A new start
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2
A new start
Hi everyone.
I never thought I would join a forum like this, but hey, here I am. I decided to stop drinking. For good? If that's what it takes to be they way I should be, absolutely.
A little background: Like most teenagers (in Europe), I started drinking around the age of 16. Just af few beers in the weekends. Those few became ~8 at 18, and I was diagnosed with depression when I was 19/20. That's when I started drinking during weekdays. Just a few beers, and binge drinking during the weekends. I still felt fine... Flash forward to today. I turned 23 last month, and my tolerance has become quite high. I weigh 60 kg's and can easily drink 10 beers followed by some wine. My routine last months was 4 beers and 2 glasses of wine. I still don't think that's a lot, but my brain was heading for a breakdown.
When I was 20, I started using zoloft (an SSRI), but it didn't work for my depression. I also kept drinking during the year that I took it. I started getting very intense panic attacks, hot/cold flushes, insomnia (more specific: waking up around 30 times when falling asleep before finally really falling asleep) and anxiety. This developed over the course of the last 2 years, some months after quitting the zoloft. I couldn't figure out why I was having these attacks until I noticed that they wouldn't appear when I drank on a daily basis. It seemed the result of withdrawal, but I don't drink that much (except for the binge drinking during the weekends). I also noticed that while others were drunk, I could still have a perfect conversation, could walk fine etc. No panic when there was alcohol inside my system, and I was longing for the evening (I only drank at night). As soon as I went a few days without a drink, the panic and anxiety started. Everytime I took a train on monday morning, I would get a panic attack. I'd avoid people. I now think that there i have some sort of allergic reaction to alcohol, because alcohol works on the serotonin levels and GABA receptors (for which I took pills). Conclusion: I shouldn't influence these brain patterns. it feels like I've got mini seizures but that is probably an exaggeration.
Last sunday (after a night of binge drinking), I decided too quiet. Some sort of withdrawal started monday night and is still going strong. My vision is blurry (has been for the last few years) and my face doesn't look very fresh, the panic is visible. Furthermore, I can't look people in the eyes and don't want to get out of the house. So far it's comparable to the situation I was in after abstinence after binge drinking/daily moderate drinking, but It seems to get worse each time. That is the kindling effect, right? I'm planning on quitting for good.
I hope this is readable, for I can't really think coherent at the moment. There's a fog inside my brain and in front of my eyes (there seems to be a delay in my Eyesight). I Always thought this was normal and I just wasn't in shape, but I now realize that there is a connection with the alcohol. My father still takes the SSRI's (after 20 years), so the chemical imbalance is probably something I was born with, but alcohol must have a devastating effect on it.
I hope everything will balance out inside my brain. If I should believe some stories here; I should feel better than ever in a few weeks. I don't want to panic when I'm walking in the mall, I don't want the paranoia. I just want my eyes too shine again.
This is my story. Again, excuse me, It's not coherent, but at least I'm on day 3 of whatever this is now, and I also woke up with the flu this morning. As if it couldn't get any worse.
I never thought I would join a forum like this, but hey, here I am. I decided to stop drinking. For good? If that's what it takes to be they way I should be, absolutely.
A little background: Like most teenagers (in Europe), I started drinking around the age of 16. Just af few beers in the weekends. Those few became ~8 at 18, and I was diagnosed with depression when I was 19/20. That's when I started drinking during weekdays. Just a few beers, and binge drinking during the weekends. I still felt fine... Flash forward to today. I turned 23 last month, and my tolerance has become quite high. I weigh 60 kg's and can easily drink 10 beers followed by some wine. My routine last months was 4 beers and 2 glasses of wine. I still don't think that's a lot, but my brain was heading for a breakdown.
When I was 20, I started using zoloft (an SSRI), but it didn't work for my depression. I also kept drinking during the year that I took it. I started getting very intense panic attacks, hot/cold flushes, insomnia (more specific: waking up around 30 times when falling asleep before finally really falling asleep) and anxiety. This developed over the course of the last 2 years, some months after quitting the zoloft. I couldn't figure out why I was having these attacks until I noticed that they wouldn't appear when I drank on a daily basis. It seemed the result of withdrawal, but I don't drink that much (except for the binge drinking during the weekends). I also noticed that while others were drunk, I could still have a perfect conversation, could walk fine etc. No panic when there was alcohol inside my system, and I was longing for the evening (I only drank at night). As soon as I went a few days without a drink, the panic and anxiety started. Everytime I took a train on monday morning, I would get a panic attack. I'd avoid people. I now think that there i have some sort of allergic reaction to alcohol, because alcohol works on the serotonin levels and GABA receptors (for which I took pills). Conclusion: I shouldn't influence these brain patterns. it feels like I've got mini seizures but that is probably an exaggeration.
