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Old 08-27-2014, 09:48 PM
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Not even a day yet

Hello all!

I've looked at this site before for advice and help and after a couple of failed attempts to quit drinking in the past 4 years I decided to finally join. I figure it can't hurt this time around to have somewhere to be safe. My family and friends think I have cut back a lot but it's because I mostly drink alone at home to hide it and avoid socializing much. I fear going out with my old friends because I know I'll get drunk, black out and act like an idiot. I don't want people to judge me for being out of control with drinks. I've drank since about 2000, but not very heavily until I was about 26, ironically it was to improve my social life, because I noticed that my social anxiety would go away and would suddenly not be shy anymore, people even thought I was interesting in the beginning. I seemed to be able to make friends when drunk.

So when I was 28 I got my own apartment and noticed it kicked up a few notches. I was working long hours in stressful conditions at my job, as well as my boss was harassing me at the time. One night at a work party that was being held at my boss' house, I got too drunk. i woke up in his bed with him inside me. I freaked out. I blamed myself for the incident, if I hadn't been drunk then I wouldn't be seen as an idiot who someone could do this to. He was close to upper management and I felt they were the only ones to tell but I didn't think they would believe me. My first sober attempt the following day lasted about 26 hours.

When I began again, I decided if I just drank beer then it wouldn't be that bad. Pretty soon I had no taste for hard alcohol or wine, but was putting away a six pack a night and sometimes more. I would sometimes buy a tall can and solemnly vow to myself that it would just be that one can. I can't remember any night that I didn't go out and buy at least a few more, or a six-pack right after finishing the first beer. Even at bars, I would have "just one" that could turn to two or three quickly, more if whoever I was riding with wanted to stay longer. And then go home and buy more and drink it in secret. I think it's mostly loneliness. I also began taking to chain-smoking around that time, but I want to fix one thing at a time. I notice alcohol makes it much worse, went through a few packs last night which I feel super guilty about as well.

The second time I tried to quit was April last year. I had blacked out badly again, somehow me being already buzzed on beer led to an invitation to come out and drink tequila sound really great. I got kicked out of a bar and can't even remember why. I also watched the movie flight a ton of times to scare me into not drinking anymore. This lasted two weeks and then another traumatic life event happened to me and I used it as an excuse to start drinking again.

So last night I went through a lot of beer. a lot. Like I am not sure if I had 2 or if i had 3 six-packs because I had the bottles from the last few nights in the same bin. The amount of drinking I do without realizing it is scaring me and I want to really quit this time. I am hoping the support and advice here will make it work for me and make it not such a lonely process. I can't tell anyone because I don't even really know who my friends are now, they all drink a lot and I can't be around it. And my mom, she has always talked about what a "piece of S*** my dad is for drinking so much. They've been divorced many years, she says it's because of his drinking but I just think she doesn't understand what it's like. I always felt bad for my dad. He still struggles with it and she's just mean about it.

Anyway I am rambling, but this was a great way to kill another half hour of being sober I guess. Wish me luck and strength. Thank you to anyone reading this, I know it's long but I want everyone to know that many past posts have helped me learn what to expect during withdrawal and why I find it so hard to just quit. It is great to have a place where people won't make me feel like a bad person for being weak when it comes to alcohol.
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Old 08-27-2014, 10:03 PM
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hi pickme, quitting with the support of people who understand you is completely different than struggling on your own, so come onto SR as often as you feel the need. I credit SR with helping me stay sober after I quit over 2 years ago.
Your work situation sounds straight out dangerous. Are you still in the same job? Is there a possibility of moving on? BTW getting drunk is not an invitation for someone to sleep with you. That would be called rape.
I was an 'after work' drinker as well, and like you I lived alone, so hardly anyone knew. When I got worried that I couldn't stop drinking my bottle of wine a night, I booked a long appointment with my GP and talked to him about it. I also went online and looked up information on alcoholism, as well as buying some Kindle books. Everything helped, and after about a month I was able to stop. I found changing some of my after-work habits, and eating earlier in the night also helped.
Try and find your inner motivation, get as much support as you can, and go for it!
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Old 08-27-2014, 10:12 PM
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Thank you feelinggreat, no I have moved on from that job 3 years ago, I guess I should have mentioned that I got out of that situation and he moved out of the area shortly after. I don't mean that I blame myself for it still, I just did back then. I think it was just another way drinking too much has messed with my brain in the past.

Thanks for the advice! I will probably be on often the next few days, since my mood is down and most of the things I like besides drinking just don't sound fun right now. Thanks for the kind words.
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Old 08-27-2014, 10:24 PM
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Originally Posted by pickmepickme View Post

It is great to have a place where people won't make me feel like a bad person for being weak when it comes to alcohol.
glad that you are here
now please
One Moment or One Day At A Time
try your best to keep the plug in the jug

if alcoholic ??
that is where the good life starts for us

Mountainman
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Old 08-27-2014, 10:29 PM
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Welcome, pickme! The way you describe your rationalizations reminds me of myself, and I'm sure a lot of others here see themselves in it too. I also drank alone a lot and hid it from everyone. The going out for a few social drinks, then coming home and drinking way more by myself was a regular thing for me.

You are brave to quit, and you absolutely CAN do it! I hope you will keep posting.

PS - I totally agree with FeelingGreat, that was rape and there is no excuse for it. I'm glad you got out of that situation.
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Old 08-27-2014, 10:46 PM
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I don't think you are a bad or weak person! You're just human. Good Luck on wanting to get sober.

