Damn the pendulum has swung damn feeling low
 

I am active and post often because I want someone to read what I wrote and understand this habit or at least see a bit of themselves in my post. I am not shy about my opinions nor am I afraid to share anything and ever thing with this community. Why, because there in lies recovery, recovery should be both a personal and social experience.

Tonight, I am down, I am so far down. I have some hope tomorrow I have an appointment with rehab recruiter, today I did counseling, but now my mode is melancholy. I hate these moments I detest these moments but this sure does feel awful.

So low, I feel like I don't matter, I feel like no matter what I do it won't count for anything, these moments are sudden and extreme. Luckily for me, the medication have silenced the the inner voices ( yeah I here voices still on medication) I want it all to stop. I want the urges to stop.

Yep absolutely being bipolar, but I decided some time ago to just be honest, because there is possibility someone might read what I wrote and relate and can draw from this community.

Damn this feeling sucks, I hate drinking this week, I hate the institutionalize I am going to have to do, I hate drinking, I hate not drinking, WOW what an overwhelming sense of grief and despair.

I know the answer is just around the corner, but for me it might as well be 5k miles away. I don't want to be medicated for life, I know I have to be, but just stuck mentally. Man, tonight is going to be long and rough, not sure why I've come to this place again. I suppose its all in my head on some level, but I get here often.

I am not going to drink, I am going to medication compliant to silence the voices ( scary and crazy right) what the hell can one do. I just want it all to stop, I still have hope and know that I have to do this all, but I am tired of talking about me, tired of being introspective, tired of being an addict, why today or any day why can't I just have peace?

Know friends, I go through this often and just thought I would post my thoughts, hope I didn't depress any of you, just the pendulum of recovery and thoughts I experience. I feel by posting these things, others can see they aren't alone, but also fear I am adding to their negative feelings

Worry not friends, we will beat this, and these feelings aren't permanent I am told, just where I am tonight. Stay safe and sober friends.

Wow! Such honesty in this post. Thank you for sharing. Yes, the pendulum does swing and I, too, hate the lows.

I've had this feeling before. It does suck. I know it isn't true, but it doesn't make the feeling go away. Like you said, though, it goes away eventually. I've learned to reach out quickly when I feel that "low" times coming and have a plan in place now.

I'm looking forward to hearing the plan you and rehab recruiter come up with. THAT is such a great step forward in committing to your recovery. We can do this together, DeliveryGuy.

I am melancholy also, like for days. I can't seem to get out of it. Not depressed, just melancholy. Alcohol transforms me into an evil person so I just can't go that route anymore.

TDG, I'm glad you posted. I don't have bipolar but used to get profound mood swings, mostly on the downswing. Sobriety and good therapy helped me. today, I am mostly peaceful. I had to keep track of my little advances. I really did get better. I think you can too. Your posts are meaningful, thoughtful and very helpful. I'm glad you're here.

Love from Lenina

I felt horrible when I woke up this morning. Perhaps it;s the weather but when I came around properly I felt alright. It does pass. xxxx

I felt horrible this morning as well and contemplated whether I could live just as I am now. Short answer is no, its hell. Change seems to be so difficult but I did it once before and know that I can. Thinking of you and wishing you well

I agree that recovery is about honesty with yourself and I see the willingness, openness and honesty in your tenor. I too have voices, all the time. I have learned through training that I am not my thoughts or the voices in my head. Meditation helps for me.

Your doing great. Early sobriety is about all the chemicals adjusting in our bodies and our minds. The ups and downs. Keep with it because when you get to the other side your going to look back and say it was definitely all worth it!

Don't fret, a day sober and medicated is a thousand times better then a day drunk.
I suspect a great deal of the emotional swings we feel are our bodies adjusting to the lack of alcohol. In my longest stretches of sobriety I experienced less mood shifts as my body evened out.
Try not to let these ups and down engulf you. Recognized what you are feeling, accept it and know that it will pass. Sometimes that little practice will make me feel better immediately. If that doesn't work you can always hop on youtube and watch videos of goats yelling like humans or people slipping on ice. That always cheers me up. ;)

Hang in there!! :grouphug:

I couldn't tell you how many times I have felt the exact same way. Keep forcing yourself to do the right things- if I can do this so can you.

TDG thank you so much for posting. Please don't be afraid of rehab. You referred to it as being institutionalized. It's not being locked up. It's gaining your freedom! I tried to go to rehab and my insurance company shut me down. I had to detox at home and it was horrible. You have an option-take it.
And keep posting.

I loved rehab. I was scared to go, but once I got there. . .it was AWESOME. It was like summer camp for grown ups. A better analogy is that it was like SR but face to face. It was work, but it was done in a supportive way. There were more laughs than crying. Rehab is a great way to kick start recovery and you will feel so safe there.

Hang in there, TDG. You need a goal and some faith. A goal that's beyond the short term, something you want to achieve down the road. Maybe that's just a better relationship with your family or to excel at the job you love. And faith is just acceptance that although it will be work you will be able to get there.

I will admit that it's impossible to understand what you're going through without going through it I do know that good outcomes can be the norm! It often takes a while to get the correct drugs but very often a mixture of meds and therapy can work wonders!

You can't "control" wonky brain chemistry or how your mind works, but you can remind yourself that there's hope. :ring