BrokeBad

I've been hanging around the forum for a few years, got sober for one whole year!!! then slowly slipped back and now I can't string more than three days of sobriety together. It is frustrating and painful.

I've got severe social anxiety, so even posting anonymously is really tough! But I need to do something different, step out somehow, even if it's as simple as an anonymous note here....

Not sure what to do, how to break through this awful time - feel like booze has me in a straight jacket. :-(

Waterfalls2014

Hi Broken and welcome! Glad to see you here posting. Stick with us. You'll get tons of support!

ccam1973

Welcome bb.

Glad you decided to post! Being active here has helped me a ton. Went 9 months last year by lurking on SR. Fell back quickly to my old habits at the end of the year.

Finally had enough and joined in april. It's made all of the difference in the world to me.

Use the strength you gained from the year you have sober. You can do this. You know it 7s worth the effort.

Good luck!

instant

three days is good- what happens on day 4?

ScottFromWI

Welcome back Broke. You must have been doing something right to stay sober for a whole year, anything you can draw on from that experience?

colagirl

Hi BrokeBad! I remember you because I love your username. I think we met on here last year right at the end of my drinking career. I have over 9 months now and I don't post that much but I read here almost every day. Looking forward to more posts from you!

coming_clean

Welcome,

It's a good think you've decided to speak out.

we're all on the same boat here,

PurpleKnight

Welcome back, you'll find loads of support here on SR!!

DisplacedGRITS

Hi bb! Sounds like it's time to get good and uncomfortable. I too suffered from severe social anxiety. I was terrified at the idea of socializing with people when i was drinking. I found that i needed a good hard buzz to be around people. It quited my nerves and let me put on a false bravado that i never really felt. When i first got sober, i had to spend a lot of time around a bunch of strange, sober alcoholics. They didn't tisk tisk at my shaky hands or admissions of fear. No one mocked my insecurities and when i shared my feelings about the world and my role in it, i got sympathetic nods. It took a ton of nerve for me to go to a meeting but i did it and i found my salvation.

Don't get stuck in your comfort zone. If you're like me, you're confortable when you're drunk and your mind is in a calmer state. I had to relearn how to function in society sober. Heck, it was an extreme effort just to look someone in the eye or to remember someone's name 10 seconds after they told me it. The thing is, i surrounded myself with people who could empathize with me and they helped me learn how to be a fully (well, mostly) functional person again and i am forever grateful.

IOAA2

Hi and welcome back. It’s easy to make recommendations not being in your shoes. The best thing I can say is to not pick up a next drink as a starter. It’s that simple and I’m sure you realize it.
As far as your social fears are concerned, have you pursued medical advice and followed it?
There are many ideas for your success if you faithfully follow them. If the fear is so overpowering it might be an idea to pursue the reasons for that.
I say this because we have a progressive disease which can get much worse in a heartbeat.
Better work on it now before it’s too late.

BE WELL

BrokeBad

Wow, thanks everyone. What a nice bunch of posts to find here on my little thread! I appreciate it. I also feel like I "know" a lot of you from reading tons of posts over the past years - displaced grits, you're one and so are you, cola! :-)

Ok, here's the update: today is day 1 and it has been ok. I had a few thoughts of drinking, but kept telling myself, I'm not going to drink now and I'm never changing my mind. Usually day one and two are pretty easy for me, though.

I went to bed as soon as I got home (5 pm!) to help get past the craving time, which is right now.....

Broke

Notimetoloose

Well done, day one is great and you are of to a wonderful start
You made me laugh, in the early couple of weeks I was in bed so early, just to break the habit and get me out of my head...I am not AA but I did do a few meetings. Also a few SMART meetings....I can not tell how much support I felt...Talking is wonderful, even if you have that awful compromised feeling, push through it...get it out, or write it down..

BrokeBad

You're so right about pushing through and gettin it out. Displaced said it too, with getting out of my comfort zone.

I have had a blog ready to go to write about my sober journey, when I finally have made it through the first week, but I never got that far. Obviously I just need to start writing and sharing, and go from there....

SoberJohn

Seems like you are stepping in the right direction by posting here.

BrokeBad

Oh, Instant, you asked what happens on day 4.... Well, all I can say is my booze brain starts working and I forget all about how destructive and oppressive alcohol is in my life. I forget! Can you imagine? I don't understand it.

What helped me overcome that amnesia when I was sober for a year was visualization: I imagined myself in a sunny, beautiful pasture with fragrant grass and wild flowers around me; my friends and family are in a circle, surrounding me, all of them seeing me as I sit there ..... Really really wasted, bloated and pasty-faced, totally out of it. And that imagery jolted me to the realities of my addiction.

So, I will start doing that again and see if it's as powerful as it was the last go around.

Soliloquy

Brokebad
When I read that you have "severe social anxiety" I got excited. I know it's selfish and I'm sorry that you have the same awful struggle, but I have it really bad too. Excruciatingly bad. So bad that I can't get help for it. I just realized that I said bad 3 times in 3 sentences and your name is brokebad.
Anyway it is probably the main reason I have abused alcohol. I'm only on 7 weeks so I am in no position to offer advice, but I wanted to thank you for opening up and encourage you to continue posting. Believe me, I know it's not easy. But I know it helps me posting on here. I usually stick to posting in my class because I feel "safe" there. Maybe you can consider joining the August class? I find that it's easier to express my feelings online anonymously than it is in real life. Even though it makes me panoid.

colagirl

I had to laugh about you going to bed at 5pm. I did that many days in the beginning! I say, do it as long as you need to to get through that initial period of doubting whether you can really do this. Because you CAN really do this. It sounds like you have a great foundation to start from because you've had a year sober before. I was never sober quite that long, but it still helps me to think back on what worked and what didn't during some of my longer stretches. Especially thinking back on where I went wrong, so I can avoid those same traps again.

You said "I'm not going to drink now and I will never change my mind"... are you using AVRT? Your description of what happens on day 4 sounds like pure AV to me - my counselor has helped me to externalize that voice so that I can "physically" look at it and tell it to shut up. It sounds weird, but I even say it out loud sometimes and it has helped me get through a few bad craving days.

Soberwolf

Wishing you all the luck in the world in your recovery

instant

BB if you have not read about AVRT I suggest do so- I find the idea of the addictive voice- useful- I think I read in the big book something about our own internal 'alcohol salesman'- I found once I accepted I was addicted and as a result I was irrational - I found the ideas useful- in short when tempted we can train ourselves not to swallow our own BS

BrokeBad

Hi all, I passed a HUGE test this afternoon. It is day 2 and I drove home from work, with a 4 day weekend ahead. I naturally thought, "gee, a six pack of really expensive beer sounds like a good idea!" I rolled this over in my mind the whole 30 minute drive home and ... I chose drive home, no stopping. !!!! It was remarkably difficult. But I'm now in my pjs and not going anywhere.

Instant, I absolutely agree with the principles of AVRT and it helped me stay sober for that long stretch a few years ago. I need to reread the info and start applying it....

So, good news. I'm sober and drinking La Croix with lime!!!!