Scared for my future
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Alberta, Calgary
Posts: 32
Scared for my future
Okay so here goes, I'm new to this site and it's the first time I've posted but I need to get some things off my chest.
I've been binge drinking for about 10 years now since developing anorexia at 18 years old, the alcohol seemed to help me forget how hungry I was and get rid of the pangs, so every weekend I would get fall over/pass out drunk. Then I fell pregnant at 21 and in time recovered from the anorexia and quit drinking for my pregnancy. The drinking soon started back up again however after my daughter was born, with regular weekend binges, passing out, falling over, doubt things I am incredibly ashamed of! Somehow during a this I've managed to keep up with the regular things in life, I went to university, kept a part time job, kept a clean home and a husband, but lost a few friends along the way.
My problem is although I've always known I drink more than most, over the last few months I've been getting more and more worried about my drinking habits, my husband works out of tow and I have no family near by anymore so I found myself drinking excessively during the week, getting terrible hangovers, missing work etc, so I started a journal and quit for 13 days, then thought I can just av 1 or 2 which turned into 10, then the cycle has begun again!
I'm so concerned as my father is an alcoholic and despite losing his wife, and his relationship breaking down with his children nothing has been enough to stop him!
My daughter got upset with me on Sunday and said she doesn't like that her dad and I go to parties and everyone gets drunk all the time, she said I always do silly things and don't listen to her. It made me feel so guilty and I have again started sobriety! But having tried so many times I'm scared I won't make it and I'm just gonna turn into my own father, lonely, selfish and drunk.
Although I'm sure my husband knows I have a problem he has never said it seriously he has joked I'm like my father, but he likes a drink too (probably not as much as me) and I think the thought of me stopping worries him too that we won't have a social life.
I really need to sort this out I don't want to be worrying about slipping up for the rest of my life! Does that ever pass?
I've been binge drinking for about 10 years now since developing anorexia at 18 years old, the alcohol seemed to help me forget how hungry I was and get rid of the pangs, so every weekend I would get fall over/pass out drunk. Then I fell pregnant at 21 and in time recovered from the anorexia and quit drinking for my pregnancy. The drinking soon started back up again however after my daughter was born, with regular weekend binges, passing out, falling over, doubt things I am incredibly ashamed of! Somehow during a this I've managed to keep up with the regular things in life, I went to university, kept a part time job, kept a clean home and a husband, but lost a few friends along the way.
My problem is although I've always known I drink more than most, over the last few months I've been getting more and more worried about my drinking habits, my husband works out of tow and I have no family near by anymore so I found myself drinking excessively during the week, getting terrible hangovers, missing work etc, so I started a journal and quit for 13 days, then thought I can just av 1 or 2 which turned into 10, then the cycle has begun again!
I'm so concerned as my father is an alcoholic and despite losing his wife, and his relationship breaking down with his children nothing has been enough to stop him!
My daughter got upset with me on Sunday and said she doesn't like that her dad and I go to parties and everyone gets drunk all the time, she said I always do silly things and don't listen to her. It made me feel so guilty and I have again started sobriety! But having tried so many times I'm scared I won't make it and I'm just gonna turn into my own father, lonely, selfish and drunk.
Although I'm sure my husband knows I have a problem he has never said it seriously he has joked I'm like my father, but he likes a drink too (probably not as much as me) and I think the thought of me stopping worries him too that we won't have a social life.
I really need to sort this out I don't want to be worrying about slipping up for the rest of my life! Does that ever pass?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Welcome to the Forum Sunsetred!! 
The anxiety of slipping up does pass with time, the stronger we get in our Sobriety, however I had to accept that alcohol and myself were parting ways on a permanent basis, abstinence did not cure or fix me, to the point I could now continue my drinking, that 1st drink would always lead to the same place!!
Support is important, you'll find loads here on SR, doing it on my own never worked, because my mind could convince me of all sorts of reasons why I could drink again, and I needed something outside of myself to tell me I couldn't and help me stick to my resolve!!
You can do this!!
The anxiety of slipping up does pass with time, the stronger we get in our Sobriety, however I had to accept that alcohol and myself were parting ways on a permanent basis, abstinence did not cure or fix me, to the point I could now continue my drinking, that 1st drink would always lead to the same place!!
Support is important, you'll find loads here on SR, doing it on my own never worked, because my mind could convince me of all sorts of reasons why I could drink again, and I needed something outside of myself to tell me I couldn't and help me stick to my resolve!!
You can do this!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 380
"But having tried so many times I'm scared I won't make it and I'm just gonna turn into my own father, lonely, selfish and drunk. "
It sounds like self defeating language above. Just keep trying if that's what you want. If you're goal oriented start with a 1 day goal or week or month...but just start.
Good luck!
It sounds like self defeating language above. Just keep trying if that's what you want. If you're goal oriented start with a 1 day goal or week or month...but just start.
