I Screwed Up
 

My sobriety date was supposed to be yesterday. Maybe not the wisest date to choose, because I had to meet with an ex. It didn't end on good terms. Nothing to do with alcohol...we were just not very nice to each other. To be fair, he started it (ha ha). Anyway, I planned to have a coffee while I waited for him. Turned out to be a pint instead. Then after he left, I had another three. What stopped me? The price of getting another one. If they had been cheap, I probably would have had more. This is not an original story. Lots of people have to deal with this kind of situation...and it my case, kids weren't involved.

Today. Filled with hope. Out and about getting groceries and doing what needed to be done. Suddenly, a guy on a restaurant patio (accompanied by 3 friends) suddenly falls down, cracks his head on the pavement and begins to have a bit of a seizure and turn this red/purple colour. I whip out my phone and call 911. He insists that he's fine and can talk coherently to the operator. His friends decide not to get an ambulance because he says he just choked on a bit of food. Secretly, I think they should have. A concussion is not to be messed with. They did thank me though.

So. What do I do? I have a pint and now I have a bottle of wine waiting for me. I bought it to cook with (oh, sure). The desire in me to drink is so strong that I feel like tearing every little hair out of my head.

Am I venting or asking for advice? A little bit of both I think. Don't tell me to pour the wine down the sink cause I won't. (I need it for soup). How do you (personally) stop this spinning out of control thing? I just picture this guy's brain bleeding internally. Maybe I should have been more insistent about getting his friends to take him to the hospital.

Also, I don't want to leave the house ever again. There. I said it.

You do it by pouring the wine down the sink because it's the right thing to do. The fact that you think you NEED it to make soup is purely your addiction talking.

You do it by making a commitment to quit today, instead of planning a day in the future that most likely will never come.

You do it by surrendering to the fact that you cannot control your drinking, so the only solution is to not pick up the first drink.

You do it by seeking help via SR, AA, counseling, rehab, detox, or any combination of the above.

You picture this guy's brain bleeding?
How about picture your own brain for a minute. Your concern for others is admirable. Your concern for yourself needs a little more work.

OK.
The alcohol seem to be in charge so when the pain bothers you try try again. You'll be welcome.

BE WELL

The only time you can quit is now, this instant, this present moment. Fortunately for you, it is the best time to quit, too. Wanting to quit is not enough, it requires comitment and action. What are you going to do about this? Are you ready to make your plan about continuing to use alcohol?

The search for the "best time" to stop abusing any substance is pointless. There's really no such thing and it becomes a game of continuing to make excuses.
You should pour the wine in the toilet and find something else to cook for dinner. (and throw away that recipe).

I cautiously say this. Don't isolate yourself. Alcoholism is a disease of isolation. Out of shame on both ends, the alcoholic and those that care for them, there is shame, fear, all sorts of negative emoations. You need to have someone in your life you are truly able to reveal all to. A face to face support system. I think that has to be one of the most important things in any recovery.

Isolation is lonely. It produces negative feelings that makes an alcoholic want to drink, a drug addict want to use, an overeater want to eat, you see where this is going. You need a support system of someone who can truly understand what you are dealing with and support you.

Good luck and many blessings to you!

What an awful thing to witness, sounds like you have had a tough couple of days. I can only speak from experience( 6 days sober I think, I am trying not count) but I know that I would drink to anything, a happy experience, a sad experience, a stressful experience it's Tuesday, it's not Tuesday, each would validate my reason to get wasted, actually all I wanted to do was get wasted. I personally would never tell anyone what to do and it sounds like you have already decided, just know you have support here and people that not necessarily know what you are going through as we are all different, but I and I am sure others know how you are feeling.

