Changed drinking pattern and got away with it
 

Hey everyone,'

I've been here sporadically since last summer when I started slipping after 3.5 years of continuous sobriety. My slips were 95% wine. My 14 year old daughter's disapproval and devastation was what made me quit each time, go back on the straight and narrow for weeks or months, then slip again. I was sober from January 1 to the end of May. Then around the end of June, when my daughter was so mad at me she would not speak to me, because I was drinking a few days on, a few days off, I somehow discovered that I could drink vodka *instead* of wine, mix it with lots of club soda, and not only hide it better (because I have always drank club soda) but no one smelled it on me. But even wierder was that I found my drunkenesss on vodka was somehow different. It was mellower. It was slower (probably because diluted.) On wine I was always erratic and very emotional. My daughter could tell from one look at me if I'd even had one glass of wine. Well, the last two weeks I've basically drank vodka/club soda every day, a few sips at a time, and neither my husband or daughter knew. In fact, my daughter even told me one day how nice it was to have me sober (major guilt pangs.)

The other thing is virtually no hangovers. Probably because of all the soda and the advil at night. I've also still been running/working out every day. Well, there is still a big catch: drinking 10 to 16 ounces of vodka a day is still a ton of calories, and even though I eat less food, my belly won't go down in size and I'm already 7 pounds heavier than I was in May.

I really wish I could say I was wanting to quit for myself but it is only for my weight. I find myself actually feeling kind of smart for lack of a better word that I found a drink with no smell and that no one can tell.

But I know this is no way to live. When I do stop for a few days I go through withdrawal from vodka and I need klonapin. But how do I get the will now when my primary motivation (my daughter) doesn't know I'm drinking again?

I just want to *want it* again if that makes sense. I didn't mean to hijack with a thread about motivation but that's where I'm at right now.''

I should also add that I am able to get my house clean, laundry done, organizational stuff done for daughter starting school, etc. despite drinking. So that gives me no motivation to quit. However I know I am destroying my insides and when I end up in the hospital, finally everyone will know.

Add to this the fact that I actively hate meetings now, because I don't want to admit my relapse, and there seems to be no cure for this.

Where/how do you get the "want-to"? I had it for years and then it slipped away.

Hi. What you post is denial and fear of what the real facts are. Unfortunately most of what you post is the way alcohol works in the mind. Remember it’s powerful, cunning and baffling. You probably know in order to get sober we need to want to. Hopefully you can before it’s too late.

BE WELL

Where did you get the 'want to' for them 3.5 years

What kept you going through that time surely not just your daughter or weight issues

Good luck

All I know is that you need to motivation to make recovery work. If you are okay with the way things are now, then it's going to be really hard to focus on recovery.

I tried changing drinks, changing patterns etc. I also believed that you couldn't smell vodka but most people told me otherwise. I hope you can find the motivation to stop so you can feel 100% good about yourself again x

I can't speak for you, but moderation for me would be remarkably similar to giving Dracula a blood transfusion. And given the choice, I'd rather let the son of a b!tch rot in hell.

As for how I do it? I do it like everyone else.....one day at a time. Why jump over a hurdle when you can walk over a stick? Sobriety isn't nearly as daunting when make the goal very, tiny.

Hope this helps :)

I was on the vodka thing at the end when I was drinking at work to stave off withdrawals while working.

There was always this one guy at work who didn't give a crap what anyone thought, and every time I would drink the vodka out in my car, he'd always call me out on it. People smell it. Some just may be too shy to bring it up for fear of an argument or whatever.

Also, I thought I was doing great while drinking. Hell I even landed the best job of my career (so far) while I was drunk. But then a month after starting said job, I started failing miserably at my career. Missing work because I was too hungover/still drunk, staying at home all day so I could drink all day... You get the picture.

I felt I was kicking ass at everything. Unfortunately I wasn't. I used all vacation time, had to have wife do everything around the house and take care of my 1 year old. It's something I will never go back to.

That was my experience with the whole vodka thing.

The downside you describe seems to outweighed by the benefits of drinking for you...... At the moment.

In the end i wanted sobriety for myself. So glad i found a way

Sorry, but your post does not sound like you are "getting away with it". Maybe you mean you aren't overtly getting fussed at by family members, but you are paying an even higher price....and by NO means getting away with it. It is the next step down toward the bottom.

That "wanting it enough" is a tough nut. My wanting sobriety would wax and wane. I didn't want it enough to do anything about it until suicidal thoughts entered the menu. Yep, I thought I was getting away with it, but it was rotting my soul. Finally, I wanted it more than ANYTHING. Once I got to that point, nothing was going to keep me from getting sober.

Glad you are here.

You might have to start by doing the right thing for your situation even before you have much inner motivation.

There must be other areas in your life where you have to do the right thing even if you are not especially motivated.

But as you recognize and others have confirmed, the motivation will eventually have to come from within for this to work, not in reaction to externals or to control externals.

Best wishes,

K

It's progressive. This isn't an improvement.

Your daughter is at a great age. And you are going to miss it.

My Mum was drinking and taking pills when I was 14. She was 33 then. She thought I didn't know her vodka and orange juice wasn't just orange juice.

She died of an addiction related illness at 55. Her body couldn't take anymore.

We 'think' we are getting away with it and perhaps we do for a time. Then the over-confidence kicks in and it just isnt worth all the hurt on the faces around us.
Our children are only on loan to us, why throw away those happy times, for a liquid poison?

Off, your post is inspiring in the "been there, done that" sense and I never have to do THAT again. Most of us were not posting at this point in our journey so I thank you for taking the time.

you said, your daughter would see it in your eyes. Mine could do when she was 11. I'd tried the vodka thing too, but eventually she will see thru that also. Don't do this to her, if you won't quit for your health, quit for her. When she finds out and she will, she will despise you. And she may end up just like you. my daughter will be 14 next week, and I would never disappoint her thru my drinking. Sure, she's a teen, I will disappoint her in so many other ways, but not in this one. I know they say quit for yourself, but I say quit for her and yourself. And like everyone said, vodka smells. Get completely sober for a day. Then take the cap off and smell it. try this. Put it on a small hand towel, smell it when you are 100% sober. Tell me you cannot smell it. I do appreciate your honest posting, took a lot to write it I'm sure. You quit before, you can do it again.

Well, you can keep drinking vodka and taking painkillers until you start passing blood, like I did. Motivation enough?

Thanks everyone for the honest (sometimes harsh) feedback. I did need to hear it. I ask myself what I quit for when I made 3.5 years, and it was because my husband threatened to leave me and take our daughter. He is no longer threatening. I guess my "functioning" now is good enough for him or something. Anyway yes, you are all right, in time she will smell the vodka and then be so hurt and betrayed.

So I do need to get it all out of my house and my body.

Thanks for everyone who took the time to respond.

Alcohol with advil is very bad combination, it will cause liver damage even faster. And your worried about 7#? Your av is playing tricks on you to get u to feed it. Your alcohol compsumption will increase and you will not be able to hide the drinking ....your bodily reaction will tell on u!

Hi just curious after 3.5 years what triggered you to drink again? Sorry if I'm being nosey.

In my experience...

If you keep on going, eventually the "want to" will return when things become dire and desperate and frustrating and painful enough.

Or - you could make a really concerted effort to bring back the "want to" by truly WANTING to avoid that....

Your going to get caught and you may lose the trust of your daughter for good , I'm sure you don't want that