Trying to Start Over
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: California
Posts: 160
Trying to Start Over
So here I am trying again. I am formerly class of April 2013. I had gotten up to 5 months of sobriety and fell the day after. Those 5 months were the longest I had been sober in 13 years or so and I was doing great. I dropped about 40 lbs and was down to my ideal weight and gained a glow back in my face. I was excelling at work and never missed a day. I was beginning to see my son on occasion again. I got a couple of raises for my efforts, got my first car loan. I was becoming more clear minded and well rounded. I was learning some of my weaknesses and how to deal to some degree. Not everything was picture perfect, but I was beginning to learn about myself and the things I liked to do.
That 151st day of sobriety, I got into a fight with my husband - again. I made the conscious decision to go out and drink. This has become a compulsive habit for me over our years of roller coaster rides together. Well, that night I managed it pretty well, which gave me a false sense of security with the bottle and the rest is history.
So, I have been drinking again for about a year since. It seems necessary to ask "Why?" ...I suppose I missed the highs that I would get when you reach that elusive perfect portion. I was so depressed I wanted that short escape, and the more I drank the more I sought it. Everywhere I look, the bottle is romanticized and I feel left out of something desirable. Being an introvert, it gives me the liquid courage to talk to new people or friends I otherwise hadn't seen because I could never figure out how to socialize sober. I had been building up so much steam over the on and off fighting for the last couple of months and felt I had run out of ways to blow it off. I guess this boils down to it being a faulty coping mechanism. I need to counteract all of these thoughts, and I need to remember those counteractive thoughts when it matters the most. Funny how they are so fleeting when you need them the most. I still struggle with this. That is what worries me the most. I am not sure if I am equipped to succeed in the very long term.
In the last year, I have managed to gain back every ounce of weight I lost, Lose the self esteem that I had gained and nearly all motivation. I continue to hold down my job, but have been reprimanded for my tardiness and attendance. I am so very terribly angry all the time... and tired. Sick and tired of being sick and tired. Yet somehow I still continue to think somehow that I will be fine if I just drink "today." or "tomorrow" or "on the weekends only" and all of it is lies I tell myself and somehow believe. It is true what they say about the disease being cunning and baffling. A disease that uses your own mind against you.
I am remembering how there is nothing like waking up in the morning sober and well slept, free of those horrible, nagging depressive thoughts, feelings of dread to face the day ahead, and haunting remorse and guilt for... not always entirely sure what, but if I think really hard, and can piece together the blank spots, I am sure there is something! Soon those wretched feelings begin to engulf your life, in the slowest and most tormenting of ways.
Now, separated from my husband... again... for about a month now. I have since realized that we are both codependents, probably for most of our lives. The primal feelings of anguish and unbearable grief are subsiding since the initial separation. At first I was feeling like I couldn't breathe all of a sudden, like I was suffocating. Panic attacks maybe. Somehow I always felt that the sun rose and set with my husband - he held my world in my hands - it could start and stop and restart again all in one day. Sometimes my world would stop for weeks, and I gladly gave him that power, and at the sacrifice of myself. I have been reading Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, which brought me to tears when I realized how fitting it was and I opened my eyes to it. I am starting to pinpoint a lot of the underlying problems there between us and within myself. Detachment isn't easy, but I am trying. I am starting counseling for myself on Wednesday. I don't know if there is hope for us as a couple anymore, but I am hoping there is at least hope for me. I have lost a lot of trust for myself having failed so many times before, but I am trying to try again anyway. I haven't mustered up the strength to walk back into the AA rooms in town yet after disappearing for the last year, I could never find the courage to speak in there anyway, but at least I am writing this now. It is a step.
That 151st day of sobriety, I got into a fight with my husband - again. I made the conscious decision to go out and drink. This has become a compulsive habit for me over our years of roller coaster rides together. Well, that night I managed it pretty well, which gave me a false sense of security with the bottle and the rest is history.
So, I have been drinking again for about a year since. It seems necessary to ask "Why?" ...I suppose I missed the highs that I would get when you reach that elusive perfect portion. I was so depressed I wanted that short escape, and the more I drank the more I sought it. Everywhere I look, the bottle is romanticized and I feel left out of something desirable. Being an introvert, it gives me the liquid courage to talk to new people or friends I otherwise hadn't seen because I could never figure out how to socialize sober. I had been building up so much steam over the on and off fighting for the last couple of months and felt I had run out of ways to blow it off. I guess this boils down to it being a faulty coping mechanism. I need to counteract all of these thoughts, and I need to remember those counteractive thoughts when it matters the most. Funny how they are so fleeting when you need them the most. I still struggle with this. That is what worries me the most. I am not sure if I am equipped to succeed in the very long term.
