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It happened just like that

Old 08-30-2014, 06:43 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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I will do just that Venecia, it will be much longer than the love list for sure. I won't start typing it out now because I want to give it serious thought and make sure the list is complete. I will post it here later when I am done. Thank you.
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Old 08-30-2014, 06:45 AM
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That is the key. I had to stop drinking and NEEDED to quit when I was 18. I did not WANT to quit more than anything until I was 38. You say in post #16 that you can't drink anymore and that you need to quit but for me that was not enough.

I am an alcoholic. I had to desire quitting more than ANY.THING. Needing to is really not relevant to me. Knowing it and doing it ARE two different things. I knew for 20 years before I did anything about it.

I will say, thought, when I was ready to get sober, NOTHING could stop me. I have an amazing life now at five years sober. But I had to be ready and willing to do it. THAT is where the rub is, because for decades I was not. Not really. I only thought about it.

Glad you are here.
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Old 08-30-2014, 06:53 AM
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I understand your feelings completely.

You are mourning a way of life that you romanticize. You are trying to break a habit. You are grieving the loss of a "friend" who turned on you. It's like a bad breakup - remembering the cuddles under the covers but forgetting the time you were pushed down the stairs. Same process in the brain.

Lots of people struggle with this - probably every one who posted in this thread struggled to quit. I know Carl recently had a relapse after years of sobriety - so we all get it.

Don't think for a moment that we didn't struggle too. Read Dee74's story and you will feel connection to him. All of us fought this. I tried every moderation trick in the book for a couple years before I ended up on my knees begging God to help me. It is a huge undertaking.

That said, you can do it. You are doing it. One day at a time. I think you are amazingly introspective and self-aware. You want this, and you're trying all kinds of ways to make it work. I believe you will succeed. I'm on your side, I'm really glad you're here and that you are posting your struggle. It will help someone. It helped me today.
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Old 08-30-2014, 06:55 AM
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Wonderful Meravigliosa, these happened "just like that" events are definitely learning points, aren't they? I, too, had a recent experience like that and when I did some soul searching I realized that I was still DENYING myself the drink. It's so much better to come to the decision that I WANT sobriety.
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Old 08-30-2014, 06:58 AM
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Originally Posted by biminiblue View Post
I understand your feelings completely.

You are mourning a way of life that you romanticize. You are trying to break a habit. You are grieving the loss of a "friend" who turned on you. It's like a bad breakup - remembering the cuddles under the covers but forgetting the time you were pushed down the stairs. Same process in the brain.

Lots of people struggle with this - probably every one who posted in this thread struggled to quit. I know Carl recently had a relapse after years of sobriety - so we all get it.

Don't think for a moment that we didn't struggle too. Read Dee74's story and you will feel connection to him. All of us fought this. I tried every moderation trick in the book for a couple years before I ended up on my knees begging God to help me. It is a huge undertaking.

That said, you can do it. You are doing it. One day at a time. I think you are amazingly introspective and self-aware. You want this, and you're trying all kinds of ways to make it work. I believe you will succeed. I'm on your side, I'm really glad you're here and that you are posting your struggle. It will help someone. It helped me today.

This was really touching, thank you so much, i needed those kind words. I do want this, please know I do. I am all by myself today so I have plenty of time to think on this and am really going to try to get my mindset going in a new direction.
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Old 08-30-2014, 06:58 AM
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LOL, Mera, you said the same thing about the breakup/romanticizing etc.

You've got it!
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Old 08-30-2014, 07:09 AM
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SR and communities like it are chuck full of people are going through the same break up and people who went through the break up . We were all burnt by the same toxic relationship and the sincere among them are extremely empathetic and want to help by sharing experiences and making observations, not critiquing the experiences of others.

We are here to stand by your decision. I see or feel such positivity in your posts, A real can do attitude, you can do this , you got this !
Wish you well
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Old 08-30-2014, 07:17 AM
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I was so on guard in early recovery like bruce Lee would have been Impressed lol

Funny that I've seen this as I was mentioning about being selfish in order to get sober just yesterday with the emphasis being on self I say this because you got to find what your triggers are how to deal with them so you get selfish by focusing on yourself to get well

Really like reading your posts
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Old 08-30-2014, 07:22 AM
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Originally Posted by FreeOwl View Post
Just "steering clear" on the one hand seems to help, but on the other hand means that what I'm doing is avoiding, versus re-wiring myself.
This is a great point and I agree. We (I) need to be able to be in situation where alcohol is around and offered and be able to say NO. It's empowering and liberating. The flip side is that until you feel you are ready, you should probably avoid it. I've had. few situations where alcohol was around and offered in my now 12 days of sobriety. I obsessed over the situation and rehearsed in my mind how I would handled them. when I did, it was a powerful feeling.

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Old 08-30-2014, 07:26 AM
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There is a book called "The Secret" by Rhonda Byrne which talks about the law of attraction and how we attract what we fear and we get what we expect. Anyone else read this book??
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Old 08-30-2014, 07:38 AM
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Originally Posted by FreeOwl
Just "steering clear" on the one hand seems to help, but on the other hand means that what I'm doing is avoiding, versus re-wiring myself.