Last sunday (after a night of binge drinking), I decided too quiet. Some sort of withdrawal started monday night and is still going strong. My vision is blurry (has been for the last few years) and my face doesn't look very fresh, the panic is visible. Furthermore, I can't look people in the eyes and don't want to get out of the house. So far it's comparable to the situation I was in after abstinence after binge drinking/daily moderate drinking, but It seems to get worse each time. That is the kindling effect, right? I'm planning on quitting for good.
I hope this is readable, for I can't really think coherent at the moment. There's a fog inside my brain and in front of my eyes (there seems to be a delay in my Eyesight). I Always thought this was normal and I just wasn't in shape, but I now realize that there is a connection with the alcohol. My father still takes the SSRI's (after 20 years), so the chemical imbalance is probably something I was born with, but alcohol must have a devastating effect on it.
I hope everything will balance out inside my brain. If I should believe some stories here; I should feel better than ever in a few weeks. I don't want to panic when I'm walking in the mall, I don't want the paranoia. I just want my eyes too shine again.
This is my story. Again, excuse me, It's not coherent, but at least I'm on day 3 of whatever this is now, and I also woke up with the flu this morning. As if it couldn't get any worse.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: baltimore, maryland
Posts: 463
Hi Trevor, Yes you are right, the kindling effect is very real. Every detox (withdrawal) gets worse with each successive episode. I can not drink ever again because I have been through so many detox episodes I lost count. If it wasn't for some very strong meds from my doctor I would have ended up in the hospital. I know I have another binge in me but I also know I DON'T have another detox in me. Alcohol and our AV just want to kill us. Can you get to your Dr. and tell him/her what is going on with you? They might be able to help you with the anxiety. Stay safe and sober.
Pressure makes diamonds
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 521
I went through a similar situation with the panic attacks. STOP drinking for good. Binge drinking on the weekends has your body withdrawing on Mondays and starting the panic- alcohol is a poison that destroys your central nervous system. And I too had the kindling affect after stopping for a few months and then trying to moderate on weekends. It will continue to get worse and worse. It sounds like you are on day 3. Days 3 and 5 were the hardest for me, but you will start feeling better soon. Drink water, eat healthy and take b vitamins.
If you can see your doctor, I would.
It will get better- but only if you stop drinking.
If you can see your doctor, I would.
It will get better- but only if you stop drinking.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2
Hello everyone,
Thank you for the support, It's good to know that it was probably the kindling effect (why I suffered from it, and not my friends and relatives who probably drink just as much goes beyond me, but I guess we're all different. Maybe the alcohol amplified the psychological problems I already had?)
Here's an update: I stayed sober for almost 6 days, without any cravings for alcohol or whatsoever. A friend in need called me and wanted to discus something at a bar. No problem, I said, but I probably won't drink. You'd think the story takes a turn for the worst at this point, but it didn't went so bad. Spread out over 8 hours, I drank 2 beers and lots of water and juices. The beers were actually an advice from my parents who told me I shouldn't avoid situations with alcohol, but use in moderation. In my particular situation, I thought it was a wise thing to test. I didn't feel a buzz and I woke up fine this morning. No hangover, no change in mood and no real signs of anxiety. The real challenge will be tomorrow, back in the real world. If the symptoms return (starting from ~7 beers they usually would return the 2nd day after quiting/binging), well, I know what to do. I just wanted to test If I could stay true to myself, and I could. I didn't have any cravings, and still haven't. I told some friends and family members about my situation (the kindling effect) and they all said I should just relax, "you're not an alcoholic". And while that may be true (I've always been a bit manic about my health), I still think I made a good choice. No alcohol during weekdays, no alcohol when I'm alone, and no more than 2 beers or a glass of wine. I read that moderation is close to impossible for recovered alcoholics, but that it's even worse for non alcoholics who suffered from kindling. Why isn't everyone suffering from kindling?
Anyway, the worst week is behind me, and this week will be an experiment. If last night's beers turn out bad; I'm afraid I can't drink ever again. If it goes alright; it means that my periods/weekends of excessive drinking always were to blame for the panic etc. Closing thought: what if the anxiety/panic returns after staying sober for months? That's what I'm afraid of, for I'd say to myself: It wasn't the alcohol, it's your own malfunctioning brain. Guess where that'll lead.
Well, I'm rambling, let's hope my health keeps improving. I'm already looking/feeling fresh and much better than before! My sleep quality keeps improving and I even think I'm better of with shorter nights, 7 instead of the 9 last week. I'll keep you posted, thanks again.
