soberjuly

Pinkie you made me laugh! thanks! I actually was a bit more crude - I said if I'm not cleaning or (fill in the blank) I guess I have no value

He seems to resent me lounging and on this site - of course he gave flowers the next day but hey - I only get flowers on Valentine's Day, my birthday and when we have fights...I want that to change!

I feel I am expecting more now sober, from him also.

soberjuly

Well, yes, I mean I was spending excessive time here but things were improving.

I think the anger may have been more his son. He gave his son a nice car a year ago. Not new, it was his old 2008 Ford Escape Hybrid, but I think that is nice for a teen! My husband also pays all insurance and gas. All car repairs. The car is paid off.

So something is wrong and his son has to take the car in on Friday. It's not ready on Saturday and his son got really mad. His son is on the autistic spectrum and will obsess and rant. So while the repairs are made, my husband gave him our pickup truck. He wasn't going to give a teen his car as I think he's already gotten into an accident. So then he's calling constantly complaining there is something wrong with the truck. And he has all these questions about the gears. Well, it's an automatic, he doesn't need to bother with any extra gear functions, especially as we are in an urban area.

Then his ex-wife calls just to yell at him. When their son is mad it's always my husband's fault. I think he then just exploded at me, seeing me relaxed on my laptop.

It can be stressful, they have totally spoiled my stepson and he complains about everything. He needed a costume so his dad suggested a thrift store and he got a mouthful about how that was beneath him.

I never got a car as a teen, no money for that. And my friends who had cars, their parents bought cheap used cars and they had to pay the insurance and gas. Or they had to buy their own used cars.

My HS BF worked the graveyard shift as a cook in a restaurant while in HS. He was falling asleep in class. It was awful but all I saw were hard-working kids growing up.

Either kids are lazy now or the kids in this area are lazy and feel entitled.

My son has a car fund. I didn't even know he had it until yesterday when I saw a budget sheet he has created. It made me proud.

soberjuly

I was doing that last night. Using the mobile app and typing. I totally need this site although I am not craving alcohol anymore. It really helps drill it into my head and it helps me remember, yes, your life was messed up and it can happen again.

That I never lost my kids or killed someone...it chills me. That I felt alcohol was more important than my well-being and the well-being of my family I will never know. That I really didn't get how serious it was when I was hiding bottles and fixated on making sure I had enough booze in the house.

That I can rant and rave and say things I can't say to people in my life here, is immeasurable.

I am only now reading responses to this post because sometimes it embarrasses me what I write. Like whoops everyone is gonna know now my life ain't perfect!

soberjuly

Wow. You nailed it. He always says if anyone leaves, it will be you. He also doesn't seem to want me to go back to work but I think I should.

I look so different, I can't believe the bloat is gone, my face looks contoured, before I looked like a Bobble Head doll. I was eating so much junk while drinking.

When the kids go back to school tomorrow, I can once again hit the gym.

He went to the gym on Saturday and when he came home he made the comment that none of the women there were attractive. ?

He's never said anything like that before. Is he looking or something? It just seemed a weird thing to say. I wouldn't go to the gym and come home commenting on how the men looked. Does that mean he normally goes and scopes out other women?

That's the same day he accused me of having a BF on here. He said 'you probably do'. He's just acting strange.

soberjuly

Well my sex drive has gone from almost non-existent to crazy since quitting booze but I said to my husband I'm not going to be intimate with someone who is angry and nasty to me. I told him his morning anger totally puts me off.

But part of it is I let so much pile up and I think he wants me to work harder at sorting things out. I mean I did yesterday, got through my son's room, and now I need to continue with my daughter's room.

But it is awful. You can't see it but I have bags of stuff in closets. My son now has plenty of room in his closet.

I had old baseball helmets which will never fit him again, basketball high tops too small now. A baseball mit which his hands will never fit again. Various toys, papers, too small clothes...just tons and tons of junk.

And my husband sees me on here and not dealing with all this stuff. It will just take some time to get through.

soberjuly

I think he has a porn addiction and I told him so. I said I got rid of the alcohol, what about all your porn? How do you think that makes me feel?

All guys look at porn but his collection is extensive. He asked where is it? I said, oh please, I was married to an engineer, I know you have it all on an external drive hidden inside your computer. He even has it labeled with a fake, misleading name and on something like Drive H. And he'll disappear for hours in the wee hours and I feel neglected. How much porn is too much porn? I don't know but it just doesn't make me feel good.

Once I was on my daughter's computer looking for photos for a slideshow I was making of my son and there is some sort of share function - she would have had to know computers well - but she could have accidentally clicked and would have seen his porn. She's 11.

