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Guilt

Old 08-23-2014, 04:55 PM
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Guilt

Anyone have guilt so bad that you can hardly wake up?
Do you hate seeing the sun rise because all you do is think of is what you did wrong . I'm newly recovered trying to start a new life after losing my husband and house and my son. It was my fault . I passed out from soma one too many times

I've been clean since February 2014.
I'm getting a nursing certificate in October to start working nights to save money so I can rebuild a new life. Then lean to take blood . I'm also gonna start a new church singles group. But the depression is horrible!
I'm very depressed and hate living because I can't get over what I did.
I just wish I ha one more chance. Is be so great for my ex husband. My son misses me and I miss him but I only see him twice a month now.
I live with someone whom can't stand me. I tolerate her she tolerates me but it's a horrible place to live with someone that really does not want you in their house and is only letting me stay out of mercy.
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Old 08-23-2014, 05:07 PM
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Welcome to the Forum Polly!!

I used to have those thoughts every single morning, but Sobriety changed all that, we can't change where we've been, we can only change what we do from here on!!

You get to write the next chapter of your life, be the mum your son deserves, and completely change the ending to your story!!

It's great to have you here!!
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Old 08-23-2014, 05:09 PM
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I'm sorry and I know how difficult it can be to deal with the guilt and mess we've caused through drinking. It's so good that you are getting education so that you can find a good job and (hopefully soon) move out of the living arrangement you have now.

Sadly, you cannot change the past and your ex has moved on and you must move on as well. The good thing is that as your recovery continues and you find a stable job and living arrangement, you will likely be able to spend more time with your child. Try to focus on what you can do rather than what you've lost.
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Old 08-23-2014, 05:12 PM
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The longer you are sober, the better everything gets. Just focus on being the best you each day. Don't focus on what you can't control.
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Old 08-23-2014, 05:34 PM
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Hello Pollysoli.

“We are all mistaken sometimes; sometimes we do wrong things, things that have bad consequences. But it does not mean we are evil, or that we cannot be trusted ever afterward.”
― Alison Croggo

Don't forget. Don't dismiss. Recognize and acknowledge what went wrong. Implement change. Deserve forgiveness.

It sounds like you're well on your way. Stay the course.

Resolv
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Old 08-23-2014, 06:07 PM
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Thanks for the replies! I have seriously been thinking of ending it all.
Being in heaven as my sprit soars above all of this mess and sadness.....its too much everyday depression is worse.

I hate the sun in the morning ...dread the mornings...another day of being with that person that lives here ...another day to remember how great life would of been had I not had that last bit of soma I had.. Id still be married.

If I could leave ,I would be better somewhat. I can't now. It's impossible at least until next summer and then I will be able to live in a very small place.
I just really do not think I can make it.

I live with a toxic negative person. It does not help to live with someone like that.
I wish jesus would take me away sometimes...I really do.
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Old 08-23-2014, 06:27 PM
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you say your son misses you, he loves you, don't leave him...get better for him
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Old 08-23-2014, 07:02 PM
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Originally Posted by pollysoli View Post
Anyone have guilt so bad that you can hardly wake up?
Yes, Polly... I felt excruciating guilt very often during the last 2-3 years of my drinking especially. Still do at times. It was sometimes so intense I wanted to kill myself over it.

The good news is that it is possible to ride the guilt and use it to change ourselves and everything - I've seen this from others with long-term recovery and have also been experiencing myself. In fact, I think for me it was the constant incredible guilt that made me finally get sober and serious about recovery, more directly than my concerns and fear about health or anything. I had a lot of responsibilities, people putting their trust in me, tons of stuff depending on me... and while all this was and is stressful, it's also been a great catalyst for me to change. Of course it hasn't been a straight line, but I believe if our hearts are in the right place and we DO things to improve our situations, there is always hope and potential as long as we are alive.
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