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My binge drinking cycle is killing me

Old 08-28-2014, 06:02 AM
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My binge drinking cycle is killing me

I am new to this forum, but fairly familiar with the recovery culture. I have been to rehab twice, hospitalized for liver failure and dt's, pancreatitis, acute renal failure, and severe depression brought on by binge drinking. And this was all within the past two years. In all honesty though I should have probably been hospitalized way more though. I cyclically binge drink, probably between 2 and 5 times a month, and more often than not go on 3-7 day benders. I have lost jobs, almost didn't graduate college, and have alienated people who were once close to me. I become a bastard when I drink. Its like Jekyll and Hyde. But I keep doing it. I went back to AA last night for the first time in a few months and I have to continue or I am not going to live to see 30, and my last couple years will inevitably be miserable. And after seeing the way my attempted suicides affected those close to me, that cannot happen. I am a 26 y/o male. I have detoxed hundreds of times and I think that subconciously I have just come to accept that this is who I am and what I do. I get suicidal sometimes during detox too. This has happened many, many times, so I know how to handle it but I am tired of screwing up and it just does not make sense to keep doing this. My problem is that when I feel like I finally have it under control I will go out with some friends and have a few drinks and this ridiculous cycle starts all over again. My question is how do people stay motivated to stay sober when they are feeling comfortable with their situation and think that everything is finally ok? Because that is when it always begins for me; when things start looking up. And it is going to kill me. I havent slept in two days, I think my new boss suspects that their is something wrong with me, and I really just can't screw my life up again and go through what I have been the past two years. I am lucky to be alive but it's like I haven't learned my lesson. The threat of death doesn't scare me because I have already almost died so many times. The possibility of becoming a "failure" absolutely terrifies me though. And I do not know anyone my age who behaves this way. I know it is absolutely ridiculous, but I continue to do it anyhow. I have no idea how I am able to do this. And the worst part is that all I want to do right now is get absolutely hammered. I'm not going to, but that thought has been running through my head all week. This is insane. Anybody else go through anything similar? Thanks.
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Old 08-28-2014, 06:04 AM
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Oh, ya, sounds way too familiar. You are not alone at all.
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Old 08-28-2014, 06:59 AM
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I know that I'm not alone. I just don't know why I'm still so self destructive when things are going well for me. Or why anyone is for that matter.
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Old 08-28-2014, 07:03 AM
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Addiction to the euphoria and the ability to check out at any time.

Addiction to alcohol is a powerful, baffling, cunning affliction.

The way out is to stop completely, but you know that.

It's the first drink that will kill you.

Welcome to the forums. Hang around, you may find it helps you, I know it did me.
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Old 08-28-2014, 07:08 AM
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Originally Posted by Withdrawalsucks View Post
I am new to this forum, but fairly familiar with the recovery culture. I have been to rehab twice, hospitalized for liver failure and dt's, pancreatitis, acute renal failure, and severe depression brought on by binge drinking. And this was all within the past two years. In all honesty though I should have probably been hospitalized way more though. I cyclically binge drink, probably between 2 and 5 times a month, and more often than not go on 3-7 day benders. I have lost jobs, almost didn't graduate college, and have alienated people who were once close to me. I become a bastard when I drink. Its like Jekyll and Hyde. But I keep doing it. I went back to AA last night for the first time in a few months and I have to continue or I am not going to live to see 30, and my last couple years will inevitably be miserable. And after seeing the way my attempted suicides affected those close to me, that cannot happen. I am a 26 y/o male. I have detoxed hundreds of times and I think that subconciously I have just come to accept that this is who I am and what I do. I get suicidal sometimes during detox too. This has happened many, many times, so I know how to handle it but I am tired of screwing up and it just does not make sense to keep doing this. My problem is that when I feel like I finally have it under control I will go out with some friends and have a few drinks and this ridiculous cycle starts all over again. My question is how do people stay motivated to stay sober when they are feeling comfortable with their situation and think that everything is finally ok? Because that is when it always begins for me; when things start looking up. And it is going to kill me. I havent slept in two days, I think my new boss suspects that their is something wrong with me, and I really just can't screw my life up again and go through what I have been the past two years. I am lucky to be alive but it's like I haven't learned my lesson. The threat of death doesn't scare me because I have already almost died so many times. The possibility of becoming a "failure" absolutely terrifies me though. And I do not know anyone my age who behaves this way. I know it is absolutely ridiculous, but I continue to do it anyhow. I have no idea how I am able to do this. And the worst part is that all I want to do right now is get absolutely hammered. I'm not going to, but that thought has been running through my head all week. This is insane. Anybody else go through anything similar? Thanks.

