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In the beginning of my journey and looking for some enlightenment



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In the beginning of my journey and looking for some enlightenment

Old 08-23-2014, 11:41 AM
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Red face In the beginning of my journey and looking for some enlightenment

So this is my first time on a forum like this. I am 31 years old and have abused alcohol off and on since I was a teenager. Over the past year I started developing severe anxiety. Being in denial, I never blamed alcohol for this anxiety. I have always had minor anxiety, but this anxiety was different. It was almost debilitating at times. I was drinking every day. It wasn't always a lot, sometimes only 1 or 2 drinks, but the alcohol was always there. I started cutting back my drinking in April, becoming a "weekend drinker". I would binge drink to the point of vomiting, which was something that was so familiar to me, I never saw it as wrong. I went on a business trip in May, which basically consisted of a bunch of classes followed by wild parties. Traveling sets off my anxiety, so I spent most of the week doped up on Xanax, and topped that off with binge drinking every night. I told myself when I came home that this would be it. I was starting to admit to myself that I truly had a problem. When I came home my anxiety was so bad I could barely function. I would sit at work watching the clock, praying for 4:30 to come so I could just go home to my comfortable place. My doctor prescribed me Prozac, which made life tolerable atleast at first, until a night of binge drinking on it. I thought I was going to die. That night in early June I finally truly admitted to myself that I have a problem, and that was the beginning of my journey.

It is now late August and every day I pray for my life back. I don't really crave alcohol. I recognize now that I drank to self medicate a possible undiagnosed mild anxiety disorder, or to try and forget the crap that life was handing me at the time. I am now trying to learn to cope with these issues in my sobriety. What I do miss is the casual drinking that would lead to amazing nights where I would meet amazing people. I was often the life of the party, shot after shot. Alcohol would make me feel so free and so confident, I could just walk up to anyone and talk to them. I would make amazing connections. I want those nights back. I want to be the life of the party again, and I believe I now may be grieving the fact that for my own health, I may never have another one of these nights again.

I chose to came off the Prozac after the side effects became to much for me. I also don't want to depend on another drug to help me cope. I want to learn to cope on my own. This natural path has not been easy. After 6 weeks on Prozac I went through horrible withdrawal from it. I am not sure that it was just the Prozac withdrawal, or if my body is still adjusting from the lack of alcohol, but the emotional trauma was unbearable. I had thoughts of suicide. Not seriously, I would never do it. I know in the back of my head that I love my life, and that I have so much to live for (I have an amazing 6 year old son), but the thoughts were there. I went into uncontrollable crying fits over nothing. I got so angry one day that I started punching my bathroom tile. Luckily my weakass didn't do any damage to the tile... but I can't say the same for my hand...

I was hoping someone who has gone through this journey could share their experience to help me feel that I am not alone. How long did it take you before you started to feel "normal" again. How long did the depression and anxiety last? Is there any advice you can give me to help learn how to have fun while sober? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I have a loving support system of friends, but none of them truly understand what I am going through.

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Old 08-23-2014, 12:02 PM
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Welcome to the Forum Tikki!!

It took me a few months before I started to feel a bit better physically and emotionally, I guess the body simply needed time to adjust and heal from years of drinking, so give things time!!

Sobriety I realised wasn't all about not drinking, it was about reshaping and carving out a new lifestyle, I had to sit down and think about what I was interested in, new activities, new projects, new things to get excited in, what did I want to achieve in life now I had all this time, that I used to spend drinking with!!

You'll find loads of support and advice here on SR!! It's great to have you onboard!!
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Old 08-23-2014, 12:09 PM
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Thanks for the welcoming, and thanks for the positive comments! I never thought I'd be to this point, and while extremely emotional, it's almost refreshing to know I have a whole new life ahead of me.

Thanks again!
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Old 08-23-2014, 12:29 PM
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Welcome Tikki. You story is not unfamiliar. Although I never had to take pills to get me through, I drank to get through a lot of emotional issues. I too was the life of the party when I drank at parties. Later in my drinking career, I drank almost exclusively at home.

From your description, I'd say that those nights of shot after shot are over. Also drinking just the few to have fun are gone too. That is of course if you want to get and STAY sober. You seem to be headed down the path of righteous full blown crawling in the gutter alcoholism. You may have a way to go to get there, or it may be just down the block.
I believe your ability to 'moderate' is long over. Just MY opinion. Have you discussed this with any of your doctors? The one's prescribing pills for you? Are you seeing a mental health professional? You have to be totally honest with the doctors. It is vital you share this info with them.

As for being the life of the party and enjoying life again, if it is your nature to be that way you can do it without alcohol or drugs. It is going to take some time before you feel like a real person again and be comfortable with who you are. Could take a month, could take 5 months or more like it took me. I am coming up on 8 months without a drink. I still get anxiety but far less than I used to. As PK says, it takes a whole new approach to life and living. You have to want it and commit to it.
Read through the forum and the information linked from this site. If you are new to learning about what alcohol does to your mind and body, do yourself a favor and learn.
Keep posting. Glad you found us.
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Old 08-23-2014, 12:34 PM
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Hi Tikki and welcome to some sanity in your life if you let it happen. Reading a lot of posts will get you familiar with what’s happening and what to expect in many cases. Realize that many have put their body through a rough period because alcohol is not the health drink that we wanted to make us all better. In fact it gave many of us a physical and mental beating that takes time to recover from, depending on the individual.
The quickest path to recovery is stop drinking, it’s that simple, not always easy.
An idea would be to go to recovery meetings where personal feelings are expressed and there are people who understand us in the flesh.

