Back on the roller coaster but determined to get off at the next stop!
 

So, I had weeks of sobriety and then screwed up. I thought I would never be so stupid to get back to this position again....The first day. I lost my sober mojo and nothing seemed worthwhile without a drink in the evening. I think I even convinced myself I was getting DT's just an about an hour before I usually start drinking. I flicked in and out of SR and all the guilt and anxiety came back 100 times worse than it had ever been. My mind skipping from one destructive thought to the next and the only way to stop it was to drink. Sure it I felt better while I was intoxicated, but it wore off pretty quick and I have been waking up around 2am with my heart racing and all sorts of stupid thoughts going on. I feel I have now found that sober mojo again and the thought of drinking disgusts me. I want to feel that peace again and wake up feeling like I can accomplish anything. Not, feeling guilty and lost, scared. Feeling like today may be the day I die and leave my kids. A very lovely friend who has 10 years of sobriety, told me the pivotal moment for her was when she no longer felt the shame of being an alcoholic. That is when she was able to reach out for help. She said to me that she still had slip ups, but the guilt and shame was no longer there and she was able to get right back onto sobriety. It isn't a dirty shame to have this illness.


So, I am on day one and am looking forward to waking up tomorrow and feeling less anxious, ill and scared. I'm taking milk thistle for my liver discomfort with is thankfully only sporadic. I am on my own today with my kids and trying not to freak out mentally. Trying to hold it together for their sake and not google every symptom I'm getting. I know from my sober diary these feeling will pass after a few days.

Good luck to everyone back on day one or to those of you who are doing really well with your sobriety
:c011:

Hi. Hang in therebecause you know that being sober is so much better and it gets better and better. It helped me to constantly think in the beginning "If I don't pick up the first drink I won't have to TRY to get sober AGAIN."

BE WELL

If you made it weeks without drinking before, you KNOW you can get there again. And weeks turn into months, and years. It all starts with those very difficult first few days. I did the exact same thing when I was trying to get sober, go a few weeks, then lapse. It feels great with that alcohol going through your system, but, like you said, it lets you down hard. Those early morning wake ups were just horrible for me.
This is not a failure, just a learning experience. One small incident. As you know, that that damn AV trying to get you to drink never lets up, it is a tough battle, but so worth it, as you know. Best of Luck, Be Strong, Post here often.

Thanks guys. You're right Normar, I think I used the fact I am in early days to laps. My AV saying to me I was not that bad with my drinking career, I was not drinking during the day or getting arrested. But the hell was the other symptoms and I know full well its a progressive illness which end us all up at rock bottom. I got arrogant and thought I needed the drink in order to function, when In fact because of the anxiety it caused me the next day, I could not function AT ALL! Then all the gastric symptoms coming back.....so NOT worth it. I THINK the first few days are always horrific and can only get worse if I choose to continue and stop, continue and stop. I read somewhere that people feel the detox gets worse if you have too many lapses.

Roll on Sunday afternoon. Planning a nice walk with my girls later. Bit of fresh air, well as fresh as it gets in London ;). Thanks for your advice

Tiffyw12, I've had a recent setback as well too. I think the important thing is not to punish yourself or dwell on it. You can only change things if you keep moving forward. That means using the tools that are available, and keeping your mind and heart focused on the goal at hand.

AV is always going to be there, like a bad boyfriend. Just don't return his phone calls ;)

Enjoy your walk today :) nothing more healing than meditating feet on Earth.

AV is always going to be there, like a bad boyfriend. Just don't return his phone calls

Lol Mangoes, thanks for this, it did make me chuckle. Keeping focused on the positive is something you loose when you are all consumed with booze. All of your waking moments are mostly fogged thinking about that next drink. I'm sitting here now listening to a little bird outside singing its heart out. The beautiful sound is humbling and intoxicating. Its little pleasures like this that could change a chance encounter with the AV. I just have to notice those little things more to drown out the AV pathetic reasoning in the back of my mind to drink and all will be ok. It wont and it never will. I back on it and want to achieve quitting booze for good. It occurred to me last night that I had gone my whole childhood and teenage life, where I experienced some horrific episodes due to a parental addiction. I got through it all without the need to self medicate. When I thought about my coping mechanisms it was the little things, like thinking about watching a good film or taking a long walk on a windy day. Listening to nature, playing with a pet, laughing with friends. As an adult alcoholic all I would think is drinking to take the stresses away.

So, one of my plans is to always have a reason to be happy. It may just work.

I prefer to think of my AV as a bad girlfriend, very tempting and seductive, but I know I will hate myself in the morning.

The times I would lapse, the taste of the liquor going down my throat was so good, immediate relief, followed by instant regret for having drank it. Then get hammered to block out the regret, and here we go......Your using a Roller Coaster as an example of what you are going through is an excellent comparison.

The AV as an alluring seductive sucubus! That's the image I'm moving forward with...*shudders* away demoness! You taken enough from me already! :fright:

Ah yes, alcohol the fear killer.

Glad you are back - keep getting after it!!!

There is a 24h thread that deals with all the things your feeling right now

Best of luck I know you can do this because I done it

All the best keep posting and hang in there

Thanks everyone. You are all so insightful and supportive. Went for a long walk with the kids and felt better. Now its my witching hour, usually start to drink about now. But, I just don't feel like it. Early days and I'll be ready for that abusive call from my AV. Have a good day/evening all of you ��

Glad you're back Tiffy :)
any other ideas on what you might do differently this time?

D

Hi Dee, I think I missed the opportunity to see my Doc and get referred to a psych. Once the anxiety went, I should have made a break and gone to see her. I think I may be borderline bi-polar, so getting the relevant help now is my only hope of not using booze to cover up. Once I start to feel better, physically and all health anxieties have calmed down. I am going to make an appt and also see my local alcohol support service. ;)

SOBERWOLF, where can I find the 24th thread. Still trying to navigate around the site ;)

many of us had relapses before we were able to find our way to solid, happy, well-tended sobriety.

and all of us are just one thought, one 'maybe this time', one 'I think I've got this licked' away from relapse every day.

let go your shame and guilt. don't use the 'it happens' as an excuse; own that you made a mistake and reinforce to yourself that it is NOT consistent with the joyous sober life you wish to live. but then, let go and turn your focus to the joyous sober life you wish to live!!!

we create more of what we focus on - so, focus now on sobriety, not on the mistake.

you can do this.

:ring

Yes Soberowl, that 'it happens' can become such an easy way to relapse without the preemptive guilt taking the first drink. I have now run out of reasons to drink. So if I make that mistake again, it would be incredibly selfish of me. I cant let my kids grow up on this rollercoaster too. Thanks for the advice. ��