Hi. Id strongly suggest keeping a copy of your post and read it several times a day. We alcoholics at times have a very short memory.

BE WELL
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Old 08-28-2014, 07:32 AM
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Addiction is insanity. The good thing is it doesn't have to continue or be permanent. You have to want to be sober more than u want to drink. I know that's easier said than done. I also am a chronic relasper who suffers something terrible when I think a drink is what I need or want. It has taken a lot of losses in my life( drivers license twice, job, career, family friends, sense of self money, respect from others, health issues) to make me truly desire sobriety. What I have learned is that I really have to work a program and accept help from others. I have to be open and honest about my alcoholism. I'm not telling u what to do but I don't think u are going to stay sober in early recovery going out with people who drink. It's just to much temptation. You really have to build your sober muscles up first. And even after that you have to be on gaurd! You can choose blessings or curses, life or death. No matter what don't give up. I relasped a few times while seriously trying to stay sober but what I noticed was that with a program I didn't stay in the relaspe long maybe a day or 2 and I was able to get right back on the horse with encourage me from others in recovery prayer posting and reading here. You can do it but its going to take tenacity. This is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do.
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Old 08-28-2014, 07:44 AM
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I had very similar drinking patterns as you at your age. I would binge for days and stop only when I had run out of money or something bad happened like being sent home from work. I would then smarten-up and go 2 or 3 weeks without a drop thereby convincing myself that I am not an alcoholic.

It is always at this 2-3 week mark of being sober that I am vulnerable because I am feeling good but bored. One text from a friend to meet for pint or two on a Friday night is all it takes and I am off to the races.

My friends can sit down drink 3 or 4 pints over a couple hours then go home and relax. I will head out on my own to the liquor store or another bar.

We are different. We cannot drink like others. Always remember that.
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Old 08-28-2014, 07:53 AM
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So far it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I have always had trouble asking for help. When everything I mentioned happened I moved back in with my Dad to get away from the college environment but I still kept doing the same thing. Then I finally graduated and moved to a new state because I did not want to burden my family anymore, and I was (and still am at times) embarrassed with how many people knew about my problems. People generally wanted to help but I have always been a very proud person. I know its going to either kill me or just make things incredibly difficult for me again. I never really talked at aa meetings but I did last night. And now I'm posting this. I don't like laying it all on the table but I guess it's just finally eating me up enough inside to suck up my pride and stop fighting it. I feel childish making the same mistakes over and over.
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Old 08-28-2014, 08:08 AM
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hello withdrawalsucks, sounds to me like you want to quit which is a great and necessary first step. great job! keep posting here no matter what happens. posting and seeing responses as well as reading others posts is helping me a lot
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Old 08-28-2014, 08:20 AM
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It took me awhile to learn that my pride was gonna kill me. Asking for help, being honest about my addiction is what saves me every single day. I don't mean that I shout it out to everyone I meet, but I have a few people that I trust and know that they will listen, talk, and I can be totally open about what is going on, and they will be here for me. Between those folks and SR, I stay sober.

