New Here. My Wife Is a Drunk. Looking for Help.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: The South
Posts: 59
New Here. My Wife Is a Drunk. Looking for Help.
Joined SR yesterday after long internet search. I've read through quite a few postings but my situation seems different than most, although the personal hurt and potential for real significant and lasting damage is the same. I'm hoping that some who have been down the path before will help show me the way, warn of twists and turns and point out the potholes.
I'm late 60s and my wife is late 50s. I'm a retired educational administrator and she is an engineer in a highly specialized field. She works in secure areas two weeks of each month and is home for two weeks. We've been married for 4 years and it's the second for each.
When she's away and at work, she cannot drink. And, given the circumstances, I don't believe she does. Were she to be found with any alcohol on property, she'd be fired immediately.
When she's home she drinks. In fact, she flies first class and is pretty much toasted by the time she gets home and I get her at the airport. Champagne is her drink of choice, but in a pinch any decent wine or in a double pinch, Miller Light, will do.
As they do, things have gotten progressively worse. Before it was heavy social drinking...before during and after an evening out. Beer on a long trip. Now, it begins at 9 am and ends when she passes out at 7 pm or takes a nap, gets up and stays up drinking after I've gone to bed. She's up to more than two bottles a day. The liquor bill is more than our mortgage.
As for me, I stopped drinking 6 months ago. Just stopped. Several reasons. First, I was 30 pounds over weight. Secondly, I found myself drinking more and being silly. I found that drink number 3 in the course of an evening would lead to drink number 10. I didn't like waking up the next morning and wondering what had happened the night before. So, I stopped, started going to the gym and eating healthier. Have dropped 35 pounds, built some muscle and actually have some definition. Not bad for an old fart.
Everyone has challenges in their lives and my wife has had more than her share. She comes from a family with addictive personalities. Her mother physically abused her when she was a child--beatings courtesy of that old time religion. She ran away as soon as she could, and running away has become her way of dealing with confrontation. She ran from her first husband, ran from two longer term relationships, and twice in our marriage, she's just flown the coop when pressed about personal issues. When she returned, I was the one who apologized. I tried to nice things better. I realize now after much reading, I was only feeding the monster.
Now, she's the guardian for her mother who is demented and in assisted care. Her father is a milquetoast who whines and heaps grief and guilt on her. So, she's responsible for the well-being of the parent who beat her and made her childhood a living hell. There are other disagreeable family dynamics.
She blames the family situation for drinking. I've been reading and I think it's an excuse for increased drinking. I got her to the doctor's and and her blood levels are very high for two dangerous conditions. We talked with the doc both separately and together. He prescribed some meds and told her to onlly drink in moderation. I thought that this would bring her around. It didn't and if anything she's drinking more, thinking the meds solve the problem. Also, got her to see a counselor for the stress associated with family stuff. After first meeting, sounds like they talked about everything except the elephant in the living room, alcohol. She's going to go back, but is skeptical of the counselor's usefulness.
When my wife is sober, she's the most giving, fun, logical and intelligent person I know. When she drinks, she's mean, sarcastic, and unpredictable. It's walking on eggshells time.
So, here's my plan...when she returns in 10 days--the day after she's back because of the drinking on the way--I'll ask for a serious talk and lay out what I see and how it is affecting me and what I see it doing to her. This will be a first. Also, I'm going to tell her that I'll no longer buy any booze at a store or at a restaurant. I will get the "you're controlling and you're trying to control me" speech in return. Normally this would make me back off. My response now to say that she needs to control herself, and I'll ask for joint counseling where I can clue the counselor in.
I've checked into local Al Anon meetings but haven't gone yet. Most of the stories I've read about about husbands who drink and I expect the dynamic will be the same at Al Anon. Could be wrong, of course.
Any advice?
I'm late 60s and my wife is late 50s. I'm a retired educational administrator and she is an engineer in a highly specialized field. She works in secure areas two weeks of each month and is home for two weeks. We've been married for 4 years and it's the second for each.
When she's away and at work, she cannot drink. And, given the circumstances, I don't believe she does. Were she to be found with any alcohol on property, she'd be fired immediately.
