My binge drinking cycle is killing me
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Melbourne, Victoria
Posts: 215
You are the "real deal" alcoholic my friend.
I know because I'm one too and my story is as bad as yours ... different in places but still the same so far as how I drank & how I thought.
I drank from age ten, by age 12 I was kicked out of Boy Scouts for taking a bottle of Rum on a camp, by 15 I was hospitalised for the first time as a result of my drinking, by 18 I was locked up by the Police for the first time. By 23, I had walked away from 2 wrecked cars.
Sometime in my 30's, I began bleeding from places I shouldn't bleed, I had heart arrhythmia several times, puking became frequent (I never puked for years & years), liver was shutting down and on it went.
I tried the watered down solution of a lot of AA meetings that is "just go to meetings, just don't drink" but it wasn't till I picked up & read the Big Book, that I found out what was wrong with me & how to treat it.
There is a solution, please reach out & find it.
If your the "real deal" alcoholic & it sounds to me like you are ... then you have alcohol - I.S.M.
I = internal, S = spiritual, M = maladjustment
In other words, alcohol temporarily fills an internal spiritual hole deep within you.
Feelings that would indicate I.S.M. are things like "is this all there is to life" or "I don't seem to fit in" or "I can feel lonely in a room full of people" or the worst "maybe I should just kill myself to end this internal pain I can't seem to shake off"
If you have those kinds of thoughts & feelings ... the solution is in a book called "Alcoholics Anonymous"
Just my 10 cents worth .... best of luck with your journey.
If you have any questions, ask away or PM me if you don't want to discuss in open forum.
I know because I'm one too and my story is as bad as yours ... different in places but still the same so far as how I drank & how I thought.
I drank from age ten, by age 12 I was kicked out of Boy Scouts for taking a bottle of Rum on a camp, by 15 I was hospitalised for the first time as a result of my drinking, by 18 I was locked up by the Police for the first time. By 23, I had walked away from 2 wrecked cars.
Sometime in my 30's, I began bleeding from places I shouldn't bleed, I had heart arrhythmia several times, puking became frequent (I never puked for years & years), liver was shutting down and on it went.
I tried the watered down solution of a lot of AA meetings that is "just go to meetings, just don't drink" but it wasn't till I picked up & read the Big Book, that I found out what was wrong with me & how to treat it.
There is a solution, please reach out & find it.
If your the "real deal" alcoholic & it sounds to me like you are ... then you have alcohol - I.S.M.
I = internal, S = spiritual, M = maladjustment
In other words, alcohol temporarily fills an internal spiritual hole deep within you.
Feelings that would indicate I.S.M. are things like "is this all there is to life" or "I don't seem to fit in" or "I can feel lonely in a room full of people" or the worst "maybe I should just kill myself to end this internal pain I can't seem to shake off"
If you have those kinds of thoughts & feelings ... the solution is in a book called "Alcoholics Anonymous"
Just my 10 cents worth .... best of luck with your journey.
If you have any questions, ask away or PM me if you don't want to discuss in open forum.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 2,693
Welcome WDS,
My first recommendation is to never, ever, ever let the medical issues slip your mind when you want to drink. It's easy to say "just one more time" or "just one more weekend" but that can't happen anymore. It just can't.
You are very brave to share your story. I was also given scary news from the doctor regarding my organs and I continued for one more year. I lived in "I'll quit tomorrow" land. After a few drinks I wasn't worried anymore about the health problems it was causing. I just figured I could worry about that the next day.
I had to get really honest with myself that I was killing myself. . I had to decide: do I want to live or die? I'm not much older than you either. It's amazing how much damage we can actually do when we're in our 20's. I used to justify just "one more time" based on the fast that many people drank for 20 or 30 years and lived to tell about it. Why couldn't I be one of those people? Just keep on a bit longer?
You shared that you have been to rehab twice, hospitalized for liver failure and dt's, pancreatitis, acute renal failure, and severe depression brought on by binge drinking. Reread this every single day. Print it out or save it on your phone when the phone rings and your friends want to go have a few drinks. It was never a few for me either. I would stop at the liquor store on the way home and drink 12 more drinks after the happy hour. If you aren't able to go to happy hour and drink a Coke then don't go. It's time to start fighting for yourself.
Like I said, the health scares weren't enough for me to stop. I needed to put as much work into my sobriety as I did my drinking: every day for hours. I check in here every single day and I have been sober for about two months. You can do this too. It takes grit and nerves of steel but it can be done. I was a hopeless drunk who "relapsed" every night. I didn't even really want to stop but I knew I had to. I didn't know what life would be like without drinking but it'a okay. This is how everyone else lives and you do get used to it.
