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I see no benefit to being sober now days (6 months)

Old 08-23-2014, 08:14 PM
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Happiness and self-worth need to come from within. If someone has the mindset that they need a woman to be happy, it will likely be a dependent and unhealthy relationship. Once you are completely happy with yourself, it makes it so much easier to have a good relationship.
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Old 08-23-2014, 08:15 PM
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Originally Posted by natehamburg View Post
atleast when Im drunk I dont have to deal with my pain. im not desperate. I am a young 25 year old good looking man who makes a lot of money now. And true Alcohol has messed up everything in my life including 2 dui's that I received. do I care? yes I do care but sometimes I wanna just get obliterated and not feel this loneliness
Getting drunk only postpones the pain Nate. Your drinking nearly cost you your job not too long ago as well, and you won't be paid anything if you get fired.

You can obviously choose whatever you like, but no one here is going to tell you it's OK to drink.
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Old 08-23-2014, 08:16 PM
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sometimes I wanna just get obliterated and not feel this loneliness
I get this feeling, too. And I'm in a great marriage, have amazing children and friends. That is my Additive Voice (AV) telling me that I'm not worthwhile and no one understands and blah blah blah. I'm not saying that is what is going on with you, but wanted to tell you that this is what my AV tells me.

I truly appreciate your honesty in your post and this thread.

Sending you tons of support and prayers.
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Old 08-23-2014, 08:26 PM
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I'm sorry that you're getting so mad. if you are looking for a meaningful long-term relationship that is gonna be healthy you have to work on yourself. You called yourself a loser earlier for having two DUIs. If you think you're a loser others will too... 6 months is great. DO not throw it away because of your AV riling you up.
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Old 08-23-2014, 08:31 PM
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When I was in my early 20's and even older, and drinking, I had lots of "boyfriends". I just thought everyone who was any fun drank. What I didn't realize at the time was that these were not meaningful relationships. They were basically one night stands, although some lasted for longer. They were a result of the lack of respect I had for myself and my wild partying ways. On the surface, I thought I was popular and having a lot of fun. Drinking and partying is no way to find a good relationship.
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Old 08-23-2014, 08:33 PM
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Originally Posted by natehamburg View Post
I really do not see the benefit guys. I have gone 6 months without booze. I mean other than being a reliable worker I see no benefit. I used alcohol with everything. I used it to help me get with girls, to ease pain, etc. I feel so lonely lately. I got no friends... NO WOMAN, nothing im lonely. I do not see how my life has gotten any better. I just feel like I need a significant other to love me thats my problem nobody has ever loved me but booze.
The problem is you still believe that alcohol actually helped you in those ways, but it was always a crutch, destroying your confidence, self-esteem, social skills, and worsening your pain and depression. If you fail to recognize that and still believe it has those positive benefits, maybe that is why you cannot move on.
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Old 08-23-2014, 08:45 PM
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Originally Posted by natehamburg View Post
I just dont understand how I had all these good looking girls when I was drunk and "sloppy" all the time and now I have none! its baffling to me. where is all the good girls. Im so angry right now its pissing me off.
My guess is you probably often met them at bars and clubs and they were drunk also? I mean, not to take away from your good looks etc, but it IS pretty easy to pick up when everyone's inhibitions are low from alcohol.

Also, like others have said, you sound desperate (I mean that respectfully), and that is a huge turn off. Besides, if you got the woman, it sounds like you would obsess over losing her - all kinds of unhealthy going on.

I do agree, there's been times where I think conversation was better lubricated with alcohol, but I've kind of moved past that. I don't want to meet another person dependant on alcohol either - that's a recipe for disaster.

I absolutely understand 25 is the time where you usually meet girls out at clubs etc....maybe some alternative healthy interests would allow you to meet girls with similar healthy habits? A gym, sports group etc.

6 months sober is great. You did that all by yourself and faced your crap. A woman will not fix the rest of the gaps, mate. I'd love a partner too, but it would just complicate where my energy should be right now.
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Old 08-23-2014, 08:46 PM
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Originally Posted by ANewDayNYC View Post
Happiness and self-worth need to come from within. If someone has the mindset that they need a woman to be happy, it will likely be a dependent and unhealthy relationship. Once you are completely happy with yourself, it makes it so much easier to have a good relationship.
Ok can someone please explain what it means to "BE HAPPY WITH YOURSELF"??? I mean I will never be fully happy with myself. I am always to fat or my face is to big...not manly enough,dont make enough, not talented enough...etc. always room for improvement
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Old 08-23-2014, 08:48 PM
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I'm sorry you feel so lonely, Women have been known to show men a softer and more forgiving side which we can learn through our own understanding. The approach to not clinging to feelings is an even tougher challenge, Meditation can help with this and you'll stop being concerned with needing people and material things to be happier. Working all the time can be hard especially if we don't embrace a consumer culture as society places a lot of value with regards to earning money. My recommendation is, Hang in there and the right one will come along, Think of meeting one who compliments your good and with whom you can also help establish a better connection to the world with. Sometimes our dreams aren't all they are cracked up to be. Many others have said self discovery is a good worthwhile endeavor and I believe them. Going on 5yrs sober myself and have remained single. Thanks for sharing
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Old 08-23-2014, 08:53 PM
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Originally Posted by natehamburg View Post
Ok can someone please explain what it means to "BE HAPPY WITH YOURSELF"??? I mean I will never be fully happy with myself. I am always to fat or my face is to big...not manly enough,dont make enough, not talented enough...etc. always room for improvement
Be happy with yourself (example) = take pride in your work, your fitness, your relationships with family, your relationships with friends, what you give back to the community, etc. Tying your happiness to a relationship, and only a relationship, is a recipe for trouble regardless of your history with alcohol and substances.