I have zero pictures of anyone naked on my computer unless they are cute baby in the bathtub type photos. Nothing compromising of me. Only me in a swimsuit.

Anyhow, sorry to go off but I think he must understand addictions because of this. I really don't know.

soberjuly

I also have a gay friend my husband used to get jealous of. The thing is he's actually bi, we went to nursing college together and he did suggest sex once. To him it's like a handshake. He's mostly gay, I declined because I wasn't interested. Sex just isn't casual for me.

My friend rolled her eyes and said OMG he has no boundaries! but he doesn't. I am sure he would do both me and my husband if we wanted.

But if I meet him, I always get the comment what did you do? have sex? you were gone sooo long! Well, sex can take 5 minutes or 5 hours, it was just a stupid thing to say.

If I was going to cheat, it certainly wouldn't be with someone who has probably had sex with a few hundred people. A thousand? Not sure. But I'm not going to cheat so it's a non-issue.

soberjuly

ok gotta get stuff done today! thanks for all the support!

LBrain

Soberyjuly my dear, a little.too much sharing.
my wife used to get mad at me for being on sr all the time months ago.
I said at least I'm not drinking. And that it replaced my meetings.
hopefully when you discuss it in a rational manner he'll understand.
just don't throw any grenades. Focus on yourself and not him.

soberjuly

see? that is what happens when I am not on this site regularly, I over share!...just checked and his porn collection has disappeared since our fight. I'm sure he just removed the hard drive but I don't really know...a little is fine and normal but it would take days to weed through his collection.

anattaboy

T...m...i

LBrain

I guess I just meant some things I didn't need to hear.

hope you are doing well, I didn't hear about the earthquake till the end of the day. I happen to see it when looking at a sports site. a shame for all those folks up in napa though. my worst quake experience was the whittier quake back in 87 I think, in long beach at the time

soberjuly

now you guys are making me feel bad I said anything, I can't delete the posts and I really don't think it was over-sharing

sorry I said anything, I can't be the only person whose husband looks at porn - every guy I've been with looks at some, never met a man who doesn't.

soberjuly

That said I will try to be more brief with my posts. Typing sober I figure I can't embarrass myself, I just got too comfortable I guess. I come here mainly to read other people's posts and get inspired...not to ramble on about myself. I'm fairly conservative and square, but I live in a very open and liberal city. Made me blush 100,000 shades of red when I first saw the Gay Pride Parade going passed my studio window. When I went for a closer look and to take pictures, it was insane. SF is very out there with sexuality but they are also accepting of a square housewife mom... and the porn comments, well...I don't know. I just think my hubby has an extensive amount. But I'm from the Midwest and I get that most of what is between NY and California is more, or acts more conservative. So no offense meant! I can certainly not mention such things...it's just Nuudawn mentioned if he is familiar with addictions and I have suspected his porn crosses into the addictive category - although I don't know what's normal really.

KissMyTiara

I'd tried to keep focus on your alcohol addiction and not start comparing it to your husband's perhaps porn addiction.

VikingGF

Hey, SoberJuly. Seems to me your sober time may be interfering with hubby's recreational time, whatever it may be. Just think of how free he was before you stopped. When we drank, we didn't require much of others except to be left alone. He's probably struggling to find his place, since so much is different. Concentrate on you and don't pull any punches when you sit down to have a talk about each other's needs. Be honest, but not defensive. Good luck and congrats on 45 days.

Gronk

Hey, as a guy, I think the flowers were a good thing. He easily could have done nothing.

If it's bothering him, it's bothering him. Unless you give him logical, valid reasons HE can understand and agree with, it is always going to bother him. Not just "would you rather I drink?" Of course the answer is no. It is a discussion you should have......when things are great between you. Not when he is bothered.

You say you are expecting more......you have to give him time, I'm sure he wanted you to be sober for a long time and you did not oblige.......

ANYWAY....I've been reading about this for a few days so this is a jumbled mess of ideas I have had

[p.s. - I have been hearing some stories about some hard luck ex and present husbands on this site, present former drunk included, and a guy who brings you flowers after a fight can't be all bad]

readerbaby71

It doesn't bother me. If people don't want to read it they can skip your posts. Share away!

ru12

Post whatever you want to post. If it bothers someone they can move along to something more suited to them. Lots of marriages experience problems when someone sobers up. Things that bothered you for years and you just let go because of guilt from drinking are now front and center. Keep reading and posting and try to be kind.

soberjuly

This is probably very true!