Functional alcoholic and blackout cheating: can we work through it?
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Anytown, USA
Posts: 5
Functional alcoholic and blackout cheating: can we work through it?
Hello everyone. My question has to do with blackout sex.
My husband is a functional alcoholic. It's a problem we've discussed and gone to therapy for but have never had to deal with head-on. He can go months without drinking, holds a great job, etc. etc. But when he drinks he binges. He hit rock-bottom the other week when he blacked out after a night of partying and woke up the next morning in bed with another woman. He has vague memories of the night's events and remembers drinking heavily, going back to his hotel room with this woman, saying to the woman, "I can't do this, I'm married." And then fast forward to the next morning. When he asked her what happened, the woman told him they did not have sex and that he said he couldn't, he was married. Like a fool, I called the woman to get the details because my husband couldn't remember. I was hoping she would be honest and tell me everything. Of course she denied even knowing him and swore that my husband made everything up. She is also married.
I've seen firsthand how my husband acts when he experiences blackouts. he says and does things he would never do if he were sober. My husband told me immediately after the incident and promised to make amends. He has been going to AA meetings and seeing his therapist. I've attended Al-Anon meetings, bought the daily readers, and am seeing my own therapist.
We had a couples counseling session where our therapist told me my husband was working through his own issues of coming from an alcoholic family. She said that the "cause" of him cheating was not me or our marriage, but his own personal issues that he had been compartmentalizing which eventually manifested through drinking.
I know my husband cheated on me. Blackouts are not an excuse. Whether he had sex or not is impertinent because to me, cheating is doing anything physical with another woman--kissing, touching, etc. I'm still angry and hurt. I don't quite "get" Al-Anon yet and question why I'm the one going to these meetings when he's the one that effed up. Besides, if I had the strength to just leave him, I wouldn't need to attend the meetings anymore, right?
My question is this: is it possible to recover from this and repair a marriage where the spouse has cheated during a blackout? Do I take into consideration the fact that he is taking these steps to work through his issues and overcome alcoholism? He was a wonderful husband and amazing father to our children. Our marriage was solid--not perfect obviously, but solid. He has never been verbally, physically, or emotionally abusive. I truly believe he is a good man with a good heart and that alcohol and his hormones got the best of him.
Can we do this? Can we make it work? Will there come a time when I can truly forgive him and won't have these ugly visuals in my head of him screwing another woman? Any feedback is appreciated. Thank you so much for your input and advice.
My husband is a functional alcoholic. It's a problem we've discussed and gone to therapy for but have never had to deal with head-on. He can go months without drinking, holds a great job, etc. etc. But when he drinks he binges. He hit rock-bottom the other week when he blacked out after a night of partying and woke up the next morning in bed with another woman. He has vague memories of the night's events and remembers drinking heavily, going back to his hotel room with this woman, saying to the woman, "I can't do this, I'm married." And then fast forward to the next morning. When he asked her what happened, the woman told him they did not have sex and that he said he couldn't, he was married. Like a fool, I called the woman to get the details because my husband couldn't remember. I was hoping she would be honest and tell me everything. Of course she denied even knowing him and swore that my husband made everything up. She is also married.
I've seen firsthand how my husband acts when he experiences blackouts. he says and does things he would never do if he were sober. My husband told me immediately after the incident and promised to make amends. He has been going to AA meetings and seeing his therapist. I've attended Al-Anon meetings, bought the daily readers, and am seeing my own therapist.
We had a couples counseling session where our therapist told me my husband was working through his own issues of coming from an alcoholic family. She said that the "cause" of him cheating was not me or our marriage, but his own personal issues that he had been compartmentalizing which eventually manifested through drinking.
I know my husband cheated on me. Blackouts are not an excuse. Whether he had sex or not is impertinent because to me, cheating is doing anything physical with another woman--kissing, touching, etc. I'm still angry and hurt. I don't quite "get" Al-Anon yet and question why I'm the one going to these meetings when he's the one that effed up. Besides, if I had the strength to just leave him, I wouldn't need to attend the meetings anymore, right?
My question is this: is it possible to recover from this and repair a marriage where the spouse has cheated during a blackout? Do I take into consideration the fact that he is taking these steps to work through his issues and overcome alcoholism? He was a wonderful husband and amazing father to our children. Our marriage was solid--not perfect obviously, but solid. He has never been verbally, physically, or emotionally abusive. I truly believe he is a good man with a good heart and that alcohol and his hormones got the best of him.