When she's home she drinks. In fact, she flies first class and is pretty much toasted by the time she gets home and I get her at the airport. Champagne is her drink of choice, but in a pinch any decent wine or in a double pinch, Miller Light, will do.
As they do, things have gotten progressively worse. Before it was heavy social drinking...before during and after an evening out. Beer on a long trip. Now, it begins at 9 am and ends when she passes out at 7 pm or takes a nap, gets up and stays up drinking after I've gone to bed. She's up to more than two bottles a day. The liquor bill is more than our mortgage.
As for me, I stopped drinking 6 months ago. Just stopped. Several reasons. First, I was 30 pounds over weight. Secondly, I found myself drinking more and being silly. I found that drink number 3 in the course of an evening would lead to drink number 10. I didn't like waking up the next morning and wondering what had happened the night before. So, I stopped, started going to the gym and eating healthier. Have dropped 35 pounds, built some muscle and actually have some definition. Not bad for an old fart.
Everyone has challenges in their lives and my wife has had more than her share. She comes from a family with addictive personalities. Her mother physically abused her when she was a child--beatings courtesy of that old time religion. She ran away as soon as she could, and running away has become her way of dealing with confrontation. She ran from her first husband, ran from two longer term relationships, and twice in our marriage, she's just flown the coop when pressed about personal issues. When she returned, I was the one who apologized. I tried to nice things better. I realize now after much reading, I was only feeding the monster.
Now, she's the guardian for her mother who is demented and in assisted care. Her father is a milquetoast who whines and heaps grief and guilt on her. So, she's responsible for the well-being of the parent who beat her and made her childhood a living hell. There are other disagreeable family dynamics.
She blames the family situation for drinking. I've been reading and I think it's an excuse for increased drinking. I got her to the doctor's and and her blood levels are very high for two dangerous conditions. We talked with the doc both separately and together. He prescribed some meds and told her to onlly drink in moderation. I thought that this would bring her around. It didn't and if anything she's drinking more, thinking the meds solve the problem. Also, got her to see a counselor for the stress associated with family stuff. After first meeting, sounds like they talked about everything except the elephant in the living room, alcohol. She's going to go back, but is skeptical of the counselor's usefulness.
When my wife is sober, she's the most giving, fun, logical and intelligent person I know. When she drinks, she's mean, sarcastic, and unpredictable. It's walking on eggshells time.
So, here's my plan...when she returns in 10 days--the day after she's back because of the drinking on the way--I'll ask for a serious talk and lay out what I see and how it is affecting me and what I see it doing to her. This will be a first. Also, I'm going to tell her that I'll no longer buy any booze at a store or at a restaurant. I will get the "you're controlling and you're trying to control me" speech in return. Normally this would make me back off. My response now to say that she needs to control herself, and I'll ask for joint counseling where I can clue the counselor in.
I've checked into local Al Anon meetings but haven't gone yet. Most of the stories I've read about about husbands who drink and I expect the dynamic will be the same at Al Anon. Could be wrong, of course.
Any advice?
Last edited by Rev 3:16; 08-26-2014 at 01:08 PM. Reason: typo
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Welcome to the Forum!! 
Your wife needs to want to sort out her drinking, before you deceded to quit would anything that was said to you have made you quit, or did you have to find the decision within yourself to quit? therein lies the problem.
Al-anon is a great place, I went when I was younger, my dad was an alcoholic, and you'd be surprised, the dynamic can be full of sons, uncles, friends, boyfriends and husbands, support is very important as looking in on alcoholism can be very lonely and frustrating!!
You'll find loads of support here on SR, we also have a friends and family section, which may be worth checking out too!!
Your wife needs to want to sort out her drinking, before you deceded to quit would anything that was said to you have made you quit, or did you have to find the decision within yourself to quit? therein lies the problem.
Al-anon is a great place, I went when I was younger, my dad was an alcoholic, and you'd be surprised, the dynamic can be full of sons, uncles, friends, boyfriends and husbands, support is very important as looking in on alcoholism can be very lonely and frustrating!!
You'll find loads of support here on SR, we also have a friends and family section, which may be worth checking out too!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: CA
Posts: 3,360
An alcoholic has to want to stop drinking for their self. stopping for another person usually doesn't work very well. Let your spouse know you no longer drink and don't intend to facilitate her drinking.