I figured out a novel solution to this problem. Seriously, I don't want to get ratfaced tonight. What I'm going to do is make some garlic butter, mix that in with the wine and dump some tomatoes in there for good measure. Yeah, I'm an alcoholic, but there's no way I'm going to put that in a wine glass and drink it. I also have to Google a source for non-alcoholic wine. There. Problem solved.
God, I do hate this though.
That picture of the alcoholic brain is horrible, and I think about it all the time. I think about how my body isn't absorbing fats properly, which is essential for brain function. This may be too much information, but I couldn't leave the house today until I'd had no less than seven bouts of diarrhea. Try to eat when that stuff is going on. I actually had to get on my hands and knees for a good 10 minutes this afternoon to wait for the pain to pass JUST SO I COULD LEAVE THE HOUSE. Sounds groovy, huh?
I had no intention to get wasted today. The fact that he hit his head on the edge of a concrete sidewalk and turned bloody PURPLE really affected me. Call it an excuse or not. It really did affect me, and it made me realize that I need more...tools to help me when this stress hits.
I can't put this on my friends though. I can't go to AA (please don't ask me why yet). I wish there were...like - a Rent-A-Hug service or something!

Hi Avice - I think you're still making deals with your addiction - I did that too - the problem with that is that sooner or later my addiction got the better part of the deal....

Dump the wine and eat some nice yummy and non alcoholic soup tonight. What you saw today was horrible but it's no reason to mistreat yourself :)

D

Right Avice let's break it down

You want to get sober Avice I'm not trying to hurt your feelings but your in complete denial have you listened to yourself I've listened and then I've listened

Avice its excuse after excuse you either face up to it and finally face your addiction to alcohol and break the chains or drown in it. and pls no more excuses if I done it you can do it too pls trust me in knowing that

If you want it then go through WD no more alcohol whatsoever not for garlic butter not for depression its got the better of you

I want to see who the real you is without the alcohol talking

Your going to need help that's obvious and that's where everyone come in were all the same there is no shame just healthy happiness sounds like a dream right ?

Avice if I sound harsh I do apologise were here to help each other I only want to see you truly happy and well and I promise you if u get sober that's what's going to happen but ur never going to know until u get sober and stay sober

Stay in touch

Well Dee - I actually have another option for dinner. It's gotta be soup, though. My digestive system is going all haywire.
I do like cooking with wine though, so I really do need to find a source for the non-alcoholic kind. Drinking a non-alcoholic beer is a trigger for me. Putting non-alcoholic wine in a soup isn't. Does that make any sense?

Even if it makes sense, it's still an excuse. There are thousands of kinds of soup you can make that don't involve wine at all.

Bottom line you are in pretty heavy denial of your drinking Avice. You keep talking about relationships, health issues, diet, cooking, everything BUT drinking. The only solution is to stop drinking first - and then work on those other things later.

Soberwolf. I am definitely not in denial. No way. I know I have a huge problem.
However, I appreciate the fact that you want to see who the real me is without alcohol...and since I've had a few drinks tonight, I might as well sign off and make some soup. Get to bed early.
Thanks to everyone who replied...I'm really glad that this forum exists.

Just go to bed with the idea that you can end your addiction, anyone or thing that says otherwise is lying.

Please re read your posts in the morning. See how alcohol affects your judgement? There is a lot of support here- when you really want it.
Non alcoholic beers or wines will keep you on the merry go round of romanticizing having a drink. That's a slippery slope - in my opinion.

Avice, stay with us. Please post tommorrow so we can see how you are. Remember we are here for you.

Big hugs

I think a nice chicken stock, for example, would make a far better base and be far less astringent than any wine product, alcoholic or not :)

D

You know, the guy could be epileptic and used to this happening all the time.
Not sure why you can't go to AA (perhaps in a different town if you feel too 'known' in your own, but there is AA online if you needed added support for now, than SR :)

You're thinking, how I thought back when I first tried to stop drinking. I imagined having to cope with life's problems as I was feeling at the time - all anxious with withdrawals or a system full of booze. It's not like that though, or none of us would stay stopped. :)

Avice,

I agree that the last thing we should be talking about is soup. Why use wine at all? When I finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired I had to get all alcohol out of my life. No other problems mattered at all: friends, family, work, soup, nothing could interfere.

