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trying to raise 14 yo w/o drinking

Old 08-22-2014, 04:44 PM
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trying to raise 14 yo w/o drinking

Hi all. Can anyone with teens help me not pick up a drink?

Ok I allowed my 14yo son to go to a rap concert with his friend last night. My condition was that he could only go if his friends mom was going who I know . I was very nervous about him going to his first concert. Worried about ecposure to drugs and alcohol. I had a honest talk with him about this and prayed with him before he left. He was fine when he got home no signs of dipping and dapping. I don't think he has tried getting high I'm very in tune to his coming and goings and know his friends who spend a lot of time at my house since they were 6yo. Anyway tonight he asks me can he go to a party. I start asking him questions the who what and why. The answers didn't set right with me. The person having the party he dosnt know, he never hangs out in the nearby town where the party was hoing to be, it was at somebody's house. His connection is the kid he went to the concert with last nights so called friend. I asked him how he planned on getting there he says the mom that took him to concert last night. I said he couldn't go he looked very disapointed. So I said I needed to talk to his friends mom about the party I figured maybe she could fill me in on what was going on with the party. He got pissed and said u don't have to call her I m not going! Anyway my problem he's moping and I'm feeling guilty and anxious and can't get the thought of having a drink over. Am i m being over sensitive about parties concerts and other kids due to my past. I started around that age. And why can't I be ok with my decision not to let him go to the point I'm compteplating a drink. What would I do if some real crap hits the fan! How will I not pick up? Thx for any help.
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Old 08-22-2014, 05:01 PM
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I can't give much advice on having teens, hopefully there will be others who can pitch in on that topic!!

As to dealing with life? well there's always going to be ups and downs in life, Sobriety isn't a ticket to a stress free existence, life goes on, whether it's family, work, disappointments!!

We now need to find new tools to deal with it all, alcohol was our quick fix for life's problems, but it can be done without alcohol, non drinkers survive, so why can't we? but we need to find our new coping mechanisms, support is key, posting or reaching out before picking up that drink is important!!

Build the foundation now and if and when it does "hit the fan" you will have a set of tools capable to overcome anything life throws at you!!
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Old 08-22-2014, 05:04 PM
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It's really hard being a mother of teenagers. It often seems like you can't do anything right. You're seen as the gate-keeper. The upside is that in about 5 years, he will once again be a normal person.
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Old 08-22-2014, 05:27 PM
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If you feel good about who his friends are and where he's going then I wouldn't worry too much. At that age they mainly want to hang out with girls more than drink or try drugs. Good luck.
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Old 08-22-2014, 06:22 PM
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hi mistory 5, glad you're here and don't drink! i got sober when my son was 12 and boy i'm grateful i was sober through his teen years! be strong in your sobriety. it is a gift to your son too.

trust your instincts when it comes to his activities. if you're drinking you can't do that. the teenage years are chaotic and i can only image how much the chaos would have escalated if i had added the chaos of active alcoholism to the mix. i told my son if i didn't 'feel' right about something the answer was no. made me quite unpopular at times but at that age they don't need a friend, they need a parent.

i hope you are working a strong program of recovery. it helps to solidify our commitment to a sober life. and with a teenager in the house we need our wits about us! they can drive a sane person crazy. when drinking i was already insane so being committed to recovery helped my parenting of my teenager.

in my humble opinion you are not being over sensitive. it's our job to help them navigate through these turbulent times. and i think our familiarity with the party scene is a blessing when they wander into situations which may be over their heads. we can see the red flags. a twisted blessing?!

stay strong. don't drink. sending good thoughts your way!

also, the fact he didn't want you to call his friend's mother says to me your instincts were right on!!! good move on your part! keep doing what you're doing! he'll thank you one day. really.
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Old 08-22-2014, 06:43 PM
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Mistory, you are being his parent and you are making his safety your priority (along with your sobriety. Double priority, right? Right!).

I am so impressed with you because I know how hard it is to say no to your kid, especially when you don't have hard, fast reasons to say no.

I agree that the fact that he didn't want you to call the friend's mom is a sign that you did the right thing. I am not saying he was getting ready to go out and get trashed. I even wonder if he was glad that you said no. Sometimes kids really want us to set limits. I have told my kids that they can blame me for saying no to anything they know they shouldn't do; I don't care if their friends think I am too strict.

Good job tonight, Mom. No need to pick up. You did great!
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Old 08-22-2014, 08:33 PM
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Thank u all so much! With your help and calling my sponsor I made it through without a drink and all is peaceful in my house. My son made it through he just hung out at home watched some tv , on his cell , calm gave me hugs and kisses and now he is asleep. Thx so much for the encouragement, helping me to stay away from the drink, and most of all helping me to not let guilt , especially unecessary guilt drive me to a stupid drink!
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Old 08-22-2014, 08:38 PM
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14 is an impressonable age. At 14 is when my son went from caring about everything,having high hopes for his future to not really giving a crap about anything and hanging with the wrong crowd.

