Charlie117926

My specific question for those with some sobriety behind them is how did you deal with guilt.

I will give my personal example. Now that I have 5 days sober, I will just sit back in the yard and watch my kids play and I just get this overwhelming guilt of how I spent endless days and nights not being their for them because I was inebriated. The times how they asked me to play with them and I chose to drink rather than be a part of their activities. The guilt of this just eats at me.

How do you overcome these feelings. I know the tow the line phrase that "that was yesterday and today is today." But does anyone have personal experiences of how they were able to overcome these types of issues?

I have many areas of guilt but above was just one example. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

tomsteve

I saw that I wasn't a bad man, just a sick man.
and put in the footwork to change me to be a better man. that took T.I.M.E.

Altoids

When those types of thought start, I just brush them aside. I cannot change the past and ruminating on them only makes me feel horrible and that isn't going to help me today.

mistory5

Stay in today, don't drink, and be present now. That guilt will drive u to drink! It did it to me but I know now it's a trick of the enemy to get u to pick up and to cause more pain for yourself and the ones u love. Put your battle gear on!

newhope01

Try focusing on all the positive that you have done for your family instead of the darker past. Remember you aren't the same person anymore and are making the necessary changes to be a better person.

Its important that we forgive ourselves and others.

Meraviglioso

I struggle with this too Charlie, but I try to remember that each time I drink I will take away another day/evening/moment with them. It does sound trite, but the past is the past and there is nothing we can do to change it. We can only go forward with good intentions and improved behaviors to prove that we are better than that. Keep at it buddy, and thanks for all your help.

Nowsthetime

Make up for lost time. BE THERE now. And keep sober. Best thing you can do.

Charlie117926

Thanks for the posts. Maybe I am overthinking this whole thing. I overthink a lot.

Maybe it is a simple as letting go and making the most of what I have today. I went and looked back over my old posts and I have given people the same advice that you all have given me. I guess that makes me either a hypocrite or I am just full of emotions right now.

Maybe I just need to tear off my rear view mirror and step on the gas.

Thanks to everyone for their help

GaAs

Hi Charlie117926,
I think that this is not that sort of guilt which can not be rectified. You are sober now and you can do a lot of good things for your kids.
In such situations I try to concentrate on how to compensate the harm than to think how to change memories about the past.
Normally when I'm sincerely trying to undo the loss the feeling of guilt leaves after a while.
Action is the best treatment I think.

hopeful4

I am from the other side of the coin, my X husband and I divorced due to his drinking. I can say the best thing you can do to overcome the guilt is to be honest with them and do the right thing in the future. Stay sober. That will be the greatest gift of all to them.

Ghostlight1

I've been sober three years seven months now and I have feelings of guilt occasionally.
But that's all they are-thoughts. I can't go back and change the past, but I can redeem myself in the present day by making up for my drunken behaviors.
I'm a better person now. I manifest that by trying harder, forgiving those who have hurt me and forgiving myself for those I have harmed.
I've found that prayer helps immensely with this.
I can't relive the past and go back and change my irresponsibility's, but I can be a better person today, and every day. This is what helps me with guilt from my drinking days. And I was a bad drunk. Unreliable, irresponsible and basically a self-centered uncaring drunk.

ScottFromWI

I think you are correct on all accounts. Self pity/self hate/guilt is really counterproductive for all involved parties. Keep in mind you are very, very early in sobriety too at 5 days and emotions tend to be all over the map.

One of the things that helped me very early on was to make lists of things I was going to accomplish. You can even add seemingly simple things like "play with kids" or "clean the kitchen" to your lists, and they motivate you as well as give you a sense of accomplishment once completed.

bunnezjp

I feel you, I am there, too. I try to keep in mind that today, I am safe. I don't ever have to feel the way I felt in my past ever again. This, too shall pass....I just want it to pass a little faster, sometimes lol.

Hobbers

Well, I USED to deal with guilt... by drinking.

I'm only 9 days in. I can't help you, mate, but I am hopeful others here might help you (and me!) with a good answer.

Anna

Charlie, I struggled a lot with guilt and shame, too. In fact, it overwhelmed me for months in early recovery. Finally, someone suggested journaling and I tried that. I was reluctant, but also desperate because as others have pointed out, the shame leads right back to drinking again. So, I wrote and wrote for months and got most of the dark thoughts out into the light.