Originally Posted by pakman View Post
This is a great point and I agree. We (I) need to be able to be in situation where alcohol is around and offered and be able to say NO. It's empowering and liberating. The flip side is that until you feel you are ready, you should probably avoid it. I've had. few situations where alcohol was around and offered in my now 12 days of sobriety. I obsessed over the situation and rehearsed in my mind how I would handled them. when I did, it was a powerful feeling.

pakman
I'm going to respectfully disagree again. (Really, I'm not argumentative!)

Yes, there will be times when we'll be exposed to alcohol.

But it takes time to rewire our brains -- our poor brains and psyches have been battered by alcohol. Early in recovery, we need to be kind to our brains and our psyches. Putting ourselves into situations where we'll be surrounded by alcohol runs contrary to serving that need.

Empowerment and liberation are still a ways away this early in recovery. For anyone at the starting gate, I highly recommend living in the much-elevated state of alert I mentioned in my previous post.

I still live in a state of alert. Not red, but surely not green, either. It's one of the things that helped me get to a year of sobriety a couple weeks back, but I'm always mindful, always aware. That's one of the realities of a life in recovery -- you're always going to be one drink away from the self-destruct button.

But you know what? I can live with that and I want to stay in it. It is so much better than living in the non-stop wreckage of alcoholism.
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Old 08-30-2014, 07:48 AM
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You're gonna get this, Mera. As I've told you before, you want it too badly to not get it. It's just figuring out the way to get there that's best for you. We can sit here all day and tell you what worked for us, etc., but the bottom line is you have to decide the way that fits best in your life. But first you have to accept wholeheartedly that alcohol is no longer an option for you.

And therein lies the mourning.

I completely understand romanticizing alcohol & being pissed that you have to give it up. I get the break-up and the mourning period - been there & done it too many times to count. Everyone on this board does (or has) - trust me. Some people get it right off the bat (the lucky, rare ones) and others take longer. For me I've been "seriously" trying since Oct. of last year. It's only now, 10 months later, that I'm ready. I've surrendered completely. I'm no longer clinging to abstinence. I've finally, thankfully, embraced sobriety.

It can be a process if you let it - one step forward, two steps back. I personally found that way to be exhausting on both a physical and mental level. Or you can chose to sever all ties completely. I love the analogy someone else mentioned of breaking up with an abusive boyfriend/girlfriend. For me that's the main trick that has helped this time. Just those subtle changes in my thinking. Romance vs. reality is a huge help. Well that and complete surrender.

I'll say it again. You're going to get there, Mera. You want it too badly to not. Keep up the fight. We're all here with you, rooting you on!

Hugs!
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Old 08-30-2014, 07:50 AM
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I have romanced the idea too. Cognitively it helps to realize you are not your thoughts and don't need to act on them. This is what the AVRT technique is doing with identifying an AV. For me, I needed someone to talk things through early on. A sponsor helped be this ear in the early months.

I needed to identify before the relapse vs. after. For me 3D support helped with this but that was just me. As I built great sober muscles I was able to deal with bigger things regarding my own recovery. For the first few months though it was about surviving without a drink or drug. This meant an awful diet with tons of sugar, chain smoking in the first few weeks (quit a month in), AA meetings, tons of posts here, reading books, being honest with those around me o create accountability. About three of four months my needs changed and so did my program.
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Old 08-30-2014, 08:03 AM
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I just wanted to say, can you eliminate another bad habit but one that is not so bad?

After I quit drinking, I quit anything with aspartame (NutraSweet). It is in things like Diet Coke and Diet Pepsi and it's really bad for the health. In fact, it makes you never feel full so Diet Coke actually makes people gain weight.

Anyhow, I quit it about 2 weeks after I quit alcohol.

Now when I go out, that is my naughty habit and it seems to be working.

At home I only have Zevia soda which is sweetened with Stevia. Most alternative diet sodas are sweetened with Sucralose or Splenda which also has issues. Zevia is the one soda sweetened with Stevia. It tastes okay and I've got my husband also drinking it.

My point is we have an alcohol and aspartame ban in our house, meaning we just don't have it in the house.

So last night, I took my girls to the drugstore and after we did our shopping we wanted something cold to drink. This drugstore sells wine and hard liquor. Tons of wine and bottles of vodka, gin, rum and etc.

I got a Diet Coke. That was my evil treat. It seems to be working as maybe I'm just a rebel without a cause, I don't know, but it seems to work.

It's the lesser of 2 evils.

Maybe it's silly but I just got it into my mind that that would be my new "treat".

And I am sitting outside a dry cleaners waiting for it to open at 8am because I forgot to bring my sons dressy clothes to the cleaners and he has a semi-formal event to go to today. I could never have gotten out of bed this early on a Saturday if I had chosen a bottle of wine last night.

