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Old 08-17-2014, 08:26 PM
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Not sure how to title this...

I know I will be flamed but something I've noticed is that some folks can Be judgemental hypocrites (harsh, I can too!). But just because you are sober now does not mean you should judge those who aren't.

I am referring to posts where mothers bring up children (btw never seen the same treatment toward dads on here), or relashionship issues, or job issues, or mental health issues, or pregnancy issues, etc. I know there is "tough love" but it can be taken too far, to the point where people don't feel supported here.

Just suggesting you have compassion before you respond (and most do) but I've almost been run off this forum and am sure many more have as well. Let's face it, most of is are just one drink away from being "there."

Eta: It is one thing to offer support or tough love and another thing to
Judge.
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Old 08-17-2014, 08:53 PM
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I know I haven't been around as much so I'm kinda at a loss to what this refers to.

I know as a rule both Anna and I take special care not to see people being run off the board, especially mums/moms...and dads too

If there's a problem either of us is always only a PM away

D
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Old 08-17-2014, 09:19 PM
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GEAH,

I know it's hard but I hope you can mentally ignore comments that appear judgmental and keep trudging along. If you have to, physically use the ignore button. I have a hard time doing that myself but on a couple of occasions I have resorted to using it. Also remember that in early sobriety we tend to be sensitive. It's taken me a lot of practice to take that into account when sharing and sometimes the best thing I can post is nothing at all. Stick with it -- I know you can do this!

*And Chris Cornell thanks you for the compliment earlier.
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Old 08-26-2014, 12:08 AM
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If there's is anymore issues contact Anna or dee fantastic ppl

As for small minded views that's all they are small minded

Everybody will say something take what you find useful or use constructive comments to show said person another way of thinking
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Old 08-26-2014, 05:05 AM
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From a personal perspective after a decent time in recovery, I consider this a matter of perception and not judgment. This means that I don't judge people for what they do, it's just that I know exactly what they do. Know the game of alcohol.

Also some people who show aggression towards those who are actively drinking and themselves are in recovery or recovered, is propably a reflex to protect their own sobriety and not meant as judgmental towards the other people. But they could be triggers for them etc. So those people might then obviously want to avoid those in active addiction. Hope this makes some sense.
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Old 08-26-2014, 06:07 AM
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Originally Posted by GreenEggsAndHam View Post
I know I will be flamed but something I've noticed is that some folks can Be judgemental hypocrites (harsh, I can too!). But just because you are sober now does not mean you should judge those who aren't.

I am referring to posts where mothers bring up children (btw never seen the same treatment toward dads on here), or relashionship issues, or job issues, or mental health issues, or pregnancy issues, etc. I know there is "tough love" but it can be taken too far, to the point where people don't feel supported here.

Just suggesting you have compassion before you respond (and most do) but I've almost been run off this forum and am sure many more have as well. Let's face it, most of is are just one drink away from being "there."

Eta: It is one thing to offer support or tough love and another thing to
Judge.
.

GEAH, some people can be harsher here at times, or maybe in there eyes less enabling. Maybe as unixber suggested they are protecting their own thoughts and fragile sobriety.

To plays devils advocate, this is a sobriety board not a moderation board and I respect that. Some active drinkers (not you specifically) don't and want to argue for moderation. I think that is insensitive to a lot of people who have SR as their only safe haven. They avoid bars, social situations, friends, and have given up a lot to stay sober. This is supposed to be a safe place for the sober as well as newcomers and those of us continually falling down. Nobody needs their AV fed more lines.
.
I have witnessed some guilt thrown at mom's and probably a bit less at dads, but I think that is largely the world we live in not SR, and women are generally harsher than men are of other women.

Maybe just block the more insensitive folks or im them to say they are out of line?
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Old 08-26-2014, 06:28 AM
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Good Post!

Awhile back, I a posted something in hindsight was harsh. I meant well, but I was out of line. I pm'ed an apology to the individual the next day......

Most people mean well in my experience, including me. I do agree with comments from Unxibr and nmd, however.

I think perhaps the point is to keep a civil tongue(keystrokes). Reading Dee's signature should be a pretty good reminder!!
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Old 08-26-2014, 06:43 AM
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Hi GreenEggs. I have been away and posting has been challenging. Just catching this thread. Really great to see you!!!!!!!