Not sure where you live, but find a face to face support group. . .and stay away from the invitations to go drinking. And stay with us. Check in, post, read, comment. . .no matter what. You will find lots of support here, too.
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Old 08-28-2014, 08:45 AM
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That's the plan. I'm in Florida, originally from PA. I know what I need to do, or at least have a good idea. It's doing it and staying persistent with it that is difficult for me. There are quite a few aa meetings everyday near me so that's the plan for now. I'm considering going back into counseling too. It has already caught up to me multiple times and it feels like it is again. I'm sure most of you know that this is not a very good feeling. It could just be the withdrawal talking but regardless, I hate this all too familiar feeling. And I will probably move back up north when I have the means to.
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Old 08-28-2014, 09:30 AM
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Originally Posted by IOAA2 View Post
Hi. Id strongly suggest keeping a copy of your post and read it several times a day. We alcoholics at times have a very short memory.

BE WELL
Agreed...

Welcome Withdrawals. You can do this. Your story is not unique and plenty of people here have some tremendous sober time under their belts.

You can make the decision to quit for good. We can never let our guard down... I've learned that; as other's have; through several progressive relapses.

I've come to enjoy my time sober much more than hating my time drinking!

Someone posted a while ago that ..."we are stronger than our excuses".

You can do this, your call.

We are here for you and great job for reaching out!
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Old 08-28-2014, 09:38 AM
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Originally Posted by Withdrawalsucks View Post
That's the plan. I'm in Florida, originally from PA. I know what I need to do, or at least have a good idea. It's doing it and staying persistent with it that is difficult for me. There are quite a few aa meetings everyday near me so that's the plan for now. I'm considering going back into counseling too. It has already caught up to me multiple times and it feels like it is again. I'm sure most of you know that this is not a very good feeling. It could just be the withdrawal talking but regardless, I hate this all too familiar feeling. And I will probably move back up north when I have the means to.
Think of it as the poison leaving your body and your body adjusting to a healthy status. It will still feel uncomfortable, but your brain will be in the right place.

Praying for you Withdrawal!!! You can do this!
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Old 08-28-2014, 02:21 PM
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Wishing you all the luck in the world
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Old 08-28-2014, 04:13 PM
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Originally Posted by Withdrawalsucks View Post
I am new to this forum, but fairly familiar with the recovery culture. I have been to rehab twice, hospitalized for liver failure and dt's, pancreatitis, acute renal failure, and severe depression brought on by binge drinking. And this was all within the past two years. In all honesty though I should have probably been hospitalized way more though. I cyclically binge drink, probably between 2 and 5 times a month, and more often than not go on 3-7 day benders. I have lost jobs, almost didn't graduate college, and have alienated people who were once close to me. I become a bastard when I drink. Its like Jekyll and Hyde. But I keep doing it. I went back to AA last night for the first time in a few months and I have to continue or I am not going to live to see 30, and my last couple years will inevitably be miserable. And after seeing the way my attempted suicides affected those close to me, that cannot happen. I am a 26 y/o male. I have detoxed hundreds of times and I think that subconciously I have just come to accept that this is who I am and what I do. I get suicidal sometimes during detox too. This has happened many, many times, so I know how to handle it but I am tired of screwing up and it just does not make sense to keep doing this. My problem is that when I feel like I finally have it under control I will go out with some friends and have a few drinks and this ridiculous cycle starts all over again. My question is how do people stay motivated to stay sober when they are feeling comfortable with their situation and think that everything is finally ok? Because that is when it always begins for me; when things start looking up. And it is going to kill me. I havent slept in two days, I think my new boss suspects that their is something wrong with me, and I really just can't screw my life up again and go through what I have been the past two years. I am lucky to be alive but it's like I haven't learned my lesson. The threat of death doesn't scare me because I have already almost died so many times. The possibility of becoming a "failure" absolutely terrifies me though. And I do not know anyone my age who behaves this way. I know it is absolutely ridiculous, but I continue to do it anyhow. I have no idea how I am able to do this. And the worst part is that all I want to do right now is get absolutely hammered. I'm not going to, but that thought has been running through my head all week. This is insane. Anybody else go through anything similar? Thanks.
You are really brave sharing this. I never got to this point, so I can only imagine what you are going through, but you can do this!
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Old 08-28-2014, 04:26 PM
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Hi withdraws, welcome. Sorry your in so much pain. Things can change. It sounds like you start drinking sometimes out of boredom. Maybe developing a plan of things to do with your free time would help. Don't pick up the first drink and make commitments to do sober activities. I've been through a lot of what you mentioned and it's went on for 30 years. I sure wish I would have realized my major trigger and how to deal with it years ago. You are worth it and have us in your corner. A little willpower can get you a long way. Think of the good days ahead you can have when your no longer hungover. Sobriety can be yours and nobody can take that from you. I'm rooting for you!
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Old 08-28-2014, 04:35 PM
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This has happened to me over the years. A long stretch and then boom! But something inside of me said this is it! I swam out into the ocean and swam back 1,000 times but I won't make it back anymore. So now I'm working on the thoughts that came before that 1st drink. Like..you're in the clear etc. and I forget how bad it was. Do you recall your mood or thoughts that trigger you? Are you self destructive? Do you deserve to be sober? Do you feel like you're holding your breath staying sober and have to let it out drinking? Just some thoughts.
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Old 08-28-2014, 05:26 PM
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Thanks for your post. The cycle of binge drinking that you descibe so well, hitting it really hard, then stopping and doing it all over again sounds horribly familiar

