My brother is in a spiral... and i need to talk
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2
My brother is in a spiral... and i need to talk
Hey all... i've been thinking about signing up for a recovery forum for a long time now and finally decided to do it tonight.
I'm not really even sure why... i guess i just need to talk to people in similar situations instead of just feeling helpless all the time...
But heres the thing. I'm not an alcoholic (although i was dangerously close to becoming one years ago) but my older brother most definitely is. The problem is... that i don't know what i can do about it
I'm 31 right now and my brother is 37. We've been close for my entire life. Dad left when I was in grade school and he basically became the closest thing i had to a dad at that point (i was raised by him, my mom and my grandparents). We were dirt poor growing up, but actually moved into more "middle class" as i hit late high school/college. I know, fairly standard sob story for suburbia and no where near as bad as many have it, just giving some backstory.
Alcoholism is huge in my family, on both sides. Pick a male member of my family over the age of 14 for the last 3 generations and you'll find at least a mild alcoholic. We've all kinda learned to deal with that. Most, however, are high functioning alcoholics. No, i'm not making excuses. Its still horrible. But the vast majority have families, jobs, lives and at least some days of sobriety. There are only a few that are COMPLETELY trashing their lives with the alcohol.
My brother is one of those.
He has several medical problems (from birth, way before his current problems. And no, any birth problems weren't due to it... at least one mom's side... mom has always been one of the few sober ones, god bless her). Skin problems, lung problems, bone density issues... its a laundry list. Doctors said he wouldn't live past 10.
He's 37 now with a bachelor's degree in computer science. By all accounts he should be a success story.
He lives on SSI (government assistance) and refuses to go out and get a job because A: he says his medical issues will lock him out of many possibilities (which, yea, they would i guess), and B: He doesn't want to lose his medical card. He also keeps resisting the idea of going back for more schooling for some reason (yes, we can afford it). All he does now is sit at home and drink.
Over the last 3 or 4 years the drinking has gotten way worse than before. He used to be a "weekend warrior" as he called it. Sober 5-6 days a week and bombed for the weekend. I honestly didn't have any issues with this. Most days of the week i could call him up or visit and hey, he's my brother. If its a good day we can go bowling or see a movie or something. If its a bad day we can play super smash brothers. You get the idea.
But over the last aforementioned years, its the other way around. He'll go on a 1-2 week binge where he is wasted 24/7 until his stomach, blood pressure or some other internal problem fires up and forces him to stop for awhile. During those weeks i can barely talk to him. He rambles on about anything he can, gets into shouting matches with me or mom, smashes stuff he owns and generally talks about how worthless he feels.
When his body revolts on him he detoxes for 1-3 days and then stays off the stuff for about a week.
In that week i have my brother back. Just like before. And, while i know he's depressed (i've talked to him waaaaay to much not to know that) he at least seems like he can get SOME enjoyment out of life during that time.
Then he starts drinking again. And we repeat this cycle.
And this is where we are, almost half a decade later.
I'm so tired.
This is one of the people i love most in the world. One of the people who has drug me up from the pits of depression myself on several occasions. The ONE person i could talk to about ANYTHING in my entire life.
And i'm watching him kill himself.
Slowly, but surely.
And nothing i say or do seems to get through to him.
I've tried getting him job apps for various places around town. I've shown up on his doorstep with a class list for the local college. We've gone to movies, out to eat, bowling, mini golf, anything i can think of to get him out and engaged in the world and away from the alcohol (while not actually mentioning i'm staying away from bar hopping for a reason).
Nothing works. A week later he's back to being "drunk brother" instead of "brother" and the only thing that will bring him out of it is physical pain. Again.
We've fought more times in the last year than the previous 30. When he's sober he absolutely agrees he has a SERIOUS alcohol problem. He's not in denial of that fact. He just doesn't seem to be able to keep away from it. Every spare cent he gets that doesn't go to rent goes to beer. Every dime. And he just sits at home, on the computer or the tv, and drinks himself into oblivion.
I don't know what else to do. I don't know where else to go. All i know is that i refuse to give up on him, even if he has. But i'm so tired... Every fight with him, every drunk text conversation, every time i stop in to find him passed out on the floor in front of his computer chair... it just grinds me down just a little bit more.
I'm sorry for the long winded post. It took me this long to sign up for a place like this and literally all afternoon to be able to write this. I don't know what good it will do really... but i have to talk to SOMEONE... even if its an internet forum. And everyone local is either part of the same mess (my family) or is something that can't help (somehow i don't think physically dragging him to an AA meeting will help much...).
Thanks for reading all that everyone.
If anyone has any advice i would love to hear it... but i'm not sure what else i can do...
wish us luck
I'm not really even sure why... i guess i just need to talk to people in similar situations instead of just feeling helpless all the time...