In the last year, I have managed to gain back every ounce of weight I lost, Lose the self esteem that I had gained and nearly all motivation. I continue to hold down my job, but have been reprimanded for my tardiness and attendance. I am so very terribly angry all the time... and tired. Sick and tired of being sick and tired. Yet somehow I still continue to think somehow that I will be fine if I just drink "today." or "tomorrow" or "on the weekends only" and all of it is lies I tell myself and somehow believe. It is true what they say about the disease being cunning and baffling. A disease that uses your own mind against you.
I am remembering how there is nothing like waking up in the morning sober and well slept, free of those horrible, nagging depressive thoughts, feelings of dread to face the day ahead, and haunting remorse and guilt for... not always entirely sure what, but if I think really hard, and can piece together the blank spots, I am sure there is something! Soon those wretched feelings begin to engulf your life, in the slowest and most tormenting of ways.
Now, separated from my husband... again... for about a month now. I have since realized that we are both codependents, probably for most of our lives. The primal feelings of anguish and unbearable grief are subsiding since the initial separation. At first I was feeling like I couldn't breathe all of a sudden, like I was suffocating. Panic attacks maybe. Somehow I always felt that the sun rose and set with my husband - he held my world in my hands - it could start and stop and restart again all in one day. Sometimes my world would stop for weeks, and I gladly gave him that power, and at the sacrifice of myself. I have been reading Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, which brought me to tears when I realized how fitting it was and I opened my eyes to it. I am starting to pinpoint a lot of the underlying problems there between us and within myself. Detachment isn't easy, but I am trying. I am starting counseling for myself on Wednesday. I don't know if there is hope for us as a couple anymore, but I am hoping there is at least hope for me. I have lost a lot of trust for myself having failed so many times before, but I am trying to try again anyway. I haven't mustered up the strength to walk back into the AA rooms in town yet after disappearing for the last year, I could never find the courage to speak in there anyway, but at least I am writing this now. It is a step.
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
Hey NotSoIvory,
i remember you posting last year and i'm glad to see you .
I hope you go to the AA rooms if that what helped you last time , those people in there are just like you and me , y'know , trying to find a way to deal with it all .
I hope you have a sober day and get to wake up without a hangover , I hope you go to that meeting and get the help you need .
Be tenacious in helping yourself ,
hope to see another post from you soon ,
Bestwishes, m
i remember you posting last year and i'm glad to see you .
I hope you go to the AA rooms if that what helped you last time , those people in there are just like you and me , y'know , trying to find a way to deal with it all .
I hope you have a sober day and get to wake up without a hangover , I hope you go to that meeting and get the help you need .
Be tenacious in helping yourself ,
hope to see another post from you soon ,
Bestwishes, m
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi. I feel the pain in you as I and many have felt it also. Boy do I remember that feeling of being sick and tired of being sick and tired with the solution of giving up my best friend, in my alcoholic haze was no option for too long.
Then at some point I wanted to be more sober than drunk and went to work for it. That’s my remember when.
BE WELL
Then at some point I wanted to be more sober than drunk and went to work for it. That’s my remember when.
BE WELL
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Middle of Nowhere, Canada
Posts: 144
NSI, congratulations on stepping back and knowing that the path you were headed down again is not for you. There is so much bravery in the decision to take your life back into your hands.
It sounds like you've identified where some of your "needs improvements" are, and that is an amazing place to start repairs.
Recommit, refocus, re-engage your priorities. You did 5 months, you can do it again and better.
It sounds like you've identified where some of your "needs improvements" are, and that is an amazing place to start repairs.
Recommit, refocus, re-engage your priorities. You did 5 months, you can do it again and better.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: perth Western Australia
Posts: 132
sounds like my story... so relate to the wonderful sober time, improving everything, the relapse, and the slide back into weight gain, work issues, anxiety , blackout, guilt remorse, no motivation. the torment of what drinking brings once you've been sober is awful because you know a different way.
Welcome back.... let us move forth back to sober where life is great again
Welcome back.... let us move forth back to sober where life is great again
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