Newbie with an alcoholic boyfriend
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 4
Newbie with an alcoholic boyfriend
Hello. I am new to the group as well as Al-Anon. I am looking for advice and help from you all. Currently I feel like I have no one to express my side to or anyone who "gets it." But I'm sure you all will. So here we go…I have been with my current partner for approximately 2 years. We currently live together. Also, we help care for his senior mother ( who lives with us) and 2 weeks out of the month his 15 year old son is with us and the other time he is with bio mom. He has been an addict for quite some time (opiates and alcohol) I'm learning and has tried a few attempts at sobriety. All failures. As of a week ago, I put him in a detox/treatment facility. It is a great facility in our city and it is very expensive. They have all the bells and whistles…yoga, acupuncture, hikes, meditation, art, gym, swimming etc…I agreed if he were to enter a 30-60 day treatment, I would pay his bills, his very expensive deductible and copays, care for his family and keep up the household. He got FMLA from his job so that was secure. I have done everything for him from calling his boss and securing his job, dealing with insurance non stop, borrowing money from family and friends to support us through this. I've filled out every piece of paperwork for him. Literally everything. All he had to do was show up and try.
So a few days ago, I get a call from him at the facility and he says come pick me up, insurance denied my stay. I was totally shocked because as far as I knew, it was covered. So needless to say I was very scared. I immediately get on the phone and call another treatment facility and get him approved and got him a bed for the night. He tells me he doesn't want to go. I offer the intensive outpatient program to him. He denies it. Then he says I want to just go to a few meetings a week. I said only if you get a private psychologist on the side. So the day of his first psych appointment arrives (which is 400 an hour and I agreed to pay) and he bails on it.
I call the facility where he first stayed and asked about the insurance issue. They tell me there was no issue with insurance and he was asked to leave for being abusive to staff and patients. My mind was blown! I couldn't believe it.
I told him since he didn't want to be in a closed facility where he didn't have to work and just focus on himself that he would have to find a part time job and continue his meetings. I said I gave back the money that I got from others to help because we simply didn't need it anymore since he didn't want to be in treatment. He flipped out. Called me every name under the sun…said i was a traitor and selfish and that I need to move out immediately. The irony of it all is I never said I wouldn't help him. I said he can't just sit around doing nothing all day and needs to keep himself busy and productive. I love him and want him to heal.
I don't know what to do. Is his reaction valid? Or am I just enabling? I bent over backwards to get him into these nice facilities and totally embarrassed myself in front of my family pleading for help. I just don't know what else to do. Im scared for him and his family. Please help me find a solution.
So a few days ago, I get a call from him at the facility and he says come pick me up, insurance denied my stay. I was totally shocked because as far as I knew, it was covered. So needless to say I was very scared. I immediately get on the phone and call another treatment facility and get him approved and got him a bed for the night. He tells me he doesn't want to go. I offer the intensive outpatient program to him. He denies it. Then he says I want to just go to a few meetings a week. I said only if you get a private psychologist on the side. So the day of his first psych appointment arrives (which is 400 an hour and I agreed to pay) and he bails on it.
I call the facility where he first stayed and asked about the insurance issue. They tell me there was no issue with insurance and he was asked to leave for being abusive to staff and patients. My mind was blown! I couldn't believe it.
I told him since he didn't want to be in a closed facility where he didn't have to work and just focus on himself that he would have to find a part time job and continue his meetings. I said I gave back the money that I got from others to help because we simply didn't need it anymore since he didn't want to be in treatment. He flipped out. Called me every name under the sun…said i was a traitor and selfish and that I need to move out immediately. The irony of it all is I never said I wouldn't help him. I said he can't just sit around doing nothing all day and needs to keep himself busy and productive. I love him and want him to heal.
I don't know what to do. Is his reaction valid? Or am I just enabling? I bent over backwards to get him into these nice facilities and totally embarrassed myself in front of my family pleading for help. I just don't know what else to do. Im scared for him and his family. Please help me find a solution.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,494
Welcome and I'm sorry for your situation.
You said that you did all the preparatory work, all the paperwork etc and all he had to do was to show up. In my opinion, you should allow him to seek support where and when he wants. He will or he won't but you can't force him.
I hope you find some peace.