Sorry some posts have been offensive; you just never know "where" someone is on a given day or moment; I firmly believe that somewhere beneath or behind the vast majority of posts (even those which seem insensitive, etc.) there is a good intention. I believe most people are here because they want to recover and want the same for others.

Hope to see more of you, GreenEggs!!!!!!!
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Old 08-26-2014, 07:07 AM
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I'm guilty. Have resolved to consider for a minute my intent before typing. Thanks (this reply actually started out.... different).

Last edited by anattaboy; 08-26-2014 at 07:09 AM. Reason: changed view
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Old 08-26-2014, 07:15 AM
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its hard.. having grownup in a house with a Dad that was a huge Drinker and nasty drunk to my house of the 1970's and 80's were as a young Mom Wife by myself most of the time I did not drink untill the kids were in bed.. and then by myself.. cried myself to sleep.. try not to jump out on people about the life they lead.. but will offer an arm ear or cup of coffee as we chat here or on boards with Blue Star Moms and Gold Star Families.... Moms we chat more. Dads pop in and listen walk around maybe put up a Thank you or two most of the time Dads or Men don't chat as much as us.. Peace all Prayers and here's a coffee at my desk for another to reach out for. hugs ardy
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Old 08-26-2014, 09:29 AM
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There's a saying that I've heard "some people are sicker than others". No matter how many days, weeks, months of sobriety this is an unfortunate reality. People often forget how sensitive others can be, particularly in early sobriety. I've run into this here and at meetings and it's really made me question why I am there (or here). After some time to ponder, I usually come to the conclusion that the person that seems overly harsh is dealing with their own inner demons ... fighting their own little war inside their own heads. It may be their way of trying to help, but often it doesn't work for me to hear someone being critical of my choices or my program. Sometimes, I'm overly-sensitive because they are actually right, which is a whole other problem that I have to work through. I guess the bottom line is that I am not going to like what everyone has to say ... and that's ok. I don't have to like it, but I do have to deal with it (without drinking over it!) ... that's part of my recovery.
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Old 08-26-2014, 01:40 PM
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I don't think people have any obligation to accommodate other people's desire for a "nonjudgmental" response. It's a forum, and as long as discourse remains civil and respectful and forum guidelines are observed I think most comments are fair game, and frankly, there is already no shortage of "rah rah" support on this board.

Another forum user can be ignored by clicking her name on the left-hand side and selecting "ignore posts from this user." Thus, you have the ability to censor out posts you find objectionable without wielding the exceedingly broad brush of preemptively censoring other people's ideas and feelings.

Man, I am just a cranky guy today, must be a full moon or something..
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Old 08-26-2014, 01:52 PM
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I see nothing wrong with tough love, but any thread's OP has to be asking for it.

Although the Internet isn't the best communicator of tone, some people are looking for a kick in the butt while others are looking for anyone to help them. Being able to tell the difference between the two (or even being respectful when helping the former), is an important skill.

And if you're not sure, choose the "desperately needs help" angle, especially here in the newcomers forum.

Though I would also say that I have seen some really good self-policing from our members who can effectively shout-down someone who is being a dick. This is good.
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Old 08-26-2014, 06:55 PM
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GreenEggsAndHam- it happens in the Friends and Family Forum too! For example telling someone to just get over it, etc. In the disease of addiction- there are no winners. No one came to find SR because their life was sunshine and roses. I don't understand how minimalizing, trivializing, mocking someone's pain could possibly be of any help. And I also find it rather ironic that those that preach and say they live by the 12 Steps could be so self righteous? Always consider that you do not know the full story or the person's life history, living conditions, etc when choosing to respond to a post. If you find a post silly or trite and can't find it in your heart to empathize and be supportive, than don't reply to the thread! What people find difficult or painful is subjective and not up necessarily for judgement. When you reprimand or become judgmental in a reply, to me, it defeats the purpose of SR! It goes along with the old adage "If you don't have something nice, kind or helpful to say, you probably shouldn't be saying it at all." Everyone here is in different stages of addiction and/or recovery. I think we should all be mindful of that when we respond to a thread. With age they say comes wisdom. Well, as I quickly approach 40, I smart enough to admit that I know nothing;-) Thank you for your post/thread GreenEggs- too bad the ones that really need to read it the most probably won't.
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