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: PA
Posts: 12,000
Welcome Sunsetred. It can be difficult in the beginning. Understanding what lies ahead for you if you continue down that path should be enough to motivate you.
Since your husband jokes about it - maybe a passive aggressive approach - may I suggest you have a sit down and discuss your concerns in a logical manner? If you discuss your fears, concerns and desire to change your ways, he may become your champion in this fight.
Since your husband jokes about it - maybe a passive aggressive approach - may I suggest you have a sit down and discuss your concerns in a logical manner? If you discuss your fears, concerns and desire to change your ways, he may become your champion in this fight.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Alberta, Calgary
Posts: 32
I know I should tell my husband that I know I have a genuine problem, but I'm embarrassed to admit to it. I feel ashamed that I am like this, and of the things I have done, drinking alone, hiding the evidence etc he doesn't know things were that bad.
I feel embarrassed that I know I people must think it of me too, I go to social gatherings and always end up being drunk, and embarrassing myself and I'm sure people must talk about my behaviour, I will get flashbacks the next day of the look on someone's face or remember how someone appeared to be trying to avoid speaking to me and feel so ashamed, vow not to do it again, then by Thursday things don't seem as bad, I kid myself it wasn't as bad as I remembered it and I was just beating myself up for no reason, and then another weekend of drinking commences!!
I hate how I feel right now, the more I want to be sober the more I think of all the shameful things I have done and that really gets me down and feeling complete shame!!
Thanks for the support
I feel embarrassed that I know I people must think it of me too, I go to social gatherings and always end up being drunk, and embarrassing myself and I'm sure people must talk about my behaviour, I will get flashbacks the next day of the look on someone's face or remember how someone appeared to be trying to avoid speaking to me and feel so ashamed, vow not to do it again, then by Thursday things don't seem as bad, I kid myself it wasn't as bad as I remembered it and I was just beating myself up for no reason, and then another weekend of drinking commences!!
I hate how I feel right now, the more I want to be sober the more I think of all the shameful things I have done and that really gets me down and feeling complete shame!!
Thanks for the support
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Philadelphia, USA
Posts: 245
Hi Sunsetred, I'm glad you've joined us here.
The shame and embarrassment you're describing is super valid and real - there were times when I felt it would sallow me whole. But just because a feeling is big doesn't mean it is permanent. Remember that all of us here have experienced what you are going through, in one way or another. Sharing these things is very difficult, especially with loved ones, but it is possible and the benefits are well worth it. You can't change what has already happened, but you can totally influence what is to come.
The shame and embarrassment you're describing is super valid and real - there were times when I felt it would sallow me whole. But just because a feeling is big doesn't mean it is permanent. Remember that all of us here have experienced what you are going through, in one way or another. Sharing these things is very difficult, especially with loved ones, but it is possible and the benefits are well worth it. You can't change what has already happened, but you can totally influence what is to come.
Kaleidoscope eyes
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: London
Posts: 5,243
The shame was the thing that always got me and I would invariably drink over it again. It's like a distant memory now and I try to think of those shameful moments as a learning curve now. It does get easier xxx
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Sunset, I think you're correct to be worried. My parents drank a lot when I was in my teens and we hated it. It can make your home life really hard and cause resentment. For your own sake, the drinking will be bad for your health and brain function. I know what it's like, I was an alcoholic myself and have been sober for 2 and a half years. What worked for me was having a frank talk to my doctor, and looking up alcoholism on the internet. Gradually I realised how damaging it was to my physical and mental health.
Moderating doesn't work for us, you have to accept that you won't drink again, for the best of reasons. It's much more relaxing if you can come to terms with this. No more self-reproach and you are setting an example to your daughter.
Moderating doesn't work for us, you have to accept that you won't drink again, for the best of reasons. It's much more relaxing if you can come to terms with this. No more self-reproach and you are setting an example to your daughter.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Alberta, Calgary
Posts: 32
Thank you so much for responding!
I've been reading a lot of posts this morning and it has made it even more clear how bad my drinking really is! The same things which I can relate to keep coming up, can't stop once I've started drinking, black outs, embarrassment, convincing myself I can just have the one time and time again then waking up with no memory of the previous night.
I'm so serious about sorting this out right now, the hangovers, Shame and my potential future aren't worth all this!
I've been reading a lot of posts this morning and it has made it even more clear how bad my drinking really is! The same things which I can relate to keep coming up, can't stop once I've started drinking, black outs, embarrassment, convincing myself I can just have the one time and time again then waking up with no memory of the previous night.
I'm so serious about sorting this out right now, the hangovers, Shame and my potential future aren't worth all this!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
The shame: you can't unring that bell. What you can do is go forward without having those incidents happen ever again. People will forgive you, they will forget. You will also forgive yourself - but it requires a change.
The further away from the drink you get, the better you will feel about yourself. Just power through those memories, we all have them.
Live for today, yesterday is gone and tomorrow will take care of itself.
The further away from the drink you get, the better you will feel about yourself. Just power through those memories, we all have them.