For me I just couldn't imagine life without alcohol - it was the focus of everything. Its only when I got sober for a few weeks that I gave myself the chance to see how much my life was being controlled by it.
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Old 08-28-2014, 05:46 PM
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hi wds,
Wow, your addiction is strong, much stronger than your friends who can go out for a few. Each person is different. And you're smart to notice that you are different than your friends.
You said "I know that I'm not alone. I just don't know why I'm still so self destructive when things are going well for me. Or why anyone is for that matter. "

OK, here's the reason: because your biochemistry is different than other peoples.
If you ask now, "but why is my biochemistry different?", you'll go on and on.

I learn from other cultures, and here's an interesting parable about someone in pain refusing to get help:
It's just as if a man were wounded with an arrow thickly smeared with poison. His friends & companions, kinsmen & relatives would provide him with a surgeon, and the man would say, 'I won't have this arrow removed until I know whether the man who wounded me was a noble warrior, a priest, a merchant, or a worker.' He would say, 'I won't have this arrow removed until I know the given name & clan name of the man who wounded me... until I know whether he was tall, medium, or short... until I know whether he was dark, ruddy-brown, or golden-colored... until I know his home village, town, or city... until I know whether the bow with which I was wounded was a long bow or a crossbow... until I know whether the bowstring with which I was wounded was fiber, bamboo threads, sinew, hemp, or bark... until I know whether the shaft with which I was wounded was wild or cultivated... until I know whether the feathers of the shaft with which I was wounded were those of a vulture, a stork, a hawk, a peacock, or another bird... until I know whether the shaft with which I was wounded was bound with the sinew of an ox, a water buffalo, a langur, or a monkey.' He would say, 'I won't have this arrow removed until I know whether the shaft with which I was wounded was that of a common arrow, a curved arrow, a barbed, a calf-toothed, or an oleander arrow.' The man would die and those things would still remain unknown to him.

That quote is 2000 years old (The parable of the poisoned arrow).
So your reaction is not uncommon.
-
Here's a look inside a detox hospital: People die drinking the way you do.
Rain In My Heart (1 of 10) - YouTube


I wish you strength, courage and determination during your journey to become healthy again.
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Old 08-28-2014, 05:51 PM
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Yes I am self destructive at times. Not nearly as bad as I was 2 years ago but I do feel like I'm flirting with disaster when I go on benders. Because I usually am. I went to a meeting tonight, mostly guys around twice my age. I told them a part of my story and they were all just shaking their heads in agreement. It's weird how easily I can identify with guys like that that I have never met before in my life. They knew where my story was going almost immediately. Also asked my roommate to help. Which is hard. But it's gotta stop.
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