Also, have you ever considered talking to a shrink or something like that? The solution to low self-esteem cannot be "I don't have alcohol in my life." You know deep down that cannot be the answer. It's nonsensical.
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Old 08-23-2014, 08:54 PM
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Being happy with yourself is basically having compassion towards yourself and accepting yourself.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here is quote by Daphne Kingma that sums up self-compassion well:

"There is only one of you. You are a precious, unrepeatable expression. It is confounding and simple to say that there will never be another you, but there won’t. There is no one else who sees the world exactly like you do, whose feelings strike the strings of their heart exactly the same way as yours. There is no one, no matter how similar or familiar, whose days and years will be exactly the same way as yours, no one else who can perfectly nurture your dreams, who can most deeply feel each of your hopes as they fly like small butterflies in your heart or are crushed in the palm of a stranger.

Even if we have thousand of lifetimes – as some people believe – the person you are in each of those lives is not this you, with this birth, these eyes and these hands and this pain to work out, these parents, these brothers and sisters, these talents, these gifts to give, this precise numbers of days and minutes and hours between the writing of your name on your birth certificate and its carving on your tombstone.

You’re the only one who has the exceptional opportunity to truly know you and to discover your single beautiful path. Others can hold a mirror for you and show you parts of yourself that may have been obscured for a long time, but they can never give you the whole of yourself, the whole you that is yours to possess, to expend, to express, to release when your day in this life is through.

You can love others, care for them, encourage them, support them, listen to them, comfort them, joke and argue and cry with them – and I hope you do – but all the gifts of joy and consideration and nurturing that you give to others, you also deserve from yourself. You need the love that only you can give you."
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Old 08-23-2014, 09:32 PM
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The right girl will come along for you, when you least expect it. I always find that I meet people when it's really not convenient - eg heavy work load to get through (I'm self employed). I wonder though how 'gorgeous' these women were, without the old 'beer googles' I know from experience, the people I thought were wonderful when I was drinking and they turned out to look like pigs nether-regions, when I'd sobered up
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Old 08-23-2014, 09:47 PM
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I don't see anything wrong with you needing a woman. You are 25 yrs old an obviously have needs. It is easy to get someone when alcohol is involved because standards are loosened. Even the big girl in the bar who never would have a shot with the good looking guy might even score. It's all about being at the right place,right time,right amount of alcohol. OR wrong place,wrong time,wrong amount of alcohol. lol. Depending on which one will be regretting it.

Surely there is some nice looking girls who would like to be in a relationship with a good looking man with a good job who doesn't drink. Sounds like a catch to me.

Be happy with yourself was difficult for me. I was 40 yrs old before I could actually say that I don't need any man in my life to be content. Meaning: if I were to divorce,I would not hook up or want a man to date. A good man is hard to find if not dang near impossible. The prince charming thing is a hoax. lol. It don't exist. I'm not willing to put up with all the drama that comes with a relationship. I'm happy living my life calmly by myself. BUT for me that came with age. No way at 25 or even 35 I seen it that way.
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Old 08-24-2014, 09:01 AM
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I was drugged out and drinking when I met my fiancé, it really became a huge problem down the line....I thought the same thing, "all I need is a woman and everything will be ok"
I found her and she's amazing, but my problems only got worse, we had a lot of fun at first but once the years past I started getting worse and a higher volume of drugs. I started to get suicidal and my fiancé is an angel for putting up with my utter ********. Point being, finding a woman absolutely does not fix the problem pal, I wish you luck on your sobriety and potentially enjoyable life. Hang in there
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Old 08-24-2014, 09:14 AM
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All those girls were probably drunk too at the time. Dont rely on someone else to make you happy. You need to be able to live your life and take care of yourself. The right one will come along when you are not looking. You need to change the environment in which you were looking for girls before....maybe church group? Community center? Keep staying sober, you can do this!
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Old 08-24-2014, 09:49 AM
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Where do you go to meet women? I've been out of the dating pool for a long time, but with all the social media out there it looks easier than ever to meet people. Is this not the case?

What happened to all the women you got with when you were still drinking? Did you lose all their phone numbers? Give one of them a call.
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Old 08-24-2014, 10:02 AM
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They probably weren't the right sort of girls if they were more interested in a drunk "sloppy" you. Finding someone to spend time with doesn't happen over night, hell, it can take a very long time. To be honest if you can't find ways to be happy with yourself it doesn't seem logical that finding one particular person is going to change that. What do you do when they need to go off on their own for any specific amount of time? Hang around and wait? There is no outside solution to this problem.
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Old 08-24-2014, 10:08 AM
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Yea agree, it's also not fair to a girl to put the burden on them in a figurative way, like for me my expectations were too high and when I feel like they weren't met I would get angry, and not even at her, angry with myself. I checked into rehab and never looked back, it's benefited the both of us in so many ways, and therapy has made me see things in a different way, thankful...
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Old 08-24-2014, 10:09 AM
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Nate,
Those are not the types of girls you want. Rural oilfield living is difficult, I have been around it all my life. Maybe you should focus on your career and see what that does for you. Being sober and drugfree is a huge positive for the oil patch. You should be able to do very well for yourself and put a way a lot of $$ unlike the people who do it without saving any money. Then when you move up to being a pusher or rig supervisor you will have less of a difficulty finding the right woman. Oilfield work is difficult, there are simply not many women around. Good luck to you and congrats on the 6 months.
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Old 08-24-2014, 10:09 AM
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Not saying you need rehab, my drug use was crazy out of control, but some work on yourself could def not be a bad thing.
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