Why not try whatever support system you feel is helpful to maintain your sobriety.
Congratulations on your decision to embrace sobriety,
Why not try whatever support system you feel is helpful to maintain your sobriety.
Congratulations on your decision to embrace sobriety,
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Welcome to the forum.
When I drank I was the mean, sarcastic, unpredictable wife. It was a very ugly side to my personality and I can understand fully why you don't want to live with that any longer.
It all comes down to whether your wife acknowledges that she has a problem with alcohol and whether she wants to stop drinking. Until she admits that she has a problem she will probably, like me, get extremely hostile, angry and more unpleasant if she feels you are attacking her source of comfort.
Please stick around here. I started on SR because I was looking for help in dealing with my husband's alcoholism - without really paying attention to my own problem. I found the family and friends forum to be awesome. Why not check it out?
When I drank I was the mean, sarcastic, unpredictable wife. It was a very ugly side to my personality and I can understand fully why you don't want to live with that any longer.
It all comes down to whether your wife acknowledges that she has a problem with alcohol and whether she wants to stop drinking. Until she admits that she has a problem she will probably, like me, get extremely hostile, angry and more unpleasant if she feels you are attacking her source of comfort.
Please stick around here. I started on SR because I was looking for help in dealing with my husband's alcoholism - without really paying attention to my own problem. I found the family and friends forum to be awesome. Why not check it out?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Welcome to SR, Time4Joy. There's a lot of experience, strength and hope being shared here, and I hope you find the help you're looking for.
You may want to take a look at the Family and Friends section of the forum here: Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information Don't miss the stickied threads at the top of the page, either. There's a lot of useful info there. Here's a thread you might find helpful as a newcomer: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Good for you for checking into Alanon. I've found the combination of Alanon and SR to be a good one, since each has its own strong points. It does seem that many of the meetings I've been to have had more women than men, but it's more like 60/40 or 70/30, not like there is only one man. If you feel you'd be more comfortable w/men, you can check for a men's group in your area--I live in an urban area and we have women only, men only and lesbian/gay/bi/transgender meetings as well as meetings for kids and teens.
I'd also like to address what you mentioned about your situation being different than most others here--I think, if you hang around (and I hope you do), that you'll see there's not much that's truly unique about any one A or any alcoholic situation. We all thought our situation was different, special, not like the others here, but as we learn more, we start to see the huge similarities rather than the tiny differences. And the good thing about that is that we can help each other, since we're all going thru the same thing.
Glad you found us here, and I wish you strength and clarity, Time4Joy. Hope to see you over in Family and Friends.
You may want to take a look at the Family and Friends section of the forum here: Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information Don't miss the stickied threads at the top of the page, either. There's a lot of useful info there. Here's a thread you might find helpful as a newcomer: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Good for you for checking into Alanon. I've found the combination of Alanon and SR to be a good one, since each has its own strong points. It does seem that many of the meetings I've been to have had more women than men, but it's more like 60/40 or 70/30, not like there is only one man. If you feel you'd be more comfortable w/men, you can check for a men's group in your area--I live in an urban area and we have women only, men only and lesbian/gay/bi/transgender meetings as well as meetings for kids and teens.
I'd also like to address what you mentioned about your situation being different than most others here--I think, if you hang around (and I hope you do), that you'll see there's not much that's truly unique about any one A or any alcoholic situation. We all thought our situation was different, special, not like the others here, but as we learn more, we start to see the huge similarities rather than the tiny differences. And the good thing about that is that we can help each other, since we're all going thru the same thing.
Glad you found us here, and I wish you strength and clarity, Time4Joy. Hope to see you over in Family and Friends.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Im male and my gf walked out said if I didn't want to stop she's not going to watch it anymore
Well done on stopping drinking yourself and loosing the weight and building some muscles
I would stick with your idea tell her calmly that enough is enough it could be she needs counselling or she has PTSD and the alcohol is unleashing it all which it does
Wish you all the best keep posting and hang in there you not so old fart
Good luck hope all goes well
Well done on stopping drinking yourself and loosing the weight and building some muscles
I would stick with your idea tell her calmly that enough is enough it could be she needs counselling or she has PTSD and the alcohol is unleashing it all which it does
Wish you all the best keep posting and hang in there you not so old fart
Good luck hope all goes well
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hiya Time4Joy,
Pop over to the families and friends section. It is a link further down on the main forum page. Here is a link to help direct you.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Welcome! You clearly have a lot of insight and sound willing to try a different approach. There are some other fellows dealing with wives there.