You said that you did all the preparatory work, all the paperwork etc and all he had to do was to show up. In my opinion, you should allow him to seek support where and when he wants. He will or he won't but you can't force him.
I hope you find some peace.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Welcome to the Forum Bunny!! 
From your story, it sounds like your partner doesn't want to change, you seem to be putting a lot more effort into things than he is, and that's a problem, if he doesn't want to change his ways and get Sober, then all the money and treatment resources in the world won't make him Sober, it needs to be something he want's to achieve for himself!!
You need to look after you in all of this though, maybe he will change, but what if he doesn't? don't let your life pass you by looking in and waiting for someone else to sort out their addiction, it can be a very frustrating and thankless task!!
You'll find loads of support here on SR, Al-anon is fantastic too, we also have a friends and family section in the Forum, which is worth a read!!
From your story, it sounds like your partner doesn't want to change, you seem to be putting a lot more effort into things than he is, and that's a problem, if he doesn't want to change his ways and get Sober, then all the money and treatment resources in the world won't make him Sober, it needs to be something he want's to achieve for himself!!
You need to look after you in all of this though, maybe he will change, but what if he doesn't? don't let your life pass you by looking in and waiting for someone else to sort out their addiction, it can be a very frustrating and thankless task!!
You'll find loads of support here on SR, Al-anon is fantastic too, we also have a friends and family section in the Forum, which is worth a read!!
Working-cl*** pseudo tough
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Manitoba, Canada
Posts: 485
Hi Bunny,
I have some bad news for you. Anyone who is angry and abusive is not someone who you should invest your time and money in. It is time to disengage, and see if he really cares about you or your enabling.
From my perspective (as a recovering alcoholic), I would have never gone after my DW if she had done even 1/2 the things for me as you did for your SO. For you to state you love him after he abused your trust, abused your effort, abused you financially, abused you emotionally, then verbally abused you on a personal level is great. However, his actions clearly state he does not love you.
If he's holding the door open, I'd grab my stuff and walk through. If he actually loves you, and knows he needs to fix himself to get you back then he will do so. If you are just someone for him to take advantage of, and who makes his life easy, I'd rather you knew now than after 20 years.
Take care of yourself first. Us addicts are wholly untrustworthy.
I have some bad news for you. Anyone who is angry and abusive is not someone who you should invest your time and money in. It is time to disengage, and see if he really cares about you or your enabling.
From my perspective (as a recovering alcoholic), I would have never gone after my DW if she had done even 1/2 the things for me as you did for your SO. For you to state you love him after he abused your trust, abused your effort, abused you financially, abused you emotionally, then verbally abused you on a personal level is great. However, his actions clearly state he does not love you.
If he's holding the door open, I'd grab my stuff and walk through. If he actually loves you, and knows he needs to fix himself to get you back then he will do so. If you are just someone for him to take advantage of, and who makes his life easy, I'd rather you knew now than after 20 years.
Take care of yourself first. Us addicts are wholly untrustworthy.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Over here
Posts: 27
Hi Bunny and I'm sorry you are going through so much hardship right now.
I was with my xABf for 2 years. He was married and has 3 wonderful kids.
He is not with his wife because of his drinking and he doesn't see his kids much because of the drinking. My point is he loves his kids but can't stop drinking. He regrets breaking up his family because of drinking but he continued to drink. We broke up because he drinks and I realized through here and experience, that if he can't stop for the kids he will not stop for anyone else.
If he really wants it, he will do it on his own. I begged, his ex wife begged, his kids begged, his mother and father begged, his friends begged, everyone begged him to stop and he tried but failed because he was not ready to do it for himself. He has the right to make his own decisions in his life just like you do. He cannot make you accept him doing drugs and drinking. Just like you cannot make him accept to stop his drinking and doing drugs. All we can do is control our own actions and make decisions for ourselves.
You have to figure out what you are willing to do and accept knowing that he is not going to stop drinking and do drugs.
It isn't easy just remember he is doing what he wants without any regard for anyone. That is what it is. Doesn't mean he doesn't love you or his mom or his son, it just mean you guys are not his priority.
I'm so sorry, I say all this with kindness and understanding and support. I am still heart broken and sad and angry but I don't cry as much anymore but he is still drinking.
I hope and wish you clarity, strength and wisdom to do what you need to do for you and your happiness and health.
Hug
I was with my xABf for 2 years. He was married and has 3 wonderful kids.