Can we do this? Can we make it work? Will there come a time when I can truly forgive him and won't have these ugly visuals in my head of him screwing another woman? Any feedback is appreciated. Thank you so much for your input and advice.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Welcome to the Forum!! 
It all has to start with your husband sorting out his drinking, "functional" or not, alcohol is impacting negatively on his life, your life and your kids, something needs to change and it's great that he's seeking out help to turn things around, but as long as he recognises that a permanent abstinence from alcohol sounds like the way forward and not thinking he can control his drinking in the future!!
The issue with alcohol is it's frustrating looking in on it, it can be a very lonely place, hence the advice on Al-anon and coming here to SR, you need support to deal with all the things that his drinking is causing, plus even if you went separate ways the support is still important as there are kids in the middle that may one day look back on their childhoods and analyse how alcohol caused problems between their parents!!
We also have a friends and family section that might be worth checking out, it's great to have you here!!
It all has to start with your husband sorting out his drinking, "functional" or not, alcohol is impacting negatively on his life, your life and your kids, something needs to change and it's great that he's seeking out help to turn things around, but as long as he recognises that a permanent abstinence from alcohol sounds like the way forward and not thinking he can control his drinking in the future!!
The issue with alcohol is it's frustrating looking in on it, it can be a very lonely place, hence the advice on Al-anon and coming here to SR, you need support to deal with all the things that his drinking is causing, plus even if you went separate ways the support is still important as there are kids in the middle that may one day look back on their childhoods and analyse how alcohol caused problems between their parents!!
We also have a friends and family section that might be worth checking out, it's great to have you here!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Hi, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I don't have personal experience with infidelity, so I don't feel like I could answer your question fairly. I would guess that it would depend on how serious your husband is about recovery, and how willing and able you are to forgive and move on. I would recommend that you read and post on the Family and Friends section of SR. They are very open and honest about their experiences with addicted family members and would probably be able to give you comfort and insight. Take good care!!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and welcome. I come from the other side of the fence as well, I am the wife. For myself, no, I could not get over that. I think it would depend on what HE is willing to do to heal the marriage. After all, HE is the binge drinker, HE is the one who cheated. What is HE willing to do to make it right. Only you will know after a long period of time if it can be overcome or not. Is he going to continue to binge drink, if so he may end up in the same boat again.
I always say, and this seems harsh, but it is accurate, prepare for the worst, hope for the best. Continue w/Alanon and counseling so matter what happens in the future you are prepared yourself.
XXX
I always say, and this seems harsh, but it is accurate, prepare for the worst, hope for the best. Continue w/Alanon and counseling so matter what happens in the future you are prepared yourself.
XXX
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
I'm sorry...I'm wincing as I deliver my input.
What consequences is he facing as a result of his actions? He drinks. You're there. He cheats. You're still there.
Yes, I think it can be overcome if he commits to abstinence and recovery. But what adverse consequences is he facing as a result of his behaviour? By staying, whilst he continues to falter is sending a message of "unconditional" support. I'm not sure that's so healthy. Support should be conditional...that's why rehab centers kick you out if you use.
What consequences is he facing as a result of his actions? He drinks. You're there. He cheats. You're still there.
Yes, I think it can be overcome if he commits to abstinence and recovery. But what adverse consequences is he facing as a result of his behaviour? By staying, whilst he continues to falter is sending a message of "unconditional" support. I'm not sure that's so healthy. Support should be conditional...that's why rehab centers kick you out if you use.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Welcome to SR, though I am sorry for what brings you.
You ask if you can make the marriage work. I don't know. But when I read this excerpt of what you posted, it sounds like it will be difficult.
He needs to get sober and you need a complete turnaround about how you feel in order to find forgiveness. Which will be easier of the two?
You ask if you can make the marriage work. I don't know. But when I read this excerpt of what you posted, it sounds like it will be difficult.
Originally Posted by MeTwoPoint0 
I know my husband cheated on me. Blackouts are not an excuse. Whether he had sex or not is impertinent because to me, cheating is doing anything physical with another woman--kissing, touching, etc. I'm still angry and hurt. I don't quite "get" Al-Anon yet and question why I'm the one going to these meetings when he's the one that effed up. Besides, if I had the strength to just leave him, I wouldn't need to attend the meetings anymore, right?
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