You need to stop now for medical reasons. Stop now so you don't have to be one of those in a hospital bed wondering "if I only would have stopped back then....."
Chocolate and candy have become my new dependency. When the cravings hit, I swear to god, sugary candy takes away about 70 percent of the craving. Wham. Gone. Then I can manage and "surf" them.
My first recommendation is to never, ever, ever let the medical issues slip your mind when you want to drink. It's easy to say "just one more time" or "just one more weekend" but that can't happen anymore. It just can't.
You are very brave to share your story. I was also given scary news from the doctor regarding my organs and I continued for one more year. I lived in "I'll quit tomorrow" land. After a few drinks I wasn't worried anymore about the health problems it was causing. I just figured I could worry about that the next day.
I had to get really honest with myself that I was killing myself. . I had to decide: do I want to live or die? I'm not much older than you either. It's amazing how much damage we can actually do when we're in our 20's. I used to justify just "one more time" based on the fast that many people drank for 20 or 30 years and lived to tell about it. Why couldn't I be one of those people? Just keep on a bit longer?
You shared that you have been to rehab twice, hospitalized for liver failure and dt's, pancreatitis, acute renal failure, and severe depression brought on by binge drinking. Reread this every single day. Print it out or save it on your phone when the phone rings and your friends want to go have a few drinks. It was never a few for me either. I would stop at the liquor store on the way home and drink 12 more drinks after the happy hour. If you aren't able to go to happy hour and drink a Coke then don't go. It's time to start fighting for yourself.
Like I said, the health scares weren't enough for me to stop. I needed to put as much work into my sobriety as I did my drinking: every day for hours. I check in here every single day and I have been sober for about two months. You can do this too. It takes grit and nerves of steel but it can be done. I was a hopeless drunk who "relapsed" every night. I didn't even really want to stop but I knew I had to. I didn't know what life would be like without drinking but it'a okay. This is how everyone else lives and you do get used to it.
You need to stop now for medical reasons. Stop now so you don't have to be one of those in a hospital bed wondering "if I only would have stopped back then....."
Chocolate and candy have become my new dependency. When the cravings hit, I swear to god, sugary candy takes away about 70 percent of the craving. Wham. Gone. Then I can manage and "surf" them.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 7
I know. I've been to detox hospitals multiple times. Woken up from a seizure in the middle of the night once, could've happened more than that but I don't remember. Had dt's twice. And I remember both times, at least a bulk of them. From what doctors told me and a lot of research it was basically what schizophrenics experience. It was god awful, and incredibly embarrassing, and I still have trouble telling people what I "saw". Some really bizarre stuff. I know I'm lucky to be alive. I spent time in the military and had some close calls overseas too and I can honestly say I was excited and not afraid. And I was completely sober for those times and handled them like a champ. I'm lucky to be a lot of things considering how out of control I have gotten on literally hundreds of occasions. And I'm 26. And I am perfectly sane and rational and basically good at most things I attempt when I'm sober. Didn't stop me though. Just slows me down every so often then I start back up once I'm "healthy" again. I understand better than most people how incredibly dangerous it is. I could write a book on it. The shame is what scares me, embarrassing and hurting my family is what scares me, not the actual possibility of dying. That's probably why I keep trying to drink, because yes, I am ashamed and embarassed at times to try and explain these situations to normal people. Even my Dad, who has seen me at my worst. Even though he knows and has tried to help me. But thank you. I've known I was an alcoholic long before I had these problems. I just kept going. And it's not fun anymore. That's why I'm trying to suck up my pride and write this novel of a forum post and finally take aa seriously. And thanks everyone. Admitting things like this, even anonymously on something like this feels very uncharacteristic for me, but I think it's what I need.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,351
Hi and welcome withdrawalsucks 
I always went back to drinking too - there's little logical about addiction - it's impulse, it's visceral, it's focusing on the immediate, and not the mid or long term...I would rationalise I felt fine therefore I must not have a problem, and I would do that, over and over and over again.
Coming here really helped me with that. It was much harder for me to rationalise drinking again when I'd been spending time here writing my own story, and seeing it reflected in so many other people's stories too.
I loved drinking but I got to the point I wanted to stop. If you're at that point, or near it, I think you'll get a lot out of this community - good to have you with us
D
I always went back to drinking too - there's little logical about addiction - it's impulse, it's visceral, it's focusing on the immediate, and not the mid or long term...I would rationalise I felt fine therefore I must not have a problem, and I would do that, over and over and over again.
Coming here really helped me with that. It was much harder for me to rationalise drinking again when I'd been spending time here writing my own story, and seeing it reflected in so many other people's stories too.