I would give anything to be able to turn time back. My best advice would be to lead by example. If he sees you sober it will be easier for him to pass up those wrong crowds and experimentation. I was telling my son you can't do this and that,but it was happening in the home. Kind of the pot calling the kettle black kind of thing.

We get one shot at parenting through those critical teenage years. Being sober will often put us in the make it not break it position.
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Old 08-22-2014, 09:20 PM
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I have a 13-yr-old son. The only parties he has gone to are always parent-supervised. They have all been at rented venues or hotels. There are security guards, no alcohol. They have DJs, dancing. He hasn't been to any house parties.

I don't think you are being over-protective. Kids need boundaries. He hasn't asked to go to a show yet. He likes a band named Daft Punk, I don't know if they tour but I wouldn't allow him to go to anything where there wasn't a parent there as well.

My first concert was Journey, I think I was 13, we were a group of girls and a couple parents.

Concerts are one thing, house parties different. If my son wants to go to a party that isn't supervised by parents I know, well he just won't be allowed to go.

You are doing right mom.

If he's moping and cut you off from contacting the mom, he may have been fibbing about the mom being there. Kids test their boundaries.

When I was 16, my best friend and I had a great plan..I told my mom I was spending the night at my friend's house and my friend said she was spending the night at my house - the idea was that we would hang out all night. Well, we got tired and it got boring and we went home when the buses started running and of course got busted. Our moms had called each other.

It's all about boundaries, you set them and trust me, they want and need them.
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Old 08-22-2014, 09:38 PM
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^ agree.

It's always harder to say no, than yes.

Let's face it, it sucks when your parent says no to something you will just "die" if you don't go to. I also remember feeling like a baby, not being allowed to do some things.

Kids are hard to deal with when they are upset about stuff like that, but if something happened at that party, and you don't know the parents, you would never forgive yourself.

I've seen parents ply kids with alcohol at parties too, and heard stories where porn was allowed to be played - so you really need to know who you are dealing with. There are predators out there too.
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Old 08-23-2014, 09:12 AM
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I have 4 kids and the oldest is a 17 year old boy. Its sucks being the parent sometimes but that is what we are. They will be moody, happy, moody, happy. Be a parent(an example) as they will model after you. Every teenage will think you have ruined their life but that is your job. In a few years it will be too late and you will stat letting them make their own decisions, some not so smart and some well teenagers...
AG
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Old 08-23-2014, 09:16 AM
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If you pick up because raising your teenager is hard then you are sending him a louder message than any party he will attend. You will be showing him that when the going gets tough, it's ok to avoid it by drinking. I know that's not the message you want him to hear.

I have triplet boys. They are almost 17. One of them has autism, which comes with it's own set of challenges. Many, many times they have not liked my decisions, but that just too bad. I have a responsibility. I'm sorry if at times they don't like it, but I don't take it personally. You shouldn't either. Hang on and keep doing the right things. Anna is right, it gets better.
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Old 08-23-2014, 09:25 AM
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When my oldest son was that age, I had those same instincts saying he shouldn't go. But I wanted to believe him and trust him so I let him go. He has always been a sweetheart of a kid. I allowed him alot of freedom as a teen even though it was against my gut feeling. Guess what? This past year at the age of 22, guess who I drove to rehab for heroine? Yep! My sweet boy. He has been sober now since January 2014, but the guilt you feel now for not letting your son go, is the guilt I feel now for letting my son go to those parties. And it turns out, now that all is in the open, 14 is when the pot and drinking started for my son!
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Old 08-23-2014, 10:09 AM
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Boy u all have given me fabulous feedback and renewed strength regarding being a single mom of teenage boy. His dad died when he was 11
not much family support. Thx for being my support and helping me handle this situation. I woke up today feeling good about my decision not to let him go, no guilt, no drink! And son content. SR is awesome!
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Old 08-23-2014, 10:24 AM
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Oct11...it's not your fault.

xoxo
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Old 08-23-2014, 01:17 PM
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Originally Posted by mistory5 View Post
Boy u all have given me fabulous feedback and renewed strength regarding being a single mom of teenage boy. His dad died when he was 11
not much family support. Thx for being my support and helping me handle this situation. I woke up today feeling good about my decision not to let him go, no guilt, no drink! And son content. SR is awesome!
My 1st wife died from alcohol addiction when my son was 13. It was tough for him for a number of years. Today (at 17) he is a small group leader for 6th grade boys at our church. I've been been honest with him and tried to say 'I understand', been firm, and yet let him have freedom. For a few years he would say he had no control and I made every decision. I had to laugh after he left the room as that was him venting over things I might not have even known about.
He is a good kid but sometimes I am like who are you and what did you do with my son from yesterday....

Stay true to God. Being sober is an Awesome thing.
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