But, that said, I had a horrid Diet Coke addiction. I just love it and I know it is bad news. So it was a big addiction. You may not have any other bad habit to kick but I thought I would throw it out there as an idea. Just to find another reward.
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Old 08-30-2014, 08:25 AM
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Ambivalence

I've been to my physicals - We're you honest about your drinking?

I'm going to my doctor and will be honest - You haven't done this yet

I'm going to an AA meeting - You haven't done this

I make plans for drinking situations I can't avoid - In 5 years of sobriety there has never been a situation that I could not avoid. There has been some I choose to attend but none I had to go to.

The alcoholic views themselves through the eyes of their intentions the world views them through the eyes of their action's.

I believe you are serious about your recovery but it is what we do that makes a difference not what we plan to do. I always view my actions through this filter. Is this action or inaction moving me toward sobriety or away.
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Old 08-30-2014, 08:27 AM
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That is a great idea soberjuly, but I don't have anything else to really get rid of except smoking. I want to quit that too, but I just don't have the mind space to tackle both right now. I eat healthy, don't drink sodas, don't eat much sugar....

I think today I have realized the key to my success will be changing my mindset on this. I cannot think of this as a loss anymore. I can't let myself feel deprived or as if I am missing out on anything. I have to face this in a more positive way. Which is funny, when I first started posting here I thought I was being positive. But I see now I was faking it to make it, I need a real, true shift inside. That is where I need to put my concentration now. That is more than just posting positive thoughts. This must be internal. I'm not there yet, I know that. I am going to continue fighting this from right now though, but I have to be prepared for the fact that until I make that shift inside I might, and most likely will, fail.
Thank you everyone, this has been extraordinarily helpful to me in identifying the root of my roadblock. I am not ready to quit..... quitting I am going to focus the bulk of my energy on changing my mindset. I think that the healthiest way to go about that is to go ahead and mourn, go ahead and be sad and angry and go straight through those emotions to the other side. Avoiding these feelings will do little other than push them aside only to have them rear their ugly head at a later time.
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Old 08-30-2014, 08:33 AM
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Originally Posted by MIRecovery View Post
Ambivalence

I've been to my physicals - We're you honest about your drinking?
***Yes, 100%
I'm going to my doctor and will be honest - You haven't done this yet
***I did go see a specialist but was refused treatment as I could not find anyone to sign for the medications. (I asked a number of people, including having my boyfriend show up for the appointment to get the medications only to be left at the doorstep when he ran away thinking he saw a car he recognized) But I do plan on seeing my family doctor as soon as I can get an appointment.
I'm going to an AA meeting - You haven't done this
***There is only one a week here, as soon as Tuesday night, 10:00pm arrives, consider it done
I make plans for drinking situations I can't avoid - In 5 years of sobriety there has never been a situation that I could not avoid. There has been some I choose to attend but none I had to go to.
***fair play. That said, I could choose not to go to a business lunch, but choose to instead for financial motivations.

The alcoholic views themselves through the eyes of their intentions the world views them through the eyes of their action's.

I believe you are serious about your recovery but it what we do that makes a difference not what we plan to do. I always view my actions through this filter. Is this action or inaction moving me toward sobriety or away.

Thanks for your post. You are right, I've done a lot of talking and not much action. That said, I did feel the need to clarify a few issues as noted above.
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Old 08-30-2014, 08:47 AM
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Thumbs up

Take a look at the book called "The Secret" if you can. I don't hold much with the self help books but this one points out how you can change your thinking a little. I do personally believe that you quite often get what you expect in this life. I know if I walk in the door to work and think "this is going to be a god awful day" then invariably it is a rotten day
My own thinking is all over the place at the moment but I still delve into this book from time to time. Its just a thought based on what others have said. Expect yourself to succeed and see if that helps rather than seeing relapse as a forgone conclusion.
I don't think the book is very expensive. I picked mine up from a charity shop for a fiver once it was no longer flavour of the month. Best of luck to you and please keep posting. You have the gift of expressing yourself through writing. Jude
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Old 08-30-2014, 01:38 PM
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Originally Posted by Meraviglioso View Post
That is a great idea soberjuly, but I don't have anything else to really get rid of except smoking. I want to quit that too, but I just don't have the mind space to tackle both right now. I eat healthy, don't drink sodas, don't eat much sugar....


Many years ago it was suggested for a person with difficulty getting sober to eat sugary items when the desire to drink is strong. The sugar is needed to replace that which the alcohol supplied. It doesn’t need be a practice for a long period, just until the body adjusts. Another suggestion is to drink a lot of fluids during the time of the day that we drank as we might just be thirsty.
These ideas naturally depend on individual needs.

I’ll add that I had to recognize my romanticizing drinking for several months after I stopped drinking and start remembering all the pain drinking brought instead. It’s called “REMEMBER WHEN.”

BE WELL
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Old 08-30-2014, 02:04 PM
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Read the first two chapters of the book Alcoholics Anonymous

The Doctors Opinion & Bill's Story

Free PDF downloads all over the net

About 30 mins reading will tell you more about yourself than a decade of therapy.
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