are numerous reasons ii medicate but the one that causes the most damage is that i like it.my behavior is immature and hurtful.i think my fear of closeness with my boyfriend and trust issues are fueling my fire.i often do the exact opposite of what i know is right in some sick way of sabatoge to myself. I do not know how to be in control of my anger and stop basically comitting slow suicide.i really need help and drinking more seems to be the only way ive delt w things.learned behavior and a cycle of awful. Anyone out there relate to me? Am i crazy?

Hey Ellie, I can definitely relate to you as I'm sure lots of people on here can. I was always on something since I was 12/13 myself and went through stages of addiction to various drugs. Alcohol has always been there though and has progressively got worse over time as I was always told it would. I am only very early back after a relapse myself but just wanted to let you know you're not on your own and you can get better. All I can suggest is seeking out support from services near to you, groups, counselling, what ever you can get, every little will help as it is not easy on your own. Also I've had to make lots changes in my life, got rid of old friends, made sober friends, stayed away from old hang outs, got voluntary work, it goes on. Step by step it is possible to turn things around, not all at once, but you can do it in small steps.

This forum is also great, read up, post and even chat if you need support. You can change things if you want to and I wish you all the best.

No your not crazy I have delt with such issues and am now living a better life I haven't done cocaine in 3 years I am 13 months sober from alcohol I too come from a hellish background and I made it to the other side

I relate as I gave up a class A drug but couldn't stop drinking the legal stuff well here I am, I am proof right before your eyes and Im happy too

I'm sure i suffer some form of mental illness from everything ive seen and experienced but I don't like labels and I don't take medication (none is prescribed my doctor says I'm of sound mind these days compared to when I first broke down in his office lol)

I want to say you can do it but I get the feeling you already know that so you need a plan and Id start with mtns going to the doctor explaining

No shame in a phoenix rising from the ashes !

When you get desperate enough, you stop.

Reaching out to us here is a first step. Can you get to an AA meeting? It will help, it's free, and there will be people there who understand and who can help you find your way out.

Welcome to the forums!

Ellie hang in there, I struggle with a ton of mental issues. I have problems letting people be close and can relate on some level.

Don't disappoint yourself or allow depression to seep into your mind. You sound like you are really struggling with depression right now. Know that things can and will get better the long you are sober and that you matter!

Welcome to the forums there is a lot of awesome support here.

Welcome Ellie! You certainly are not alone - many have all, or some of those same feelings.

I sabotaged myself for years too. I had to have really bad things happen in order to face what needed to happen. I can't touch alcohol. We don't need it - it traps us and causes terrible anxiety. We think it's an answer - a way to cope - but it's the opposite.

Glad you found us and wanted to talk about your situation. I hope it helps to know you're among others who understand.

No, you're not crazy. You're addicted. That's different. You can break that addiction but it will take some effort and changes on your part. I hope the support here can help you get sober for good.

Welcome to the family. :)

Thanks to all of you for your responses.i feel a little less crazy.just waiting for the anxiety to pass.but i made it today with out my pasifier and youve all helped me so much already

Welcome Ellie! I am glad you are here!

hi ands welcoem Ellie :)

When I quit I had no idea how to live sober or even how to be an adult sober...but you learn - and there's tons of support & understanding here :)

there is life after addiction - you're not alone :)

D

Hi Ellie,
Welcome to SR

There is a solution ellie. You can find it here:
DIA - Meetings