Live for today, yesterday is gone and tomorrow will take care of itself.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Gulf Coast, USA
Posts: 2,229
Welcome sunsetred! Great community here at SR with tons of support.
The one thing I know is life is better without booze. Period and as simple as that. Most of us can relate to feelings / experiences as you describe.
I used to hide bottles everywhere; replacing bottled water with vodka in the bottle, taking the bag-o-wine out of the box-o-wine to make it easier to hide, always, always, always knowing just how much alcohol (beer, wine or booze) i had on hand, in the house, in the car or anywhere in between at any given time.
My wife had no idea I had gotten so bad.
Long story short, you can make the change for good. It all starts and ends with not having the first drink. Life is so much less complicated, so much more clear, so much better with out the pain of drinking. NOT saying everything is always great, happy and upbeat because it's not... but that's life.
IMO, once you make the final decision to quit for good, I would have a talk with your husband. Nothing to be ashamed about, the past is in the past. It gets easier with sober time to create wonderful, positive, memories that you will remember and not be ashamed of.
I do know if you don't quit then you are just going to repeat yesterday's cycle. That's a given for everyone who is trying to recover.
You can make this happen. Listen to others here, read their stories and make a plan.
Welcome and best of luck!
The one thing I know is life is better without booze. Period and as simple as that. Most of us can relate to feelings / experiences as you describe.
I used to hide bottles everywhere; replacing bottled water with vodka in the bottle, taking the bag-o-wine out of the box-o-wine to make it easier to hide, always, always, always knowing just how much alcohol (beer, wine or booze) i had on hand, in the house, in the car or anywhere in between at any given time.
My wife had no idea I had gotten so bad.
Long story short, you can make the change for good. It all starts and ends with not having the first drink. Life is so much less complicated, so much more clear, so much better with out the pain of drinking. NOT saying everything is always great, happy and upbeat because it's not... but that's life.
IMO, once you make the final decision to quit for good, I would have a talk with your husband. Nothing to be ashamed about, the past is in the past. It gets easier with sober time to create wonderful, positive, memories that you will remember and not be ashamed of.
I do know if you don't quit then you are just going to repeat yesterday's cycle. That's a given for everyone who is trying to recover.
You can make this happen. Listen to others here, read their stories and make a plan.
Welcome and best of luck!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Welcome.
You can have a far more joyous and full life.
Congratulations on taking the first step of the first step.
You're amongst understanding friends and you've found a supportive place to begin your journey of sobriety.
You can have a far more joyous and full life.
Congratulations on taking the first step of the first step.
You're amongst understanding friends and you've found a supportive place to begin your journey of sobriety.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Alberta, Calgary
Posts: 32
Thanks to everyone for responding, I feel a little better having just said it, although not out loud at least to someone. Thanks again really appreciate all your support I think I'll be visiting this site very often for the foreseeable future :-)
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 819
My husband never said a word about my drinking but he knew. I decided to just go to him and say it-I am an alcoholic and I need help to quit drinking. Best thing I ever did! It was a huge relief for both of us and he has been my biggest help. Maybe when your husband jokes he is giving you a gentle nudge?
The shame and embarrassment is something I think we all have in common. (Hey, my rock bottom had a basement, sub-basement, couple of tunnels ....) But there is no shame in admitting we have a problem. I can't change my past but now I can change my future.
The shame and embarrassment is something I think we all have in common. (Hey, my rock bottom had a basement, sub-basement, couple of tunnels ....) But there is no shame in admitting we have a problem. I can't change my past but now I can change my future.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Lost in the midwest
Posts: 443
My husband tried shaming me into believing myself that I had a problem. He would tell me what's his friends would say about my drinking. He reached out do some of my close friends and then I could finally admit it. Had a few bouts of sober time, but nothing has kept me living a sober life. I wasn't being completely honest with myself. I don't want to be an alcoholic, and I have tried many times to prove I am not, with failed success. I know I would take a bullet for anyone in my life, but I can't seem to stop drinking on my own. I recently changed up my program and got a new sponsor. She's brought a safety net and sense of peace to my life. I don't want to go back to making excuses to my kids, pretending I didn't black out to my husband and putting on a fake smiling face for those in my life who don't know what's going on. It's time to get real and be real. Making a decision is simply that- a decision. Now it's time to out actions into it. It's day 5 for me. And I am starting to let go of the shame and guilt. It's a great feeling.
I have to believe daily that If I drink, my things happen in my life that I don't want to happen. And it exhausts me to think about the damage control on a daily basis. It's not worth it anymore. The simple act of drinking isn't even enjoyable. So today, I choose sobriety.
Best wishes to you! Stay strong!
I have to believe daily that If I drink, my things happen in my life that I don't want to happen. And it exhausts me to think about the damage control on a daily basis. It's not worth it anymore. The simple act of drinking isn't even enjoyable. So today, I choose sobriety.
Best wishes to you! Stay strong!
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