He is not with his wife because of his drinking and he doesn't see his kids much because of the drinking. My point is he loves his kids but can't stop drinking. He regrets breaking up his family because of drinking but he continued to drink. We broke up because he drinks and I realized through here and experience, that if he can't stop for the kids he will not stop for anyone else.
If he really wants it, he will do it on his own. I begged, his ex wife begged, his kids begged, his mother and father begged, his friends begged, everyone begged him to stop and he tried but failed because he was not ready to do it for himself. He has the right to make his own decisions in his life just like you do. He cannot make you accept him doing drugs and drinking. Just like you cannot make him accept to stop his drinking and doing drugs. All we can do is control our own actions and make decisions for ourselves.
You have to figure out what you are willing to do and accept knowing that he is not going to stop drinking and do drugs.
It isn't easy just remember he is doing what he wants without any regard for anyone. That is what it is. Doesn't mean he doesn't love you or his mom or his son, it just mean you guys are not his priority.
I'm so sorry, I say all this with kindness and understanding and support. I am still heart broken and sad and angry but I don't cry as much anymore but he is still drinking.
I hope and wish you clarity, strength and wisdom to do what you need to do for you and your happiness and health.
Hug
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Bunny..you are facilitating (and quite well at that) all the things a person needs to be on the road to recovery. Problem is..he may not be ready for the road.
Recovery is hard work. Sobriety..even when you want it more than anything...is still very difficult to navigate..especially in the beginning.
One of the most difficult thing in dealing with addiction is radically accepting that you are in fact an "addict"...that it's beaten you..than you can't have just "a little" than you "can't manage it"...that it in fact has made you "it's biotch" and you are enslaved. It's a hard pill for our ego's to swallow. And some die never ever swallowing it. Addiction is often a long cultivated and nurtured relationship that is very, very difficult to let go.
Right now..you are "interfering" with that relationship..and it's kicking up a fight.
This is his battle. You can supply him with the camp and the artillery but that don't mean he's ready to go to war. And this is...war.
Based on what you are saying...he doesn't want what you do. And that is a hard pill to swallow for YOU.
You either live with the whims of an addict or you save yourself. One day he may want sobriety and then in the next second..he may not. You have absolutely NO control of this situation whatsoever. None. Nil. Nada.
Can you live like that?
Recovery is hard work. Sobriety..even when you want it more than anything...is still very difficult to navigate..especially in the beginning.
One of the most difficult thing in dealing with addiction is radically accepting that you are in fact an "addict"...that it's beaten you..than you can't have just "a little" than you "can't manage it"...that it in fact has made you "it's biotch" and you are enslaved. It's a hard pill for our ego's to swallow. And some die never ever swallowing it. Addiction is often a long cultivated and nurtured relationship that is very, very difficult to let go.
Right now..you are "interfering" with that relationship..and it's kicking up a fight.
This is his battle. You can supply him with the camp and the artillery but that don't mean he's ready to go to war. And this is...war.
Based on what you are saying...he doesn't want what you do. And that is a hard pill to swallow for YOU.
You either live with the whims of an addict or you save yourself. One day he may want sobriety and then in the next second..he may not. You have absolutely NO control of this situation whatsoever. None. Nil. Nada.
Can you live like that?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 444
Hi Bunny.
I hate to say it, but I will- I hope we don't see you again, because you wise up and leave this guy. He doesn't want to change, and he clearly doesn't respect you. I say leave him (Really LEAVE him), and see if he reacts, at all. I bet he doesn't, but who knows?
Seriously though- If this was the last time you bopped on here, for him or anyone else, I would feel quite good about your decision-making. (and I mean that in a GOOD, positive, supportive way).
I hate to say it, but I will- I hope we don't see you again, because you wise up and leave this guy. He doesn't want to change, and he clearly doesn't respect you. I say leave him (Really LEAVE him), and see if he reacts, at all. I bet he doesn't, but who knows?
Seriously though- If this was the last time you bopped on here, for him or anyone else, I would feel quite good about your decision-making. (and I mean that in a GOOD, positive, supportive way).