But heres the thing. I'm not an alcoholic (although i was dangerously close to becoming one years ago) but my older brother most definitely is. The problem is... that i don't know what i can do about it
I'm 31 right now and my brother is 37. We've been close for my entire life. Dad left when I was in grade school and he basically became the closest thing i had to a dad at that point (i was raised by him, my mom and my grandparents). We were dirt poor growing up, but actually moved into more "middle class" as i hit late high school/college. I know, fairly standard sob story for suburbia and no where near as bad as many have it, just giving some backstory.
Alcoholism is huge in my family, on both sides. Pick a male member of my family over the age of 14 for the last 3 generations and you'll find at least a mild alcoholic. We've all kinda learned to deal with that. Most, however, are high functioning alcoholics. No, i'm not making excuses. Its still horrible. But the vast majority have families, jobs, lives and at least some days of sobriety. There are only a few that are COMPLETELY trashing their lives with the alcohol.
My brother is one of those.
He has several medical problems (from birth, way before his current problems. And no, any birth problems weren't due to it... at least one mom's side... mom has always been one of the few sober ones, god bless her). Skin problems, lung problems, bone density issues... its a laundry list. Doctors said he wouldn't live past 10.
He's 37 now with a bachelor's degree in computer science. By all accounts he should be a success story.
He lives on SSI (government assistance) and refuses to go out and get a job because A: he says his medical issues will lock him out of many possibilities (which, yea, they would i guess), and B: He doesn't want to lose his medical card. He also keeps resisting the idea of going back for more schooling for some reason (yes, we can afford it). All he does now is sit at home and drink.
Over the last 3 or 4 years the drinking has gotten way worse than before. He used to be a "weekend warrior" as he called it. Sober 5-6 days a week and bombed for the weekend. I honestly didn't have any issues with this. Most days of the week i could call him up or visit and hey, he's my brother. If its a good day we can go bowling or see a movie or something. If its a bad day we can play super smash brothers. You get the idea.
But over the last aforementioned years, its the other way around. He'll go on a 1-2 week binge where he is wasted 24/7 until his stomach, blood pressure or some other internal problem fires up and forces him to stop for awhile. During those weeks i can barely talk to him. He rambles on about anything he can, gets into shouting matches with me or mom, smashes stuff he owns and generally talks about how worthless he feels.
When his body revolts on him he detoxes for 1-3 days and then stays off the stuff for about a week.
In that week i have my brother back. Just like before. And, while i know he's depressed (i've talked to him waaaaay to much not to know that) he at least seems like he can get SOME enjoyment out of life during that time.
Then he starts drinking again. And we repeat this cycle.
And this is where we are, almost half a decade later.
I'm so tired.
This is one of the people i love most in the world. One of the people who has drug me up from the pits of depression myself on several occasions. The ONE person i could talk to about ANYTHING in my entire life.
And i'm watching him kill himself.
Slowly, but surely.
And nothing i say or do seems to get through to him.
I've tried getting him job apps for various places around town. I've shown up on his doorstep with a class list for the local college. We've gone to movies, out to eat, bowling, mini golf, anything i can think of to get him out and engaged in the world and away from the alcohol (while not actually mentioning i'm staying away from bar hopping for a reason).
Nothing works. A week later he's back to being "drunk brother" instead of "brother" and the only thing that will bring him out of it is physical pain. Again.
We've fought more times in the last year than the previous 30. When he's sober he absolutely agrees he has a SERIOUS alcohol problem. He's not in denial of that fact. He just doesn't seem to be able to keep away from it. Every spare cent he gets that doesn't go to rent goes to beer. Every dime. And he just sits at home, on the computer or the tv, and drinks himself into oblivion.
I don't know what else to do. I don't know where else to go. All i know is that i refuse to give up on him, even if he has. But i'm so tired... Every fight with him, every drunk text conversation, every time i stop in to find him passed out on the floor in front of his computer chair... it just grinds me down just a little bit more.
I'm sorry for the long winded post. It took me this long to sign up for a place like this and literally all afternoon to be able to write this. I don't know what good it will do really... but i have to talk to SOMEONE... even if its an internet forum. And everyone local is either part of the same mess (my family) or is something that can't help (somehow i don't think physically dragging him to an AA meeting will help much...).
Thanks for reading all that everyone.
