getright15

So, I'm sure it's not just me, but I had an interesting day this evening. We've been trying to make ends meet since I lost my job back in June, and our families have been helping when they can. We appreciate it all that they've done. Now for the interesting part. My wife gets home from work and tells me how her mom is putting a guilt trip on her about me. For example "his drinking is sucking the life out of everyone". I haven't had a drink in nearly a month. About to be working 2 jobs to get us back on our feet and she knows this. To my surprise she also tells my wife (her daughter) "that she shouldn't be helping me pay for my lawyer for my DUI or any of his bullsh*t". What? We're married and have a pretty great relationship in spite of everything that is going on. For the life of me I can't understand when she knows I'm trying everything in my power to make things right she has to say what shes saying. There's more to it, but those really stood out to me. She is such a hypocrite especially when looking at her relationships of past.

Shes never been like this to us before so I don't really know what's going on. I was just wondering if anyone else (which I'm sure) has dealt with BS like that especially when you're on the right path and trying to do the right thing for yourself and your family?

MichaelJo

I think Parents, Friends and Family tend to find out Information / Rumours a while after the events. I found that once I got sober. People started saying I had a problem. No one asked or said anything at the time!!

PurpleKnight

Poeple will just take time to recognise that you are making changes in your life, 1 month is still early days I guess, so the old memories are still fresh!!

Give it time!!

FeelingGreat

Lucky you're not married to your MIL. Show her how it's done.

Rosie88

I'm sorry to hear that. :-( all you can do at this point is kill her with kindness and show her you mean business.

I'm very fortunate that my boyfriends family loves me and never says a word about me. But my own family picks every little thing that they can to bring me down. So I understand. They didn't really know the extent of my drinking but they have been picking at my college choices telling me I'm not going to make enough money getting a PhD in Cognitive Psych and that I'm going to be in toooo much debt. I have informed them about the medium pay for someone who just graduated and also informed them that any school I get into, I will make sure they offer full funding or I'm not going. Needless to say, it all falls upon deaf ears.

I guess the point I'm trying to say is, family (at least mine) tends to pick out something and disregard any other information to the contrary. I don't know why, but they do.

So just hold out and prove her wrong. She'll realize she's wrong in the long run!

prototypes

Family is emotionally high maintenance and my recovery is much too precious for me to deal with them too up close and personal. I plan our get*togethers from a distance.

HotSauceJeff

Some people just want to b'tch about others... It's their recreation.

Croissant

I think these kinds of things become glaringly obvious when you are seeing the world through sober eyes.

I had to learn to let go of things I had no control over.

Also, out of fairness, if they are helping financially, it just creates an unhealthy dynamic over a period of time. It's not ideal, so you might have to take the good with the bad.

Either way, keep focused on staying sober.

Verte

Sounds to me like your MiL is employing a fear-based-lip-flapping personal protection plan. An 'I told you so' kind of a reaction to stress and uncertainty.

It really would be a good idea for you and your wife to get on the same page and decide how to approach your MiL and her concerns...then let your wife do the talking and boundary making (i.e. a velvet smackdown). Help should not come with strings in the form of a free-pass for verbal expression...but it often does.

Nonsensical

Pray for her.

doggonecarl

A mother looks after her daughter...no matter how poorly it's carried out. You said yourself you put your family through the ringer with your drinking. It is possible your wife confided in her mother about your drinking. If so, like PurpleKnight said, it's going to take more than a month to win everyone's confidence.

Best thing to do? Stay sober. And don't toot the "hey, look at me, I'm sober" horn too loudly. Not until you get a bunch of months under your belt.

bblackbirdflyy

Its hard when the people who are supposed to be on your side are not.My Mom made it a point to tell me not to say anything to her side of the family about my DUI. I'm such an embarrassment to her. Sucks! In contrast my boyfriends mom told me that they all still loved me and would always be there for me. I agree with what has been said above... the best thing to do is prove her wrong with your actions.

hopeful4

I am betting mom is hearing your wife's side of things. You and your drinking have hurt your family to the extreme. It will continue through this expensive legal process. I agree with doggonecarl, don't make some huge deal about being sober now that it's been a month. Do that in AA, do that around a sponsor. Not people who are so severely hurt by your actions.

The only way to prove to them, and frankly to yourself, over the long course of time is to stay sober, get those jobs, and pay for your own mistakes.

My parents paid a significant amount for my Xhusband's legal issues. He ended up kicking in the teeth by drinking to the point that I kicked him out and we are now divorced. They gave him the money much more for me than for him. I am their daughter. To see me and my children hurt over booze eats at them big time, and I completely understand.

You can do this. You can make this right. Make the right decisions and get those jobs, no matter how menial they may be. You will have a lot of pride in yourself at the end of this journey if you get yourself out of this mess.

Good luck to you!

getright15

She knows about the DUI. She doesn't know the extent of everything that has gone down over the years. What shes referring to was an incident that happened back in 2009 and now this issue that happened last month. I'm not one to say hey look at me I told you so I'm a month sober or whatever. I just state to you guys that I've been almost a month. I'm not really tracking days, but I was looking back at when my run in with the law took place. My wife doesn't confide in her about relationship advice for these reasons I'm about to state below. She doesn't mind me explaining this so it's not like I'm just airing out dirty laundry. I mean I understand her concern for her daughter, but shes the last person that should be judging is what I mean.

So the MIL has been in 2 marriages. First one ended with my wife's biological father. She was with him for 17 years and finally got divorced. He was an alcoholic, is paranoid schizto and decided to change his sex, lost 2 houses and a boat. The 2nd marriage she was in just ended a few months ago of 15 years. When she met her 2nd husband at the time was a meth user then quit cold turkey for a few years then relapsed big time a few years ago. He started making and selling meth from their home. He is now in prison. So 2 failed long term relationships and not to compare me to them, but my situation is completely different. She really has no right to say what she said about me and I was insulted to the fullest. She has no clue as to what is going on within my household as like I said my wife doesn't confide in her about relationships for the exact reasons I stated. My wife's brother says the same thing. Now when her 2nd ex husband is out of jail who she paid lawyer fees for along with her first husband we all believe she will take him back just for the fact that she is not alone. Sad but true, but who am I to judge it's just our opinions.

I say all this for this reason: 1) Don't judge me or my situation unless you have the facts! 2) Nobody is asking her for money to pay lawyer fees(I'm taking care of that myself) and if MY wife is there for me during the "good" times and the "bad" times it's really none of her business. 3) The only reason she knows about my dui is because i was driving my wife's car, and she is on the policy for the car insurance which I meant to change and put my wife on mine, but forgot about it.

Thanks for all the comments and advice about the situation. I appreciate the feedback!

SparkyMcSparky

Ah, changed my mind.

No opinion here

Soberwolf

Give it time don't react apologise show grace it does take time hang in there your not alone were here

I always go full Autobot in these situations ie keep at it and it will keep getting better over time I swear

The best thing in life you can do is doing what people say your incapable of doing

getright15

That is the bonafide truth right there. Actually motivates me because I was thinking about the same thing. Wife and I went out the other day ( we live in Vegas) so every corner you go to there is temptation. We did some gambling and of course you know the drinks are free. Had a diet coke and the waitress looks at me and said that's it? Plain? Yes, that's it. Wife had a few drinks, but I had zero urge to drink anything. My first test going out and passed. Wife was very proud. I haven't said anything about hey I'm going to stay sober etc. I just go about my business and don't make it a big deal even though it is. No more promises I can't keep. So I'm just showing her.