UnixBer

Ever since I've gotten into recovery I've had this feeling that I'm somehow emotionally dead and have no idea who I am. I've mostly kept to myself during my recovery, but when I do interact with people it is so strange... They all seem to know me. Maybe they know the drunken me. I have no idea who they see me as since I was drunk for so long.

It seems ridiculous too when everyone you know seems to know who you are but you don't. Has anyone else felt this way in recovery? I bet most have.

I took a pic of myself and I'll post it here. Yes you're free to laugh, I know I look like a freak. The point is it doesn't matter. I just wonder if it can be deleted later on, maybe not.

random4.jpg

Let's hope the attachment works... It's good to learn new things in recovery.

Dee74

Just a note to everyone...if you post it, we generally won't delete it, so think carefully about posting pics or sharing personal info

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As for feeling distant or apart from others...I felt that a little bit...I think we all do...I think it takes time for us to discover who the sober us is, and then maybe a little longer still to like that person.

what do you do in your spare time UnixBer - any hobbies or interests? any ways to meet like-minded souls?

D

UnixBer

Dee: there are propably too many ways to find like-minded friends to count, but the distant feeling is some kind of braindead-feeling in a way. Maybe it is some kind of brain fog.

It's like what they describe in anxiety disorders and panic disordered people, the same way that when you meet people, you're not there. Physically you are present but you operate like a machine, without knowing exactly how or why. All acting is involuntary and almost automatic, without real emotion, intent or soul. That's what I've been trying to recover most in recovery. Real emotions.

There are some activities though that I could be more active, but there is a ******** feeling regarding thinking about them. Some kind of hiatus. The lack of motivation is propably due to paws, and I believe there is a physiological reason behind all this.

Thanks for the reply.

MIRecovery

This is something I struggle with as well. I call it, "Rejoining the human race." I was emotionally dead for so long that I forgot how to do it or maybe I never knew how to do it in the first place. In either case I am finding the solution in the fellowship of AA. I am learning what having friends and being a friend is all about.

UnixBer

Rejoining the human race. That was very well said.
I can handle not being perfect in many ways, but what I cannot handle, what I most hate and even fear is the thought that I'm a coward. This is the one thing that I cannot handle.

You see, I think it is alcohol itself that has made me into an anxious and confused person. Care what other people think of you, your appearance? I'd rather die. Or so I've thought.

Yes and when it comes to friends, I guess many people think that as an adult it is more difficult to do, when I don't really see why. The problem would only come in where people are willing to draw the line, what are the able to do and what not. Fear is such a crippling disease, just like alcoholism.

I never got to try AA, the local meetings are too far away for me. It is fantastic to finally learn those things which have been in the darkness for so long. Such as what it means being a friend.

ultradad

FEAR is the root of all my drinking and the driving force that kept me in the throws of this disease. Recovery and acceptance comes from working a proven program and that for me is AA. I'm sure there are other options.

MIRecovery

In your drinking days would any distance have been too far to get your bottle? If we put the same energy into our recovery as we did our drinking we get better

Mountainmanbob

give sobriety a good chance
and before long
you will not only recognize
but, will be happy with the one you see looking back at you in the mirror

M-Bob

PurpleKnight

I had to relearn who I was after I got Sober, things like emotions and feelings were always numbed in a haze of alcohol, and after years of that I lost who I was, so in Sobriety I had to find myself again!!

It's gonna take a lot of time though, dealing with life as it is happening, no more escaping form it, but I guess it's probably a more healthier way to conduct life!!

UnixBer

That sounds about right. I've done this in a little bit differently in my mind. I think of the whole thing as being a broken harddrive that is recovering segments of personality and memories as the brain heals. It's a funny way to think about it and I use this so it minimizes any guilt that may come with thinking that you're lazy because you can't seem to function during paws.

The thing about being distant is propably a thing many others have as well, if not everyone to some extent. It is just good to remember that there are friends too. Such a thing may be easily overlooked but friends are invaluable. Well, recovery is a really strange thing.

UnixBer

Decided to add a little update. I know many here also favor the e-cigs over the fags. And here a pic of my vaporizer:


I still think the detachment from people has a lot to do with recovery. It is paws but also feeling vulnerable and due to emotional processing I've just felt like avoiding all people. It's like they don't understand.

By the way, has anyone noticed nicotine affecting their recovery in any greater negative way?