If anyone has any advice i would love to hear it... but i'm not sure what else i can do...
wish us luck
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
why don't you offer to take him to an AA meeting
some will tell you that it will not work
don't be to sure about that
I have friends in AA with many years of sobriety
who's family or friends brought them to their first meetings
M-Bob
most towns have what is called AA Central
they will share locations and times of AA meetings
some will tell you that it will not work
don't be to sure about that
I have friends in AA with many years of sobriety
who's family or friends brought them to their first meetings
M-Bob
most towns have what is called AA Central
they will share locations and times of AA meetings
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2
thanks guys... i'll try that friends and family forum...
we've discusses al anon on his "sober" days and he's completely against it. He won't even give me a straight answer as to why... just that he "can't and won't give up the beer completely"... even 2 breaths after he talks about how much bad its doing to him...
never really thought about just going to al anon myself. Kinda figured i'd feel a bit weird there, since, while i used to drink about 2 nights a week (remember the "weekend warrior" thing above? I was with him most of those weekends lol...) i only even get a 6 pack anymore on a bad night at work.
I might think about going... at the very least they might help get my head back into the right place. The helpless feeling is killing me
we've discusses al anon on his "sober" days and he's completely against it. He won't even give me a straight answer as to why... just that he "can't and won't give up the beer completely"... even 2 breaths after he talks about how much bad its doing to him...
never really thought about just going to al anon myself. Kinda figured i'd feel a bit weird there, since, while i used to drink about 2 nights a week (remember the "weekend warrior" thing above? I was with him most of those weekends lol...) i only even get a 6 pack anymore on a bad night at work.
I might think about going... at the very least they might help get my head back into the right place. The helpless feeling is killing me
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,909
Heartbreaking... 
Wish your brother could read this. Don't know if it's good advice, but maybe show this to him or write him a letter?
I personally wouldn't want to be dragged anywhere. Could you show him this forum? Reading it and posting here has made a dramatic difference in my life. Also, don't know if this will help, but google and maybe show him the video "Wasted: High on Alcohol", it scared the bejesus out of me. Ultimately though, he's the one who has to want this...
Please stay here and post. You will find a lot of support here. Definitely check out the Friends and Family subforum: Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Please take care of yourself too.
Wish your brother could read this. Don't know if it's good advice, but maybe show this to him or write him a letter?I personally wouldn't want to be dragged anywhere. Could you show him this forum? Reading it and posting here has made a dramatic difference in my life. Also, don't know if this will help, but google and maybe show him the video "Wasted: High on Alcohol", it scared the bejesus out of me. Ultimately though, he's the one who has to want this...
Please stay here and post. You will find a lot of support here. Definitely check out the Friends and Family subforum: Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Please take care of yourself too.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 2,693
Tim,
I can really relate to your story except with my uncle rather than brother. He drinks very similarly to your brother. It's like he's resigned himself to just continuing without even giving sobriety a real shot. He has the opportunity for free rehab but won't go because he thinks it is too spiritual.
That sounds like torture to be around someone who talks about how they don't want to go to AA or Alanon yet talk about how bad drinking is for them. I wouldn't want to hear them talk about either anymore. I guess it's kind of his business but has he been honest with a doctor about his drinking and had a full blood panel? I didn't realize I needed to stop until I received scary health news from the doctor. The denial ended there for me.
Either way, as you know it is up to him to stop. You have to take good care of yourself. I say go to a meeting by yourself. I think they have some slogan that if you don't like what get from the meeting, they will refund your misery at the door? I kinda like that.
I can really relate to your story except with my uncle rather than brother. He drinks very similarly to your brother. It's like he's resigned himself to just continuing without even giving sobriety a real shot. He has the opportunity for free rehab but won't go because he thinks it is too spiritual.
That sounds like torture to be around someone who talks about how they don't want to go to AA or Alanon yet talk about how bad drinking is for them. I wouldn't want to hear them talk about either anymore. I guess it's kind of his business but has he been honest with a doctor about his drinking and had a full blood panel? I didn't realize I needed to stop until I received scary health news from the doctor. The denial ended there for me.
Either way, as you know it is up to him to stop. You have to take good care of yourself. I say go to a meeting by yourself. I think they have some slogan that if you don't like what get from the meeting, they will refund your misery at the door? I kinda like that.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
Hi Tim, I am the same age as your brother and had very similar drinking patterns. I was a weekend warrior for a long time and my life wasn't impacted much by alcohol besides a Sunday hangover. Alcoholism is progressive however and I eventually ended up drinking vodka every waking moment 24/7. Within 5 years, I lost everything. My career, my house, car, fiance, finances etc.
I checked into rehab when I hit rock bottom at this point. However, I knew I had a serious problem and I wanted to help myself. Booze had caused nothing but misery and chaos to my life. I wanted to get sober. Your brother needs to make that decision for himself and then the healing can begin.
