PAINLESS66

tomorrow makes 160 day clean for me and even though I hardly ever think of using drugs anymore please know that by having 160 days clean means hardly nothing in the big picture... I have such a long way to go in my recovery that my head is just slightly above the water line to where I can see theres a life beyond drowning in drugs. its not just the drugs we need to control but the behavior that leads us to using those drugs. Trust me... My life has many ups and downs still... I take great care of myself and I watch what I put into my body. I make sure I eat right and keep my sugar levels respectable so my Diabetes don't hurt me. I still have my moments though where in the past I would simply pick up and use but now I address those moments with a clearer mind and I talk myself through them to where I remain clean. Ive talked myself through some terrible things and through some terribly lonely times. There is still a person in my life that No matter what I try to do I just cant rid my mind of them. I wish I could but I just cant and its taking its toll on me and my relationship. The only thing that could make it go away I can not succumb to nor will I so Ill just suffer until I figure out a way to better cope with this loss... its just very hard to love another when your heart feels it belongs somewhere else... im only human and this human hurt a very innocent and loving person when i was using. I know i was the one doing all the lying and not the drugs. I can easily say it was the drugs that made me lie but lets face it... yes drugs will make you lie but at the end of the day we know just what were doing. when i was on drugs I lied about the stupidest things where the love of my entire life ALWAYS KNEW THE TRUTH and ALWAYS GAVE ME AN OUT but the ******** junkie idiot inside me thought a lie and to stand on that lie was the right thing to do... so... I LIED... She warned me from day 1 that the only thing that could ever destroy us would be DRUGS... drugs have always been my downfall and they destroyed the most beautiful thing ever in my life... It took her leaving me to finally realize that i need to either get clean or get clean. She deserved the best of me because thats all she ever gave of herself to me yet im the kind of idiot that thinks my pretty puppy dog eyes and my cute lil smile can cure any broken heart along with my popular lying excuse that I WAS HIGH AND DONT REMEMBER DOING OR SAYING THAT... People... wake up cause the bad we all do to the ones that love us will scar them deeply and can at times NEVER HEAL.... I lost the TRUST in her which was all she ever wanted. It dosent matter in the least that right now I am the very man she always dreamed of having and that I tell the truth no matter how hard itll put my ass in a sling. Ive no reason to lie because im not doing drugs. I dont have shady behavior in my life... She gave me chance after chance and with each chance i would take more of her soul and crush it by lying more thinking shed never find out... I did a great many things to her and in doing so i crushed the only heart to ever love me whose love at that time i couldnt match because i loved the needle more then i loved her i guess... its not a guess... its a sad fact. the needle had me... i just wanted a real second chance to show her i became the man she always dreamed of and that I could make and keep her happy and very trusting in her eyes... God made me in his image and NOT the image of a lying junkie... I cant blame my ex for not wanting to take a second chance... why should she??? Whos stupid enough to even wanna think about trusting an addict to not repeat their same mistakes... so... im just gunna keep on keeping on and im gunna stay clean and maybe one day after she dates a few other guys and realizes that through it all i was the one that treated her the best she might just wanna take a chance that i know i can guarantee a genuine win with a high stakes pay out... people... we all gotta face our demons and accept the terrible things weve all done to others wether they ever take a chance on forgiving us at least we tried... no one can ask any more from us after our apologies other then to leave them be and allow them to heal... i gave my ex months to heal and i never call her because she made it plain and clear we were over and that it wouldnt be healthy for either of us to keep on communicating in any way shape or form so i let her go... the confusing part is knowing she still loves me and that the only time shell call me is on fridays when shes had a few shots of liquid courage and her nuts drop to where shell call me and curse me up down and sideways... she leaves me messages that ill play over and over just to hear her voice... even though shes cursing me out i still love hearing her voice... theres nothing I wouldnt do to prove ive changed and changed not for her but for myself first because how can we really love another if we cant love and respect ourselves??? sorry for the rambling... it feels good to vent... i have no friends to talk to and my current girlfriend knows in her heart that im still in love with my ex... u cant hide true love... u can disguise it... change the sound of it... but it is what it is... true love... LOVE HURTS...

Soberwolf

When my gf left it was the wake up call that saved my life

Your doing great that's 160 days of not drinking that's so amazing for me to hear it really is

PurpleKnight

160 days is fantastic, be very proud of making the changes in your life!!

Inchworm

Love the one you're with Painless. Your other love left you with the gift of sobriety. What a gift! Congratulations!

biminiblue

Yes. The first love was in your life to show you the way out.

Your lesson and hers in that relationship were very different lessons.

For your own happiness, move on and let her go once and for all.

PAINLESS66

Thanks everyone... Your comments are greatly appreciated and much needed at times.