Jupiters

truer words have not been spoken.

alumni

An important part of what you've described is your current combination of drugs and alcohol. While overdosing on alcohol is not a frequent occurrence, combining it with drugs like opioids, barbs and benzos is different. It's dangerous.
Also, among the many alcoholics/addicts I've worked with, I've yet to see one who had people around them who did not know something was amiss with their behavior. It all folds into the denial mechanism that contributes to the "highly functioning" misnomer.
I think you should break from the isolation you are describing and reach out to the support that is all around you, from professionals, recovering abusers and loved ones. You'll be surprised at the help that's available.

PurpleKnight

Yeap, that was my life too, living for the evenings after work until I could drink!!

But how sad it was that I could find no other joy or happiness in any other part of my life, my purpose was found in a glass every night!!

"Functioning" merely concealed the inevitable downward spiral into chaos I was on, that train was going to crash sooner or later, but I chose to get off a few stops back!!

You can too!!

budlight

You and I are the same. Friends and family have no idea that we are alcoholics because we hold down professional careers. But what we are can also be a hinder to getting help. I was highly recruited out of college and still highly recruited in the technology field. I get calls everyday because I am so good at what I do. The reason you and I haven't gotten help sooner is because we can coast on our abilities alone without having to be filly committed or put much effort in our jobs. This allows us to continue our lives without any major drawbacks of our problems. That is almost a curse because since we have not hit rock bottom we haven't sought out help. Sadly people think if you are still holding down a job that you don't "really" have a problem. We need to get help NOW before we hit the bottom! We need to stop hiding behind our ability to disguise it and get the help we need before it destroys us.

Mcribb

I had lots of irons in the fire because booze and drugs was a simple way to cope with something. Crush out 14 hour workdays then medicate myself. I didn't have to deal with any of my issues because I could numb myself. Then I had to do booze and drugs more because the feelings were seeping in. Then one day ...too much. I had to cut back on my work to start dealing with life.

FreeOwl

^exactly. I am also in tech.

I am surrounded by people who are "highly functional" but also abuse alcohol daily. There is an entire subset of the industry - and in my experience almost ANY industry that includes sales - where the culture of booze is rampant.

For years I've seen it be 'acceptable' that people walk into 10am meetings reeking of booze, bleary-eyed and clearly hungover... but it's accepted because they're 'talented'. They're charismatic or they're great at selling or they can code like crazy.

I myself spent years doing much of my work over gallons of booze... working late nights fueled by beer and wine along my fellow consultants. And nobody ever once mentioned "hey man... you think maybe you have a problem?". Nope... just got promoted and issued raises and commendations. Because despite my obvious abuse of alcohol, I was valued. And I worked alongside many others in exactly the same boat.

These days, I wonder what amazing things we could have been capable of had we not been half drunk all those years....

budlight

I ask myself this all the time. I tried to get away from the IT guys because they drank so much. I took up golf but guess what? Half of them are drunks too. I'm backing up and trying to take a different path now.

quitforme79

I lived a double life as well. I tried to quit a few times on my own but despite my education and life knowledge I couldn't intellectualize my way out of alcoholism. I went to AA, got a sponsor and work the steps. I can't explain how freeing and joyful it is to just be living one life. An awesome, sober one. You just have to try it yourself to see

MelindaFlowers

Mrrryah,

I just wanted to respond to what you wrote above. I heard something on Dr. Laura's radio show in May, just before I quit and it was a turning point in my relationship with alcohol. It was very simple but the call went like this:

Caller: "I can't be happy without alcohol in my life."

Dr. Laura: "But you aren't happy with alcohol in your life."

I think I am getting the quotation correct. Anyways, I was driving when I heard that and I think I said "Wow" out loud in the car. I think it's what Oprah calls and "ah-ha" moment.

I didn't think I could be happy without drinking but what I had not considered was that I was no longer happy while I was drinking. What a thought, huh? Drinking maybe made me feel "normal," but if my normal was feeling like complete and utter _______ then I really needed a new normal.

We think the drugs or alcohol are making us happy but they aren't. In the end, I figured that I could not possibly be any more unhappy sober than I was while drinking. In the end I was unhappy all the time. So I've given sobriety a shot, two months now, and I'm feeling much better actually.

I can completely relate to your post. White collar professional, excellent reviews at work, perfect attendance, and nightly blackout alcoholic. Or was, I should say. The time stop is now. If I can do it, you can too. I didn't know if I could or would last a day. You have to want it bad enough. I quit while I was ahead. I hadn't lost my job (yet) or my car (yet) or family. Quit now while you're still ahead.