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 4
Hello everyone and thank you
For your honest words. I guess I should have stated in the beginning that it was his choice to seek help and a treatment facility. So being the proactive person that I am I jumped into battle mode to fix everything. I'm now learning that's considered enabling. I just thought I was doing the right thug by taking all the stress off him so he could focus on recovery. I have never been an addict so I don't understand the mind of one. But I hope with continued al Anon meetings and the support of these forums, I can better understand and cope. I just figured if I serve rehab on a silver platter he would be elated I did all the ground work. Idk. Thank you all again.
For your honest words. I guess I should have stated in the beginning that it was his choice to seek help and a treatment facility. So being the proactive person that I am I jumped into battle mode to fix everything. I'm now learning that's considered enabling. I just thought I was doing the right thug by taking all the stress off him so he could focus on recovery. I have never been an addict so I don't understand the mind of one. But I hope with continued al Anon meetings and the support of these forums, I can better understand and cope. I just figured if I serve rehab on a silver platter he would be elated I did all the ground work. Idk. Thank you all again.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Gulf Coast, USA
Posts: 2,229
Bunny, as other's have said, you can't make this decision for him. As simple as that. Recovery just doesn't work that way.
It appears that you are doing everything under the sun for him and he is taking it all in stride, taking advantage of your efforts to prolong his current way of life. He has to want to change, you can't will him to change no matter how much you love him.
as Nuu said, "Recovery is hard work. Sobriety..even when you want it more than anything...is still very difficult to navigate..especially in the beginning."
Best of luck to you, I think you know the answer to your question, as tough as it may be to realize.
It appears that you are doing everything under the sun for him and he is taking it all in stride, taking advantage of your efforts to prolong his current way of life. He has to want to change, you can't will him to change no matter how much you love him.
as Nuu said, "Recovery is hard work. Sobriety..even when you want it more than anything...is still very difficult to navigate..especially in the beginning."
Best of luck to you, I think you know the answer to your question, as tough as it may be to realize.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 4
Thanks everyone. I took your advice and I explained to him why I'm closing the checkbook and moving out. He of course had a fit and threw all my things around and was very verbally abusive. It's ok it just further proves why I made the choice to leave. It is not healthy for me and was taking my esteem to a new low. Thank you for the support.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Originally Posted by bunny2141 
Thanks everyone. I took your advice and I explained to him why I'm closing the checkbook and moving out. He of course had a fit and threw all my things around and was very verbally abusive. It's ok it just further proves why I made the choice to leave. It is not healthy for me and was taking my esteem to a new low. Thank you for the support.
Working-cl*** pseudo tough
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Manitoba, Canada
Posts: 485
Originally Posted by bunny2141
Thanks everyone. I took your advice and I explained to him why I'm closing the checkbook and moving out. He of course had a fit and threw all my things around and was very verbally abusive. It's ok it just further proves why I made the choice to leave. It is not healthy for me and was taking my esteem to a new low. Thank you for the support.
Best wishes Bunny and (please take this the right way) I hope to never see you back here, unless it is in the "Friends and Family" thread trying to help others get out of abusive relationships. Knowing someone else did it successfully can be great encouragement for anyone who knows they need to make a change, but is having difficulty assembling the courage to do so.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 4
I know I've only begun to understand addiction and how it spreads like a disease to everyone involved. But this thread as well as reading other testimonials has really given me the courage I needed to walk away. I realized that I have no reason to feel guilty. That was my fixer attitude and codependency and the need to heal the sick to validate myself. And that's not healthy. I needed to look inward and discover why I attracted this type of person and why I made excuses and put up with their destructive rollercoaster for so long. It was because I was at a low. But now understanding that, I can progress and grow and attract someone who is healthy for me. Thank you all again. You've really been a god sent. Wish you all the very best In your journeys. Xo.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Tennessee,USA
Posts: 94
I think you are doing too much. You can't fix him. He has to want to fix himself. I use to be just like you with my dh. Letting go is the best thing I did. It took me 17 yrs to do that. If I had known to do that only 2 years into the relationship,it would have saved me a lifetime of stressful drama.We are still together,I just don't worry about his addiction problems or take them personally. He's an addict.Therefore he acts like an addict. No kind of behavior surprises me anymore.
This post may have been more for the friends and family board. I hadn't been on this site for awhile. Curious to how some of the others were doing,as I was on here a lot previously.
This post may have been more for the friends and family board. I hadn't been on this site for awhile. Curious to how some of the others were doing,as I was on here a lot previously.
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