Your plan (boundary) is a fine start. You are wise in that it is your action you are controlling, not hers.
Pop over to the families and friends section. It is a link further down on the main forum page. Here is a link to help direct you.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Welcome! You clearly have a lot of insight and sound willing to try a different approach. There are some other fellows dealing with wives there.
Your plan (boundary) is a fine start. You are wise in that it is your action you are controlling, not hers.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 314
I'm not going through the same but sure most of us of have significant others who indulge in HEAVY drinking. Mines is planning on drinking after work already! And I support her and want her to live her life, the decision and choice is yours on how to handle your situation I just wish you the strength to do what you feel is right no matter how hard!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: The South
Posts: 59
Thank you all. Brought tears to my eyes...the immediate and caring responses. One of the bad things is having to keep things to yourself which leads to the feeling that you really are alone. For your sakes one and all, I wish you weren't here. But, I'm glad that since you are you've shown me some kindness and insight.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,760
Welcome to the family. I'm glad you found us and joined the gang. Lots of caring and useful info here. I hope you take care of yourself and I hope your wife stops drinking. Sending you hugs and strength. 
I'm glad you found us and joined the gang. Lots of caring and useful info here. I hope you take care of yourself and I hope your wife stops drinking. Sending you hugs and strength. Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 465
I think al-anon is a great idea for you! My dad started going when dealing with his alcoholic daughter, myself, became too much for him to handle. I know it's helped him a great deal during some very trying times.
Plus, you've got us for additional support. I think your heart is in the right place and while I agree that your wife has to WANT to get sober, I hope she'll hear you out.
Plus, you've got us for additional support. I think your heart is in the right place and while I agree that your wife has to WANT to get sober, I hope she'll hear you out.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
If she is an alcoholic and you come in between her and her lover you can expect some fireworks unless she is willing to admit she has a problem and is willing to do something about it.
Alcoholics will always have an excuse to drink. My daughter recently died which is a great excuse but not for me. I simply can not drink because it will kill me.
If she is not ready there is nothing you can say or do that is going to change her. In the end you will have 2 choices. Leave the marriage or accept her alcoholism and learn to live with it
In ALANON you will learn about boundaries, enabling, support, and codependent behavior.
As others have said it is very important you take care of yourself. You won't fix her but you can fix yourself
Alcoholics will always have an excuse to drink. My daughter recently died which is a great excuse but not for me. I simply can not drink because it will kill me.
If she is not ready there is nothing you can say or do that is going to change her. In the end you will have 2 choices. Leave the marriage or accept her alcoholism and learn to live with it
In ALANON you will learn about boundaries, enabling, support, and codependent behavior.
As others have said it is very important you take care of yourself. You won't fix her but you can fix yourself
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,649
Hi Time4Joy, and welcome to SR. I quit drinking over a year ago, and my husband is drunk every night. No days off from his drinking. We are both over 60 and I don't see this changing. I have learned to tune him out when he is drinking. You can't fight with yourself. After I see he has had a few drinks, I go read a book or go to the computer. I don't engage. He is a great guy sober, so I enjoy our mornings. I realize I can't make him quit, or want to quit. That has to come from within. I do love him, and I will be here for him. Do I wish he would quit? More then anything. Can I change him? No.
I have a good life, and I love being sober. Sometimes it is hard, but when he says something stupid, I remind myself he is drunk, and move on. I wish you the best. Congratulations on putting the alcohol down. Life is so much better without it. We are all here for you.
I have a good life, and I love being sober. Sometimes it is hard, but when he says something stupid, I remind myself he is drunk, and move on. I wish you the best. Congratulations on putting the alcohol down. Life is so much better without it. We are all here for you.
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