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Old 08-29-2014, 09:37 AM   #1 (permalink)
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An ultimatum


Hi - first post here. I've been trying to quit drinking with limited success in the past little while. I had a friend over last night and he walked out because I wanted a beer before dinner. Yes, it is a big deal because I was plenty drunk already and it was pretty late to be eating dinner.
He sent an angry email when he got home basically stating that he's tried to help me as much as possible (he has), but until I can stop drinking he wants nothing to do with me.
I feel like he has a right to feel that way, but I also feel like he's trying to control me and of course I hate to feel controlled. I feel pretty crappy about myself today, but I need to respond. I just don't know what to say.
Any thoughts?
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Old 08-29-2014, 09:41 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Your friend has stated a boundary, a guideline for himself to make sure he is taking care of himself, though I can see why you'd see it as an 'ultimatum'.

You don't have to do anything about it, you don't even have to respond. All of our choices have consequences, I think your friend is just letting you know that he isn't going to put anymore time and effort into the relationship as it stands. It's his right.
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Old 08-29-2014, 09:45 AM   #3 (permalink)
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The choice you have is deciding which friend you would rather have but If you choose alcohol be prepared for the loss of many others.

Unfortunately alcoholism only gets worse and the people who love you will only tolerate so much
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Old 08-29-2014, 09:51 AM   #4 (permalink)
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yup - these are the unfortunate consequences of our drinking. You can't quit "for" him either - it has to be for you.
But he also has the right to set his own boundaries and obviously, he's making them now.
I wouldn't even respond today, but would do some serious self searching. You'll probably react out of anger right now anyways.
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Old 08-29-2014, 10:01 AM   #5 (permalink)
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I agree that he has the right to do this. I actually have lost other friends. I've lost many things, including a huge chunk of my life. I've done incredibly stupid (and dangerous) things while drunk.
I feel more sad than angry right now...if anything, I'm angry at myself.
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Old 08-29-2014, 10:04 AM   #6 (permalink)
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I see this, very much, as likely a friend who has been trying to help you for a VERY long time, and you're likely on the 'last straw' with someone who (I bet) really cares about you.

Just ask yourself this- which is worth more to you?

1. A caring, good, honest friend who seems to care a great deal about you.

or...

2. Getting drunk, forgetting large swaths of your life, being drunk or miserably hung-over the rest, and losing more and more stuff.
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Old 08-29-2014, 10:05 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Avice View Post
I agree that he has the right to do this. I actually have lost other friends. I've lost many things, including a huge chunk of my life. I've done incredibly stupid (and dangerous) things while drunk.
I feel more sad than angry right now...if anything, I'm angry at myself.
There is a way out. Not easy but possible
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Old 08-29-2014, 10:10 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Avice View Post
I agree that he has the right to do this. I actually have lost other friends. I've lost many things, including a huge chunk of my life. I've done incredibly stupid (and dangerous) things while drunk.
I feel more sad than angry right now...if anything, I'm angry at myself.
It's all perfectly understandable. Maybe there is a different way to move forward.
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Old 08-29-2014, 10:12 AM   #9 (permalink)
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Avice
but I also feel like he's trying to control me and of course I hate to feel controlled.
He's not trying to control you. He's telling you how it's going to be.

I told my sister the same thing. "I will not spend time with you until you are serious about addressing your problem." When she is serious, I will be there all in to support her. Until then, she is in my heart, but I must love her from afar. It's too dangerous to love her up close right now.

He's probably telling you that because he sees that your relationship with alcohol is more important than your relationship with him, or anyone or anything else for that matter. I say is probably true that because that's how it was for me.
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Old 08-29-2014, 12:03 PM   #10 (permalink)
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I know that from the outside it must look like I care about alcohol more than anything. Care isn't the right word, but it's impossible to explain what I'm going through.
I'm worried that not responding might lead him to believe that I don't care. Or maybe not responding is the best thing because it'll show him that I respect the boundary he's laid down.
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Old 08-29-2014, 12:26 PM   #11 (permalink)
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I know that from the outside it must look like I care about alcohol more than anything. Care isn't the right word, but it's impossible to explain what I'm going through.
We get what you are going through. You know, you can make an ultimatum too--to your addiction. It goes like this:

I quit drinking and I'm never going to change my mind.
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Old 08-29-2014, 12:39 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I know that from the outside it must look like I care about alcohol more than anything. Care isn't the right word, but it's impossible to explain what I'm going through.
I'm worried that not responding might lead him to believe that I don't care. Or maybe not responding is the best thing because it'll show him that I respect the boundary he's laid down.
You don't need to explain, most of us have been there before and we understand. Your worries should be focused 100% on what you plan to do about your drinking, not what others think about it.