And, try to remember, it's necessary to forgive yourself and that doesn't mean accepting that it was okay, it means accepting that you deserve to be forgiven, just as we all do.

desypete

i carried the guilt around for a long time as my drinking got worse and cost me my kids

the day they got took away by social workers and placed into foster care haunted me
i could see them crying and screaming as they didnt want to go, they were begging me and the kids mum to come and get them but we couldnt do anything as the police were there and held us back

all because me and the kids mum drank like fish and fought like lunatics
before the drink had taken hold of us we were good parents worked hard, put the kids first and brought them up good
we knew right from wrong and we loved our kids like any parent would

yet a few years of drinking and how it took hold of us and progressed to daily drinking cost me so much

when i first got sober and my kids were in care and my ex wife went off with another drunk as she couldnt get sober. i had to carry this guilt around with me, i never believed one day i would get my kids back
i thought they would hate me for the rest of there lives

happily after 12 months the social workers took notice of me and how my life was now changing i had a job i was in aa and had been sober with no more trouble and most importantly my wife had gone her way and i had gone my way

so they let me have my kids back as a single parent dad, my older kids came back to me as well so i had all my kids back and was happy but still guilty at the same time

i simply made it up to them by not drinking a day at a time the kids loved me sober but didnt like the drunk dad
i soon learned to forgive myself for all the past and start to live in the day and make each day be a happy memory for my kids

sadly i lost one of my youngest to stomach cancer he was just 16 he had suffered much with the illness and suffered a lot in life with being dragged off to foster care etc
i was there with him 24 /7 right up to the end me and him were the best mates in the world i kept him happy while in hospital having his treatments i never once lost sight of trying to do all i could for him

i only wish my son could of had a perfect life with a perfect mum and dad but it wasnt the case
however i know my kids love me and are proud of me today rather than ashamed of me or embarrassed by me

kids will love us unconditional so long as we are kind to them and look after them
so my words to you would be enjoy them and create as many happy memories you can for your kids today and every day from here on in

you will soon forget all the guilt as you focus on them rather than how you feel : )

good luck to you

Charlie117926

Thanks to everyone for the help and guidance. I think a journal of some sort may be a great help.

To Desypete: Thank you for sharing your story with me. I am speechless in what you went through and how you made it out. I don't have any other words at this moment but to say thank you for sharing. It really puts things into their proper perspective for me.

trachemys

That was me. Couldn't feel bad about the behavior when I kept up the behavior. Now, I have to face it. Now, I have to face a lot of things I used to drink away. Like, waking up feeling good, the appreciation for my sobriety by my family, not wondering if I reeked of the alcohol level in my body when out in public...you get the idea.

Fly N Buy

Very common issue with most of us drunks.....!

Had a gent tell me one day - each day you don't drink you are making amends to yourself and loved ones.

That thought helped me a lot.....

peace

ardy

does it ever go away Honest NO.. but little things help.. my Daughter is in England and the last time we had breakfast I went in to tears as I felt I let her down when she was little .. Mom you are and have always been the best Mom.. Look were I am today, You did this .. a few years back at a job.. I was working in child protection( that will drive you to drink) fellow Officer grabbed me and held me tight .. You have not left the kids behind for the child that remembers what we do today is the child that will help change things... Guilt.. my Pop on his Death Bed tried to heal his Guilt.. maybe but I don't think so.. for when I am very sad about being a child the song What a Beautiful World Plays somewhere.. it was his fav song.. feel that he still is reaching out to say Arda was I that bad.. sometimes YES and sometimes my Best Friend and then when Mom and I are in tears with thoughts of so long ago.. she lets me .. say out loud You Son of a Bitch You can't hurt her or us anymore.. and then we go and have coffee and burger at the shop near the Barber Shop.. and then go and chat in the sun by his grave. I leave a penny and Ace of hearts for him to play cards with Granny and Aunt Polly.. yep every year since 1999... Does it get Better. No and then well maybe a little and then NO and then hug your kids try to be there for them.. don't beat yourself up about the drinking. and remember if you love them and are there for them they will not do what you did. for they see the problem and want a betterr life for thier families and you.. My Pop never saw the great things his GrandKids have done and neve radmitted that his Daughters were smart enought to have these kids and the work that we do.. love ardy