Looking back to your other thread, whatever your friend does or does not do can have anything to do with your sobriety. There can be no outside forces that have any influence on your sobriety. Don't even think of it as this big blanket term of sobriety. Think of it as not putting any more alcohol in your mouth or down your throat. I had to cut the booze first and work the rest out later.

All we have is now!
 

You only have today along with only having this very moment. You did all that was in your power to do regarding the incident and that's all that matters; you did your part.
Take a second and breath. Focus on one day at time; so simple yet we seem to make it that much more complicated.
Regarding your situation with your ex: "relationships can be a terribly painful area. We tend to fantasize and project what will happen. We get angry and resentful if our fantasies are not fulfilled"

Wow. A lot of stuff to address here. I'll just start from the start. I'm not in denial about my drinking. I didn't just buy that bottle of wine for the soup. I bought it because I had one drink after the incident with the guy bonking his head (he isn't epileptic - I overheard him on the phone with 911) and was overwhelmed with this crazy urge to keep drinking. So I bought wine. Like I said, I screwed up.

An excuse to drink? Yeah, I'm willing to buy that. I was genuinely rattled though.

Non alcoholic wine...for cooking...doesn't bother me at all. The variety I used to be able to find also contained salt, so you can't drink it. Cooking with that stuff is in no way a trigger for me. Drinking it? Ew. Out of the question. That statement may cause some controversy, but I'm telling the truth here. I cook with wine from time to time, but it is very dangerous to bring a bottle of regular wine home because I will drink it. No danger with the other stuff. Vanilla extract also contains alcohol sometimes, and I wouldn't drink that either.

So - how do I feel today? I feel like drinking. Immediately. Now. Fortunately, there's no alcohol in the house because I put tomatoes and garlic in it, so there you go.

Not feeling great about myself today, though. There's a very strong urge to give up for a while and come back later. When I'm ready. I realize how stupid that sounds, because I don't think I'll ever feel ready.

Hi Avice,
You are feeling frustrated. I get that, we all do. We have all been at day 1. Me, more times than I care to count. Make it day 1 and you don't have to feel like this again. Tomorrow
Will be day 2 and little by little you will begin to feel better.
Take soup off your menu for now, unless it comes in a can ;)
(((Hugs)))) you can do this

Quitting tomorrow is easy. I drank for ten years with plans of quitting tomorrow. It wasn't until I quit today that I had success. Sober today and have been for four years.

If you don't drink today, you are on your way to many more.

I had to get to the stage of not looking forward to the day I WANTED to quit drinking, I realised that day would never come either whilst I was still drinking, instead I had to look at the NEED to not drink in the here and now, what is alcohol doing to my life? what road is it leading me down?

Sobriety will turn that on it's head after a while, as we learn the benefits of leaving alcohol behind then in hindsight it will look like a great decision, but not from the viewpoint when still drinking, my mind didn't want me to quit either!!

We all needed to take a leap of faith and believe that alcohol was doing us no favours!! :)

Back again. Starting Day 3 sober. I would have posted, but I've felt too messed up over the past couple days.

Something occurred to me...I think that the guy falling down and having what appeared to be a seizure drove me to drink in part because I'm terrified of having a seizure from withdrawal myself...I live alone, which adds to the fear.

However, I did some research on the net to find out what kind of risk category I fall into, which made me feel somewhat better. Yesterday, I started having 'tongue shocks' and brain zaps whenever I turned my head. So...I gave myself permission to take up to 2mg of Xanax (4 of my pills). As it turned out, I only needed to take 0.5 and the brain zaps didn't come back.

So. No seizure. Day 3. I feel like I've been hit by a truck, but no brain zaps today.

By the way, I'm making CAULIFLOWER soup today.

Welcome back and congrats on day 3. Please be safe and see a doctor if your symptom worsen though, self medicating with benzos based on internet knowledge is a very risky proposition.

Scott, don't worry. I've been prescribed Xanax for quite a while. Never abused it - 0.5 mg is an extremely low dose.
I will go to the Dr. if anything weird happens though. Promise!