I loved drinking but I got to the point I wanted to stop. If you're at that point, or near it, I think you'll get a lot out of this community - good to have you with us
D
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: CA.....Hometown : Sioux Falls
Posts: 2,624
I'm probably out of line here, but your subconscious might be interpreting healthy as boring and uneventful. There may be an underlying need somewhere for crisis, excitement and stimulation of ANY kind because you're so used to it and it makes you feel alive. Like an addiction. Only problem is it's negative and destructive.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Melbourne, Victoria
Posts: 215
No fear of death ... sounds familiar.
Drunk, I jumped off a bridge, about a 4 story jump, into water I knew was unpredictable in that it looked calm on top, but that underneath it was full of fast moving currents.
That river had killed many before & it had killed many gold miners during the gold rush days.
Why did I do it ... no sense of self preservation what so ever.
I played sport (Rugby League) like that too, hospitalised myself with concussion a few times, hospitalised many opposition team members as well.
Drunk, I jumped off a bridge, about a 4 story jump, into water I knew was unpredictable in that it looked calm on top, but that underneath it was full of fast moving currents.
That river had killed many before & it had killed many gold miners during the gold rush days.
Why did I do it ... no sense of self preservation what so ever.
I played sport (Rugby League) like that too, hospitalised myself with concussion a few times, hospitalised many opposition team members as well.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Aberdeen SD
Posts: 180
Keep in mind that alcohol is ethanol. Its used as an industrial solvent to dissolve other toxic substances and as a fuel additive in gasoline. When you drink it straight it burns your throat going down, and tears and the lining of your stomach. It is then absorbed into your blood stream and taken to various other organs in your body where more damage is done (e.g. nerves). The 'high' is felt by your brain as the ethanol kills millions brain cells. If you didn't have a liver to strain your blood of the ethanol you would die of alcohol poisoning. Sounds good huh?
Member
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 1
My Relapses Summarized
Hi everyone. I am 33 and have just been stuck in this effed up loop for the past few years. It really sucks going back and forth down a good path, and then falling off the ladder hardcore b/c alcohol is so readily available and seems so normal, but isn't for us. I have been suffering from hardcore binge drinking for over 8 years (but been drinking for 15 in general (used to only on weekends, but it led to weekdays and just got worse)) and it just ruins me for a couple of weeks at a time.
I usually go about 3-4 weeks without it and then about 6-7 days non-stop morning to night and by the end of it, I either end up in the hospital, or just extremely sick, fatigued, depressed, anxious, extremely guilty, overweight, with chest pain, muscle depletion, weak body, neck pain, back pain, shortness of breath, nightmares, extreme morning depression, and and just completely feel lost with a huge amount of OCD to try to get back to normal, feeling overwhelmed that I have to make up for 6 days of lost activity, work, etc..
I have gone to rehab, been sent to international places in the east for spiritual recovery, my wife left me, almost lost my life in a 14 roll fwy car accident, which resulted trouble with the law, family is really worried and I have broken many many promises to people I love. I have lost many many more things than this; friends, loved ones, and I feel like I am losing my Sanity.
Every time I quit, it takes me about 3-4 weeks to start working out again, eating healthy, and earning the trust of people around me, until that urge comes back just to throw me down the ladder again.
The desire to quit has been with me for years now(and I have tried so many things), but something comes up that leads to one drink, and then hundreds over the course of a week. I am really worried about my health. I was such a go-getter. Came first place in everything I did and had an extreme amount of determination and I feel like I have lost all of that
I used to be really fit, a masters degree, an awesome engineering job, 4.0 university gpa, and all kinds of good things going for me. I am afraid of losing more. My boss knows something is wrong and I had to take a "unpaid leave of absence" to try to fix myself. This is my current state...
I tried watching youtube videos, reading spiritual books, attending AA, attending NA, writing letters, seeking psychological advice (although I've only gone to like 3 sessions total) and have been making lists of alcohol related issues for the past 4 years (A immoral inventory that I can look at to turn moral if I have an urge). I even had to go on an anti-depressant for a couple months...didn't help.
This is literally the hardest thing I have ever had to do b/c I was headed down such a successful path and this has just been sending me down a demon's dungeon each time.
I can't do this again. I am afraid I will die if I drink another drink b/c it will lead to hundreds...gosh I hate this disease with a passion. I know that we have to keep a stable mind. Some of my triggers even include coffee, boredom, and just being invited to happy hour at work. But we all have to find substitutes for our triggers. It's really important...
The most messed up thing is, the answer is right in front of me. I just have to not pick up that first drink. That's it. I am such a good, smart, lucrative person who try's to keep his body in shape and gives people spiritual, health, and wellness advice when I am sober. People look up to me. I know exactly what to do to have an amazing life. But after some time, I just fall back down that F&(*$ng cliff and have to start all over again.