Thank you for the support, It's good to know that it was probably the kindling effect (why I suffered from it, and not my friends and relatives who probably drink just as much goes beyond me, but I guess we're all different. Maybe the alcohol amplified the psychological problems I already had?)
Here's an update: I stayed sober for almost 6 days, without any cravings for alcohol or whatsoever. A friend in need called me and wanted to discus something at a bar. No problem, I said, but I probably won't drink. You'd think the story takes a turn for the worst at this point, but it didn't went so bad. Spread out over 8 hours, I drank 2 beers and lots of water and juices. The beers were actually an advice from my parents who told me I shouldn't avoid situations with alcohol, but use in moderation. In my particular situation, I thought it was a wise thing to test. I didn't feel a buzz and I woke up fine this morning. No hangover, no change in mood and no real signs of anxiety. The real challenge will be tomorrow, back in the real world. If the symptoms return (starting from ~7 beers they usually would return the 2nd day after quiting/binging), well, I know what to do. I just wanted to test If I could stay true to myself, and I could. I didn't have any cravings, and still haven't. I told some friends and family members about my situation (the kindling effect) and they all said I should just relax, "you're not an alcoholic". And while that may be true (I've always been a bit manic about my health), I still think I made a good choice. No alcohol during weekdays, no alcohol when I'm alone, and no more than 2 beers or a glass of wine. I read that moderation is close to impossible for recovered alcoholics, but that it's even worse for non alcoholics who suffered from kindling. Why isn't everyone suffering from kindling?
Anyway, the worst week is behind me, and this week will be an experiment. If last night's beers turn out bad; I'm afraid I can't drink ever again. If it goes alright; it means that my periods/weekends of excessive drinking always were to blame for the panic etc. Closing thought: what if the anxiety/panic returns after staying sober for months? That's what I'm afraid of, for I'd say to myself: It wasn't the alcohol, it's your own malfunctioning brain. Guess where that'll lead.
Well, I'm rambling, let's hope my health keeps improving. I'm already looking/feeling fresh and much better than before! My sleep quality keeps improving and I even think I'm better of with shorter nights, 7 instead of the 9 last week. I'll keep you posted, thanks again.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,427
Hi Trevor - welcome 
Most of us try moderation.
I'm not you and I hope things work out as you hope they will...but I found that usually I'd do great for a little while...but inevitably I'd fall back into old patterns and the same old things would happen.
If you find the same, please remember you'll find no end of support and understanding here
D
Most of us try moderation.
I'm not you and I hope things work out as you hope they will...but I found that usually I'd do great for a little while...but inevitably I'd fall back into old patterns and the same old things would happen.
If you find the same, please remember you'll find no end of support and understanding here
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Grayslake, IL
Posts: 732
Hi Trevor, welcome to SR.
Like Dee said, most of us have tried moderation with varying results. Here is my opinion on moderation.
I cannot drink ever again, or I will kill my liver again. But for the sake of context, let's say I could. I go to a bar, or out to eat, whatever, and I'm only going to have one drink. I have my drink. Maybe it makes me feel a little warm and fuzzy, and I like it. Now, I want more, but I can't, I'm moderating. Now my AV is saying "just do it, it won't hurt". So I can either give in and have another, and get even more warm and fuzzy, or I can ignore AV. Well, great, I ignore AV and stop at one.....but you can bet I will be one pissed off lady for the rest of the night.
Just one?? That's a TEASE. Only on weekends or one day a week? At night only? ULTIMATE TEASE. You see, I don't have time to think about such things like when do I drink, trying to control it, and how I'm only going to be warm and fuzzy for about an hour and then its back to reality. That's a dissappointment. However, this is only this Lady's opinion.
Good luck and Be Well
Bunnez
Like Dee said, most of us have tried moderation with varying results. Here is my opinion on moderation.
I cannot drink ever again, or I will kill my liver again. But for the sake of context, let's say I could. I go to a bar, or out to eat, whatever, and I'm only going to have one drink. I have my drink. Maybe it makes me feel a little warm and fuzzy, and I like it. Now, I want more, but I can't, I'm moderating. Now my AV is saying "just do it, it won't hurt". So I can either give in and have another, and get even more warm and fuzzy, or I can ignore AV. Well, great, I ignore AV and stop at one.....but you can bet I will be one pissed off lady for the rest of the night.
Just one?? That's a TEASE. Only on weekends or one day a week? At night only? ULTIMATE TEASE. You see, I don't have time to think about such things like when do I drink, trying to control it, and how I'm only going to be warm and fuzzy for about an hour and then its back to reality. That's a dissappointment. However, this is only this Lady's opinion.
Good luck and Be Well
Bunnez
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