I checked into rehab when I hit rock bottom at this point. However, I knew I had a serious problem and I wanted to help myself. Booze had caused nothing but misery and chaos to my life. I wanted to get sober. Your brother needs to make that decision for himself and then the healing can begin.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by Tim1983 
we've discusses al anon on his "sober" days and he's completely against it. He won't even give me a straight answer as to why
al anon meetings would be recommended for you
AA -- Alcoholics Anonymous would be recommended for him
on a good day you may be able to drag him there
my one friend in AA was dragged there 7 years ago by a family member
he has not had a drink since (7 years sober)
MM
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
You didn't cause it, can't control it or cure it. Loving detachment. AlAnon would be great for you since you don't identify as an addict/alcoholic. Its helpful to learn how to set boundaries so you don't enable but be supportive to help him if he wants to change.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
This is carbon copy of me and my brother almost exact
He tried to save me by moving in for a week with me and it was blurry all I know he was trying to help and I didn't want it ur brother most prob knows he'll need to do something soon
It may have to come after a serious event because of it I feel ur pain now I'm sober 13 months
Tell your brother u have met him sober longish term over a year through me if u like as I was him and its humbling to hear it like that
Tell ur bro I'm happy now money in my pocket not much to worry about and if it does I deal with it sober
Tell him I'm happy and I mean that he can be just as happy
I wouldn't try shock tactics on an alcoholic those telling ur history it can get messy
Ask him what he wants really tell him why are u hiding when u have a lot to give tell him u won't give up and u miss ur big bro
Me and my brother use this a lot
It ain't how hard u can hit its how hard u can get hit n keep moving forward
Tell ur brother to send me a pm if he wants I'm not aa I'm just me 32 yes old and now exactly what it is like
He tried to save me by moving in for a week with me and it was blurry all I know he was trying to help and I didn't want it ur brother most prob knows he'll need to do something soon
It may have to come after a serious event because of it I feel ur pain now I'm sober 13 months
Tell your brother u have met him sober longish term over a year through me if u like as I was him and its humbling to hear it like that
Tell ur bro I'm happy now money in my pocket not much to worry about and if it does I deal with it sober
Tell him I'm happy and I mean that he can be just as happy
I wouldn't try shock tactics on an alcoholic those telling ur history it can get messy
Ask him what he wants really tell him why are u hiding when u have a lot to give tell him u won't give up and u miss ur big bro
Me and my brother use this a lot
It ain't how hard u can hit its how hard u can get hit n keep moving forward
Tell ur brother to send me a pm if he wants I'm not aa I'm just me 32 yes old and now exactly what it is like
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Yeah, Al Anon is for the friends and family of people who are drinking.
Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) is for the alcoholic himself.
You can search online for meetings in your area.
So sorry you are going through this. It sounds very very serious. My father died at 41, he was a drinker. Very sad.
Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) is for the alcoholic himself.
You can search online for meetings in your area.
So sorry you are going through this. It sounds very very serious. My father died at 41, he was a drinker. Very sad.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Just wanted to let you know that I understand. My mom is spiralling in her alcoholism and she and my codependent father are in total denial. Alanon, detachment, and SR's friends and family forum help a lot. I have used my mom's problem as total inspiration for my own sobriety, so in that sense, I can find some good in the situation. Just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I feel your pain.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: midwest
Posts: 484
Originally Posted by Tim1983
we've discusses al anon on his "sober" days and he's completely against it. He won't even give me a straight answer as to why...
When the addiction get's that bad then he is living dependent on it. He will be upset with any notion of departing from the only thing that is bringing him happiness in the present moments. He somehow has to understand "why" his life is miserable. I feel that once he accepts the fact alcohol is the source of most/all of his problems then he will begin to deal with it. Dealing with it can also take a long time but is much healthier to live on until we finally quit. Drinking with personal guilt changed my whole perception of the seriousness of alcohol. It forced me to think.
The problem is the path from A to B and then B to C. The relationship that we have with our "happiness button" is that it makes us feel better to drink. Even in the presence of your life falling apart.. we will blame ourselves before we blame alcohol.
I am not qualified to give any real direction but it looks like a lot of others have already provided that! Somehow he has to accept that he is not worthless and alcohol is devastating his life. He has to begin cultivating HOPE somehow. And knowing he can attain it!
Much Respect
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Welcome to the Forum!! 
It can be very frustrating looking in on someone elses addiciton, which is why getting support for you in all of this is important, but the main thing is to try and surrender and try to find some peace in the fact that until your brother wants to change his own life, then there is very little that can be done besides comment on his drinking.
It can be tough, but there's loads of support here on SR too!!
It can be very frustrating looking in on someone elses addiciton, which is why getting support for you in all of this is important, but the main thing is to try and surrender and try to find some peace in the fact that until your brother wants to change his own life, then there is very little that can be done besides comment on his drinking.
It can be tough, but there's loads of support here on SR too!!
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