It's gotten to a point where I feel so abnormal. My life is so abnormal compared to other "normal" people.
I am sick and tired of starting over. ughhh I am going to end my rant here, but I'll say one more thing..
There are some omens that some people are either born with or absorb throughout their life and getting rid of these omens apparently are the secret to the root to quit. I feel like the only way is to find a hardcore spiritual path. Basically in the Indian Astrological philosophy there are Grahas, which are where planets are positioned when you are born and certain ones can have positive affects on your life and certain ones can have negative effects on your life.
In any case, good luck with your sober recovery. I am going to make it my priority and it will come before anything else b/c this is what I need to survive.
Glad I found this site...
Take Care everyone!
God Bless and Love you all!
I usually go about 3-4 weeks without it and then about 6-7 days non-stop morning to night and by the end of it, I either end up in the hospital, or just extremely sick, fatigued, depressed, anxious, extremely guilty, overweight, with chest pain, muscle depletion, weak body, neck pain, back pain, shortness of breath, nightmares, extreme morning depression, and and just completely feel lost with a huge amount of OCD to try to get back to normal, feeling overwhelmed that I have to make up for 6 days of lost activity, work, etc..
I have gone to rehab, been sent to international places in the east for spiritual recovery, my wife left me, almost lost my life in a 14 roll fwy car accident, which resulted trouble with the law, family is really worried and I have broken many many promises to people I love. I have lost many many more things than this; friends, loved ones, and I feel like I am losing my Sanity.
Every time I quit, it takes me about 3-4 weeks to start working out again, eating healthy, and earning the trust of people around me, until that urge comes back just to throw me down the ladder again.
The desire to quit has been with me for years now(and I have tried so many things), but something comes up that leads to one drink, and then hundreds over the course of a week. I am really worried about my health. I was such a go-getter. Came first place in everything I did and had an extreme amount of determination and I feel like I have lost all of that
I used to be really fit, a masters degree, an awesome engineering job, 4.0 university gpa, and all kinds of good things going for me. I am afraid of losing more. My boss knows something is wrong and I had to take a "unpaid leave of absence" to try to fix myself. This is my current state...
I tried watching youtube videos, reading spiritual books, attending AA, attending NA, writing letters, seeking psychological advice (although I've only gone to like 3 sessions total) and have been making lists of alcohol related issues for the past 4 years (A immoral inventory that I can look at to turn moral if I have an urge). I even had to go on an anti-depressant for a couple months...didn't help.
This is literally the hardest thing I have ever had to do b/c I was headed down such a successful path and this has just been sending me down a demon's dungeon each time.
I can't do this again. I am afraid I will die if I drink another drink b/c it will lead to hundreds...gosh I hate this disease with a passion. I know that we have to keep a stable mind. Some of my triggers even include coffee, boredom, and just being invited to happy hour at work. But we all have to find substitutes for our triggers. It's really important...
The most messed up thing is, the answer is right in front of me. I just have to not pick up that first drink. That's it. I am such a good, smart, lucrative person who try's to keep his body in shape and gives people spiritual, health, and wellness advice when I am sober. People look up to me. I know exactly what to do to have an amazing life. But after some time, I just fall back down that F&(*$ng cliff and have to start all over again.
It's gotten to a point where I feel so abnormal. My life is so abnormal compared to other "normal" people.
I am sick and tired of starting over. ughhh I am going to end my rant here, but I'll say one more thing..
There are some omens that some people are either born with or absorb throughout their life and getting rid of these omens apparently are the secret to the root to quit. I feel like the only way is to find a hardcore spiritual path. Basically in the Indian Astrological philosophy there are Grahas, which are where planets are positioned when you are born and certain ones can have positive affects on your life and certain ones can have negative effects on your life.
In any case, good luck with your sober recovery. I am going to make it my priority and it will come before anything else b/c this is what I need to survive.
Glad I found this site...
Take Care everyone!
God Bless and Love you all!
Member
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 48
WDS, your story relate to me so much. I would go on these hardcore binge drinking. The first night was not too bad but when I wake up the next morning, I just needed to drink again until 5 days pass by and don't know what the happen. Been doing this for almost 8 years now. I'm 34 and about to turn 35. It's weird how time really passes the older you get. Being 26 years old is still young and have your whole life ahead of you. If I was that age, I would do change many things. Boredom, depression, and wanting to feel like an adult are a few things why I drank. Not drinking and knowing that alcohol does not fit for me now. I'm 4 days sober now and every day I feel better even though I have to explain why I didn't come into work for last week. But as long I don't take the first drink and stay out of bars then I should see a long happy life instead of being an alcoholic drunk.
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