You.can.do.it.
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Old 08-28-2014, 01:01 AM
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I wish you all the luck in the universe you can do this your stronger than you think you are

that post was very moving and powerful

Wishing you luck know you can do it

Keep posting
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Old 08-28-2014, 02:34 AM
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Thanks for joining! Welcome!

I'm glad you're here. I'm a month and two days sober. I know it's not a lot, but it would have been a heck of a lot harder if it weren't for reading and posting on SR.

I'm glad you got out of that work situation. I'm so sorry that happened to you. Yes, it was rape and it's common for victims to blame themselves. I'm glad that you're realizing that it wasn't your fault.

Whenever a distressing event happened to me, I also made it an excuse to drink. I think most people could say the same. The same goes for drinking alone.

Keep on coming here and read and post as much as you like! :-)

You can do this!!
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Old 08-28-2014, 03:12 AM
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Hi PMPM, awesome of you to recognize you've got a problem and start taking steps to solve it.

I bet it's been a full day now since your last drink. Way to go. We all have to start with one day. Just take it one day at a time, one hour at a time if you need to, and stick around here.
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Old 08-28-2014, 03:15 AM
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Welcome to SR.
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Old 08-28-2014, 03:42 AM
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In early sobriety I found AA was a great way to fill the hours I would have been drinking. After many attempts I discovered I couldn't do it on my own
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Old 08-28-2014, 05:20 AM
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Pickme, Welcome. This place has been great for me so you are in the right place for support. Keep reading and keep posting.
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Old 08-28-2014, 06:08 AM
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Whatever the physical or mental symptoms of withdrawal from alcohol you may experience, there are people here that have gone through the EXACT same thing.. It is different for different people, but someone here will be able to relate to what you are experiencing...we can and will help you get through this. It is tough, but VERY well worth it. Keep posting, let us know how you are doing. People here really do care.
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Old 08-28-2014, 06:58 AM
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Hi pick me. I am one of those people that are going through the same exact thing. My last drink was yesterday because of a hang over from the night before. I totally embarrassed myself and my husband. I don't want to face my in-laws or neighbors. I'm also still feeling down but this site is helping, and I truly believe I'll be OK and get past this bad feeling, and forgive myself. I can do this and so can u. You my new friend are not alone and now neither am I.
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Old 08-28-2014, 10:18 AM
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Like the song says I have been to the bottom of every bottle. Countless mornings of swearing off alcohol just to begin drinking again at night. Find the strength within you to finally put a stop to the madness and you have us to lien on if you need help.

May your seconds, minutes and hours turn into days and months and years of being sober.
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Old 08-28-2014, 10:36 AM
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Thanks so much everyone!

I managed to somehow still get to sleep before my normal time last night. So now day two.

No symptoms of withdrawal yet besides a little squeezing feeling on my head and some mood swings. Also I know I should be hungry but for some reason I am not. I can't remember what I dreamed about last night but woke up with a feeling of having done something wrong. But it does feel like a new high waking up without a hangover! Overall it has not been too bad so far. All of the kind words truly do help. I hope to be on here giving advice to a newly recovering alcoholic once I have some time under my belt.

My mood goes back and forth from being excited and looking forward to a new life without poison and some doubt over how I will deal with social situations involving drinks in the future. I am going to tell people I have become allergic to alcohol from now on. I guess it's not far from the truth, since it does make me sick in a way. Also less explaining to do. I am also hoping that me quitting will give my dad some inspiration to get help himself, it is sad seeing what he is doing and not be able to tell him I have the same problem.

Thoughts are definitely racing around but I just keep telling myself that I can do anything I want in the world except drinking. It makes it not seem so bad. It leaves so many other possibilities for what to do with my time. But, I usually don't get drink cravings till the evening, so this evening will be when I have to really watch it. No way do I want to let myself down again.
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Old 08-28-2014, 10:40 AM
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Good going, PMPM!

You live in a fantastic place--take advantage of it! There's all kinds of community resources for sober people.
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Old 08-28-2014, 10:42 AM
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Originally Posted by mrsjosaphat View Post
Hi pick me. I am one of those people that are going through the same exact thing. My last drink was yesterday because of a hang over from the night before. I totally embarrassed myself and my husband. I don't want to face my in-laws or neighbors. I'm also still feeling down but this site is helping, and I truly believe I'll be OK and get past this bad feeling, and forgive myself. I can do this and so can u. You my new friend are not alone and now neither am I.
Thank you new friend!! And glad to hear you've made the decision as well! It does suck to beat yourself up the next day after drinking too much. Erasing other peoples' memory of what you did drunk is hard but you can't change yesterday, just the rest of today and the rest of your life. But time will fade away the feeling of guilt. I hope you can forgive yourself as I am working on doing for myself as well.
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Old 08-28-2014, 10:47 AM
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Originally Posted by Coldfusion View Post
Good going, PMPM!

You live in a fantastic place--take advantage of it! There's all kinds of community resources for sober people.
Thank you! I know there are many programs within the area..just that I do have a few ex-employees who I happen to know they attend meetings in the area. I'd just rather not see anyone I know at the meetings, I feel that the truly anonymous route is best for me. I will always keep it as an option though, as a last resort.
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Old 08-28-2014, 11:14 AM
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Hello
I read your message, and it moved me as I could see similarities in me...I was terrible at meeting people when I was young and really shy...I started drinking and had 10 great years being a social star, playing guitar at parties , meeting interesting people....then after a while I realised I was becoming reclusive..Apart from my family now, I just see the odd work client, as I have to be at home drinking every evening....

Good luck and hope I get to chat to you as we both quit...

Keith
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