Your addiction would have you think that you can explain things away, but the reality is that sobriety is the only thing that will give you the chance to mend the fences with others.
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Old 08-29-2014, 12:56 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Addicts have poor boundaries.

I live with my mum, if I come home drunk again I will be out on the street.

She's put up with me so many times with me messing her around and not keeping my promises.

Having this put in place has made take my sobriety much more seriously, I go to meetings and engage with the local drugs and alcohol rehab centre.

Life's better for me like this, just my two cents.

Tom
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Old 08-29-2014, 01:14 PM   #14 (permalink)
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You have to be willing to do whatever it takes to stop drinking. You obviously feel miserable, you have already experienced losses because of it, drinking is destroying your life.

There is a way out of this. It's tried and proven by many many here - you give up this one thing to have everything. Otherwise, eventually you give up everything else to have this one thing.

Commit to sobriety, seek help, and your actions will speak louder than anything else you can tell your friend.
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Old 08-29-2014, 01:35 PM   #15 (permalink)
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I know I can't explain to others who haven't been through it. I would give anything to go back in time knowing what I know now. I can't.
Maybe it's best to leave him alone entirely until I can really get past the initial withdrawal phases - plus a month for good measure. I don't feel like I deserve to have friends right now. I don't want to put him through any more of this weirdness that I project when I'm drunk. When I drink, alcohol takes possession of my entire being. I'm not me anymore. I can see how that would be difficult to witness, even though I'm not what you would call a mean drunk.
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Old 08-29-2014, 01:39 PM   #16 (permalink)
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I think you best response to your friend would be to admit you have a problem and your going to take care of yourself and do whatever you need to do to get off of alcohol. Then follow up with action not just words.
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Old 08-29-2014, 01:44 PM   #17 (permalink)
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We understand... You can write your friend that you understand him and that you're sorry. And then start working at your reccovery. You can find a lot of support here. Keep posting.
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Old 08-29-2014, 01:47 PM   #18 (permalink)
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I'm with Ghostdad. Listen to him. Admit to your friend that:

1. you know you have a problem.
2. you are going to address that problem.
3. you are not going to drink.
4. you will/will try to get better.
5. you love and respect this person, and understand they were trying to help.
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Old 08-29-2014, 02:00 PM   #19 (permalink)
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I've already admitted to him that I have a problem. And it's also pretty freakin obvious. We've discussed it before. I really don't think he wants to hear any more promises from me.

I was thinking that the best thing to say is that I respect his decision and that I do care. Apologies are no good. Promises are no good. Explanations are no good. I think I have to keep it very short, if I email at all.

Maybe the best thing I can do is tell him that I respect his decision and that I actually want to keep his friendship, though it may take some time for me to recover.

FYI, I plan to give it another try tomorrow, and I will be posting here. I think it might help.
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Old 08-29-2014, 02:16 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hobbers View Post
I see this, very much, as likely a friend who has been trying to help you for a VERY long time, and you're likely on the 'last straw' with someone who (I bet) really cares about you.

Just ask yourself this- which is worth more to you?

1. A caring, good, honest friend who seems to care a great deal about you.

or...

2. Getting drunk, forgetting large swaths of your life, being drunk or miserably hung-over the rest, and losing more and more stuff.

Thank you jobbers I was thinking maybe you should realise you have a good friend and some people don't

Don't throw that away for drink I'm actually scratching my head here not in a bad way just realise this would not be happening if you didn't want more drink when you was already drunk esp if he's met you for dinner and you feel hes given you an ultimatum ?

Have you considered how you made someone else feel because of your drinking saying he's right just doesn't cut it this is a red flag this is a friend you care about your now loosing that friend

Is it worth it
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