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Surrender

Old 08-31-2014, 02:58 PM
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Surrender

It's a fact. I am an alcoholic, and always have been. As such, I cannot drink in moderation.

It's a fact that I've tried to disprove countless times.

Today, after waking up once again with a ruthless hangover after drinking nearly a fifth of bourbon and 7 beers, I decided to stop this game and surrender to the fact that my only route to equilibrium and happiness is that I cannot drink anymore, ever.

No more trying to convince myself that I can have just a couple and stop. No more trying to say that I need to be able to have the ability to join in with the drinks while out with others in order to fit in. No more thinking that if I can't drink, then how can I have fun.

It feels like a weight has been lifted by surrendering to this fact. I know it will be so much easier to manage daily life by getting this liquid entirely out of my life, rather than needlessly hanging on to the illusion that I should be able to have drinks in order to feel "normal" and like the rest of the world. If I allow myself to think I can have some alcohol, I will end up having as much as I can.

Case in point, last night. Thursday, after 2 days of purposefully quitting, I thought once again that I should be able to have just a couple, like it is my right or something. So I went out and bought a bottle of wine, and did just that - had two glasses. But then Friday night, I started out with that intention, and ended up staying up until nearly 3am, drinking about 14 drinks. Then yesterday, it all went out the window like it normally does, and I proceeded to have a regular Saturday of drinking all day long (shots of bourbon and beers), to the point of nearly 20 drinks.

It goes without saying the couple of days I describe above that I consider a pretty typical description of my regular drinking patterns probably would never even cross the mind of a person who enjoys a couple beers every now and then. And too, a person who just has a beer or a glass of wine with dinner would probably die from alcohol poisoning if they were to drink nearly 20 drinks in a night. It's not a proud thing to have developed such a tolerance that allows me to drink so much. It just means that I'm a total lush.

So, I am thankful for the moment of raw truth that I surrendered to this morning. I am done with this alcoholic way of life, waking up with such horrible hangovers, and wasting my Sundays by being lazy because I feel so unmotivated and horrible, because Saturdays, without fail, were always the day of the week I would drink the heaviest.

I've quit for years on end twice before, but this time, I am going to recover, instead of just quit.

So the other thing I thought very deeply about this morning is why, for a cumulative total of 12 years of my 36-year-old life, have I drank so heavily? What makes me want to drink so much alcohol and then tolerate feeling so crappy the next morning? What makes me drink so much knowing that half the time, I will completely black out and pass out on the couch?

I mean, through viewing it with unabashed logic, heavy drinking of this sort is completely unhealthy and illogical! It goes against everything that the body and mind are designed to do. If there were an owner's manual for the human body/mind, similar to an owner's manual for a car, it would never say "drink 10 beers a day for optimum health and happiness"!

What it comes down to is that I realize I drank like I did to escape and run away from my own mind. I have severe OCD and also depression that stems from the OCD, and have ever since I was about 7 years old. For those who don't have experience with OCD, it is a horrible disorder that I wouldn't wish upon anyone.

But being drunk would numb it a bit, kind of like somewhat escaping from it for a while. So aside from being at work (I never drank before work), I would just try to stay drunk most of the time while at home, and when going out when I knew I didn't have to drive.

The human owner's manual I mention above would surely say that it is not possible for a man to stay drunk most of the time without eventually having many adverse side effects, just like if you don't follow the instructions in a car owner's manual and never change the oil. Eventually, the engine will wear out, and the car will break down.

So I am going to follow that hypothetical "owner's manual", and stop now, not only for my mental well-being, but to prevent adverse physical health effects. Even though I don't feel any symptoms of anything physically wrong, my level of drinking has made me increasingly worried that I am going to put too much wear on my liver and other internal organs if I continue drink.

It's really sad and ridiculous and is evidence of just how messed up alcoholism can be when I feel the need to check my eyes in the mornings just to make sure they're not starting to turn yellow (which would be a symptom of jaundice associated with cirrhosis of the liver). I know I'm not at that point yet, but I certainly don't want to get to the point of cirrhosis!

And if that's how bad this addiction can get and how it can overtake someone so much, that one can drink so much for so long to the point where their liver doesn't work properly anymore, then there are just no words to describe how powerful of a hold alcohol can have on a person.

Once again, logic says that the liver is a pretty important thing! It would say that no amount of pleasure or escapism provided by the continuous use and effect of alcohol could be worth the pain and suffering that would result from something like cirrhosis.

But alcohol paints an illusion in my mind that defies all logic, like I'm always trying to recapture some past fleeting moment of pleasure while drinking, and that it's like the most important thing in the world to continue to regain again.

So I'm going to surrender to logic today and do what is best for me: stop drinking forever and allow myself to recover, and not just quit drinking.

What this means for me is to free myself from the toxic influence of alcohol, so that I may open up my mind fully, accept it, and not run from it. Without the numbing influence of alcohol, I will be able to work on managing my OCD better, and getting to the point where it has far less impact on my overall well-being.

Luckily, last weekend, I found some resources that will help me with this process. I have a lot of work to do to get to the point where OCD will sit more in the background of life rather than at the forefront, but I will get there!

Bottom line, I am very grateful that I have made the decision to recover, and not try to fool myself any longer - that's a big hurdle in and of itself. Now, the work begins to transform myself into where I want to be, and that is happy! I know I will always have to maintain constant vigilance and realize that the craving to drink comes from my alcoholism and addictive part of my brain, and is not my true voice. When I can continually practice listening to logic and my true self, then I know over time the cravings to drink will lessen, but I know I have to accept that they will never totally go away.

So recovery, here I come! This time, you are being welcomed and embraced.

Thank you to everyone for allowing for this place to share and learn.
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Old 08-31-2014, 03:01 PM
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I just want to say thank you first and foremost

Glad to meet you

Good luck on your road to recovery
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Old 08-31-2014, 03:10 PM
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Welcome to SR sublimeami!

All that you shared was true for me too. I fought very hard to be a social drinker. I was so afraid to let go of it - always hoping for it to be manageable and fun again. Those days were never coming back - I was drinking alcoholically every day. I was beginning to do dangerous and self-destructive things. I was driving everyone away. Coming to SR was such a relief to me. I now had others who understood (no one in my life had a problem with alcohol). It meant everything to be relieved of the anxiety of being alone with the problem.

I'm glad you found us and that you've made this decision to reclaim your life. We are with you.
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Old 09-01-2014, 10:25 AM
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HI. I know when I first tried to get sober I complicated most everything. I constantly needed to remind myself of KISS.
I started to think simply that I cannot drink in safety. Mine and others! Then the work of getting sober and STAYING sober started by simply not picking up the first drink even if my A$$ falls off. Simple, not always easy.

BE WELL
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Old 09-01-2014, 10:39 AM
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Originally Posted by IOAA2 View Post
HI. I know when I first tried to get sober I complicated most everything. I constantly needed to remind myself of KISS.
I started to think simply that I cannot drink in safety. Mine and others! Then the work of getting sober and STAYING sober started by simply not picking up the first drink even if my A$$ falls off. Simple, not always easy.

BE WELL
What is KISS? I am not familiar with the acronym.
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Old 09-01-2014, 11:11 AM
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KISS = Keep It Simple Stupid.
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