BE WELL
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Old 08-23-2014, 12:34 PM
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Welcome Tikki! Congratulations on your decision to live a sober life!
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Old 08-23-2014, 12:47 PM
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Red face

Originally Posted by LBrain View Post
Welcome Tikki. You story is not unfamiliar. Although I never had to take pills to get me through, I drank to get through a lot of emotional issues. I too was the life of the party when I drank at parties. Later in my drinking career, I drank almost exclusively at home.

From your description, I'd say that those nights of shot after shot are over. Also drinking just the few to have fun are gone too. That is of course if you want to get and STAY sober. You seem to be headed down the path of righteous full blown crawling in the gutter alcoholism. You may have a way to go to get there, or it may be just down the block.
I believe your ability to 'moderate' is long over. Just MY opinion. Have you discussed this with any of your doctors? The one's prescribing pills for you? Are you seeing a mental health professional? You have to be totally honest with the doctors. It is vital you share this info with them.

As for being the life of the party and enjoying life again, if it is your nature to be that way you can do it without alcohol or drugs. It is going to take some time before you feel like a real person again and be comfortable with who you are. Could take a month, could take 5 months or more like it took me. I am coming up on 8 months without a drink. I still get anxiety but far less than I used to. As PK says, it takes a whole new approach to life and living. You have to want it and commit to it.
Read through the forum and the information linked from this site. If you are new to learning about what alcohol does to your mind and body, do yourself a favor and learn.
Keep posting. Glad you found us.

I was already down that path. Maybe I downplayed my alcoholism in my original post, but trust me, I was there, or atleast very close to rock bottom. And as far as research goes, I am practically an expert on what alcohol does to the brain and body now. I know the harm I have done to my body, and I am proud of myself for taking the steps to change. I've been to several doctors, and every doctor disagrees that I have a substance abuse problem, and alcohol isn't the reason for the way I am feeling. Trust me, I am looking for a new doctor... They say I need to cut back, but they say based on the amount I drink, they don't think I have a problem.. maybe because even in my darkest drinking days I am still a lightweight... 3 drinks and I'm dancing on a table and waking up next to an unfamiliar face. The doctors just want to prescribe me drugs and not listen. I was referred to see a psychiatrist for my anxiety though, but thanks to my crappy health insurance I couldn't find one accepting new patients with appointments anytime soon, so I have to wait until October.

Thank you for the support. I am glad I joined the forum. It feels good to tell my story and get feedback.
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Old 08-23-2014, 01:00 PM
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5 years ago a substance abuse 'expert' told me I was not an alcoholic. I just had some bad luck. I believed him and look where it got me. Lost a high profile career because I thought I could have another shot and a beer. And drank until the cows came home on days I didn't have to "watch" my drinking.
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Old 08-23-2014, 01:18 PM
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I had the anxiety/depression since my teens and eventually, alcohol became a way to self-medicate. So, I had to get the depression treated before I could deal with the alcoholism. I do take antidepressants and for me they level the playing field.

My anxiety is still there, but more manageable than when I was drinking. There are lots of good books on how to manage anxiety without medication. You will be able to get through this.

When Panic Attacks by David Burns MD
From Panic to Power by Lucinda Bassett
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Old 08-23-2014, 01:23 PM
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Wow, that's actually conforming to know that I'm not the only one to have doctors feed me lines like that. I believed it at first, but after my "near death" (I know I wasn't, but my mind believed I was in that moment) I knew, this life had to change, regardless of what the doctors told me.

I had one shot last night. It was my boyfriends birthday and he threw a big party. He knows what I'm going through and has been extremely supportive up until last night. I don't the he understands the extent of my addiction. I felt guilty for not being able to celebrate with him the way he wanted me to (although this perception is all in my mind.. I'm sure he would have been fine with me saying no). He asked if I was sure I wanted it and I said yes. I was proud of myself for keeping it at one shot. I told him I had to leave after that, and he understood. I guess you could call it a relapse, and that is actually what brought me to this forum today. While I may have taken a step back in recovery, I see this as progress. I recognized the situation I was putting myself in, and I walked away from it. One day at a time. I didn't become this way overnight, and I won't get better overnight.
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Old 08-23-2014, 01:37 PM
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Thanks Anna. I never had a problem with depression until after I gave up the alcohol, so I have now have great sympathy for those who suffer with it their entire lives. I have always had anxiety problems, and I have no doubt that I have an undiagnosed anxiety disorder. I self medicated with alcohol as well, and in the end it only makes things so much worse.

I have been reading many books about getting through anxiety through mindful thinking and other techniques of that nature. They have been very helpful, and I am very slowly, but successfully learning to counteract the negative self talk. I just keep telling myself, one day at a time.

Again, I truly appreciate all the support
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Old 08-23-2014, 01:50 PM
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Glad you here!!!
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Old 08-23-2014, 02:16 PM
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It's great to meet you Tikki! You are never alone.
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